Sunday, October 25, 2009

10 tips for having sex with women.

1. Women are rather submissive, and will appreciate a bit of take-charge in your attitude, from a little extra firmness in your touch to shoving your dick in her mouth and referring to her as "slut."

2. Don't touch her clit. Women hate that. You can touch around it, you can touch the lips and the mound, but keep your poky fingers off the clit, please.

3. Spank her. Oh god, yeah, spank her.

4. She'll get rather moany and squirmy rather early in the proceedings. Don't take this as a sign that she's done. Believe me, you'll know when she's done.

5. Women like to be manhandled, literally. Don't be shy; grab her by the wrists or the hair and put her right where you want her. She grew that ponytail just to give you a nice handle.

6. The more turned on she is, the more she can take. In just about every sense--size, pain, aerobicism. Show some consideration for her comfort at the start, but when she really gets into it, fucking use her, she'll love it.

7. Women's nipples are quite sensitive. You should probably put your mouth on them. A little bit of tooth wouldn't hurt.

8. Don't bother with cunnilingus unless you really enjoy it. Women appreciate the effort and all, but it doesn't really do much for them.

9. Women like it doggy-style. They have a good time in missionary and most funky positions too, but they're not that great at being on top. They'll do it, they sure like it better than sitting around sipping a mint julep, but they never feel totally confident up there.

10. Want the real secret to pleasing a woman? Penetration, penetration, penetration. Even if she isn't so keen on your foreplay--even if she isn't all that keen on you--gently work your fingers or your dick up in there and her eyes will roll back.




(Explanation for the confused: By being ridiculously self-centered I illustrate how women--how people--are so individual that any list of simple physical tips is doomed to failure. By drawing it out to ten items, I illustrate how much I love to talk about my vagina.)

17 comments:

  1. If it weren't for the disclaimer at the end I would have been a bit annoyed at you for posting that.

    So does your vagina have its own passport yet, or what?

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  2. More Cosmo writing practice? Seriously I'ld agree with about 7 out of the 10 ....

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  3. So, even after the disclaimer I'm confused. Is this "10 tips for how to have sex with Holly Pervocracy", or is this a sarcastic opposite of the above?

    Because these tips are, well, as you said, not applicable to all women. Some of them apply to some of the women I have slept with, and others of them to others.

    I don't think I've ever slept with a #2, though. At least not one that was assertive enough to tell me, at any rate. And, well, yes. There was definitely a time when I was fumbly and inobservant enough to not notice if it was the wrong thing and she just wasn't saying so. Ah, the teen years. Sex by rote. "This Is How To Pleasure A Woman" indeed. :)

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  4. Clarity is eluding me lately.

    perlhaqr - This is "10 tips for how to have sex with Holly Pervocracy," presented as evidence for why it's impossible to write "sex tips" that apply to everyone.

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  5. It seemed pretty clear to me, but I've been reading Pervocracy for a long time and remembered some of Holly's idiosyncrasies.

    I knew that Holly thinks clit stimulation is overrated, for instance, so that made it clear that this generalizing from Holly.

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  6. i toooootally agree with all the points. turns out this is "10 tips for how to have sex with Holly Pervocracy AND Sarah..."

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  7. I missed the point; I thought this was straight-up bizarro sex tips (even though #3 applies to some people I know, #4 to everyone I've slept with, and #5 to everyone I'd be willing to sleep with.

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  8. Cosmo would not advise men not to touch the clit. Cosmo understands that men are too stupid to know where the clit is anyway.

    Sarah, really, you too? My wife would divorce me if I swore off the clit.

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  9. More like "10 tips for how to have sex with Holly Pervocracy AND Sarah AND Jane"... I fully agree with all 10, oddly enough.

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  10. "how to have sex with Holly Pervocracy AND Sarah"

    I doubt that list is enough to accomplish that . . . or did you mean separately?

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  11. Good point Don - althought I guess they could do a whole article (with pictures) on how to find it :)

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  12. Funny, I've never (okay, since my early twenties, anyway) never had a problem finding the clit. And my women would've shot me if I'd stopped stimulating it.
    Your mileage may vary.

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  13. Ok. I got the context of "no one list is going to be correct for all women, and in fact the entire idea is stupid", I just wasn't sure if this was the Holly-pro or Holly-con list. :)

    Not that I'm expecting it to be relevant.

    I am surprised by the number of women here claiming #2. Perhaps I should poll my ladies just to make sure.

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  14. I, too, agree that number 2 is dead on. Unless I'm super into it, in which case #6 becomes relevant.

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  15. This is not a general list, just yours, as I can assure you I know one woman who wants, and deeply needs, her clit directly stimulated, and has her best orgasms during cunnilingus.

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  16. That's funny, I can't get off at all without clitoral stimulation. Though I definitely agree with the dominance and manhandling and not comfortable on top things. Just goes to show how women are different. SHOCKING! :P

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  17. Damn! This post is old, but I just found your blog 2 days ago and simply can't stop reading it :D
    Finally someone who sees things (sex) like I do! Not everything mind you, like your list not all things apply to all woman, but I tend to agree with your views. As for the post-- I put my foot down on the number #2, and make certain my guys know it, specially right off the bat its down right painful. The only one I'm dubious about is number #8, when well done and if he really likes it, then it can be great, awesome really, but if he's not into it, if he doesnt love it, forget it-- it's disastrous!

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