Saturday, December 29, 2007

Everything you always wanted to know about EVIL GAYS.

I'm at my Grandma's house on the East Coast for the week. Doesn't mean I won't get laid, just that it will require stunning feats of dishonesty. It's not my fault that I'm 22 years old yet my family still won't take "I'm going OUT. To see a FRIEND." for an answer.

Anyway, Grandma has the original 1969 edition of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask). This was one of the first sex books I ever read. Maybe the first. And although it was apparently liberal for its era--it's pro-masturbation and oral sex and birth control and whatnot--many parts of it are full-on insane. Not just biased, although it certainly is massively sexist and homophobic, but actually insane.

Some excerpts below the cut.

My favorite passage in the entire book:

There is even a subcategory of homosexual known as the “S and M.” This is the one type of gay guy the others fear. Rarely will any homosexual knowingly pick up an “S and M.”

“S and M”? What does that mean?

Technically, sadist and masochist. Literally, trouble. Those who combine homosexuality with sadistic and masochistic aberrations are among the cruelest people who walk this earth. In ancient times they found employment as professional torturers and executioners. More recently they filled the ranks of Hitler’s Gestapo and SS.

How does an “S and M” work?

They specialize in luring other homosexuals to their apartments, trapping them, and torturing them.

You know, Jon and I are both "S and M"s, and we are both Jewish. I thought this was coincidence, but no! It's because we're Hitler, so we both want to beat up a Jew!

On the joys of the behinder side:

The anus was designed as the terminal end of the gastro-intestinal tract—it is not really prepared to receive the erect penis. This in itself provides certain formidable mechanical obstacles which must be overcome before this brand of homosexuality becomes possible. In contrast to the vagina which is tremendously elastic (as it must be to accommodate the infant’s head at birth), the anus hardly stretches at all. However, determined assault by the homosexual penis, general amounts of lubrication, and intense pain on the part of the “recipient” ultimately results in “success.”

Oh honey, "the anus hardly stretches at all," I have some pictures to show you.

God, the days when you could write a book without doing any research whatsoever into the things you were talking about. Let's hear more about those wacky homashexuals:

Most homosexuals find their man-to-man sex unfulfilling so they masturbate a lot. Much of their masturbation centers around the anus. The question, of course, is what to use for a penis. The answer is often found in the pantry. Carrots and cucumbers are pressed into service. Forced into the anus, lubricated with vegetable oil, they give some homosexuals what they seek.
Egg white is also considered a good lubricant. Sometimes the whole egg in the shell finds itself where it doesn’t belong. Sausages, especially the milder varieties, are popular.
The homosexual who prefers to use his penis must find an anus. Many look in the refrigerator. The most common masturbatory object for this purpose is a melon. Cantaloupes are usual, but where it is available, papaya is popular.

The funny part, to me, is the implication that straight men don't masturbate in ludicrous ways. Well, that and the statement that papaya is "popular," as if men were sitting around in gay bars in 1969 recommending fruit-fucking styles to each other. Shameless!

Say, what about gay bars?

The first visit to a gay bar is quite an experience. Superficially, it seems like any other cocktail lounge. Men and women sit at the bar and mingle freely at booths and tables. There is the usual background of conversation with male and female voices balancing each other. Then it slowly begins to sink in—the entire room is filled with men!
The feminine whispers, the high-pitched laughter, the soft sighs, are men’s voices. The cocktail dresses, the tight black outfits, are worn by men. Even the trim, middle-aged matron entering the ladies room (one sign says “Queens”) is a man.
The sexy babe in the tight miniskirt owes her womanhood to two pounds of foam padding, a pound of make-up, and a lot of wishful thinking. In the daytime “she” parks cars.

It makes me almost wonder if, at some obscure point in history, a place like this ever existed. It would be kind of awesome if it did. (Also, parking cars is apparently a very masculine occupation. God knows I couldn't do it; my vagina would get caught on the stick shift and I'd menstruate everywhere and then I'd probably start crying.)

This is in the chapter on prostitution:

A blow job, as it is known in the trade, is fast, easy, and clean. No linen to change, no washing up to do (except for a swish of anti-septic mouthwash), and if the girl is crafty, she doesn't even have to get undressed. As one lady who should know puts it, "I could do B.J.s all day without working up a sweat."

If you exist, unnamed lady who should know, I think you're doing it wrong.

I know I masturbated to this passage as a kid:

What's an exhibition?
The popular term is stag show. Most of them take place in hired halls packed to the rafters. They start with pornographic movies and work up to a grand finale. The show may begin with a strip-tease and some go-go dancing. Then one of the girls may have intercourse with a dog. As the pace accelerates, two girls simulate homosexual intercourse with each other--usually mutual cunnilingus. (The girls never really do it. They are homosexuals and are unwilling to show their true feelings in front of men. The customers never know the difference.)

As a climax, one of the girls has intercourse on stage with a volunteer from the audience while the other goes home as a door prize to the holder of the winning ticket.

This is... this is just completely fictional, right? I guess I can picture it happening once in some podunk strip club but he makes it sound like a nationally touring event on the scale of Barnum & Bailey's. (Also, if I were going down on a girl who'd just had sex with a dog, I would probably fake it too.)

His idea of a typical obscene phone call:

Victim: Hello?
Obscene Caller: (heavy breathing).
V: Who is this? Who's calling?
OC: That doesn't matter. How would you like to get laid?
V: (Screams) You must be out of your mind!
OC: No, I'm not. I'm just going to come over and get into you.
V: (Screaming) Leave me alone! What do you want? What do you want?
OC: All I want is to get my hands into your pants--that's all! (Heavy breathing)
V: (Hysterical) My God! My God!

I admit that OC there is way out of line, but wow, V is just a tad high-strung, don't you think?

And finally, he manages to describe a sex act that I've never even seen on the Internet:

Occasionally a woman may have an unusually large clitoris which reaches as much as two or more inches in length when erect. If she happens to be a lesbian and her partner spreads her legs widely, the clitoris may just penetrate the vagina. What would be a disgrace to a man is a delight to a woman. Lesbians with this anatomical quirk are in great demand.

I remember reading this when I was eleven or twelve and being vaguely dismayed that I was so poorly hung.

The really scary part is that apparently this book was revolutionarily liberal in its day--and its day was during my parents' lifetime. I wonder which current sexual attitudes will be considered insane in forty years.


  1. I love that this is how you're spending time at Gram-Gram's. And papaya is totally going on my shopping list.

  2. Bruno - Gram-Gram sleeps twice as much as me and does not own many interesting items. It's pretty much down to the Rubik's Cube or the antiquated sex book. And the Rubik's Cube is missing some of the stickers.

    Papaya is delicious. :)

  3. You must remember that there have been tremendous changes in the last forty years. I have an 11th Ed. Merck Manual (1967) in which homosexuality is classified under sociopathic personality disturbances. It took a huge political battle in the psychiatric community in the 1970s to get it out of the pathology list in the DSM.

    And now that science is learning more and more about manipulating the brain, we may be heading back in that direction. Did you hear about the news release about 2 weeks back, that scientists had developed a drug that switched fruit fly homosexuality on and off via modulation of various receptors? They said it was hypothetically feasible to do the same with humans. So, if you're gay, but there's a drug available to switch you over, is there something wrong with you that should be fixed? The Christian Right will have a field day.

    By the way, Peter Segal did a very funny bit on the fruit fly thing on "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" last week. He ended up predicting that this drug would probably be the premise of the next Adam Sandler movie.


  4. I would bet money that the scientists' "theoretically this could be applied to humans" was how it was reported, but the reality was more like "Yes, theoretically. It is also theoretically possible that all the nitrogen atoms in this room could randomly all wind up in my left ear at once." Science reporting almost always radically exaggerates the relevance and promise of findings, especially as relates an animal study to humans.

    Fruit flies are fun for geneticists to study because they have a neat modular gene code that has been extensively mapped and annotated compared to other organisms. They're like biological Legos. You can make them do a huge number of things just by "flipping switches", from mate with their own sex to growing legs out of their eyeballs.

    Humans, on the other hand, are immensely complicated organisms with horribly byzantine genetic codes that very rarely have a straight genotype/phenotype relationship- how we act and even how we look has way, waaaaay more relationship to our environment. Most of the biological evidence on homosexuality in humans shows that it's definitely not a simple "gay gene" thing- there's probably more than one gene, and there's probably some kind of environmental influence. Not like "your mother let you wear a dress" environmental, "how much testosterone were you exposed to in the womb" environmental.

    I wouldn't worry about it, in other words. Right now the probability for being to switch homosexuality on and off in humans is more like "bad sci fi" than "just around the corner".

  5. Labrat - Indeedy. And I want to know the chemical that makes fruit flies bisexual. Or bisexual-but-leaning-toward-men. Or "I connect physically with men, but emotionally with women, you know?".

    It isn't just our genome that complicates things.

    Plus, the fruit fly thing kinda sounds like it was just messing with pheremones--convincing someone that a dude is a lady is very different from convincing them that they love dudes.