tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post368056289455846256..comments2024-03-22T05:55:48.117-04:00Comments on The Pervocracy: Returning to Sexyland.Cliff Pervocracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comBlogger70125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-44578611987207931892012-08-15T09:37:22.563-04:002012-08-15T09:37:22.563-04:00I've followed your blog for a little over a ye...I've followed your blog for a little over a year now, and basically have loved every word you've written. And I wanted to thank you. Because I've been trying to figure out my own sexuality as of late, sort through things I like and don't like. It was actually you mentioning about some shady people in the local kink scene that kept me from exploring further, because I realized that I really had very little clue what I was getting into, and that, I needed to deal with my ptsd before entering that world. And I know how you're super into consent, and how you think it's sexy, so I thought I'd share this, (though I wouldn't be surprised if you've seen it already). <br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1u13Bbr_I08=" rel="nofollow">Ask Me, Maybe?</a>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-29487020036438304142012-08-13T22:07:34.240-04:002012-08-13T22:07:34.240-04:00THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
I'm in the midd...THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU<br /><br />I'm in the middle of withdrawing from multiple commitments to my local and regional community (it takes a while, my calendar was full when I realized I was drowning), and have withdrawn from multiple kinky relationships in the last few months (mostly the "just kink" or "heavy kink" ones) and I've been questioning everything. A lot of what you posted here is aligned with some of the conclusions I've been coming to very recently about what went wrong for me that led to this need to flee because "omg can't breathe what am i doing!?!?"<br /><br />I'm so relieved to read this! Not to hear "I took a break too, you'll be back" from a friend or acquaintance in the scene, but to read from a complete stranger (as far as I know) that yes, you felt this way, you dove in too deep too fast for maybe the "wrong" reasons and you need to back off, take a break, reevaluate, start again, but slower this time.<br /><br />So much relief I may not be coherent, but I had to comment anyway to say THANK YOU THANK YOU.<br /><br />I just found your blog tonight via a link on a post by CaptainAwkward. I am so very glad I followed that link and then went perusing through some of your other posts. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have found this, and I wouldn't have just felt five pounds lift off my shoulders.Haikuhttp://haiku-tx.livejournal.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-86989572853778886722012-08-09T01:26:58.823-04:002012-08-09T01:26:58.823-04:00The point is that I don't need to be told why ...The point is that I don't need to be told <i>why</i> I got harassed in a kinky space (a space that is always, always first on the "this is a great kinky space for everyone!" list). I don't care <i>why</i> I got harassed. It doesn't matter - <i>I got harassed.</i> I also don't need someone else's opinions about my life, because I should think my own opinion and point of view is the most important. Considering, you know, that it's my life.Bored Bloggernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-63707730581259359932012-08-08T17:43:06.130-04:002012-08-08T17:43:06.130-04:00Bella, I promise the ice really isn't that thi...Bella, I promise the ice really isn't that thin here. I don't get that angry that much. But this one just ticked me off because a woman had revealed something vulnerable and he tried to co-opt that. It felt to me like he wasn't treating her as a real person, like he was treating her experiences as a topic of theoretical discussion, and that is both a really male-privileged and really <i>plain rude</i> thing do to.<br /><br />When someone says "I've been harassed" to you in person, would you respond with "I've developed some theories about harassment and I'd like to expound upon them now, perhaps they will be of interest," or would you show some human sympathy?<br /><br />This really isn't any harder to figure out than talking in person.<br /><br />(Not Me's also made obnoxious comments in the past, so I have a bit of a history with him.)Cliff Pervocracyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-48846911480373651872012-08-08T17:36:24.708-04:002012-08-08T17:36:24.708-04:00I am a 20-year-old female interested, but not acti...I am a 20-year-old female interested, but not active, in kink and various related fields, most aspects of sexuality included. I keep up with this blog because I think Cliff reveals a lot of vulnerability in her posts, to which I can relate. I always enjoy reading the comments, and although I have never commented before, I have never felt as if I couldn't.<br /><br />But the responses to Not Me's original post really scare me off. Not Me did not come across as intentionally condescending or rude, so I don't understand why the post was immediately dismissed as "mansplaining." We don't even know if Not Me is male... Surely a well-meaning post, even if you find something off about it, could be refuted and dissected in a more respectful way? At this point, I am not even sure what I'm allowed to say in this comment without being jumped. I'm not trying to troll; I'm just concerned that potential commenters like myself may feel the same trepidation that I do about speaking up.Bellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-67420724405299962552012-08-08T14:35:39.773-04:002012-08-08T14:35:39.773-04:00Well, the huge appeal of your blog (for me at leas...Well, the huge appeal of your blog (for me at least) is how you debate about things in a way that is fair and succint in your main articles. You don't owe the same courtesy to trolls, but different point of view/professed ignorance is not the same thing as being an asshole - judging from their 2nd post, this was their honest opinion and they did listen carefully to the actual debate that followed their first post.piranhasnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-83939569832381689542012-08-08T14:24:14.809-04:002012-08-08T14:24:14.809-04:00I'm only resorting to "if you don't l...I'm only resorting to "if you don't like it don't read it" because you seem to be arguing that any asshole who wanders in here to bloviate deserves a thoroughly cited and politely written rebuttal in parlimentary debate format, or otherwise we shouldn't say anything.<br /><br />That is bullshit, and I do not owe you a citation to explain why.Cliff Pervocracyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-2335504520908737202012-08-08T14:21:28.127-04:002012-08-08T14:21:28.127-04:00"here's how it is, ladies. MAN FACTS.&quo..."here's how it is, ladies. MAN FACTS."<br />I don't see that condescension in their post. Just because most of the people here agree that it is condescending does not make it a fact.<br /><br />I don't care what you think about my tone or Not Me's tone. Your argument is - if you don't like it don't read it, it's not like you're paying me - which, while valid, bars any sort of discussion, which again, is valid, it's your blog, you don't have to engage me or anyone in conversation. <br /><br />I do not want to be part of yet another circle-jerk (like reddit for example), so I will show myself out. The reason I posted the previous message and not just left right away is because I thought I may be mistaken regarding the attitude, but I don't think I am now, you basically wear it on your sleeve.piranhasnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-87582342892016243962012-08-08T10:25:37.620-04:002012-08-08T10:25:37.620-04:00I've been backing away from sexytime with stra...I've been backing away from sexytime with strangers lately, and a recent experience has crystallized the reasons for me. <br /><br />My boyfriend's former roommate is fairly well known in the local kink scene, known for being a really good/supportive scene partner who tends to make people feel very good about their sexuality, in fact. While he was living with my boyfriend he expressed interest in hooking up with one or both of us. Neither of us was particularly feeling it - not because we got a creepy vibe, we just weren't interested, so we politely declined. End of story. <br /><br />Well, turns out when my boyfriend moved out to be with me, the roommate screwed him over on several hundred dollars worth of utility bills. (Boyfriend is unemployed right now, so this is a significant financial blow and Roommate knows it.) One of my first thoughts upon learning this was "I am *so glad* I never touched that guy!" <br /><br />Now, he's not a sexual predator at all, just a garden-variety horrible person. Even if I had some magical sex-predator radar, there would have been nothing for me to pick up on. But nonetheless, I learned after the fact that he is someone I can never like or respect. And ultimately, I don't want to have sex with someone I don't like or respect - which is why, for me at least, sex with strangers/acquaintances is inherently problematic.Ericanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-32589586976704008692012-08-08T09:35:43.351-04:002012-08-08T09:35:43.351-04:00Oh shit, sorry this blog isn't being run to yo...Oh shit, sorry this blog isn't being run to your standards, boss. Maybe you should hire another writer.<br /><br />(That's my got-up-too-early way of saying I don't like <i>your</i> tone either, and not every condescending-ass "here's how it is, ladies. MAN FACTS." needs to be elevated to the status of a serious debate. When Bored Blogger shared her personal experiences she was not opening up the floor for debate.)Cliff Pervocracyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-72790264303149004022012-08-08T08:02:14.208-04:002012-08-08T08:02:14.208-04:00I am frankly disappointed at how (some of) the com...I am frankly disappointed at how (some of) the community of this blog is handling point of views that don't fit their world-view (Not Me's). Namely, you are resorting to respond to tone and namecalling (http://www.paulgraham.com/disagree.html). The person just said their opinion, which, frankly is not entirely off base. In fact, I do not think it is off base at all, I am thinking it could be true. I thought the bit about the 'shy, timid newcomers' was insightful, the first point also resonates with my experiences in other scenes. I may be wrong, but do I have to put a disclaimer about it? We are all adults here, some person saying their opinion (and clearly stating it is an opinion) should not be a problem.<br /><br />So, if you think what he? said is not representative, (and your experience gives you some authority to claim so) just say so, ie, attack their points, not their tone. They have the right to say whatever they want within reason and they've already made it clear that their authority on the subject is not that big.<br /><br /> Seeing this treatment to a person who just said their opinion just makes me think that this blog, in the same way as many others (world-view irrelevant), is comprised of a lot of people who agree with each other and support each other, but end up handling opposition in a way that is unfair. I believe this ultimately sabotages conversation - I believe there are things to be learnt from people who disagree and their voices should be encouraged and dissected fairly. Seeing this treatment, people who disagree may just decide to not say anything.<br /><br />Kudos to Not Me for saying their opinion - I don't think he? needs to apologize for his? tone, just read the arguments on this thread that are directed to his points (which, judging from their second post, he? did).piranhasnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-40134772108918519412012-08-08T02:24:40.641-04:002012-08-08T02:24:40.641-04:00Sometimes I think that if my initial IRL encounter...Sometimes I think that if my initial IRL encounters with kinksters had been with anyone other than the horrible, disgusting creeps that make me nauseous to think about (they decided I must be submissive because I was shy and a woman at the same time - over my objections, decided that meant they could joke about tying me up and breaking me, called me a prude to my face because I didn't want to see one of them deep-throat a dildo at a non-kink-oriented event... etc etc) I might have considered thinking about my sexuality in terms other than "NOPE."<br /><br />I'm glad to see someone actually in the scene acknowledging how fucked up it is.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-3308128101534276362012-08-07T20:40:13.328-04:002012-08-07T20:40:13.328-04:00Hahha - great pic!
And it's great to be able t...Hahha - great pic!<br />And it's great to be able to be a pervert when you want to be, and also be a "newcomer" when it's appropriate. People shouldn't be pigeon-holed!Sexy Little Ideashttp://sexylittleideas.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-27287849681350318262012-08-07T18:22:44.912-04:002012-08-07T18:22:44.912-04:00not here buddynot here buddyCliff Pervocracyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-60601603003278500132012-08-07T18:00:26.991-04:002012-08-07T18:00:26.991-04:00This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-41847935211879999342012-08-07T14:33:55.167-04:002012-08-07T14:33:55.167-04:00Thank you for this post, I really appreciate it.Thank you for this post, I really appreciate it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-25585198057515458352012-08-07T13:27:03.773-04:002012-08-07T13:27:03.773-04:00"In gaming terms, you're making an oppose..."In gaming terms, you're making an opposed check, which is a lot harder than a straight-up skill check."<br /><br />Like a grapple roll!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-24985740769751280182012-08-07T11:45:41.867-04:002012-08-07T11:45:41.867-04:00Yes and no.
It gets better, probably (and, as oth...Yes and no.<br /><br />It gets better, probably (and, as others noted, in person spaces don't suffer the same problems as online spaces, though they have their own set of problems). There are certainly things you can learn to do to keep yourself safer, and to deal with assholes more easily. Perhaps most importantly, you can meet people who become actual friends, so you don't have to deal solely with strangers. In that sense, it's easier if you're experienced. But even people with years of experience have told me that they still have to deal with assholes and predators who ignore not only common decency but explicitly stated boundaries and self-identifications.<br /><br />I don't know specifically what you experienced, or when you left fetlife. There seem to be things happening now that might make it a better place for most people by making it harder for abusers to hide. I certainly hope that changes are made (or, alternatively, that a better replacement is found), and that certain toxic aspects of the community there are at least reduced in the future.Fnordnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-58730847384487574502012-08-07T05:01:16.879-04:002012-08-07T05:01:16.879-04:00You are more than welcome! If it helps at all I fo...You are more than welcome! If it helps at all I found that being honest with yourself and communicative with your partner makes a big difference. The general rule of thumb was that it was okay to change your mind about something. If I thought that I was okay with her sleeping with someone and said to go ahead and she did, and then I realized that in fact I totally did not want her sleeping with that person and it made me insanely jealous, I could tell her even if she'd already done it. "Gee I'm sorry baby, I thought I was okay with that but it turned out I really wasn't, can we maybe talk about you not sleeping with that person again?" And she wouldn't because our rule was the primary partner got veto power.<br /><br />She'd had bad experiences in the past with a partner giving permission then freaking out after the fact, accuse her of cheating and causing friends to shut her out completely so we decided that to avoid that but still give each other permission to change our minds about something that we needed to just talk about it.<br /><br />And I'm babbling at 3 in the morning so I apologize!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04441821385759323424noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-88885345523421955942012-08-07T04:53:12.389-04:002012-08-07T04:53:12.389-04:00In general any space, kinky or otherwise, IRL or o...In general any space, kinky or otherwise, IRL or online are safer when you express an aura of confidence and comfort. Most people new to a space don't put off those types of vibes and people who are sensitive to such things (and total dicks) may take advantage of that.<br /><br />So essentially yes, but only because when you are older or more experienced you tend to send out to the world that you're confident and can take care of yourself.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04441821385759323424noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-79809439889197152012012-08-07T00:30:41.940-04:002012-08-07T00:30:41.940-04:00Ah, cool. Thanks!
I have friends who've experi...Ah, cool. Thanks!<br />I have friends who've experimented a bit with opening things up, but no one who's made it a long term choice. It's nice to have the opportunity to ask!Nicnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-45232928892892840142012-08-06T22:40:59.419-04:002012-08-06T22:40:59.419-04:00I had a lot of similarly bad experiences in the BD...I had a lot of similarly bad experiences in the BDSM community. If there were a lot more people like you in the scene and a lot fewer people like my abusive ex-boyfriend, I'd be happy to go back, too.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-40660232036650342872012-08-06T18:31:24.796-04:002012-08-06T18:31:24.796-04:00Good to see you back :) My Google reader hasn'...Good to see you back :) My Google reader hasn't been the same in your absence.<br /><br />(Also, sympathies regarding the rapists/cheaters/other assholes. Here's hoping something gets done about them, whatever that ends up being. *Hugs if they're welcome*)Eddy Northwindhttps://thefeministgadfly.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-12754407178175914792012-08-06T16:57:55.122-04:002012-08-06T16:57:55.122-04:00Hi, popping in to reply/clarify stuff. I'm a c...Hi, popping in to reply/clarify stuff. I'm a cis girl, and most of my interactions with the community were on Fetlife (I deleted my account after too many creepy doms offered to meet up with me despite me saying very clearly in my profile that I was <i>not interested</i>), because I wanted to see how people were online before meeting anyone IRL (real life is "scarier" to me).<br /><br />As for Not Me's stuff: yeah, that was really condescending. I think I know better than you about why people ask bi women for threesomes, and it's not simply because they're trying to strain out the poly ones from the monogamous ones. It's a combination of a lot of stereotypes about bisexual people (all bi people are poly, all bi people are cheaters, all bi people are sex fiends) that end up going into this horrific, harassing slurry. As for the other stuff: if I say I'm a switch, treat me like a switch, not a sub who has delusions of dominance. If I say I am absolutely not interested in a relationship whatsoever, don't contact me and tell me that you're totally willing to be my trainer and make me your pet.<br /><br />I'm sure that kinky spaces are very cool for a lot of people, but for someone who's already at risk for being assaulted/taken advantage of/harassed because I'm female, college-aged, not physically intimidating, and not terribly good at physically keeping people off or telling people 'no', I avoid them right now because I don't want to be harassed.<br /><br />Are kinky spaces (IRL or online) safer when you're older or more experienced? Because that was the impression I got. Like, if you're using it only as a way to talk to people, are you going to do better than someone who goes there signaling "I have no idea what I'm doing", thus making it easier to take advantage of them?Bored Bloggernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-55458321179986745382012-08-06T15:57:35.998-04:002012-08-06T15:57:35.998-04:00I'm perfectly happy answering any questions yo...I'm perfectly happy answering any questions you may have!<br /><br />I was (and am) open to it but it the circumstances never came up for me. Didn't encounter anyone that made me want to explore them on a more intimate level, physically and/or emotionally.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04441821385759323424noreply@blogger.com