Anyway, Grandma has the original 1969 edition of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask). This was one of the first sex books I ever read. Maybe the first. And although it was apparently liberal for its era--it's pro-masturbation and oral sex and birth control and whatnot--many parts of it are full-on insane. Not just biased, although it certainly is massively sexist and homophobic, but actually insane.
Some excerpts below the cut.
My favorite passage in the entire book:
There is even a subcategory of homosexual known as the “S and M.” This is the one type of gay guy the others fear. Rarely will any homosexual knowingly pick up an “S and M.”
“S and M”? What does that mean?
Technically, sadist and masochist. Literally, trouble. Those who combine homosexuality with sadistic and masochistic aberrations are among the cruelest people who walk this earth. In ancient times they found employment as professional torturers and executioners. More recently they filled the ranks of Hitler’s Gestapo and SS.
How does an “S and M” work?
They specialize in luring other homosexuals to their apartments, trapping them, and torturing them.
You know, Jon and I are both "S and M"s, and we are both Jewish. I thought this was coincidence, but no! It's because we're Hitler, so we both want to beat up a Jew!
On the joys of the behinder side:
The anus was designed as the terminal end of the gastro-intestinal tract—it is not really prepared to receive the erect penis. This in itself provides certain formidable mechanical obstacles which must be overcome before this brand of homosexuality becomes possible. In contrast to the vagina which is tremendously elastic (as it must be to accommodate the infant’s head at birth), the anus hardly stretches at all. However, determined assault by the homosexual penis, general amounts of lubrication, and intense pain on the part of the “recipient” ultimately results in “success.”
Oh honey, "the anus hardly stretches at all," I have some pictures to show you.
God, the days when you could write a book without doing any research whatsoever into the things you were talking about. Let's hear more about those wacky homashexuals:
Most homosexuals find their man-to-man sex unfulfilling so they masturbate a lot. Much of their masturbation centers around the anus. The question, of course, is what to use for a penis. The answer is often found in the pantry. Carrots and cucumbers are pressed into service. Forced into the anus, lubricated with vegetable oil, they give some homosexuals what they seek.
Egg white is also considered a good lubricant. Sometimes the whole egg in the shell finds itself where it doesn’t belong. Sausages, especially the milder varieties, are popular.
The homosexual who prefers to use his penis must find an anus. Many look in the refrigerator. The most common masturbatory object for this purpose is a melon. Cantaloupes are usual, but where it is available, papaya is popular.
The funny part, to me, is the implication that straight men don't masturbate in ludicrous ways. Well, that and the statement that papaya is "popular," as if men were sitting around in gay bars in 1969 recommending fruit-fucking styles to each other. Shameless!
Say, what about gay bars?
The first visit to a gay bar is quite an experience. Superficially, it seems like any other cocktail lounge. Men and women sit at the bar and mingle freely at booths and tables. There is the usual background of conversation with male and female voices balancing each other. Then it slowly begins to sink in—the entire room is filled with men!
The feminine whispers, the high-pitched laughter, the soft sighs, are men’s voices. The cocktail dresses, the tight black outfits, are worn by men. Even the trim, middle-aged matron entering the ladies room (one sign says “Queens”) is a man.
The sexy babe in the tight miniskirt owes her womanhood to two pounds of foam padding, a pound of make-up, and a lot of wishful thinking. In the daytime “she” parks cars.
It makes me almost wonder if, at some obscure point in history, a place like this ever existed. It would be kind of awesome if it did. (Also, parking cars is apparently a very masculine occupation. God knows I couldn't do it; my vagina would get caught on the stick shift and I'd menstruate everywhere and then I'd probably start crying.)
This is in the chapter on prostitution:
A blow job, as it is known in the trade, is fast, easy, and clean. No linen to change, no washing up to do (except for a swish of anti-septic mouthwash), and if the girl is crafty, she doesn't even have to get undressed. As one lady who should know puts it, "I could do B.J.s all day without working up a sweat."
If you exist, unnamed lady who should know, I think you're doing it wrong.
I know I masturbated to this passage as a kid:
What's an exhibition?
The popular term is stag show. Most of them take place in hired halls packed to the rafters. They start with pornographic movies and work up to a grand finale. The show may begin with a strip-tease and some go-go dancing. Then one of the girls may have intercourse with a dog. As the pace accelerates, two girls simulate homosexual intercourse with each other--usually mutual cunnilingus. (The girls never really do it. They are homosexuals and are unwilling to show their true feelings in front of men. The customers never know the difference.)
As a climax, one of the girls has intercourse on stage with a volunteer from the audience while the other goes home as a door prize to the holder of the winning ticket.
This is... this is just completely fictional, right? I guess I can picture it happening once in some podunk strip club but he makes it sound like a nationally touring event on the scale of Barnum & Bailey's. (Also, if I were going down on a girl who'd just had sex with a dog, I would probably fake it too.)
His idea of a typical obscene phone call:
Obscene Caller: (heavy breathing).
V: Who is this? Who's calling?
OC: That doesn't matter. How would you like to get laid?
V: (Screams) You must be out of your mind!
OC: No, I'm not. I'm just going to come over and get into you.
V: (Screaming) Leave me alone! What do you want? What do you want?
OC: All I want is to get my hands into your pants--that's all! (Heavy breathing)
V: (Hysterical) My God! My God!
I admit that OC there is way out of line, but wow, V is just a tad high-strung, don't you think?
And finally, he manages to describe a sex act that I've never even seen on the Internet:
Occasionally a woman may have an unusually large clitoris which reaches as much as two or more inches in length when erect. If she happens to be a lesbian and her partner spreads her legs widely, the clitoris may just penetrate the vagina. What would be a disgrace to a man is a delight to a woman. Lesbians with this anatomical quirk are in great demand.
I remember reading this when I was eleven or twelve and being vaguely dismayed that I was so poorly hung.
The really scary part is that apparently this book was revolutionarily liberal in its day--and its day was during my parents' lifetime. I wonder which current sexual attitudes will be considered insane in forty years.