tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post3219539868215666576..comments2024-03-22T05:55:48.117-04:00Comments on The Pervocracy: Guest Post: Top Tips for New Friends in the Scene.Cliff Pervocracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-27306745899944037702012-02-16T07:40:49.600-05:002012-02-16T07:40:49.600-05:00Wow, so don't be a dick? That is really sad, ...Wow, so don't be a dick? That is really sad, that someone would equate "I don't find you attractive" with "You are creepy". But y'know, go ahead and don't inflict yourself on anyone you think is creepy just because they are gender queer or plump, yeesh.Lord Domly Pants' Banenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-38271713960976549722012-02-10T09:06:37.714-05:002012-02-10T09:06:37.714-05:00If your city is that big, there may be multiple lo...If your city is that big, there may be multiple local scenes. I know that's true of D.C., so you can find the group that suits you.Doctor Whomhttp://heterodoxhomosexual.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-16919830923989287992012-02-09T11:16:28.607-05:002012-02-09T11:16:28.607-05:00The only caveat I would suggest is the following: ...The only caveat I would suggest is the following: for #18, be introspective about it. If someone's BEHAVING in a creepy way (being super-forward, insistent, not respecting boundaries) then by all means cut them out of your business. But be wary of doing things like judging on appearance. I'm genderqueer, sometimes read as male, and fat, and I'm fortunate that this combination (overweight, read as male) happens to make me "cuddly", not "creepy". But my primary kink community is a college town, and every August we get an influx of new people (and lose some older ones). This leads to a certain number of involved, respected community members who fall into the "older larger nerdy men" demographic getting unnecessary shit, and it slows down the process of welcoming newbies because they're put off by some of our traditionally "uncool" or "unsexy" community members.<br /><br />So basically, protect yourself, but be aware that sometimes when people are coded "creepy", it has more to do with whether or not they meet standards of attractiveness and less to do what they've actually done.Evelyn S.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-9960624749859826172012-02-07T18:00:52.078-05:002012-02-07T18:00:52.078-05:00The mutual assured destruction does not work if on...The mutual assured destruction does not work if one person has to lose a lot more by being outed.DFLnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-29482983390038906932012-02-07T12:37:56.923-05:002012-02-07T12:37:56.923-05:00Thanks for this advice. As a newbie interested in ...Thanks for this advice. As a newbie interested in kink but so far not brave enough to dip my toe into the local scene, I hope at some point to have the courage to follow it. :)<br /><br />(It doesn't help that I live in a big city, so the 'local scene' is huge, scary and intimidating. I need to find something small to start off with, I think.)Alasdairnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-17481260100761437932012-02-06T07:48:21.948-05:002012-02-06T07:48:21.948-05:00There's one other tip I'd add for newbies ...There's one other tip I'd add for newbies particularly women under 25(?), and that is, don't proclaim in your FL profile that you are brand new to all this. All you'll do is attract a stream of creepy men with cock-shots for their profile pic. Claim a few months' experience on the scene and it'll help filter some of the crap. In person at a munch or whatever, it's fine to discuss how long you've been around, how you discovered your kink/the scene etc if you're comfortable doing so because you can use you gut in deciding who to talk to. Some of the folks I met at my first munch have developed into firm friends, and I am so glad I made the effort to go and introduce myself to people. <br /><br />I also definitely second tip #13 of choosing mentors from the leaning you identify with (dom/sub/switch/fetishist etc).NessieMonsternoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-23871815760004631172012-02-04T14:40:56.268-05:002012-02-04T14:40:56.268-05:00At the play parties I go to, even the Serious Hard...At the play parties I go to, even the Serious Hardcore Mr. Kinkypants players often play around in really "light" ways. They might hold their sub down and tickle them, for example. Or let a newbie try out the lowest setting on the violet wand they brought. I've done little OTK hand spanking "scenes" at play parties, and that was no big deal. It will depend on the vibe where you live and play, but where I am people really embrace the "your kink is not my kink but your kink is okay" thing, and are very understanding and accommodating people.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-74879442204337243652012-02-04T14:31:52.957-05:002012-02-04T14:31:52.957-05:00Lately I've been hanging out with a guy who is...Lately I've been hanging out with a guy who is out in the kink scene (uses real name in person, face pics on Fetlife, etc.) while working as a high school teacher. On the other hand, he does live in Oakland and kink around in SF, and the stigma is much less here. I'd say that if you meet people in person at kinky events, and someone wants to destroy your reputation, there's kind of a mutually assured destruction thing going on; they can't say they saw you somewhere without admitting they were there. Just some thoughts.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-34563147139871284062012-02-04T11:14:34.972-05:002012-02-04T11:14:34.972-05:00Match stick here, again.
I wanted to address the ...Match stick here, again.<br /><br />I wanted to address the question of closet culture making it harder to build a consent culture. I think it does, but I don't think it is in the top three issues that we are facing. I think misogyny, domism, and the urge not to make waves far outweigh it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-19771206177646089062012-02-04T11:09:42.892-05:002012-02-04T11:09:42.892-05:00Match Stick here... I should really get a blogspot...Match Stick here... I should really get a blogspot account or something at some point.<br /><br />Struggling and wrestling matches are common and fun part of play parties. Your link would be well understood and welcome, and not considered "too vanilla."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-38867200750479285902012-02-04T10:48:31.790-05:002012-02-04T10:48:31.790-05:00Good morning everyone,
This is Match Stick. You...Good morning everyone, <br /><br />This is Match Stick. You are right to question number nine. I question it myself. I erred on the side of simplicity and caution because this is a document aimed at new people. <br /><br />Personally, I feel at the beginning of my experience in the kink community I was way too out of the closet, and have since gone back in considerably. There is nothing like having the unemployment office ask you if you are getting any income from the leather nonprofit you are running. Thankfully there was nothing in the nonprofits name to raise any specific questions.<br /><br />I've seen a number of people who are in training to become a teacher have pictures of their face up and then having thought it out more decide to take them down. Given the way the Internet works it is a lot harder to get your data back then to put it out there in the first place, so again I erred on the side of the closet.<br /><br />I should probably add an asterisk to this item, that this is something you may wish to change in the future. Also, I should probably note that this document has a pretty strong heterosexual bias overall.<br /><br />About being in the closet in general...<br /><br />Check out: http://www.leatherati.com/leatherati/2011/05/guy-baldwin-nla-houston-keynote-speech.html<br /><br />I don't fully agree with him that you can't be a leader from the closet, but he's certainly right that makes it much, much, harder. Also, until our leaders are out we are not going to make substantial progress with the society as a whole. But I'd prefer to have an income that isn't from a large organization before I do that personally. Because staying in the closet is primarily an income decision for me I've decided I need to spend some of that income by donating to causes that support our freedom this year. <br /><br /><br />Holly, it sounds like it might be a good idea to write a post about the decision to be in the closet or not.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-59952606729059445012012-02-04T07:29:42.203-05:002012-02-04T07:29:42.203-05:00I hope this is okay, but I have a newbie BDSM ques...I hope this is okay, but I have a newbie BDSM question. I had been sort of familiar with the whole idea, but I didn't really understand how broad a spectrum it is until I started reading this wonderful blog a few months ago. <br /><br />So, hypothetically, if someone's kink were to be restrained manually while struggling (like, struggling for real! Don't just let this hypothetical person go as soon as she starts to wiggle!), and that person was finding that her vanilla partners haven't been able to understand just <i>how much</i> she likes that... would this be "too vanilla"? Or something similar to that? My kinks are light stuff, so I feel like I'm in some kind of limbo between vanilla-land and BDSM. <br /><br />For the first time, your posts on the subject are making me think I might not be laughed out of a play party. If you have a minute, I'm curious what you think about this. Thanks.Annienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-60277964271242405302012-02-03T18:33:11.590-05:002012-02-03T18:33:11.590-05:00And on top of that, ask every time. I don't a...And on top of that, ask every time. I don't always want to be touched, and it's very often not a personal thing, but sometimes I really want to be touched or it's okay. That attitude, that I need to accept any touch all the time, really pisses me off.Jaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-28521480800973247042012-02-03T14:23:22.354-05:002012-02-03T14:23:22.354-05:00Nentuaby - In Massachusetts (where Match_Stick and...Nentuaby - In Massachusetts (where Match_Stick and I live), BDSM is illegal and people have been arrested for it. So people are a little more cautious here.<br /><br />Ultimately it's a personal choice, though, even here.<br /><br />I think it's good advice for new people, though, because giving your real information right off the bat can ruin your ability to maintain confidentiality if you change your mind later. I think someone should get to know their local situation and get an idea of what risk they're comfortable with first, and decide whether to start using their real identity only afterwards.Cliff Pervocracyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-84905321319137200062012-02-03T14:20:14.951-05:002012-02-03T14:20:14.951-05:00I, personally, think it was wrong to include #9 as...I, personally, think it was wrong to include #9 as a Rule. This may be a regional-cultural thing-- I'm an SF Bay Area kinkster, we have the freedom to fly our freak flags pretty high-- but about 75% of the kinksters I know introduce themselves by their real first names. (Scene Names tend to indicate a veteran of the sort who's been around since the bad old days, in fact.) <br /><br />Personally, my Fetlife profile has my name and face on it, and that's a very deliberate choice. I may face consequences someday-- but as an openly queer fellow coming out into the kink scene, <i>hell</i> if I was going to move into a new closet. They suck.<br /><br />If I were writing this, I'd have added a coda about *how* to do that if it's one's wish, and a rule about *respecting* the identity protection of others if they choose to employ it. But just saying "protect your identity," not so much.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-52037604400244500132012-02-03T13:58:37.843-05:002012-02-03T13:58:37.843-05:00A tap on the shoulder to get someone's attenti...A tap on the shoulder to get someone's attention at a munch still better be OK because otherwise I'm breaking that rule whenever I need to :P The other option is generally going to be screaming in their ear "EXCUSE ME IS IT OK IF I TAP YOU ON THE SHOULDER TO GET YOUR ATTENTION BECAUSE IT IS RATHER LOUD IN HERE WITH ALL THESE CONVERSATIONS GOING ON AND I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT WE'RE TRYING TO GET BY YOU TO GO TO THE BATHROOM."superglucosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18398359404946835540noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-558417070808513642012-02-03T12:45:09.044-05:002012-02-03T12:45:09.044-05:00Other advice: see if your local community is the o...Other advice: see if your local community is the only local community. If you're in a larger city or a college/hippie town, it may not be. There's a couple different scenes in Boston with only a little bit of crossover, and some are friendlier than others. (To anyone this makes sense to: I hang with the CSG and BTNG crowds mostly, but they do have some really bad apples; I believe MOB is a lot more carefully policed. There's also this whole other club scene, and probably a couple other parallel kink universes, that I know nothing at all about.)<br /><br />In particular, if you're a woman, gay man, and/or trans* person, there may be a parallel scene that's open to you but not to (or is very selective/watchful about) cis het men, and that's often a safer space.Cliff Pervocracyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-46123182775845206812012-02-03T12:35:15.167-05:002012-02-03T12:35:15.167-05:00My advice is to get to know the good people in the...My advice is to get to know the good people in the scene and see if you can organize your own, invite-only parties consisting only of the people you know are cool. Don't be afraid to be extremely unfair and meaniepants when you're making your guest list, and make it clear that pulling any boundary-pushing bullshit will get people taken off that guest list.<br /><br />This requires you or one of the other good people to have access to a venue, but if you do (even if it means just inviting five or six people for a very small party in someone's apartment), careful guest list management can create a safe little subscene.Cliff Pervocracyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-1942916932872074722012-02-03T12:32:07.932-05:002012-02-03T12:32:07.932-05:00I think that one can use a caveat -- be out if you...I think that one can use a caveat -- be out if you feel okay with it! Don't do anything that feels weird. I use my real name on FL (first name), and have face pictures. I don't care if I'm outed, and I don't feel my safety is compromised. But that's a decision I made after a while.<br /><br />However, in other areas (Flickr porn), I don't even include tattoos. Do what you feel is best for yourself!mags_noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-47334399216263317802012-02-03T12:06:37.940-05:002012-02-03T12:06:37.940-05:00This is interesting, because my local community is...This is interesting, because my local community is so unhealthy. While they SAY it's okay not to play, there is a ton of pressure to play or watch, and if you're unwilling to play in public or with strangers, basically nobody will talk to you. I've been harassed at events and by "pillars of the community" and the response is to ostracise the person complaining about harassment. I'd really like to get more involved so I can learn things, but frankly the dynamic is really scary. Any advice?Latininghttp://latining.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-30220752169497133192012-02-03T11:29:28.196-05:002012-02-03T11:29:28.196-05:00Oh, ummm, this is awkward. I was talking about Pip...Oh, ummm, this is awkward. I was talking about Pip Hunn's neon blue hair. Unless you posted a picture of your hair on here and I forgot about it, I haven't seen your hair recently. But I'm sure it's awesome too! :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-19561391850443723302012-02-03T10:39:44.595-05:002012-02-03T10:39:44.595-05:00Nice hovercraft, but is it full of eels?Nice hovercraft, but is it full of eels?perlhaqrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01920117742664645165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-23494759912293760782012-02-03T09:40:24.065-05:002012-02-03T09:40:24.065-05:00I'm still really nervous about being in any wa...I'm still really nervous about being in any way related to the "scene", primarily because of my job--I teach. And somehow, "professor who is kinky when she's not at work" seems to translate into many people's minds as "filthy whore who totally talks about sex in class."<br /><br />I blame the old Virginal Teacher stereotype.Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15116805850923318070noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-88068625443583487882012-02-03T03:55:31.994-05:002012-02-03T03:55:31.994-05:00I don't think that Rule 10 exactly requires yo...I don't think that Rule 10 exactly requires you to break Rule 9; in a social/group setting, other people are sharing their information back. It's not 'I am giving my phone number to some person I've never met' but 'I and these others are getting to know each other'. <br /><br />Also, the next pet I own is going to be named Lord Domly Pants.mythagohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07138471078836187498noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-51239356582923595522012-02-03T01:03:40.521-05:002012-02-03T01:03:40.521-05:00#18 - Oh, good God, #18. If you meet someone and t...#18 - Oh, good God, #18. If you meet someone and they twig on your radar as 'off', you are doing yourself absolutely no favors by deciding to ignore that feeling. I speak from unpleasant experience.Dominiquehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02326343386555215862noreply@blogger.com