Thursday, July 17, 2014

30 Not Even Slightly Consecutive Days of Kink: Days 15-16!

First of all: there is fanart for day 12!

Credit to sbloyd.  Rawr.
Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.
One I've wanted for a long time is sensory deprivation.  I have a fidgety mind; it's hard for me to sit quietly for more than a few minutes without reading or doodling or pacing or reciting facts about sharks.

("We now rise for a moment of silent prayer."  "......"  "......MALE SHARKS HAVE TWO PENISES.")

I already use physically intense play to shut that down in one way, by overwhelming myself with so much sensation that my mind is absolutely swamped with it and doesn't have any processing power left for fidgetyness.  But I'd like to address it another way through BDSM, the opposite way, by giving myself absolutely no opportunity to avoid my own mind.

So I'd like to be locked in a closet for as long as I can stand.  Preferably a whole weekend, but honestly I think I'd probably only last a couple hours.  I would like to be stuck in there with my thoughts and absolutely no way to shut them down.  I'm not even sure what that would be like.  My fantasy is that being forced to face my own mind would lead to some breakthrough that made me permanently less inclined to avoid my own thoughts, but even if that doesn't happen--I still want to know what it's like.

On the more sexy-fun side of BDSM, I would love to bottom in an interrogation scene.  I'm fascinated by the two kinds of power I'd have in that scene--both the power to spill the beans and stop the torment, and the power to not spill the beans and endure.  The push-pull between "I'm so tough and stubborn" and "I can stop this at any time" feels fascinating.  Plus I just want to be tied to a chair by someone in a uniform.

Speaking of uniforms... another thing I haven't tried but have been contemplating is topping in medical play.  I have all these skills from my nursing education, and a powerful desire to misuse them.  Although I wouldn't want to be a Naughty Nurse.  Maybe an extremely authoritative and straight-laced nurse in scrubs and a labcoat.  Or an EMT!  I would be a Naughty EMT and wear a crisp white shirt with shoulder straps and combat boots and tie people to my backboard!  YES.

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
(note: little bit of sexual assault talk)

The secrecy.  It's gotten to be much less of an issue as I get older, but it still bites at me sometimes how much conscious effort I have to put into "who can be trusted with what?" about things as basic as "how was your weekend?" or "so I hear you're a writer."

It hurts when I'm hurting and can't seek help.  A big part of the reason I told almost no one (and still haven't told my parents and a lot of my friends) about being sexually assaulted is that it took place in a scene.  I don't want to change that story to make it more acceptable, but I also don't want to have to preface it with an hour of BDSM 101 where I explain what a "scene" is and how "tie me up" doesn't mean "do anything you want to me," really it doesn't.  So silence becomes the path of least resistance.

And it hurts when I'm proud.  I mean, I've been published in some cool places, I've flown across the country to speak at colleges, I've been cited in academic papers for chrissakes... and there's so many people I can't tell.  I just submitted a story for publication in an erotica anthology and if it gets accepted I can't make the "omg guess what" phone call home.  Boo hoo, I know, but it does hurt (especially in a family that values academic success very highly) that I've done all this cool stuff and there's so many settings where I can't tell anyone about it.

The "your world is now the same twelve people and no matter what happens you'll keep running into them" factor in the BDSM community can get a bit trying at times, too.  It can be charming and comforting sometimes, but if there's someone who's very active in the scene who you don't like (or who's seriously hurt you, for that matter), you're going to spend a whole lot of time awkwardly avoiding eye contact.


  1. "So I'd like to be locked in a closet for as long as I can stand. Preferably a whole weekend, but honestly I think I'd probably only last a couple hours. I would like to be stuck in there with my thoughts and absolutely no way to shut them down."

    I've contemplated attending a silent retreat for similar reasons: currently, when I'm alone my brain behaves in ways that trouble me. If that's ever going to change, Brain and I might need to have it out in a setting where distraction and outside assistance are both unavailable.

    And, so much UGH on the secrecy thing. That really stinks, and I'm sorry.

  2. i bought my boyfriend a session in the 'float house' for his birthday. it's like a sensory deprivation tank- filled with tons of epsom salts, and a bit of water, so you eventually feel a bit like you're floating, and you can't feel the salt or water around you. + no sound + total blackness. very cool!

    1. *looks it up* Dang, the only place anywhere near me that does that charges like $80 an hour, and for that kind of money I would rather get a massage.

      Still, I have a bathtub...

    2. floatseattle dot com has a first-time special for $39, and I get the impression similar deals are often available through Groupon or something. You could see if there's something like that around your area (or ask for it for your birthday, whatever). Oh, and take a look at this (I know nothing about these people, just something a little google-bird told me):

  3. submitted, recently, to an erotica anthology. I don't expect they'll publish it, but it was the first time I'd ever submitted anything for publication, and being younger than you and less acclimatized to "no, really, my parents don't need to know these things", I told my mother I'd submitted a thing. And got told I was selling my morals. And I suspect I'll get no sympathy from my friends because they all know what my mother is like, and know that I know, and they don't get why I keep telling her things. (I keep hoping that maybe this time she'll get it. You sound like you get that, which I appreciate; I've lately been thinking that I'm the only person in the universe who feels this way.)

    I think sensory deprivation would drive me rather spectacularly mad in short order, but then I have sensory processing disorder. Also, my image for sensory deprivation is the bit in "The Lost Symbol" where Langdon is being tortured with it, though as it's Dan Brown it's almost certainly wildly inaccurate.

    My own list is very wide and varied, as there's very little in the scene I've actually done; mostly I read things. At the moment, fireplay and suspensions are topping the list.

  4. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
    Sorry to complain here, but I just had a sudden, unpleasant realization:
    I've been interested in sensory deprivation for a while, but I've now got tinnitus in one ear. Unless that goes away as mysteriously as it appeared, the neato float tank mentioned above, and anything vaguely similar, aren't options anymore, and I would definitely need white noise to be able to stand it at all. Imagine that you can't hear, feel, smell, see anything, except there's a persistent ringing noise that WILL NOT LEAVE. Nooooooooo.

  5. Thank you for posting again. That always makes me really happy.

    Having a background as a psychologist. I've often been aware of sensory deprivation spaces, I know one is attached to my university. So who knows, maybe you have some academics in your circle who might have access to them.

    I had to smile at the locked up in a closet part, as this is something which I would do as a child. I'd lock myself in the closet where my parents kept de vacuum-cleaner and plug my fingers in my ear. Just to be in the silence. Even the light under the door could be too much (so check for that, but do mind the oxygen). I just remember so much peace that way. But I'm almost over stimulated, so downspace/white noise/ is very precious to me.

    Keep in mind that when you are sensory deprived. things such as hallucination can be quite present and scaring (both auditive and visual hallucinations), as our brain usually receives enough impulses to ignore the random firing of itself.

    Have fun!

  6. I wonder if sensory deprivation would be calming when I am having episodes of feeling like my skin is itching or burning so badly that I want to peel it off. Being flogged or slapped hard helps a lot, also covering my skin in oils that give a tingly sensation. I'm autistic and I've heard that others on the spectrum have had similar experiences with sensory play as a way to cope with overstimulation.

  7. First off, I have to say that I really appreciate this series. Sometimes it feels like you're some kind of super kinkster, and it's nice to have reminders that...Well, you're just a normal person.
    Anyway, the last bit was really relatable to me. I have nothing but my own thoughts so much of the time, and I hate that I can only really talk to the boyfriend about so many of them.
    Also, ugh on the tying up thing. When I was a teenager my mom randomly segued into telling me that if you let a guy tie you up, he was going to rape you. And then she wondered where I got the idea that men always want sex and will never turn it down. (This, also, was a big reason why I told my mom she shouldn't read FSoG when she was suddenly interested in it. I can't deal with this shit.)

  8. I love the way you write. I did the 30 days of kink way back on my old blogger. Reading yours, makes me maybe want to try doing it again.

    "("We now rise for a moment of silent prayer." "......" "......MALE SHARKS HAVE TWO PENISES.")" Made me lol.


  9. If you are having trouble turning your rational brain off you could always try a guided meditation. When I first started meditation using the tapes helped me because it gave me just enough stimulation that I could get through a 10-15 minute meditation session. Now I just use a meditation timer and do a body sweep, which is very helpful to me.

    1. I used to meditate lots when I was struggling with negative thoughts. Concentrating on counting my breathing, and blocking out all other thoughts for a little while got me to a point where I was calm enough, and my mind was quiet enough... that I could finally think for myself without depressive stuff interjecting and taking over all the time. It was a really, really good way to think through things that I could never normally address without getting stuck in a loop of nasty self-hate. And if the self-hate started to intrude again, I'd just go back to counting breaths until I was in that quiet place again.

      I should try it for guilty stress sometime, as that's what plagues me much more often now.

  10. Yeah... there are things I can't tell people about *exactly* why my repressed Protestant upbringing fucked me up so bad. I can't explain, even to a lot of people I'm close to, how much it would have helped me to have kink explained to me at an early age, along with masturbation, of course. I can't tell them much about how dark my preteen years were because a lot of the time, it had to do with thinking I was some kind of monster because I fantasized about being tortured. As if it's not hard enough to stray from that Christian path, with how hard they brainwash you into believing you're gonna go to hell for questioning it; add in my secret kinks, and how afraid and ashamed I was of them, and I often felt like I was lost in a nightmare world and the devil was behind every tree. I struggled with my sexuality for years, and never told a living soul until just a year or two ago. Even once I understood that I wasn't alone, there were others like me, I was still ashamed and still kind of scared sometimes. Breaking the secrecy, even with just my therapist and my BFF, turned out to be a huge step forward. But that'll always be a scar I just can't talk about with most of the people I'm closest to, and it sucks.

  11. I was reading this blog and I guess my bf caught the picture at the top and was like "WOAH, wait, go that a T-Rex fucking a tied up person?" And even though I explained it to him, I can't unsee it.

  12. Tyrannosaurs need love, too.

  13. Hey - I'm Sara of mentioned above. I'm happy to answer any questions you may have about sensory deprivation (and that goes for anyone reading this!) - just email me: sara at float boston dot com. Cliff, if you really want to try this, I can make that happen for you. Let's talk!

    Also, as a licensed massage therapist, I'd just like to say: massage is awesome! Floating is *also* awesome - but a very different experience. :)