Single-serving friends.

The problem with one-night stands is that when they're bad you realize you shouldn't have done it at all, and when they're good you realize just how little you can get done in only one night.

I think I'm not cut out to be a slut. It's not a mushy feelings issue per se, it's more like... seems like a shame to find a really good toy and only play with it once, you know?


(Not a toy. A... augh, how does one acknowledge a sexual partner's humanity without sounding like one has the mushies for them? A dude.)

Everything you always wanted to know about EVIL GAYS.

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Unprotected.

Last night Alan and I fucked skin on skin. It was the first time for both of us. There was so much fear.

You're sure you're on the pill? You've been taking it every day? You've been tested, right? For everything? What about your other partner, has he been tested? For everything?

Years and years of "safer sex" (because it's never safe!) have left us terrified of the toxic power of semen. A single drop, applied anywhere between a woman's navel and knees, will lead inevitably to babies and diseases. And a penis must never ever ever touch a vagina, even for a moment, or Horrible Things will happen. More than once there's been some minor accident and I've felt skin on skin down there, and I've literally recoiled.

This is all medically correct, of course. You really can get pregnant/diseased from semen that's merely near your vagina, or from a penis that's not ejaculating. In both cases it's an outside bet, but it does warrant consideration; I knew a girl who had three abortions and couldn't understand why, because "Yeah we didn't use condoms, but I never let him come in me!" So our precautions are based on good sound logic, except that over the years it's become a visceral fear of each other's bodies.

Last night we fucked through our fear. We had a long awkward talk about oral contraception and urethral/vaginal swabs and blood tests, and then we went and did the forbidden. We risked each other's lives. We had unprotected sex and he came in me.

It felt so fucking good. I've never heard a man moan like that.

Tipping point.

There's a moment in Alan's fucking when he stops playing with me and he starts using me to come. His rhythm shifts from soft-hard-tease-hard to HARD-HARD-HARD-HARD. His eyes stop looking at me and fix on something a thousand miles away. He stops touching me and starts holding on to me. And he starts making the noises.

Raw, wordless, animal noises. Earlier in sex he might go "oh yeah," or "mmm", or "ahh," but those are words even when they're not. Past the tipping point it's nothing I can really type. It's "uhuhuhuhuh," it's "eerrrrmmm," it's "aaaauuufff," but those look ridiculous and it's not. Maybe from the outside it would be; who knows? There's a reason we don't videotape our sex.

I talk about my partners' quirks sometimes like I'm this dispassionate observer. I'm not. Today I noticed a big ugly abrasion on Alan's leg. "What happened to you?" I asked.

"You don't remember?" he said. "Last time you were here, when you had me up against the wall, you were scraping me on something. I should've stopped you, but you were, you know..."

I know. Past the tipping point.

God, I don't even remember it.

Random Urge.

I spent all of last night (when I wasn't working) fantasizing about giving Alan a really long blowjob while he just kicked back, watched TV, and drank beer. For all the "lol perfect woman!" stupidity of the fantasy, it was amazingly vivid.

Too bad for him being out of town. Life's unfair.

EDIT: He's back. Partay.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, and good will towards men.

Quantity.

I've noticed that penis-enlargement emails often also advertise products to increase your semen volume. I thought this was completely ridiculous until I met Benny.

Benny comes more than other guys. Probably twice as much as every other guy I've been with. He comes for a startlingly long time, squirt after squirt (more than once I've thought he was done and stopped, only to feel dumb when he frantically whispered "keep going" and there was more) until there's about a quarter-cup of jizz splattered around. Sometimes I go down on him and I end up swallowing and spitting.

Is it the best thing in the world, does it make other men seem inadequate, is it worth taking unapproved Nigerian medications for? Course not. But it is pretty fun to watch. Or feel or taste. I always think it must be a fantastic orgasm. It goes on for so long.

Really, though, I think I like it less for what it is, and more for being one of those private biological quirks that you can only know about someone by fucking them. It's like the birthmark on Alan's butt shaped like Australia; I get no particular pleasure from the thing, but I get tremendous pleasure that I know it. I can look at these men when they're out in public and properly dressed and I can think "Hey! Australia-butt!" and it makes me happy in some way I can't quite quantify. It's a small kind of ownership, maybe.

Everyone walks around with these small secrets. Sometimes I look at strangers and try to guess theirs.

"Hir" does nothing for me.

Sometimes, when I'm already in a dreamy sort of mood, just the words "he" and "she" can be a thrill. The man I have a crush on, he... and those two letters tell you that this person is a man and therefore has a cock and balls and sometimes that cock gets hard and sometimes a little clear fluid seeps out and when you lick it up and use your tongue to swirl it around the head you will feel that cock pulse just a little in your mouth.

It's things like this that put the lie to the idea of jading. That once you get fucked in the ass with a whip handle in your teeth like a pony's bit you won't still sparkle a little to see someone cute give you the merest smile. That when your sex and your fantasies are harsh and extreme you won't still doodle hearts in your notebook. Sex isn't skiing; you can do the harshest black diamond on the mountain and still feel your heart in your throat going down the kiddy hill.

I get turned on by the words "lick it until it's clean, bitch," and I get turned on by the words "he and she."

I forgive you, really.

I wish Alan wouldn't apologize for having orgasms.

"Oh yeah, oh yeah, OHHHHHHH... oh no, crap, I'm so sorry."

He'll say this even if he's been going for fifteen minutes and I've come three times. I need to convince him that I don't need a man who can fuck indefinitely.

In fact it's rather frustrating when a man lasts for hours. I love to watch guys come. I hate to hear them say "uh, it's not you, but it's been two hours and I just can't get there, maybe I better just finish myself off." And I really really hate to hear "oh forget it, it's not gonna happen, just let it get soft and I'm going to sleep."

I know it's not necessarily my fault but it always makes me feel cruddy.

So close to romantic.

Alan:
"I'd never pay for sex."
"Aww..."
"Because I like money more than I like sex."

Benny:
"It's okay that you are, but I'm not seeing anyone else."
"Aww..."
"I mean, I'd like to..."

Squeamishness.

Man, I keep looking through my google referral logs and cum swallowing is by far the number one query. Or specifically, distaste for cum swallowing. The most heartbreaking search string was "how to not really swallow cum." Damn... my only suggestions are close-up magic or honest communication with your partner. And that's just when I'm trying to be sensitive. My real knee-jerk reaction is "Why on Earth wouldn't you?"

But I think I'm doomed to never understand this, because I'm just not very squeamish. Confession: if a partner ever wanted me to drink his piss, I would. It wouldn't even be that much of a humiliation thing; it would just be a liquid. (I don't think I'd eat shit, though. Partly for health concerns, partly because I'm a little squeamish. As for merely getting shit on... well, it's not hot to me but if it was really important to him and he could convince me it wasn't a hateful act... mayyybe.)

It helps in sex, I think, to not think that the human body is disgusting. Well, of course, most sane people don't, not overall, but I have heard a lot of people call genitals and anuses disgusting. I joke sometimes that "boy parts are icky," but honestly I think cocks and balls are beautiful. Not just beautiful for what they do to me, but... nice to look at, nice to touch. I don't close my eyes when I put my mouth on a man's cock, don't pretend it's something else. When I say "I love the cock," I don't mean "I love boys" or "I love sex" (although both are true)--I mean I love the actual physical cock.

And the pussy. And the tits. And the asshole. And the entire human body, inside and out, wet and sticky and salty as it may be, is beautiful. A pussy is not an unpleasant thing that must be endured to pleasure a woman--a pussy is fucking awesome.

I don't want to sound like I think I'm the only person on earth who believes these things. I'm sure this is no revelation to most people. But it seems like we have these cultural in-jokes that girls think cock is ugly, boys think pussy is icky, everyone thinks asshole is icky. And that's so messed up.

Just another night with Benny.

The razor burn was still ugly when Benny saw it, but he's not a squeamish man; he tied my legs open, spread rubbing alcohol on the burn, and slapped it in. I screamed angry obscenities at him and he dipped his finger into my pussy to show me how wet the pain had gotten me.

He slowly eased two fingers into me, then three and after a few minutes, four up to the knuckles. He's got big hands; all he had to do was curl his fingers a little, barely flutter them inside me, and I shook and moaned and disappeared into blinding maddening ecstasy.

As I finished coming I was seized by a powerful urge. I grabbed Benny by the back of the head, and as he drew his fingers out of me I kissed him hard and deep, not at all sweetly, fucking his mouth with my mouth. We kissed for a long time, rough, sexual, pressed together so hard I couldn't tell where I ended and he began.

Some time later in the evening, I pulled Benny into a tight hogtie--elbows tied together behind his back, knees tied tightly together, wrists and ankles tied to each other, face down and totally immobile. (I kept nervously checking his breathing because big guy prone with elbows back is positional-asphyxia-riffic, but he was fine.) I slipped on a latex glove, lubed up the fingers, and spread his cheeks. I went slowly, just stroking around his asshole, until he started really wanting it, started making little pleading noises and tilting his ass up at me. I slipped one finger in, and with surprising ease a second, and bent them forward until I felt the small hard gland inside him. He groaned deeply.

Some time later than that, we were lying in bed under the covers with nobody tied or hurt, just side by side stroking each other's groins until I wanted more than stroking and slipped his cock into me, still on our sides and slowly gently fucking for ages. He rolled me over and fucked my ass just as slow and gentle, kissing me and holding me until he came in my ass.

And finally, when we were both completely spent, pussy and ass and cock tender, nipples sore, muscles aching and skin raw, he looked me in the eyes and said "I'm awfully glad I found you." And I went all gooshy inside.

Augh!

Date with Benny tonight. Last time he didn't enjoy that my crotch was stubbly so I endeavored to get a truly clean shave for him tonight. I overdid it. Took off half my skin and now my "bikini zone" is an unholy hell of the nastiest razor burn you ever saw.

So my question, if anyone can answer it before 4 PM Pacific time: is there anything I can do? Lotion? Ice? Heat? Benadryl? Advil? Cover it with makeup and when it inevitably gets rubbed off, scream "look what you did to me"?

Here I am trying to be all "this girl has prepared herself for your enjoyment, Sir," and it's gonna end up more "that's not an infection, I swear, I'm just a moron."


(We don't ever actually talk like that, I just think it's funny. I'd really be saying "Shaved myself for ya, dude." Because we may be sadomasochists but we are also extremely dudely.)

Toys.

I own far too many sex toys.

• A really cheap little flogger. It's stingy as hell because the tails are too small, and I'd really like a bigger one, but... it does the trick. It's meant to hurt, right? It certainly does that.

• A generic cylindrical vibrator that I don't use much. It's too skinny to be fun in my pussy, no base so I'm scared to put it in my butt, and awkwardly shaped to use on my clit.

• A bullet vibe. This is the go-to toy for a quick simple orgasm, the "no fancy crap, I just want to get to sleep" vibrator. Goes nicely on my clit and gets me off in less than five minutes. Unexciting, reliable.

• A... thingy. It's this(NWS) ugly sonofabitch, whatever the heck that is. Anyway, it's fucking amazing. It's thick and it pushes on my g-spot hard and one time Jon tied it into me and left it in for like a half hour on full blast.

• Two buttplugs. One's small and real easy but only sorta fun; one's way too damn big and takes a five-minute slightly painful project to get in but hoooly shit when it's in. I've never had the self-control to have it in and not masturbate to orgasm instantly. It feels great when I do though. I can feel my ass pulsing when I come.

(That buttplug is how I learned my orgasms were real. For the longest time I thought that my orgasms were too quick, too easy--no girl gets off in two minutes from just barely being touched, so I must just be mistaking something else for orgasm and giving up before the real good stuff. But the feeling of my ass involuntarily spasming around a buttplug is unmistakable. I really do come that much, that easily. Fucking awesome.)

• Rope. Two hundred feet, in two different thicknesses, every inch of it soft and shiny and strong and filled with endless possibilities. Everything above on this list gets me off; rope gets me on. Sex toys are arousing and all that, but only rope is fascinating. It's a skill I'm still learning, it's a way to cause pain and pleasure, it's a way to hold someone's entire body the way I want it without me lifting a finger. It's sexy to tie, it's sexy to be tied in, it's sexy just to have around. It's... I think it's safe to call it a fetish, yeah.

Anal Paradox.

Finger in butt = ugh.

Penis in butt = ooh.


I think this has discouraged a tragic number of people from trying butt play. Because if something as small as a finger is so uncomfortable, anything bigger must be worse, right? Wrong. I'm not quite sure why, but it's completely wrong. A finger up your ass feels like a really unpleasant poop; a cock up your ass feels like a tight hard fuck. Strange but true.

Cuddles.

I'm a fan of cuddles. I sometimes worry that there's something possessive or emotionally needy or demanding about asking a boy for too much cuddling, but mostly I just think it feels good. Boys are warm and firm and their willingness to touch me constitutes a kind of quiet acceptance that I don't get enough of.

Okay, so I'm a little needy. I don't spend the whole time asking "but do you really think I'm pretty?" or anything horrible like that. Mostly it's either unrelated little things from our lives or it's silent nuzzling.

I can't fall asleep cuddling. It makes me very sleepy and comfortable, but when I get to the point of actually sleeping I've always got some part of my body squished or bent back or too warm, and I have to roll over into a little Island of Solitude to get any sleep.

Cuddling with Brandon is great, but cuddling with Jon is wonderful because he's so damn big. (Tall and wide; not super fat, just large in a big square doorway-filling way. Trucker-shaped.) I can just sink into him. He puts his arms around me and I'm enveloped. I can disappear inside him.

Size.

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My Hobby:

Putting lurid sexual fantasies through Babelfish until they are awesome.

The three of us, who are in the room, take our shots, turn off the light. First, I want to kiss you. I embrace you and I your clothes. We deal in the first place. Let's chew play with him and his puncture, but we are not letting them come to him, it even closer. I shall see below, and eat her cat in the chest. We are both on your face, it is sitting on his cock.

Then it is him, and to do so in the ass to eat, while my cat. We approached the bottom, and he can win. He started me, as I expressed my fingers until their skins, as much as you can. We offer arrival.

At the end, I am going to suck the tap until it happens, because I would like to share with him about my face and chest. I would still attached, I know I can lick the entire territory.

Addicted.

I just figured out how to do LiveJournal-style cuts so I can make really long posts without drowning my front page in a Wall of Text! Very exciting! I think I'm going to kick off this new ability by taking the Sexual Addiction Screening Test. Note that sex addiction is not recognized in the DSM. Further note that online sexual addiction resources are rarely more than three clicks away from the word "Savior." I'm just saying.

The marvelously scientific and unjudgemental "SAST", with my snotty answers, is below the cut.


1. Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?
Nope. I was physically and mentally abused (well, we just called it "beat up and yelled at") a little here and there, but no one ever did anything to my Swimsuit Area. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person I know who can say that.

2. Did your parents have trouble with sexual behavior?
Probably, but not that I ever wanted to know about.

3. Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?
Who the hell doesn't? But even by "post-pubescent human being" standards, yeah. I mean, most people don't have an entire blog devoted to their sexual thoughts.

4. Do you feel that your sexual behavior is not normal?
I don't think it's typical. (Although it may be closer than I think; I've noticed the prevalence of secret weird fetishes to be damn near 100% sometimes. Probably my only real deviance is talking about it.) But I don't think my sexual behavior is abnormal in the sense of broken, just in the sense of statistically uncommon.

5. Do you ever feel bad about your sexual behavior?
Well, sometimes. Not often, certainly not every time. But ever, yes. I also occasionally feel bad about my behavior in every other area of life, because I have feelings.

6. Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you and your family?
Yes, I did use to be a teenager. It's not creating any big problems now though. Shouldn't an addiction test be asking about "currently" or "frequently", not "ever"?

7. Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like?
I've sought help with sexual behavior I didn't like...

8. Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?
More because I stopped sexual behavior with 'em, really.

9. Are any of your sexual activities against the law?
Fewer since Lawrence v. Texas, but I believe that consensual beatings are still considered assault. (I think the rationale is less about persecuting BDSM and more about giving abusers fewer excuses, but the end result is the same--a bruise is a bruise no matter how bad she was beggin' for it.)

Of course, this question says more about the law than it does about me; if they outlaw kissing, do you become a kissing addict?

10. Have you made efforts to quit a type of sexual activity and failed?
Nope! I've never made efforts to quit any type of sexual activity!

11. Do you hide some of your sexual behaviors from others?
It would be pretty fuckin' gross if I didn't.

12. Have you attempted to stop some parts of your sexual activity?
Nope! But is that because I'm not an addict, or is it because I'm just so deeply addicted?

13. Have you felt degraded by your sexual behaviors?
But I like it that way...

14. When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards?
Only if there are no cuddles. (There are usually cuddles.)

15. Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire?
Naw. Influenced by, maybe. Entertained by, certainly.

16. Have important parts of your life (such as job, family, friends, leisure activities) been neglected because you were spending too much time on sex?
No. This is the first question on this whole test that strikes me as legitimate--if you're fucking so much you don't even go to work, you probably do have some sort of problem.

17. Do you ever think your sexual desire is stronger than you are?
I don't know, we've never really opposed each other. My sexual desire says "hey, let's go get laid," and I say "good idea!"

18. Is sex almost all you think about?
No.

19. Has sex (or romantic fantasies) been a way for you to escape your problems?
Oh shit, we're including romance in here? That's a sex addiction too? Wanting to be loved? You heartless bastards!

And basically no; I've used sex as a distraction from minor worries, but not as a way to blot out the world.

20. Has sex become the most important thing in your life?
No.

21. Are you in crisis over sexual matters?
I wasn't until I started this test.

22. Has the internet has created sexual problems for you?
Only opportunities...

23. Do you spend too much time online for sexual purposes?
Define "too much"! Seriously, this quiz seems entirely devoted to determining how guilty you feel about sex, rather than how much you actually have. Try applying that standard to alcoholics--"You don't feel bad about it? Then drink up, buddy, you're fine!"

24. Have you purchased services online for erotic purposes (sites for dating, pornography, fantasy and friend finder)?
I've paid for porn a couple times. Usually regretted it. Not because of my addiction, because it sucked.

25. Have you used the internet to make romantic or erotic connections with people online?
Of course! How is that any more addicted than any other way of connecting with people?

26. Have people in my life been upset about my sexual activities online?
No, but I do use some judgement in who I tell about my sexual activities online. I mean, Mom doesn't really want to hear about it...

27. Have you attempted to stop my online sexual behaviors?
Yours? No. I don't wanna know. Sheesh.

28. Have you subscribed to or regularly purchased or rented sexually explicit materials (magazines, videos, books or online pornography)?
And this is the part of the test where I break and say fuck you, this isn't a sex addiction test, this is just a sexual activity test. Yes, I have purchased sexual materials. What the fuck does that tell you about me? I don't buy them every day! I don't spend the baby's medicine money on porn! How the fucking fuck is something like this diagnostic of an "addiction"? Would you call someone an alcoholic if they ever bought beer? Jesus Christ!

29. Have you been sexual with minors?
Not since I stopped being one myself. Gah, I can't believe a question like this has the same weight as questions about "do you ever think about sex ever, even slightly?" Because being a little sexually obsessed and molesting children are just two different points on the same continuum, aren't they? (No they fucking aren't. Pedophilia isn't a symptom of being too darn sexy, it's a totally separate kind of sick.)

30. Have you spent considerable time and money on strip clubs, adult bookstores and movie houses?
"Considerable?" But no, I haven't. They're awfully unfriendly to lone women.

31. Have you engaged prostitutes and escorts to satisfy your sexual needs?
Nope.

32. Have you spent considerable time surfing pornography online?
"Considerable?" But yes.

33. Have you used magazines, videos or online pornography even when there was considerable risk of being caught by family members who would be upset by my behavior?
Well, not in front of them. But anyway, if the people in my house don't like porn, that's their problem. If my sister hates horror movies and I watch Evil Dead II when she's not watching, am I a horror addict? Or just considerate?

34. Have you regularly purchased romantic novels or sexually explicit magazines?
Romantic novels? Am I a sex addict because of Jane Austen now? Sexy, sexy, sexy Jane Austen.

35. Have stayed in romantic relationships after they became emotionally or abusive?
Uh? But no.

36. Have you traded sex for money or gifts?
No. I've given sex to people who gave me gifts, but I'd like to think that it wasn't a direct exchange, thanks.

37. Have you maintained multiple romantic or sexual relationships at the same time?
Yep. You got some sorta problem with that?

38. After sexually acting out, do you sometimes refrain from all sex for a significant period?
Just long enough for the bleeding to stop...

39. Have you regularly engaged in sadomasochistic behavior?
Yep. You got some sorta fuckin' problem with that?

40. Do you visit sexual bath-houses, sex clubs or video/bookstores as part of your regular sexual activity?
Gosh, this question doesn't smell even slightly homophobic... and no.

41. Have you engaged in unsafe or "risky" sex even though you knew it could cause you harm?
No. Point of personal pride.

42. Have you cruised public restrooms, rest areas or parks looking for sex with strangers?
Jeez, and I thought that last one was homophobic. (Admittedly this is pretty damn ooky for any sexuality, but it's such a gay-male stereotype that it feels like it was put in specifically for them.)

43. Do you believe casual or anonymous sex has kept you from having more long-term intimate relationships?
That's actually sort of a tough question. But I've been having long-term intimate casual sex... how does that work?

44. Has your sexual behavior has put you at risk for arrest for lewd conduct or public indecency?
Well, fortunately there weren't any cops at that beach... or that parking lot... or that campus quad...

45. Have you been paid for sex?
This is the same question as #36.


So I entered all my answers (which, you notice, are "no" on most of the really bad ones) into the dumb website, and... I'm a sex addict! I should seek help immediately! Or I might never know the loving light of Our Savior.

It's all funny until I realize that some people take this crap seriously. The idea that someone could sell this "having sexual feelings is pathological" bullshit for real money, and use it to destroy real families, is sickening.

D'oh.

Not Levora. Aviane. (generic for Alesse; 0.1 mg levonorgestrol, 20 µg ethinyl estradiol). Because it wasn't actually Levora the doctor prescribed, it was Lutera, only she wrote it wrong as "Luvera," which isn't even a real drug, so the pharmacy was like "huh?" and then they ended up substituting it instead of just correcting it and then there were a whole bunch of phone calls and fuck if I know, at least this stuff appears to be birth control of some sort.

I would not be entirely surprised if upon taking this stuff, my seasonal allergies are cured and I have a baby.

Controlled.

I just stated on the Pill. (Levora, 30 µg ethinyl estradiol and 0.15mg levonorgestrel, I've anecdotally heard that it's less likely to cause side effects than some other types.)

Slip off all you want, condoms, I'm babyproof. (I actually made the appointment before the incredibly minor incident, just because I wanted to be generally sure I wouldn't get pregnant. I'd definitely get an abortion if I did, but I really don't want to go through that.)

If it lowers my sex drive, I'm quitting. That's not really a lolhorny joke--I value my sex drive, and since the whole point of contraception is to have sex, low sex drive is one side effect I wouldn't accept. I like being horny, and I'm not giving that up for anything.

Ugly.

It may be surprising to the 0.1% of my readership that doesn't know me personally, but for all the fucking I do, I'm kinda ugly. I'm moderately overweight (and all in the belly, not in the tits and ass, so you can't even call me "curvy"), and I don't really make up for it in the face. I'm not comedy ugly, but if you saw me on the street and thought about it, you might figure I don't get laid much.

Of course, the truth is I get as much sex as I have time for. Brandon confessedly likes 'em chubby (oh, so he does have a kink, sort of--that's reassuring), and Jon doesn't really like the way I look but can accept it for the sake of a clean-living, intelligent 22-year-old who can take a flogging like a champ.

The guys are pretty damn ugly themselves, not that I care. I don't really go for good-looking. It's not sour grapes or low standards; it's just different standards. I may overlook beer bellies and odd-shaped faces, but I'm a merciless snob for funny, independent, and smart. And it's only gotten more so over the years. As the average lean muscle mass of my lovers has approached zero, the proportion of them with articles in national publications has approached one.

Call me a rationalizing uggo, but I've never found that my partner's appearance affects my sexual experience. Once I'm naked with someone, it's physical skills that matter. I don't have a more intense orgasm because I'm looking at a pretty face. (Half the time I'm looking at the pillow or the inside of a blindfold anyway...) I've fucked skinny and I've fucked fat, I've fucked track star and I've fucked web designer, and you know what? The fat web designer knows what to do with his hands.

I don't really worry about my appearance with the guys anymore. On our first dates I was insane about it, oh my God they'll take one look and very politely tell me "I'm just not feeling that connection", but then both our first dates ended in sex and invitations to second dates. After that I felt a little more sure of myself. It's only now, when I'm faced with meeting more new people, that I'm insecure again.

I'm smart. I'm funny. I'm a good driver. I'm good at medicine. I've got a little shelf full of movies with my name in the credits and literary journals with my poetry in them. I fuck like there's no fucking tomorrow. I'm all that and a bag of chips, man. But I ain't pretty. And sometimes I feel like pretty is everything.

Too damn bad I had to be a chick, huh?

Oops.

The condom came off. Alan and I were fucking around, trying different positions, and at some point we noticed that things felt different. Pull out, look down, oh shit.

Well. He didn't come in me. We've both been tested for STDs. I just finished my period (less than four days from the start) so I'm probably not fertile. This may be a stupid-ass decision, but I'm not going to bother with Plan B when the odds are so low. I'm pretty damn sure I'm fine and nothing will happen.

As you can tell by all the protesting-too-much, I'm a little worried. I'm in that worry sweet spot where you'd feel stupid and neurotic doing something, but you feel all unsettled doing nothing.

I'll say this for modern sex education: it sure as hell can instill some healthy fear into you. As much as I love the cock, I've grown up being told that it's a dangerous thing. You can get pregnant if he doesn't come. You can get pregnant on your period. You can get pregnant from only once. All of these things are technically true. But I don't know how true. In an effort to keep the idiots from going "I can do it without a condom all the time if he don't squirt up in there!" or somesuch, they've left me with no sense of probability. Penises get you pregnant, end of story. I think it's incredibly unlikely in my case. I just wish I had some idea how unlikely. Roulette unlikely? Keno unlikely? Lotto unlikely? Probably somewhere between Keno and Lotto.

They ought to sell those damn things with waterproof tape or something. Maybe a cock ring. The kind that goes behind the balls. Ain't no way that puppy's going anywhere.

Sounding.

Phonebuddy Bruce just told me that he uses a sound on himself. I am impressed.

For anyone who doesn't know, a sound is a thin metal rod that a man inserts into his urethra. (NWS and a little queasy: a rather extreme example.) I've heard descriptions of the sensation ranging from "agony" to "an intense orgasm, only in slow motion." I've never heard anyone call it subtle.

I take back every whine I've ever had about doing everything. I've never met Bruce, but between this and his unabashed enthusiasm for being buttfucked (by women! he's not at all bisexual), I desperately want to play with him or someone like him. Something about the idea of a guy being penetrated is hopelessly sexy to me. Maybe because I know what it's like, maybe because I feel like it's more dominating, maybe just because.

I know better than to try to talk a guy into it or (yeek) spring it on him. But one of these days I am going to fuck a man in the ass, and before I die I am going to put a thin piece of metal into a man. I just have to find the guy who likes it. The only one I know is in Chicago, but if there's one thing I know about the human race it's that they're all kinky little bastards in one way or another. (Except Alan. Go figure.)

Someday I'll find my penetration-loving boy, and I'll get my wish. I just want to see the look on his face.

How to swallow cum.

My google search logs contain the following phrases:

dudes that swallow cum
"how to swallow cum"
cum though my nose
how to blowjob when you hate cum
how to make swallow cum
how to swallow cum
i don't like to swallow cum
swallow cum
what happens if i swallow cum
what happens when you swallow cum?

Apparently I am a semen-ingestion authority. The terrifying part is that at least some of these are from different people.

Well, to answer the main questions:
-You swallow it like you swallow any other substance. There is no skill. If you can eat, you can probably manage to swallow about a tablespoon of harmless, only mildly bad-tasting, hideously emotionally loaded fluid. Just fucking swallow.
-If you don't want to swallow (or if the person's STD status is positive or unknown), just fucking don't swallow. In the STD case you should be using a condom.
-Nothing at all happens. Sheeeesh.


(I never know what those girls expect the answer to be. "You gain forty pounds and you grow body hair and you get pregnant and get AIDS and then everybody knows what you did you filthy whore and you're ruined!", presumably.)

P.S.: It's spelled come, dammit.

Stormy Weather.

It snowed while I was working the graveyard shift. I got my last patient woken up for the morning and when I went outside the world was white. Unlike everyone else in Seattle, I can drive on snow, but I live fifteen miles and two steep hills from where I work. Benny lives less than a mile away. Safety first.

He opened the door half-asleep, and the first thing we did was stagger to his bed and fall asleep together. Sexy? Yes. It was, because there's few things sexier than waking up together.

Around noon I woke up, quite naked, cuddled up against naked Benny. There was a storm roaring outside, the wind howling down the hillside, snow and rain falling in turns. Benny was big and warm. For a while I just basked in him, every limb entwined, soaking up the heat. I started moving my hands over him, sleepy and languid, just stroking his body, his big meaty chest, his big meaty belly, his big meaty cock. Mmm.

I love morning hardons. They're so innocent. He didn't even mean to get it up and there it was, all ready for me to stroke it and suck it and he was barely awake by the time he was filling my mouth with his come.

We didn't get out of bed until two. Until he was ready to fuck again he kept me busy with his hands, kneading my breasts, slapping my thighs and ass, sliding fingers into my pussy. He can make me come faster than anyone with those hands--he gets three or four fingers inside me and bends them forward hard and I can't last thirty seconds. Except that I can, because he won't stop and I just come again and again and fucking again and my whole body was arched back and shaking and it was fucking amazing. Eventually I had to beg for him to stop because I was exhausted. He held me down and made me come one more time for spite's sake and then let me rest.

I didn't rest long. There's a fine line for me between utter sexual exhaustion and being desperate for more, and I crossed that line in about... twenty minutes? Coulda been fifteen. I got Benny hard again and started riding him. His bed has metal bars for a headboard (they make good tie points) and I was grabbing the bars for leverage, slamming his cock into me as hard as I could. I was already far too sensitive from what he'd done with his hands and it felt like more than it was, almost more than I could take, but I'd told myself I was going to make him come and by God I was not going to stop fucking him until he did. It was a good while later and we were both covered in sweat but he did, bucking and moaning and shoving me down onto his cock with his hands on my hips.

We showered, because we were pretty darn gross, and went to IHOP for brunch. (It was too late for brunch... brinner?) The special was "Pancake Surrender" and Benny ordered me to get it. I did. It was delicious. (We don't have the sort of relationship where he orders me what to eat, but you gotta make an exception for Pancake Surrender.)

We got back to the house. Benny took me into the living room and stripped me naked again, tying my hands behind my back and blindfolding me. He put clamps on my nipples and started hitting my breasts with the flogger. When it hit flesh it hurt; when it hit the clamps it FUCKING HURT YOU FUCKING BASTARD FUCK YOU. I don't really do verbal submission. More a defiant, swearing, standing-tall-in-the-face-of-pain submission. My feet were unbound and I could have just walked away. At one point it was too much and I almost did. Benny told me, "Get back here and stand still," and something in his voice was dark and terrifying. I did as he said and didn't walk away again. I just stood there and screamed.

After a long while of that he laid me face down on the couch and brought my feet up to my hands behind my back, hogtying me. It's a scary position just to be in; it's a really scary position to be horsewhipped in. It's hard to gauge time in a situation like that but I don't think I've ever taken a longer whipping. I wish I could say something like "but all the pain turned to pleasure", but it fucking didn't. It was pleasure but it was also pain, full strength, not muted by masochism or anything so tidy. It felt exactly like being hit with a goddamn horsewhip. It just also felt like something deeper and more amazing than the best orgasm of my life.

I was crying when he untied me. I wasn't angry at him--hardly!--just so overwhelmed with everything that I had to cry. He held me until I was myself again. For almost an hour after, we just lay together naked, nothing sexual, just talking and rolling around half-wrestling and a whole lot of tickling and giggling and kissing.

And after that we got to the buttfucking, which I've already described on the last post so I needn't repeat myself, right?

I went home and slept for thirteen hours. The snow was all melted when I woke up again.

Assfucked!

Welp, today I lost my anal virginity. (My last "virginity" of even slight consequence. I guess I'm a Woman now. I feel so different.)

I was hilariously nervous, so I did it the most controlled way possible--tied Benny to the bed, hands out of my way, hips too tightly bound to thrust up at me--got him hard, lubed him up, gritted my teeth, and... it slid right in and felt rather nice. No pain, no poo, and to be honest, it felt surprisingly similar to getting fucked the regular way. It was good. He liked it too. It was fucking tight.

It gets talked up so much in some sex advice places. Enemas beforehand. One finger, two fingers, three fingers. Breathing exercises. Analgesic lube. Go so very very slow. An inch an hour. Space shuttle launch. When really... all I did was lube him up and slip him in and ride him good.

I didn't do it to any sort of completion (mostly because the position was awkward--buttfucking a guy from above is the fast-tempo squat exercise from hell), but next chance I get, I'm sure as hell going to.

And soon.

Eventually I'll have nothing to lose.

When I get famous

cure cancer

I'll write my autobiography

and put all the sex stuff in.

Just a roleplayer.

I was reading some online BDSM communities and I was shocked how much discussion there was on this point: "It's not a real punishment if the slave wants to do it. Only spank them if they hate being spanked!"

...Wha? As my grandmother would say, "I'm not doing this for my health, buddy." (She's from New York, she's not the sweet knitting type of grandma.) If I want to be spanked you should spank me, and if I don't, you fucking shouldn't! There's no greater good to work towards here. It's sex.

Of course there's some unavoidable doublethink in BDSM. I certainly do say "oh no, please don't make me do that" (sometimes even without the sarcastic inflection) to Benny. Hell, sometimes I even say "make me do something I don't want to do." That's not winning any logic awards. Still, there's always underlying consent and enjoyment. The pretense is that he's mean to me because he's the big scary master, but in the real world, he's mean to me because I dig on it.

I guess I'm not a real submissive. All I can say is that I don't want to be. Not only would I not like punishments that didn't make my panties wet, but I would be pretty emotionally devastated to be sexually punished for anything in real life. I've hear people say that in a real dominance relationship, the BDSM makes the submissive a stronger person, but... if Jon hit me for losing my job, or for failing a class, or even for something more minor like saying something offensive or not making him dinner... I'd cry my way to the police station.

Treating submission like it's a game doesn't make me insincere. It makes me sane.



(I'm also not a real submissive because occasionally I tie Benny up and finger his ass and make him eat my pussy and bring him to the very brink of orgasm before backing off and leaving him to writhe, but that's beside the point.)

Mom.

I casually mentioned sleeping over at Alan's to my mom. I didn't think it would be a problem--she knows we've been together for several months and she's never given me any sort of "wait for marriage" speech.

"Oh," she said, "does he have a separate room or something for you to sleep in?"

I'm usually pretty demure discussing sex with my parents, but I couldn't help giving her a look. The look you give your dad when he tells you something is "what you kids would call 'radical'."

And then it got all awkward.


(Writing this blog has changed me. A few months ago, I would've averted my gaze and stammered or made up some lie about sleeping fully clothed on the sofa. But writing about sex every day has gotten me a lot more comfortable talking about it without giggling and blushing.)