I saw Benny today. And somehow, we enacted the exact reverse of how we started out. In the beginning, I was needy and he was rejecting--I was the one who wanted him to be a boyfriend and he kept insisting nothing could mean anything. Now... I was kind of a jerk to him. He kept cuddling up to me and I kept saying "I don't even like you" stuff.
Maybe it's just timing. He was just coming out of a relationship then, and he's been single for years now. I was living with my parents and quite unsure of myself then, and I'm a lot more independent now.
Maybe it's revenge.
We didn't fuck. We haven't fucked, technically, in something like a year. Instead we screwed asynchronously; he did me good with his hands and mouth and a dildo, then I strapped him up and teased him with a vibrator (and clothespins, and a knife, and a dildo in his mouth, good times) until he came all over himself.
It's weird, I don't generally think of myself as a switch, but lately I like topping Benny far more than I want to bottom to him. I think some of it might be carryover energy from my job, where I've been bossing/mommying some male trainees a lot lately. (Perhaps the whole "I bottom because in my real life I'm just too strong" thing is not always true.) Most of it's probably just the chemistry that we have. I also have a good idea how to top now, which I didn't when I was a younger pervert.
It's not like "ooh, I'm Mistress Holly now." I'm still fundamentally a submissive. But I'm a submissive who can--when the mood is right--shove you to your knees, slap your face, make you suck my cock, and tell you to call me Ma'am.
y'know, I don't think it's revenge, I think you just have a good idea of how he is, that he's not someone you'd look for a relationship with, and you know that he needs to be told that.
ReplyDeleteOr something. Deep insight isn't my thing at 3 am.
Maybe you just wanted to hurt/humiliate him. Maybe that's harder to fake with people you really care about.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on the year of growth.
Drew - Either that or Jon will always do the opposite of me.
ReplyDelete"I really like you, Jon."
"Feh, don't get all clingy, slut."
"I'm just here for the sex, Jon."
"Awww, don't get all mean, Howwy."
The man doesn't know what he wants, he just always knows that whatever we have now is wrong.
Bruno - I didn't hurt hurt him--he got off on it and when I saw something was making him truly uncomfortable I stopped it instantly.
However, the "really care about" might be what keeps me from bottoming to him; initially I was sluttier about it, but with time I'm finding there's a lot of trust and attraction required to let someone beat me. If I'm not horny as hell for them and 100% sure they mean only the best by it, I can't quite relax. And neither is true for Jon right now.