My Secondary Virginity.

My name is Holly, and I'm a secondary virgin. I've been a virgin for... two weeks now. Or three days depending what you count. I was a secondary virgin before that too, but I lost my virginity for a couple hours, and now, like Aphrodite, I have bathed in the sea and become a virgin again.

Secondary virginity is really the best kind, because it comes without the whole inexperience and physical unreadiness thing. When I give my secondary virginity to my future husband, it'll be bundled with an impressive skillset.

But the really special thing about secondary virginity is how alone I get to be. Until my future husband comes along, I get to end every night all by myself in a twin-size bed, staring up at the ceiling blankly until sleep comes. I get to not date any guys who might have, you know, expectations, and that means so much less dating in general. I get to live without the feel and smell of warm skin. I've never had more time for my jewelry projects. I'm making a citrine pendant.

All the cool ladies are virgins. Danielle Staub, whoever that is, is a secondary virgin! Even though she has two kids! That's so totally meaningful! She's not having sex until she gets married, but don't think she's some husband-hunter, because get this: she believes the right one will just come to her! I wish I could be that strong, but unfortunately, I'm attracted to men!

Secondary virginity is not like just deciding not to have sex for a while. Because that would be a personal decision, and you wouldn't get to judge people who made other personal decisions. People who don't have sex are just people, but secondary virgins are better people. They don't make mistakes. I know it's very important not to make mistakes, so I don't do anything with risks. That's why I don't leave my house. But then I heard that most accidents occur in the home, so now I live in the carport.

Did you know that a woman is like a candy bar? Not just because it's an inanimate object you can buy, but because a candy bar can only be unwrapped once! After that it's filthy and no one wants it. But with secondary virginity, you can rewrap the candy bar! A rewrapped candy bar is still kinda gross but at least someone tried.

Sex is like any other activity--the less you do it, the better it is. Like jewelry-making. The first time I made a pair of earrings, I was super great at it and the earrings were even better because I'd never made another pair. But now that I've made tons of jewelry, I guess it is less likely to be lopsided or scratched, and I guess I have had tremendous fun making all this jewelry over the years, but dammit, it's not special. (Plus, no one would let me work with good metal, because I've made too much cheap nickel-silver junk, and you know what that means.)

In conclusion, secondary virginity is way better than adventure and exploration and multiple screaming sweaty delicious orgasms because [remember to figure out a reason before hitting "publish"]