Gotta get politics off the top post. I may be, I dunno, a "moderate independent liberaltarian" or whatever, but deep down my political understanding doesn't go deeper than "why can't we all just hug," so perhaps my piehole should stay closer to my areas of expertise.
Like 67 New Blow-His-Mind Moves. In which I cherry-pick for the stupid ones.
But first, this was on a sidebar:
he's mad that I'm leaning how to do CPR -- he says doing mouth-to-mouth is cheating on him
Wow. (Tell him about barrier masks and BVMs... while you're leaving because he is insane.)
4. “I melt when a girl screams a foreign phrase in bed. I was with one woman who used to yell Mucho gusto! I loved it. Turns out, it means ‘nice to meet you.’” —Gordon, 32
Je ne sais quoi! Mazel tov! Schadenfruede! Das vadanya! La grenouille le melon baisers!
6. “My girlfriend showed up at my door in a trashy outfit and introduced herself as my chick’s naughty pretend twin sister, Candy. She pushed me against the wall, we had mad sex, and then she left. The next day, she acted like nothing happened.” —JR, 27
Hm. She might also be crazy. (Or you might go to meet her family, and Candy will be there, and then shit's gonna get awkward.)
16. “This one girl wouldn’t let me manually guide my shaft into her, so I had to navigate without using any hands.” —Marshall, 23
Again, possibly crazy? Also, I guess a challenge is fun, but I'm not sure I see the erotic appeal of five minutes of "woops", "ouch", and "hangon, that's my butt."
22. “When my girlfriend found a tear in her sheet, she pulled my penis through the hole, and we had sex with the material separating us. The fact that the only parts of our bodies that touched were our naughty bits made it feel forbidden.” —Samuel, 27
I... guess? This is one of those things that might have actually worked in the moment, but for someone to try it because they read it in the magazine is only going to come out bizarre. (Also, your Hasidim joke goes here.)
35. “Try this only if you’re on the floor: When he’s on top, wrap your arms around each other, and rock from side to side. The blood rush he’ll get will amp up his orgasm.” —Sue, 27
It seems like sort of a cuddly romantic thing to do (sorta), but blood rush? Really? Are you a centrifuge?
42. “Take his member into your mouth, and suck hard as you slowly pull back up. Then swirl your tongue over the tip.” —Kia, 30
Nothing at all wrong with this tip... except that they're now listing the very concept of oral sex as a "new blow-his mind tip." "For a real erotic thrill, try taking his penis and putting it in your vagina! Then move back and forth a lot! This will stimulate key nerve clusters in both of you and greatly intensify your orgasms!"
44. “Guys love how it feels to enter you. Next time you have sex, ask him to pull out after 12 thrusts, and stroke his penis for a few seconds. Then let him penetrate again.” —Sarah, 28
"Stop, stop! Pull out! ...What, don't you really like that?"
46. “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.” —Cindy, 32
I feel like I've read this one before. (Only under a slightly different fake name and age.) It must really be true then! After all, it does make perfect sense.
47. “When on top, lean forward, and cup your hands over his ears. Depriving him of this sense will heighten the others.” —Mary, 29
Huh.
61. During doggie-style sex, lean on one arm, reach back, and scratch his boys in a circular motion.
Yeah, yeah, men like to scratch their balls, but I don't think they like it that way.
Obligatory Hasidim joke:
ReplyDelete"The hole in the sheet? For generations to come."
"Mucho gusto" means "Nice to meet you?" Uh... I failed my last Spanish class and I still know that means "I like [it] a lot!"
ReplyDeleteMarika - Oh man. That makes the whole story double stupid.
ReplyDelete"Mucho gusto" is somewhat idiomatic, in that it's the traditional response to meeting someone for the first time. "I like it a lot" would be "me gusta mucho."
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDelete“Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes."
ReplyDelete(1) So I guess he's on bottom, otherwise it just falls right back into your face?
(2) If her hands are steady enough to sprinkle pepper under the guy's nose, he's clearly not doing his job.
"16. “This one girl wouldn’t let me manually guide my shaft into her, so I had to navigate without using any hands.” —Marshall, 23
ReplyDeleteAgain, possibly crazy? Also, I guess a challenge is fun, but I'm not sure I see the erotic appeal of five minutes of "woops", "ouch", and "hangon, that's my butt.""
It took me about five minutes my first time having sex before I realized that it wasn't just OK to use my hands to guide it in, but that it was, for the most part, necessary.
Guess what one of the first things I tell my sons and daughters about sex will be? (Yes, THIS is the shit they need to know. THIS IS IMPORTANT. Anyone who disagrees is wrong.)
“Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes."
@Periscopedepth: (3) While I disagree and agree with your assertion on (2) (I can maintain some pretty impressive manual dexterity in some pretty crazy situations so it would be remiss of me to assume a woman could not), I'd also like to mention that you're timing SPRINKLING PEPPER on his nose with his orgasm. Which probably means you have to have the pepper in your hand the whole time.
Now maybe I'm not very good or my girlfriends aren't very good, but that can be an hour for me... an hour in which I want you to do other things your hands than keep it balled up in a small fist.