Monday, January 4, 2010

Search Term Saf... Sightseeing Journey!

With slight apologies to The Munchkin Wrangler.

do female guinea pigs hump each other
Yes. A lot. Usually on each other's faces, to add insult to injury.

what do women want sexually
There's three billion of us, dude. If we all wanted the same thing, it would be a known quantity. It would be published. It would be written on cave walls.

"emt porn"
A rich and varied genre, with titles such as "Do Pack The Vagina," "Portable Suction," "Upgrade Code Boobs," and "Honey, I'm Gonna Be Late Again."

"god punishes sluts"
Do you really think the world works like that? In a universe of seeming randomness and disparity, where children get cancer and rapists become millionaires, does God really take a break from all this working in mysterious ways to make sure that sluts sleep through their alarm clocks and step on thumbtacks? Because actually that would explain a lot.

"no safeword" "first time"
Baaaad idea. Just remember that even if nothing was previously negotiated, "I'll press charges" is always a safeword.

""real name" "mistress matisse" -"mistressmatisse.blogspot.com" -"twistedmonk.blogspot.com"
You freakin' creep. Her real name--as in the name that she really uses with all her kink, prodom, and kink-writing activities--is really Mistress Matisse. The only reason to want her legal name is because you're a creep.

"why i left the bdsm scene"
Because they're a bunch of self-important geekosauruses who go into tantrums when the fresh meat doesn't agree to no-limits first-date heavy-pain play with every smelly socially offputting stranger who asks. That's, like, discriminating.

I keep going back though, because they have all those cool toys.

all you need to know about pua
..is that the guys who've done it for years aren't actually happy with their sex lives, they just have new and exciting ways to explain why it's not their fault.

animal sex with my sexy sistar fuck pig.
Uh. Wow.

cum in mouth get you pregnant?
AUGH. People are STILL ASKING THIS. ALL THE TIME. AUUUUGHHH. ARE YOU FIVE YEARS OLD?

fuck a girl from the first date
fucked on the very first date
girl fucked on first date
girl fucks on first date
girl gets fucked on 1st date
girl gets fucked on first date
girl getting fucked first date
girls that fuck on the first date
girls who fuck on the first date

You know, fellas, if you really want this to happen, you should give first-date-fuckers a remote chance at a second date. Fucking on the first date is awesome; fucking on the only date because there's no point pursuing a relationship if she gives it up so easy--less awesome.

humorous but inoffensive one-liners for gender differences
"Didja ever notice how humanity is basically split into two subspecies, one brutish and crude, the other sexless and domestic? What's up with that?"

tell him "he has an all access pass"
See, that sounds like a good way to get out of negotiating sex or discussing your desires, but next thing you know he'll be asking you to animal sex with my sexy sistar fuck pig.

3 comments:

  1. Now, now, they could have been looking for Ent porn. That last one sounds like they were looking for a Cosmo article though.

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  2. Ent porn, huh? They're barking up the wrong, uh ... yeah.

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  3. Hershele: Ok, you got me. I actually laughed out loud at that. Well done. :)

    ReplyDelete