Okay, I've been linked it a few times, so I'm going to take that stupid misogynistic Roissy test. I don't expect good things, because I'm fat, and like half the questions are "are you fat?" with enormous deductions resulting.
1. How old are you?
21 to 25 years old: +8 points
A good start, but note that I'm already on the downslope because I'm out of high school.
2. How important is makeup to your appearance?
It slightly enhances my looks: 0 points
I guess the concept is that if makeup makes you look a lot better, that's false advertisement. Huh. You'd think looking better is looking better, but Roissy, he is very particular.
3. What is your IQ? (This relates tangentially to your ability to connect emotionally with a man.)
Over 145: -1 point
Oh no, I'm just too smart, now the mens will never like me. (IQ isn't really a thing anyway. But every time mine's been tested it's like ridiculous.)
And yet I'm still dumber than LabRat. Man, she must be, like, useless to a man. I bet she never even gets dates.
4. Your breast size is:
B cup: 0 points
This question is so "what Roissy likes," with assumption that all men think exactly the same way. Actually, this test is, but anyway.
5. Your breasts look firm and pert when you wear:
Nothing: +1 point
Yeah, good luck doing that with D-cups. :p
6. How long are your legs in relation to your height?
Average: 0 points
I dunno, I'm short all over. But my legs aren't stubby or anything, I think they're just proportionally short. I mean, "the legs of the merchandise," sorry, this girl didn't mean to use personal pronouns there.
7. What is the shape of your ass?
Round and fleshy: +1 point
Roissy's supposed preferences are so socially normed it's ridiculous. I get the feeling that if he did like something that wasn't part of the 22YOBS stereotype he couldn't even admit it, because all guys like one objective standard dammit. It's evolution or something.
8. How flat is your stomach?
Flabby beer gut and fupa: -10 points
Ouch. I do have a belly. Or as we call it in the sex biz, a "dealbreaker with a belly button."
9. How toned are your upper arms?
Very toned, I can see my triceps: +1 point
If I hold my arm out, I can wobble the fat underneath my upper arm: -1 point
I have arm fat and triceps, I'm taking a zero. Wait, actually, as long as I'm making rules, I'm taking a +100, because really there's no reason to play by an asshole's rules at all.
10. How big are your hands?
Average size: 0 points
Wasn't there a "Friends" episode about this "Manhands" shit?
11. Where is there hair on your body?
I have to shave my legs daily and wax my bushy eyebrows: 0 points
My eyebrows are fine, but I'm pretty sure that just about every post-pubescent woman has leg hair. Anyway, if I shave it, how can you even know or care?
12. Get a tape ruler and measure around your waist and your hips. Divide your waist number by your hip number. This ratio is:
0.85 to 0.95: -1 point
36/42 = 0.86. Wait, that might be smartness again, me sorries, be pretty now.
13. What is your BMI?
(Go here to calculate your BMI. The scoring of female BMI varies somewhat from that of male BMI because aesthetics, not just general health, have to be taken into consideration.)
28.1 to 33.0: -10 points
Yes, because male bodies don't have aesthetics. That would be GAY. Anyway, once again I totally fail because I have the fats.
14. On a scale of 1 to 10, how pretty are you?
5: -1 point
This comes with a lot of blither about how you probably think you're pretty but you're wrong you stupid vain bitch, and two computer-generated evo-psych "average pretty and average ugly" photos, but fuck it, I'm just gonna go with a 5. I have the round face of the "ugly" picture but my features are otherwise intermediate.
Also, I can't help noticing that the "ugly" picture really isn't that bad, isn't nearly as ugly as ugly gets, and that she seems to be wearing much less makeup than the "pretty" picture.
15. How clear is your skin?
People are always telling you how silky smooth your skin looks: +1 point
Even douchebags have told me that at least I have nice skin! I'm all about courting the douchebag vote, as evidenced by this entire post.
16. Do you have any noticeable deformities?
No: 0 points
Phew, thank God I'm not one of those horrible unfuckable disabled people. Although it's worth noting that even if I were missing my entire face it still wouldn't be as much of a dealbreaker as having a belly.
17. How full are your lips?
Average: 0 points
Man, this guy thinks of things I never even consider. I don't think I'd devoted a single instant's thought to my lip thickness before now.
18. How high is your forehead?
Average: 0 points
And again. I keep having to run to the mirror, because fuck, I never even questioned if I had a disfiguringly inadequate forehead before.
19. How long is your jawline from ear to chin?
Short: +1 point
"Dude, you went out with Sandra? That chick has such a long jawline! Ewwwww!"
21. How big is your nose?
Small: +1 point
And I'm Jewish even. What luck.
22. In proportion to the size of your face, are your eyes:
Small and beady: -1 point
They're not "beady," jerkface, but I do have kinda small and almond-shaped eyes.
23. Is the distance between your eyes:
Average: 0 points
I seriously don't even know or care about my eye-distance beauty factor at all. They seem normal to me I guess.
24. You frequently wear sexy lingerie, even when not prepping for a hot date.
Yes: +1 point
Why the hell does he care what I wear when he won't be seeing it? Control freaky creep.
25. When someone gets hurt you are the first to ask if they are OK and to deliver aid if needed.
Almost always: +1 point
This is the first one to actually be a good human quality, and yet it still somehow comes off as frothingly sexist.
26. You are highly competitive and often play co-ed team sports.
I like to exercise on nice days with one on one sports like tennis: +1 point
Competitive sports are a negative. Because a woman should be skinny and muscular, but she shouldn't actually play sports, it's important that it be purely decorative.
27. When a guy approaches you in a bar, regardless of your attraction for him, you:
Pretend like you don’t notice him coming: 0 points
Not exactly, but I'm not going to smile and go "hiiii mister pretty sexy man" to everyone who acknowledges my existence, no. That's not my job.
28. On a first date the check arrives for dinner and drinks. You:
Offer to split the check or even pay in full: +1 point
Partly because these assholes always think a $20 dinner tab entitles them to full ownership of your body.
29. You are about to have sex with a guy for the first time. He undresses and his penis is small. Do you:
Tell him how great his cock looks and feels?: +1 point
I GUESS WE LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT ROISSY TODAY.
And yeah, I will say nice things about it, if they're true. I've had some rockin' good times with a guy who was swinging five inches, because it still looked and felt pretty good. But I'm not going to lie if it doesn't feel good.
Again, I'm not getting paid! I'm not providing customer service here! I have a personal preference for being optimistic and polite, but it's not my fucking job.
30. You think blowjobs are:
Great! You give them spontaneously and there’s never any doubt how much you enjoy it: +1 point
But this guy is making me seriously wonder if I shouldn't.
31. Do you do anal?
Yes, and it makes me come to know how much it pleases my man: +1 point
Although I don't do anal with any guy who asks if I "do anal," because it's not a goddamn service I provide. If you can't figure out how to semantically frame it as a mutual and value-neutral avenue of bodily exploration, you don't get butthole.
(Okay, or if you tell me that I'm a dirty little slut and sluts take it up the ass, don't they little girl. But that only happens after I trust that this kind of talk is secretly just another mutual and value-neutral exploration thing.)
32. The number of sex positions you have tried is:
3 to 10: 0 points
Real sex nerds don't really care about "positions" that much. Partly because real sex nerd sex can be pretty fluid and involve a lot of changing positions and improvisation and spontaneity. Picking out a position and deciding that you're going to do it in The Lusty Leg Lift is for sex n00bs.
33. How often do you curse?
My mouth is a gutter: -1 point
You want a girl who does anal and doesn't swear?
34. You’d best describe your sense of fashion as:
I wear casual clothing that flatters my figure: 0 points
So "stylish" is good, but "label whore" is bad, and 3-inch heels are super sexy. (Gosh, I'm not surprised Roissy doesn't know how long 3 inches is.) This is why I don't take my fashion advice from random misogynistic quiz-memes on the Internet.
And my ending score is... -5! That's actually not as bad as I expected.
Lesser beta. The men you want make fun of you out of earshot. You spend many years learning how to settle for mediocre betas.
Now, this would totally devastate me if I'd taken this test before ever going on a date. But I've actually of a lot of dates. Oh, but they were all "betas," lesser men. Except some of them were attractive and personable and had decent jobs and cool friends, so why were they betas?
...because they dated beta women.
I see how this works. It's kind of like Pokemon. You gotta catch the very best ones if you want the status of being the guy who caught the very best ones. And you know they're the very best ones if they give you the most status, and you know they give you the most status if... dizabin abba bitrei zuzei, chad gadya, chad gadya.
(I'm sorry for making a joke that no one will get, but it's hilarious, trust me.)
I do think it's interesting that Roissy admits that even "omegas" get laid, and even for scores below mine he predicts that they'll get hit on and have sex and get married. But not with the right sort, you see, so it doesn't count.
In the end, what have we learned? Most that I'm a sucker for answering dumb questions about myself. But also, very importantly, that Roissy has a small cock.