tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post1236779709799335238..comments2024-03-22T05:55:48.117-04:00Comments on The Pervocracy: What am I?Cliff Pervocracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comBlogger72125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-85739336290453302032012-06-04T18:04:16.271-04:002012-06-04T18:04:16.271-04:00I'm not even sure whether this topic is in the...I'm not even sure whether this topic is in the same category, but just lately I've been toying with the ''asexual'' self-definition. <br />In the past I've identified somewhat precariously as gay, whilst at the same time lacking in any serious interest in the field of sex and relationships that went beyond aesthetics, platonic attachment or curiosity. There are other slightly awkward contributary factors though - I have Asperger's, a series of weird social and touch phobias, and very limited experience. One of the really tempting benefits of calling myself asexual, I think, is that it would serve as an effective method of dealing with people who continuously ask about my ''love life'' despite always getting the same response - ''I'm not really interested in having relationships, but we could talk about yours if you want/could we talk about something else?'' or words to that effect. I'm aware that this makes it a convenient, not-entirely-honest term though, and leaves a lot of details to hash out...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-40421084237357082932012-05-10T15:55:55.826-04:002012-05-10T15:55:55.826-04:00What else is there to say? What would a label add...<i>What else is there to say? What would a label add, what would it clarify?</i><br /><br />I struggle with labels from time to time; it's a relief to see that I'm not alone. (For the record: straight-lesbian-bi-lesbian-whoever I want to do-not kinky-kinky-kinky only when I feel like it.)<br /><br />I'm with you in that labels are merely descriptions, like guidelines: in all likelihood, a straight man has most experience of having sex with women/romantic attachments to women, BUT that doesn't mean he's tied onto that category/definition for the rest of his life, or that he hasn't ever had any other kinds of experiences. The same goes for polygamy, and monogamy, and gender, and... you get my point, I'm sure.<br /><br />Labels are stupid in the sense that most people think they are written in stone. (You can guess how many times I had to explain my preferences to my friends when I "went" from lesbian to bi.) If only people started paying attention to what other people <i>like</i> instead of what they have done in the past or are expected to do, we'd all be happier, I bet.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-13888648034483158312012-05-04T13:08:06.802-04:002012-05-04T13:08:06.802-04:00@ Holly re: Wiccans: maybe you personally haven...@ Holly re: Wiccans: maybe you personally haven't, but it does exist out there, e.g. the Dianic Wiccans at PantheaCon last year excluding trans women.<br /><br />There are assholes everywhere.Alexnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-31312941384748786102012-05-04T13:00:04.976-04:002012-05-04T13:00:04.976-04:00Yeah, if science could hack it I'd totally be ...Yeah, if science could hack it I'd totally be a shapeshifter.<br /><br />I'm similar to Holly and perversecowgirl, although I *do* prefer to be seen as male if I can be.<br /><br />I've started referring to my sexuality as "yes"; maybe my gender should be "no"...Alexnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-40674065048887792542012-05-04T12:50:53.031-04:002012-05-04T12:50:53.031-04:00As a queer woman, I have mostly gotten from lesbia...As a queer woman, I have mostly gotten from lesbians that I'm not really bisexual/queer/whatever because my primary partner of 10 years is male. (Sometimes with a side helping of 'sure, maybe you fuck them but you're not emotionally invested in them so that makes you not queer', which. wat.)Alexnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-63497235430973749622012-05-03T06:02:03.097-04:002012-05-03T06:02:03.097-04:00If someone asked me about my sexuality, I truly wo...If someone asked me about my sexuality, I truly wouldn't know what to answer if I had to be honest...<br /><br />I could say "bisexual" but I've only had sex with a guy once, and I've had way more sexual relationships with women... and yeah there's the whole kinsey scale thing, but my placement on it kind of depends on my mood - some days I feel more attracted to guys, some days I feel more attracted to girls... and sometimes I fantasize about sex with intersex people with both genitals. <br /><br />I guess I could characterize myself as some kind of pansexual? But I don't know if that's totally accurate either...<br /><br />What I really hate is how the society seems to want to put everyone in neat little boxes, ie. you're either gay or straight, you have to "choose" and there's no in-between. On one hand there's the whole heteronormative narrative, and on the other side there's the whole "coming out as gay" narrative - if you ask popular culture, those are pretty much the only options - anything in between plain doesn't exist. And I can tell this caused so much confusion to me when I was younger... I kept trying to classify myself as either gay or straight, even the idea of being bisexual somehow felt like "cheating" - even though rationally thinking that's stupid, but social conditioning and all that. Even now, I sometimes feel a sort of pressure to "choose" which camp I'm in, or that I should make some kind of decision about which gender I like more... even though it makes no sense.<br /><br />I wish I could have read a blog like this when I was young...ddnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-71960826988291846242012-04-28T17:47:56.891-04:002012-04-28T17:47:56.891-04:00It's so true, I feel like this is one of the m...It's so true, I feel like this is one of the most accurate labeling arguments I have ever heard. Sexuality has always been and will always be fluid. A person can identify as straight or gay or other, but that doesn't make them that way forever. These kinds of labels are useful for people trying to identify with other people questioning their sexuality or who identify with sexual minorities, but for serious personal identity one must remember that nobody can label you but yourself. And that you should not feel determined to stick to that label once given if your attraction changes.Michaelnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-90977768064925974932012-04-27T15:00:31.475-04:002012-04-27T15:00:31.475-04:00I do think labels can be handy, as long as they...I do think labels can be handy, as long as they're not limiting, or, as you said, used to tell people what they should do or have to do. Someone wrote into Dan Savage awhile back advocating that all non-sexually-normative people unite under the banner of "queer," and he pointed out that it makes it almost meaningless. It's great to have solidarity, but if we're all queer, you still have to ask "what kind of queer?"<br /><br />It's important to remember that the same label can mean different things. My partner and I are working out how poly will look for us and discovering that we each mean different things by "being poly": I would like to have one or more other people who are part of our relationship on an ongoing basis, and he would like to sometimes sleep with our friends. Those are both okay, so we're working on how we work it in practice and how to feel okay and not judge each other. <br /><br />And thanks for having a cool space where I can share things like that to help me work thru how I feel about them!Nimuenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-88930548510246690522012-04-23T11:33:02.653-04:002012-04-23T11:33:02.653-04:00"Slowly all the roles we act out become our i..."Slowly all the roles we act out become our identity, and in the end we are what we pretend to be."<br /><br />Jerry CantrellTit for Tathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09454132514796693591noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-81904723608545280662012-04-22T18:23:28.802-04:002012-04-22T18:23:28.802-04:00orgasmia - "that's exactly why I, as a st...orgasmia - "that's exactly why I, as a straight, cis ally, do not identify as queer."<br /><br />Me too. I've been told that as a kinky person, I should identify as 'queer', because it's a non-normative sexuality and 'kinky people are oppressed too'... but seriously, fuck that. I don't have to put up with anything like what non-straight, non-cis people do, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-32282394758502286002012-04-22T18:21:07.169-04:002012-04-22T18:21:07.169-04:00Hmmm, you sound like a female version of me. :)
F...Hmmm, you sound like a female version of me. :)<br /><br />For what it's worth, I identify my sexuality as 'basically, straight*'<br />*(but possibly open to experimentation in future, wouldn't want to rule anything out just yet.)<br /><br />As for the kink thing... yup. It took a while before I was even prepared to identify to myself as 'kinky'. I'm still too afraid to identify as such to anybody else, because of all the expectations that go with it. But, you know, one day, with the right person...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-73269603664470761122012-04-21T20:20:43.172-04:002012-04-21T20:20:43.172-04:00Thank you for posting this post, and thanks to the...Thank you for posting this post, and thanks to the commenters too! It's all full of useful brain chow.<br /><br />I'm going to be moderating a discussion on this very topic for my local kinky educational group next month. I expect it shall be a very lively evening. :)<br /><br />I see a lot of people on the internet talking about WIITWD, or gender or any other issue of identity, and *constantly* falling down the "prescriptive" rabbit hole.<br /><br />The "If I identify as "x", that means I must do "y", even if I don't want to." thing makes me crazy.<br /><br />Role or Gender essentialism makes me crazy. <br /><br />I identify as Polymorphously Perverse. I do what i like, consensually, with whom I like. End of story.<br /><br />If you want to know what I like, just *ask*, I'm not very shy. <br /><br />Although the answer a lot if times is: "Well, it depends on my mood, who I'm with, and where I'm at." :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-63995679796810722592012-04-21T20:08:49.103-04:002012-04-21T20:08:49.103-04:00I think about that Asimov story, "The Last Qu...I think about that Asimov story, "The Last Question", sometimes, in regard to this. Until I've been the other sex, how can I know that I'm currently the right one? I'm missing so much data. It's not something I need to do, I'm not body dysphoric to a great degree, but if, in some future, it's easy to try - I definitely would. This is a big part of why I'm so interested in reading transgender folks' stories. More than anyone, they're able to say what's internal, and what's external to their identity. Which bits are just being glued onto them by society, and which are fundamentally a part of them, not the labels.<br /><br />Online, I try for neutral - most things I say are not predicated on my gender, whatever it happens to be. It's a little frustrating that this is one of those core pieces of information about a person that it's important to know. Anonymous strangers can be either (although on most of the Internet they're assumed male), but when you get to know someone there's a lot of pressure to commit one way or the other, if only so you don't have to deal with awkward neutral pronouns. I like they/them, but it's an upward battle against years of education to actually use those in reference to only myself. It doesn't hurt me if I'm referred to as a man or a woman, but I don't like that it matters, and that it's preferable to guess than to just not know.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-20270324449133154572012-04-21T19:57:59.657-04:002012-04-21T19:57:59.657-04:00It would be totally awesome. I fantasize sometimes...It would be totally awesome. I fantasize sometimes about being able to switch up sexes at whim, including fun mix and match styles, or both at the same time!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-5030233328075123602012-04-21T17:42:31.057-04:002012-04-21T17:42:31.057-04:00nichole - that's exactly why I, as a straight,...nichole - that's exactly why I, as a straight, cis ally, do not identify as queer. I refuse to let homo- and transphobic assholes define normality. Being kind to people of different sexual and gender identities than one's own should not be non-normative. Not calling myself queer is a humble attempt to normalize non-bigoted hetero- and cissexuals. (Not that you personally are undermining that.) <br /><br />Also, if all "queer" means is "non-normative", that kind of dilutes the term's power, because every single person is non-normative in some way or another. Hell, Mormonism is fairly non-normative - does that make Mitt Romney queer?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-78779200267719085922012-04-21T13:32:55.162-04:002012-04-21T13:32:55.162-04:00Agreed. I often identify as "mostly straight,...Agreed. I often identify as "mostly straight," and find it to be useful short-hand when I want to not be 100% hetero-normative but also not launch into a speech along the lines of this entire (fabulous) article. I also like the term "heteroflexible" for convenient short-hand.Britnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-18733796358719926432012-04-21T02:50:21.003-04:002012-04-21T02:50:21.003-04:00"There are times when I really want to relabe..."There are times when I really want to relabel myself "kinkyfluid" and "polyfluid" or something, just to emphasize that these are things I do sometimes in some ways; they're not things I've made some sort of commitment to doing."<br /><br />I look at bi,poly,kinky,switch as things that give me more opportunity. I have it written into the labels in my head that it that it means that I have options for when I feel like them so I never have to live up to anything.<br /><br />I see your point about not getting bogged down in labels but on the other hand they are so helpful. I have only recently found out that ace was even a sexuality and having a term for it seems to make it so much easier for many people to just tell others what is up and have it taken seriously. Before not having interest in sex was always seen as a disease or something. <br /><br />And take this for example, one of my friends works like the poster above<br /><br />"I've accepted to identify as "a person with low libido who only feels sexual attraction in combination with a very specific type of emotional bond, generally involving a lot of previous non-sexual physical closeness"."<br /><br />I've seen people use demi-sexual for that and it is handy both to have the short hand and to see that other people work like that too.<br /><br />The trick I think is to not go backwards and try to make yourself match your label, it should just be convenient way to describe yourself. Also if there isn't a label that fits you have to use more words.<br /><br />I think the point you were making is that no matter what the label a person is still the thing described and not the description, so agonizing over which word they are is missing the point.Falconnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-64781375484547794102012-04-20T21:25:27.936-04:002012-04-20T21:25:27.936-04:00i think kate bornstein is using queer as it has be...i think kate bornstein is using queer as it has been defined in academic circles. that is, queer stands in for non-normative, but is also a political identity label because being non-normative in any way is already deeply political. so a person who is a straight-ally can be both queer & straight, as someone who is non-normative based on, well, not being a homophobic asshole. unfortunately, that is what is considered normal.<br /><br />anyway, i definitely agree that no one should label anyone else ever.nicholehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17517158982214780009noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-55108537350820913732012-04-20T18:39:41.022-04:002012-04-20T18:39:41.022-04:00Thank you :) This goes beyond anything sexual to a...Thank you :) This goes beyond anything sexual to any label applied to people. I am a dancer because I love to dance and feel unfulfilled if I don't; I don't dance because I'm a dancer.<br /><br />Also, this makes me think of this song: http://soundcloud.com/nit-grit/what-am-iAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-84005278087202904452012-04-20T10:52:01.951-04:002012-04-20T10:52:01.951-04:00Some, perhaps you could say many, religions don...Some, perhaps you could say many, religions don't judge people about their sexuality, but the ones that do seem to be at the root of the problem.Vickynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-28864736013301998842012-04-20T09:53:57.573-04:002012-04-20T09:53:57.573-04:00I see a lot of bullshit about the use of the word ...I see a lot of bullshit about the use of the word 'queer' for asexual folks. (You can't be queer! You're not oppressed enough!) As someone on that spectrum whose rape was explicitly corrective in nature for my aceness, I want to scream and shake anyone who says that.<br /><br />I also admit I have NEVER run into that genderqueer pressure you describe. Then again, I tend to avoid scenes like the plague.<br /><br />--RoganLBThttp://baaingtree.deviantart.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-72499800818196886592012-04-19T22:12:56.930-04:002012-04-19T22:12:56.930-04:00I got it from lesbians, but then I was at a very l...I got it from lesbians, but then I was at a very liberal college with a (proportionally) large gay community that was pretty bi-hostile at the time.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-76792370156436133922012-04-19T17:10:13.965-04:002012-04-19T17:10:13.965-04:00A friend of mine sometimes refers to himself and/o...A friend of mine sometimes refers to himself and/or his relationship as "differently straight": he's heterosexual, and in a long-term committed poly triad with a woman and another man (also heterosexual). So, "straight" because he's entirely heterosexual, but not fitting the default/normative pattern relationship pattern: all three of them consider themselves married to each other.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-54780189878074190872012-04-19T15:11:49.088-04:002012-04-19T15:11:49.088-04:00i sometimes fantasize about a future where we have...i sometimes fantasize about a future where we have technology that can let us change sex at will. you could wake up in the morning and think "today i feel like having male genitals" and zap, you'd have them, and the next day you could decide to be female and so on... i think that'd be awesome.ddnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-68923507679101143812012-04-19T14:27:01.216-04:002012-04-19T14:27:01.216-04:00"genderfluid" always makes me think of s..."genderfluid" always makes me think of some kind of liquid you use to keep your gender lubricated...ddnoreply@blogger.com