tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post5930271303153442697..comments2024-02-23T03:38:53.049-05:00Comments on The Pervocracy: This is what negotiation looks like.Cliff Pervocracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comBlogger39125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-56440542130492106392012-08-31T00:14:41.018-04:002012-08-31T00:14:41.018-04:00That's what far too many people do, and it wre...That's what far too many people do, and it wrecks not just relationships, but friendships, because, really? who wants to hear that all the time. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-45059427132054924482012-03-27T23:47:49.604-04:002012-03-27T23:47:49.604-04:00God, I love you for making a Dune reference.God, I love you for making a Dune reference.Poxynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-29073180059928618982012-01-04T19:40:22.546-05:002012-01-04T19:40:22.546-05:00Thanks for this post, Holly!
I wonder if this tal...Thanks for this post, Holly!<br /><br />I wonder if this talk you and Rowdy had had been scheduled or if it happened spontaneously.<br /><br />Happy New Year :)Leídahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09797596241985637548noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-32298700788487039522012-01-04T14:49:01.843-05:002012-01-04T14:49:01.843-05:00Anon@3:40 -- I realized only recently that a whole...Anon@3:40 -- I realized only recently that a whole lot of people think masturbation is for kids and assume that grown-ups don't do it, or if they do it's somehow sad and pathetic. I had always assumed that people who were anti-masturbation had picked up the attitude that it was dirty, full stop, from religious or pseudo-religious teaching, but no, it's way more complex than that. I ran into this notion in a biography of George Orwell, of all people (who rather than masturbating would go out and pick up women for quickies, which was apparently quite easy if you knew where to go -- though from the description of how little he actually communicated with them it sounded to me as though he might very well have been raping some of them).<br /><br />IreneAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-47069352576500783902012-01-03T20:42:05.076-05:002012-01-03T20:42:05.076-05:00Oh Holly. Don't you know cis people don't...Oh Holly. Don't you know cis people don't have to defend their gender because it's TRUE? <br /><br />As for 'what is X behavior,' whatever you feel it is. I feel like a man when I wear jeans and plaid and stripes, but my husband feels like a man when he wears ballet heels and fishnets. It is what you make of it.<br /><br />--RoganLBThttp://healthymultiplicity.com/loonybrainnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-20959555509919374332012-01-03T16:58:18.823-05:002012-01-03T16:58:18.823-05:00@ Anon 1:21; The way I look at it, "being a b...@ Anon 1:21; The way I look at it, "being a boy" is about doing the things that make you feel like a boy. For example, for me baking is "being a boy," because I'm a genderfluid boy who likes baking. :-)<br /><br />@ Holly; "Gender roles apply BIGTIME to "straight" (I think you mean "cis," i.e., living as the gender assigned at birth) people, but they get talked about less because they aren't questioned as much. The reason cis men don't defend their male identity is because they don't have to, not because they're totally chill and don't want to make trouble. How do I act like a boy? Dunno. How do cis boys act like boys? And isn't it kind of transphobic that you're asking me and not them?" THAT. Thank you.Lanehttp://lanewilliam.tumblr.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-15428993919663460402012-01-03T15:40:59.298-05:002012-01-03T15:40:59.298-05:00I WISH for one of these, with a whole new heap o&#...I WISH for one of these, with a whole new heap o' issues clouding my new year....a man who has decided to stop masturbating, because "it's foolish" at his age, who is "shelving" his horny, who had ideas around communicating with a third that I wasn't fully aware of, a libido that can't overcome all of this on its own, distance/time constraints, and a general uncertainty about what and how to start the work.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-63666387695429027722012-01-03T15:05:53.846-05:002012-01-03T15:05:53.846-05:00Myself, my husband and his girlfriend all had a bi...Myself, my husband and his girlfriend all had a big one of these on Monday... His parents were there being really helpful rephrasing and clarifying all what was said. I am so grateful to have such supportive in-Laws. Both he and I have things to work on, but after several hours, we got to the bottom of several vicious circles that were causing issues e.g. (He finds a lack of self respect unattractive and thus pays less attention to me which in turn causes me to lose self respect etc.). We will all meet in a month for a "check up"Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-12636676771769494352012-01-03T14:30:04.998-05:002012-01-03T14:30:04.998-05:00Anon 1:21 - To be honest, it's a complicated s...Anon 1:21 - To be honest, it's a complicated subject, and I don't want to say "X is a boy behavior"; but X does feel like a boy behavior to me.<br /><br />Also sometimes X is enjoying having a dick, and although women certainly can, that doesn't seem 100% genderless to me.<br /><br />But mostly, comments like yours annoy me because of this part:<br /><i> If gender roles don't have to apply to straight people, why do they seem to apply more to not so straight people?</i><br />Gender roles apply BIGTIME to "straight" (I think you mean "cis," i.e., living as the gender assigned at birth) people, but they get talked about less because they aren't questioned as much. The reason cis men don't defend their male identity is because <i>they don't have to</i>, not because they're totally chill and don't want to make trouble.<br /><br />How do I act like a boy? Dunno. How do cis boys act like boys? And isn't it kind of transphobic that you're asking me and not them?Cliff Pervocracyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-28590815798651108412012-01-03T14:06:53.408-05:002012-01-03T14:06:53.408-05:00Gender stereotypes can be sexy in a lot of differe...Gender stereotypes can be sexy in a lot of different ways. There's no reason not to use that, as long as you don't hem other people in to stereotypes that are inappropriate or painful to them. I get a bit of a kick out of having a "boyish" haircut, even though I know perfectly well that it's also a bog-standard middle-aged-cis-het-white-lady haircut.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-64907452077333148672012-01-03T13:21:11.809-05:002012-01-03T13:21:11.809-05:00I don't get all these gender behavior rules. H...I don't get all these gender behavior rules. How does one behave more like a "boy"? I mean I like really aggressive music on the most part. I like to lift weights but there's plenty of straight women that can say both things. I'm really into fashion too and that's not considered "boyish". I can be really shy but I can be aggressive during sex. I don't think of myself particularly fem but Joe Six Pack types will tell me I ain't that manly at times. If gender roles don't have to apply to straight people, why do they seem to apply more to not so straight people? I mean I see more specific ideas of what a specific gender should be among lgbt community than the straight community often.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-68411691299903910662012-01-03T09:14:38.322-05:002012-01-03T09:14:38.322-05:00Yes, I was thinking of "Owen" and lookin...Yes, I was thinking of "Owen" and looking at "Jack". Eyes: 1; brain: 0.Wormy Apricothttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03705299044278342742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-66820126994537971022012-01-03T05:12:33.195-05:002012-01-03T05:12:33.195-05:00@Wormy -- I think you meant Owen. It goes comment...@Wormy -- I think you meant Owen. It goes comment owner, comment, date, comment owner, comment, date, etc. :)Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-45076003316951242972012-01-02T23:03:52.447-05:002012-01-02T23:03:52.447-05:00Jack -- nah, I didn't feel that Holly did most...Jack -- nah, I didn't feel that Holly did most of the compromising. <br /><br />I emphasize with the feelings driving most of those points. I think and we talk about smaller versions of those on a regular basis. It's the desire to keep the spark going on both of our parts.<br /><br />Our situation is different; he's a bit older, divorced with kids and shared custody, so the time we get to spend with each other is automatically limited by that, which we both think is good thing for the relationship overall. We're both totally allowed to fuck other people and would love to talk about them and the fucking with each other, etc. but are both antisocial and limited for time, and also each click with very few people.<br /><br />On conversations like these, starting with and remembering that you love/lust for each other throughout the conversation is something you need to have it go well. It seems that a necessary prerequisite for it to work is for both of you to sincerely want to further optimize the time you spend together while being aware of your own faults and willing to work on yourself.<br /><br />Thinking like a computer geek that I am, it's maximizing how positively you each feel over the time you spend together, right? <br /><br />* One of the inputs is activities you engage in<br />* Another is communication between you and your partner in terms of how honest and aware each of you are about how you are feeling, and how what your partner is doing makes you feel, and what you'd like to be different, and verbalizing all of that<br />* Another input is how aware of what your partner is feeling you are and how willing to do things differently to improve that. Generally a function of how much of a shit you give about them.<br />* Another is how much time you spend together. <br /><br />So you try to optimize for all. Whew. Did I miss any? :)Wormy Apricothttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03705299044278342742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-85781657236901894212012-01-02T22:29:29.683-05:002012-01-02T22:29:29.683-05:00I've had a similar experience of late -- I'...I've had a similar experience of late -- I've had a series of conversations, rather than one big one, with my partners (one long-term, one new)...<br /><br />#1 -- With both my partners. And they get along pretty well, yay.<br /><br />#2&3 -- My wife and I have been having those talks a lot recently, and so far the communication is good. My girlfriend/submissive and I have had then on an ongoing basis since we began our journey together, so it was inherent in our relationship (not that it wasn't with my wife, it just has come up more often with her recently -- we've been together long enough to be pretty set in our routines, for good or for bad).<br /><br />#4 -- A version of that came up recently; my wife wanted to make sure that she'd get equal play time at an upcoming play party and that I wouldn't be 100% focused on the 'new' fucktoy. :) We've gotten better over the years about talking about who 'should' initiate and what it means (or doesn't) if one of us sets up a date, or play activity, or whatever. #6 and #7 came up with her, too.<br /><br />#8 is ongoing with my new partner, as we're still... building the patterns of our desired interactions, as a friend of mine put it. :)<br /><br />(#5 doesn't apply to any of the three of us in my current poly V)<br /><br />But without good communication, none of it will work. Add in bdsm, open sexual and/or poly relationships, or other elements that can be more complicated than a 'simple' (hah!) traditional monogamous relationship, and good communication becomes even more crucial. So whatever form your good communication takes -- conversations, notes, emails, phone calls, semaphore -- kudos to you, Holly.Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-54518890687949868592012-01-02T21:38:45.903-05:002012-01-02T21:38:45.903-05:00Is it just me? Or was most of the compromising in ...Is it just me? Or was most of the compromising in that negotiation, Holly's?Owenhttp://www.oneiowa.org/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-55668088129588765592012-01-02T14:24:43.126-05:002012-01-02T14:24:43.126-05:00"Muad'Dib learned rapidly because his fir..."Muad'Dib learned rapidly because his first training was in how to learn. And the first lesson of all was the basic trust that he could learn. It's shocking to find how many people do not believe they can learn, and how many more believe learning to be difficult. Muad'Dib knew that every experience carries its lesson." from The Humanity of Muad'Dib by the Princess Irulanrichgoldstein13https://www.blogger.com/profile/13024589882600654072noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-33551021753348358152012-01-02T03:44:27.760-05:002012-01-02T03:44:27.760-05:00Thank you, Holly. This post really resonated with ...Thank you, Holly. This post really resonated with me, as did your recent post of yours on the subject of wanting. I'm determined to have a conversation along these lines with my own partner, and soon! Thank you so much for the inspiration.Brittanyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08712524738715483771noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-5426171190448075742012-01-02T00:40:46.733-05:002012-01-02T00:40:46.733-05:00"I'm still 'officially' a woman a..."I'm still 'officially' a woman and don't plan to change that, but I want to start expressing myself more as a boy." <br /><br />Bravo. And best of luck to you with that.<br />And major kudos to him for being supportive of you. As long as you are yourself and are happy with it and have support from your loved ones, I don't think anyone else should matter or make you feel ashamed of it.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10663134632448670751noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-32063712750595399832012-01-01T22:55:14.499-05:002012-01-01T22:55:14.499-05:00We keep talking it out - but I think we need to mo...We keep talking it out - but I think we need to move to a written list model. I think that seeing it in print is helpful with expectations and agreeing on what it is that was said.Kimberlyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01176810162712078204noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-3759832146963449902012-01-01T21:40:53.824-05:002012-01-01T21:40:53.824-05:00What I love about this is that it's all so rea...What I love about this is that it's all so reasonable. Like, it is totally cool for y'all to make demands on each other and explicitly talk about what those demands are as you grow as people. Good times!M Dubzhttp://www.fromthelandwithlove.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-45147122670579623992012-01-01T21:03:07.356-05:002012-01-01T21:03:07.356-05:00It's really validating to hear about other cou...It's really validating to hear about other couples' difficulties and to see their process. This is inspiring - thank you so much for sharing.The Redheaded Sluthttp://theredheadedslut.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-11944481973527145762012-01-01T20:36:02.209-05:002012-01-01T20:36:02.209-05:00Love this - thanks for letting us into the process...Love this - thanks for letting us into the process a little. :D<br /><br />-KatieAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-51202984728561843232012-01-01T20:26:46.895-05:002012-01-01T20:26:46.895-05:00People frequently ask Arnold Schwarzenegger why he...People frequently ask Arnold Schwarzenegger why he's so buff, he once told a journalist, but when they hear why, they go away disappointed.<br /><br />People who ask me how I've stayed married for 20 years often go away with the same reaction. "What? You work hard at it??"<br /><br />Relationship maintenance is work, there's no doubt about it. It's not sexyfuntimes. But without maintenance things usually break down, sometimes catastrophically. Yay on Holly and Rowdy!MaryKayenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-3225519018555047042012-01-01T19:06:53.968-05:002012-01-01T19:06:53.968-05:00mopeyface is not a good method of communication. t...mopeyface is not a good method of communication. this is, and i wish more people could do it this way. *cheers*.charthemagicdragonnoreply@blogger.com