tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post6926036092227243632..comments2024-03-22T05:55:48.117-04:00Comments on The Pervocracy: Best Friend Rape Prevention.Cliff Pervocracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comBlogger48125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-56002039648729983592013-02-12T13:50:56.514-05:002013-02-12T13:50:56.514-05:00My “first date”. Remember?
I wouldn’t go in his c...My “first date”. Remember?<br />I wouldn’t go in his car.<br />I made him sit in the student lounge.<br />I point-blank told him I wasn’t interested because I was a lesbian.<br />I wouldn’t introduce him to my friends. I told him they deserved better. There are times when you feel decisions turning inside of you, like a key turning inside a lock. Like the words I was about to say had been written down somewhere at the beginning of time, waiting to for events to unfold, and I was an actress. Ready to say them. I already knew how this script would end.<br />And I left. I walked away.<br />I was shaking. I felt like I was floating, like the ground underneath me wasn’t solid enough.<br />And then I turned a corner and one of my friends was there.<br />We went to an event together and had a really good time. She validated my decision and I came away feeling good about myself and about my actions.<br />I hope that my story is able to help other people who may have trouble setting boundaries; please know that you’re not alone.<br />Morgainenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-5233397478627071952012-09-27T16:41:03.135-04:002012-09-27T16:41:03.135-04:00I think the ONLY prevention to friend rape is to l...I think the ONLY prevention to friend rape is to listen to your gut feelings. Not that I blame myself (anymore), but I did have a very bad feeling about hanging out with the "friend" who tricked me so he could rape me. But I didn't want to offend him. Like the bad guy said in "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo," The fear of offending is stronger than the fear of pain. <br /><br />At least for me, that is what I have to change.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-87149329479832813172010-07-30T19:53:26.785-04:002010-07-30T19:53:26.785-04:00@sarah, @perversecowgirl
I find it interesting th...@sarah, @perversecowgirl<br /><br />I find it interesting that one of the few sex talks I got from my mother involved some variation of, "_You_ need to make sure you're using a condom, because the girl is going to be emotional and not think clearly."<br /><br />(I'm male.)lxrnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-25454097030460025182010-07-05T10:55:31.911-04:002010-07-05T10:55:31.911-04:00Your defense against your friends is your willingn...Your defense against your friends is your willingness and ability to put aside the concept of your friendship that you've built up over time (maybe years?) when your friend does things that aren't friendly. I really think this, much more than physical proximity or even inebriation, is what makes acquaintance rape so common--everyone knows in general terms what it takes to prevent it, but as you admitted in your post, almost no one is ready to do it on a moment's notice.<br /><br />Even if your friend is able to keep from showing any signs prior to "The Rape," there should still be defensive value in having him completely convinced that you will treat him like any other rapist when you do get free of him, NOT like a friend who made a mistake. But again, that's easy to say and hard to do.<br /><br />You have to be able to put aside the fact that, at least it seems to me, a lot of acquaintance rape is as fuzzily-defined in the perpetrator's mind as it is in everyone else's. The perpetrator often genuinely believes that he has done nothing evil, just "gone a little too far" or "misread the situation." He may really believe this, he may even have some justification in believing this, but it's the fact that he expects the victim to go along with that kind of euphemism *and so many do* that gives him protection and excuse.<br /><br />On the subject of what you can do once the rape starts, you're right about weapons. Objects are not talismans and they won't save you unless you use them to save yourself.<br />If you studied wrestling, Judo, Brazilian jiu-jitsu or Sambo, you could learn to be very hard to control physically. It's not that you could take guard and triangle him unconscious (well, you might at that) but that you would learn about staying off your back, shrimping, hip escapes, sitting out, and lots of reversals from the bottom like upas and elevators and flowers that would give you the ability to escape. The only real weakness this training has is that if you train for the sports, you don't get much work on standup fighting or weapons--you can easily get shanked while you're moving your hips out to escape the man on top. But that's not as significant against your best friend who thinks he got some kind of signal. Even if all you do is escape, make sex impossible for a minute or two, and keep saying "No," that still stands a good chance of working on your best friend.<br /><br />But your question reminded me of a BJJ conversation. BJJ has at least a dozen taught methods for escaping the triangle choke. There are slams, there are ways to sweep the opponent's leg off your neck, there are twists to the hook-leg side--it's as technical and addictive as it sounds. But if you ask any decent teacher the best way to escape the triangle, he'll tell you that those methods are last-ditch attempts. They don't really work reliably and when they do, you're often doing exactly what your opponent expected and flowing right into his next submission. The real method is to keep your posture, don't leave your arm in, don't try to pass guard without both arms outside the legs . . . in short, the only escape that works reliably is not to give up the triangle. The fancy stuff is what you use when you've already fucked up and it's too late to do it right.Donhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15824445546892392815noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-22402223199128922772010-07-03T12:26:41.669-04:002010-07-03T12:26:41.669-04:00Women need to understand men don't think logic...<i>Women need to understand men don't think logically when they are aroused</i><br /><br />Neither do women (or maybe it's just me?). But even someone who's a little addled will be able to remember the important stuff. For instance, no matter how aroused I am, I will never <i>ever</i> not use a condom; I pounded this habit into my head when I was "sober" and in my right mind and the habit continues even when my brain is all kerflooey. Likewise, I'm sure you couldn't convince a guy that he could fly and get him to jump out a tenth-story window, even if he was <i>really, really turned on</i>; he knows deep down that if he jumps out a window he'll splatter on the ground, and this knowledge stays fixed even though he's "not thinking logically".<br /><br />Society needs to convince men that infringing on a woman's personal space without express, enthusiastic consent is BAD, just like splattering your entrails all over the sidewalk in a failed attempt to fly would be bad. The fact that it's bad and wrong needs to be pounded in bone-deep so guys never forget it.<br /><br />I wonder...if being turned on is (apparently) an excuse for a man to sexually assault or rape a woman, could it also be a valid excuse for other crimes? "Sorry, Officer, I only held up that bank because I was horny and not thinking clearly" "Whoops! I watched some porn and then went and killed my neighbour with a hammer. I hate when that happens."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-63275179007193183592010-06-28T14:02:12.429-04:002010-06-28T14:02:12.429-04:00Has anyone here seen the new campaign launched in ...Has anyone here seen the new campaign launched in Scotland?<br /><br />http://www.notever.co.uk/<br /><br />One of the comments in the Have Your Say section is shocking: "Women need to understand men don't think logically when they are aroused, and its the way they dress and act that arouses men.” -James, Male<br /><br />I can't decide which gender he's insulting the most :)<br /><br />Anyway, the campaign is in response to attitudes like the above.Sarahnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-19263312612527541802010-06-28T11:42:51.098-04:002010-06-28T11:42:51.098-04:00To those who are teaching their kids to be adamant...<i>To those who are teaching their kids to be adamant about their boundries: good, as far as it goes. Teaching kids to look for grooming behavior would be a good idea, too! </i><br /><br />Isn't it the same thing?<br /><br />From what I've read about the typical acquaintance rape (the kind that happens at a college party, anyway), the rapist "tests" various women to figure out who would make a good target. <br /><br />For instance: he might keep pushing to get a woman a drink, even after she's said no; if she finally says "OKAY FINE" and accepts the drink, she's shown that she can be talked out of her initial "no." Or a guy might act inappropriately intimate with a woman - standing uncomfortably close, for instance - and if she politely ignores it instead of saying something or moving away, he knows she's probably a pretty good target.<br /><br />These "grooming" behaviours all constitute <i>infringing on someone's boundaries</i>. As I believe I said upthread, a woman who says "Dude, take your arm off me. We don't know each other that well" or "I said I didn't want another drink. What part of 'no' is giving you the trouble?" is much less likely to be acquaintance raped (in the "party" scenario, anyway) than the woman who goes along with everything because she doesn't want to look like a bitch/make a scene/etc.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-78404598987789951732010-06-27T08:41:20.876-04:002010-06-27T08:41:20.876-04:00Strings - Yes, there should be more "blame&qu...Strings - <i>Yes, there should be more "blame" placed on men. While not every man is a "potential perp", there are a LOT of ways "non-perps" condone and encourage the offenders.</i><br /><br />Wrong and counterproductive. Blame should accrue to two sets:<br />perps, comprising a small minority of men and a far smaller minority of women;<br />and persons who condone or encourage perps either knowingly or in ways they obviously should have known, comprising some men and some women.<br /><br />Neither set includes all men. If you act like it does, you are yourself condoning and encouraging bad actors; because then they're just being men. They aren't. They are being less than men.<br /><br />If I had reason to suspect a guy would keep silent if he heard a date-rapist brag; if he would say "bros before hos" or "she was asking for it", he wouldn't be my friend, and if he actually said something like that, he'd be called on it. And I think the same is true of all my male friends. I've met some guys who I suspect without evidence would stay silent; they aren't my friends exactly because of that creepy vibe.<br /><br />Education on things like saying "she was asking for it" should go to everybody, definitely including women. Blame should be reserved to those that deserve it. If your educational material comes across as blaming all men, it is condoning and encouraging.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-2090233078044498272010-06-27T02:25:24.689-04:002010-06-27T02:25:24.689-04:00*sigh*
Maybe I should just make this a post at my...*sigh*<br /><br />Maybe I should just make this a post at my place...<br /><br />Yes, there should be more "blame" placed on men. While not every man is a "potential perp", there are a LOT of ways "non-perps" condone and encourage the offenders. If we could somehow train those behaviors out of society, we'd be golden. Unfortunately...<br /><br />And I hate to break this to everyone, but in the cases of "accquaintance rape", the person STARTED OUT AS A STRANGER. If you research the behavior patterns on such offenders, I'm willing to bet you'd find that they follow the same basic "grooming" techniques that a pedophile uses on victims. Case in point:<br /><br />I have a friend, who's daughter was ALWAYS taught to take care of herself. Martial arts, assertiveness training, weapons: you name it, kids was hell on wheels. She still ended up victimized, by someone who managed to smooth talk their way in, and convince her to go along with things.<br /><br />Unless it's someone you truly trust enough to actually be intimate with (forget attraction here: do you trust them enough to be intimate?), always have a certain amount of suspicion. Or, to quote Murphy's Rules of Combat:<br /><br />"Be civil. Be polite. Have a plan to kill everyone you meet."<br /><br />And yes Holly: that means I had formulated a plan within about 15 seconds of us meeting when you were on the road: I NEVER take chances. ;)<br /><br />To those who are teaching their kids to be adamant about their boundries: good, as far as it goes. Teaching kids to look for grooming behavior would be a good idea, too!Stringshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17399293868413376397noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-61422286111091980762010-06-26T13:45:26.253-04:002010-06-26T13:45:26.253-04:00There's one thing I've gotta say in favor ...There's one thing I've gotta say in favor of "politeness" training. When a friend of mine was in early elementary school, a popular game in his class was "run away from the girl with the artificial arm"; boys and girls both. Those kids badly needed better politeness training. It should be possible to train to avoid both kinds of problems, both "being nice when faced with inappropriate behavior" and "emotionally mistreating people because of their looks".Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-34270972494242923882010-06-26T11:32:40.949-04:002010-06-26T11:32:40.949-04:00Anonymous 3:14, teachers would also be a good bet ...Anonymous 3:14, teachers would also be a good bet for "politeness training": it's been shown that they're generally far more quick to tell young girls to quiet down, sit nicely, etc., whereas young boys are allowed to be louder and make more of a ruckus.<br /><br />So maybe your parents screwed you up but your teachers undid it a little bit. :PAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-69821622371459286232010-06-25T15:14:49.517-04:002010-06-25T15:14:49.517-04:00When I was in college, I used to block any unexpec...When I was in college, I used to block any unexpected attempt to touch me like I was Clouseau expecting an attack from Kato. It seemed cool at the time. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have been regarded as cool if a woman did it.<br /><br />As a small boy, I was taught to be nice to people just as much as my sisters were. So I'm wondering if the 'be nice even when faced with inappropriate behavior' training might have a different source than early training by parents? Maybe more a school-age social pressure?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-85825480225679077082010-06-25T13:02:56.060-04:002010-06-25T13:02:56.060-04:00me >>>> If he's your best friend, ...me >>>> <i>If he's your best friend, shoot him and get better friends; the world will be a better place for it.</i><br /><br />aehbel >>>> <i>Great in theory, but if most people actually operated like that, this wouldn't be such a big issue.</i><br /><br />That's kind of the point. The world as it is, is bad; something, or more likely several somethings, must change to improve it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-37362943560620755772010-06-25T12:24:59.487-04:002010-06-25T12:24:59.487-04:00I was at a party once, thrown by a woman who is a ...I was at a party once, thrown by a woman who is a close friend, where she got her boob grabbed briefly by a drunk acquaintance; I was not in the room at the time. I heard about it a bit later that evening; she dissuaded me from beating him up, and to make sure she didn't tell me who it was. I kept an eye on every man near her the rest of the night, and generally kept an eye out at future parties with that crowd. Had I known who it was, I never would have given him the time of day; nor would I have tolerated anyone who tried to hang out with him. (Decades later I found out it was a guy I never saw again anyway.)<br /><br />I think anoymous at 10:18 is missing the irony in the "Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work" when he/she says rape prevention should be geared towards men. The thing is, most men are not potential rapists the way most women are potential victims. Saying rape prevention should be geared towards men tends to be in a context that implies that most men are potential perps; they aren't. <br /><br />More rape prevention tips and literature definitely should be geared towards men in roles other than potential perp, but there should be a lot of serious thought and talk about what those roles should be. Ask a cop about what typically happens if he, or some bystander, intervenes even verbally in a sexual assault being committed by a boyfriend; hint, it doesn't encourage them to ever intervene again.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-82027691635489383312010-06-25T10:58:26.857-04:002010-06-25T10:58:26.857-04:00But some [rape prevention tips] really are "d...<i>But some [rape prevention tips] really are "don't take no risks now little lady," as with the ones that basically forbid women from going outside alone after dark.</i><br /><br />My mom is super, super paranoid about the archetypal rapist-in-the-bushes, and to this day I get nervous being out after dark - even though I've done it many times (sometimes even waiting for the bus alone after a night of clubbing, wearing sexy things) and no man has ever jumped in front of me with a knife screaming "GRRRR I'M GONNA RAPE YOU!"<br /><br />My mom is also (like Kaija's parents) focused on avoiding social awkwardness over everything else in the <i>whole fucking world</i>, so while she trained young Cowgirl to be terrified of darkness and solitude, she simultaneously taught her that I have to smile and interact with every idiot who wants to talk to me, ever. It's...not a very good combo.<br /><br />Only a few years ago (in my mid-thirties) did I start being able to get up and move to a different subway seat when a creepy guy sat next to me, <i>even though doing so might hurt his feelings</i>. <br /><br />I hate that my mom did this to me. And I hate that when I've tried to discuss all this with her, she's always burst into tears and screamed "I did the best I could!" and won't seriously acknowledge the bizarre mixed messages she fed me.<br /><br />I'm not planning on having kids, but if I did, I hope to hell I could teach them to defend their boundaries and not give a shit what other people think - not just by telling them it's okay, but by <i>demonstrating</i> it: by telling the crazy homeless guy "I don't want to talk to you. Go away." or loudly confronting the guy on the subway who touched my ass.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-79881524677307950262010-06-25T09:12:37.986-04:002010-06-25T09:12:37.986-04:00I like that Fugitivus post. Fugitivus tends to sk...I like that Fugitivus post. Fugitivus tends to skew a little more radical-feminist than I do, but in a way that I can very much understand and respect.<br /><br />June Clever - It depends what the specific precautions are. A lot of tips like "don't hitchhike with strangers" are things I do anyway, more out of fear of robbery or general sketchiness than rape.<br /><br />But some really are "don't take no risks now little lady," as with the ones that basically forbid women from going outside alone after dark. That is not a reasonable precaution; that's condescending and paranoid, and seriously impairs my freedom of movement and self-sufficiency.<br /><br />Also, over-focusing on the dangers in the bushes can create the effect where the dangers at home and within social circles are relatively minimized. I might mind the lists of "don't walk too close to van doors, a rapist might pop out!" less if they even included "if a date doesn't take 'no' for an answer on little things, he might not take it on big things!"Cliff Pervocracyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-75265959528120127392010-06-25T03:31:31.592-04:002010-06-25T03:31:31.592-04:00"to make it happen, parents would have to und..."to make it happen, parents would have to undergo a massive change in attitude and start training their little girls to trust their instincts and respect their boundaries right from birth."<br /><br />As the mother of two younger girls (and a boy) We've been working on this with our kids. For example, we've been having age appropriate discussions about "private parts" not only including genitals but also explaining that a "private part" is any part of your body that you don't want someone to touch. We've never forced our kids to give hugs or kisses to anyone they don't want to hug or kiss and we let them choose how much physical contact they have with someone they don't know well (assuming it's someone we do know well enough to let the kids hug them, should they choose). We've also explained that, even if someone is a friend, it's still ok to tell them "NO, Hands off" if they don't want to be touched (and that there are places that no one should be touching). I don't want any of my kids growing up thinking it's impolite to tell someone they are not allowed to touch them. I want them to understand that a person's body is their's to decide who touches it and when. The way we've gone about teaching this (ie. pointing out that it's ok to say no to a friend touching and it's ok to be rude if someone isn't taking "NO" for an answer) may not win us any brownie points with the PTA moms but I don't really give a shit. I'd rather piss off the mini-van crowd than find out one of my kids was molested or raped because I didn't give them the skills to protect themselves to whatever extent they were able. <br /><br />"ARGH. I *spit* on the idea that women should be the ones who are tasked with rape prevention."<br /><br />I agree that we shouldn't be the ONLY ones tasked with rape prevention but, IMO, it's my vagina (or mouth or hand or whatever body part) and if I don't want someone touching it I will do everything in my power to stop it from happening. Absolutely men....no, wait, let me rephrase that...Absolutely, people (since women can, and do, rape and molest as well) should be taught that you respect someone's body, and "No means no" and you don't go around touching people who don't want you touching them. Unfortunately, while 90% of the population may know and respect that, there are people who will continue to rape and molest until stopped. That's when I want my kids to be able to say "NO" and protect themselves as much as possibly by either physically protecting themselves or by not putting themselves in situations that have a higher chance of something bad hapening. Is it right that they have to do that? Hell no. They shouldn't have to worry that someone may rape or molest them but, sadly, we don't live in a Utopia and some times people do bad things. <br /><br />I look at following the "rape prevention tips" the same way I look at locking my doors or not leaving my keys in my car. In theory I should be able to leave my doors unlocked and leave my keys in my car because stealing, or breaking and entering, are illegal and really shitty things to do. But, people still do them and while locking my doors and removing my keys isn't going to make me 100% safe, it gives me an extra measure of safety, however small. While people shouldn't rape other people and a woman shouldn't have to censor her activities, it's a sad fact of life that there are douchebags out there who will take advantage of certain situations. When a woman goes into those situations knowing it has a higher risk, she may be slightly more prepared and possibly be able to protect herself. She shouldn't have to but it never hurts to be prepared.June Clevernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-24140338843751456772010-06-25T00:03:16.121-04:002010-06-25T00:03:16.121-04:00did you know perversecowgirl, that I just spent fu...did you know perversecowgirl, that I just spent fucking *hours* searching and I finally just found it!? (I realized it was probably a fugitivus post from before I started reading her regularly and then I couldn't figure out how to search the site for it, so I just kept clicking "older posts" to look chronologically and then getting sucked into various posts that I liked, oy)<br /><br />And then I realize that if I'd just checked back earlier, you would have put it up! AGH.<br /><br />AKA: Yep! that's the one!TheDeviantEhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11962230588950968738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-10751287391960029152010-06-24T23:20:41.825-04:002010-06-24T23:20:41.825-04:00If he's your best friend, shoot him and get be...<i>If he's your best friend, shoot him and get better friends; the world will be a better place for it. </i><br /><br />Great in theory, but if most people actually operated like that, this wouldn't be such a big issue.<br /><br />It's hard to physically defend yourself against people you care about. It's hard to be <i>wrong</i> about people you care about, and in situations where it's not a direct 'take your clothes off or I'll kill you', it's easy to second-guess. Hey, maybe I was leading him on. Well, it won't be that bad just this once. He doesn't know his own strength. He doesn't mean to hurt me. <i>I don't want to hurt his feelings</i>, let alone physically injure him.<br /><br />Why do you think so many abused women stay with their abusers? Yeah, in some cases it's pure, logical fear that he'll kill her if she leaves, but a lot of the time, that really isn't the biggest part of it.aebhelnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-88403004808594518162010-06-24T22:18:44.792-04:002010-06-24T22:18:44.792-04:00Good post. I think rape prevention should be geare...Good post. I think rape prevention should be geared toward men. I'd like to see more written and spoken on the topic of what men can do to prevent rape, how they can educate each other, etc. <br /><br />Sexual Assault Tips Guaranteed to Work:<br />http://www.amptoons.com/blog/archives/2009/09/15/sexual-assault-prevention-tips-guaranteed-to-work/Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-40092971414948020492010-06-24T21:49:51.477-04:002010-06-24T21:49:51.477-04:00The DeviantE: you might be talking about this post...The DeviantE: you might be talking about this post: http://fugitivus.wordpress.com/2009/06/26/another-post-about-rape-3/<br /><br />...And even if you're not, it's still awesome and everyone should read it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-67705510766949153452010-06-24T20:40:13.244-04:002010-06-24T20:40:13.244-04:00monique,
The men I assume were required to go to ...monique, <br />The men I assume were required to go to an equally long lecture/class about how not to be raping assholes where they covered "if you rape someone, we <b>WILL</b> kick you out of this here fine institution" and "don't think we're stupid enough to think you didn't know that it isn't ok to coerce women with alcohol". Right?<br />RIGHT???<br /><br />ARGH. I *spit* on the idea that women should be the ones who are tasked with rape prevention. <br /><br />Also, this thread is making me really wish I remembered the website of a great blog post from a while ago that talked about how society strongly censures women who talk back or get angry, up until the exact moment when a woman gets raped, and then the woman in question is blamed for not having spoken up or getting angry. Anyone know the post I'm talking about?TheDeviantEhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11962230588950968738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-59019691467214294862010-06-24T11:39:52.866-04:002010-06-24T11:39:52.866-04:00"Of course, this sort of female assertiveness..."Of course, this sort of female assertiveness goes against everything we've ever been taught about being nice and quiet and polite, so to make it happen, parents would have to undergo a massive change in attitude and start training their little girls to trust their instincts and respect their boundaries right from birth. No more "The nice man said hi to you, Janie. Don't you want to be nice and say it back??" - if Janie is wigged out by the guy and doesn't want to talk to him then don't fucking tell her to talk to him. Period."<br />Amen. I know I got a shitton of that socialization as a kid. I specifically remember being in the car with my parents and a large scary-looking man with facial hair, a dirty hat, and overalls (which looked very foreign to me as a small child) sticking his head in the car (he was a friend of my parents and a farmer) to say hello and me being scared and hiding my face/refusing to say "hello, nice to meet you" and getting IN TROUBLE from my parents afterwards for being "impolite" (they were mortified at my lack of manners)...I was SCARED of an unfamiliar big scary man who invaded the space of the car I was trapped in. My parents were good parents, but they totally dropped the ball on this one.<br /><br />"I don't know anyone who was raped by a stranger in a dark alley or an empty parking lot or any of the other so-dangerous places-to-avoid. I could, however, probably name six or seven women off the top of my head who were raped by their boyfriend, their prom date, their boyfriend's drunk friend, that skeevy guy at the party, or their own father."<br />Exactly. I can count several female friends who have been raped by someone they knew and/or trusted and witnessed the devastating effects of that experience. The list of rape prevention tactics were not at all helpful in these more realistic/probabilistic circumstances. Predators need to be called out, monitored, named as such, outed by their peers and the rape apology/victim blaming has to stop.Kaijanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-41806688815932453852010-06-23T22:04:09.965-04:002010-06-23T22:04:09.965-04:00aebhel >>>> I could, however, probably...aebhel >>>> <i>I could, however, probably name six or seven women off the top of my head who were raped by their boyfriend, their prom date, their boyfriend's drunk friend, that skeevy guy at the party, or their own father.</i><br /><br />More of that list is "date/acquaintance" than "best friend".<br /><br />Holly >>>> <i>-Carry mace or a stun gun [or, depending on the politics of the list-writer, a handgun]<br />I can't shoot my best friend! Maybe, maybe if he gets all "Grrr, I'm going to rape you now," I'll be able to mace or stun-gun him.</i><br /><br />Some people are willing to cut a little slack to a rapist who claims to think "no means yes". They should fix that ASAP. In the meantime, I don't think anyone is willing to cut any slack to a rapist who thinks "pointed weapon means yes". If he's advancing in the face of a weapon, his motives have been ultimately clarified. "I thought you liked this, why are you being so cruel to me?" is no longer plausible. If he's your best friend, shoot him and get better friends; the world will be a better place for it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-66773413091456091172010-06-23T18:00:38.722-04:002010-06-23T18:00:38.722-04:00Comment on anon a ways above:
As long as it wasn&...Comment on anon a ways above:<br /><br /><i>As long as it wasn't your spouse and no blatant motive (such as an insurance policy) a woman killing a man will get a pass.</i><br /><br />From what I've heard, this is sort of true, but also a selectively limited, gross exaggeration. In cases where someone was killed, and the killer claims self defense, and there's no real evidence one way or the other, it usually comes down to jury bias. Jury bias tends to favor the woman if the one who she killed was a man who wasn't her husband or lover. On the other hand, if it was her husband or lover, they tend to favor conviction and maximum penalty. This bias is also, oddly, reversed for men - if it was a woman, expect conviction, unless she was a wife or lover, then expect him to get off or a lighter sentence. (The latter may seem counter-intuitive, but apparently juries generally believe that a man who murders his wife/lover is far more likely to claim "not guilty" than "self-defense".)<br /><br />However, this is only true of a very specific type of killing (claimed self-defense), combined with a very specific circumstance (lack of evidence one way or the other) and only a tendency - not an absolute. Women do *not* get a pass for killing men in general.<br /><br /><i>Hell, women kill their children with depressing frequency in the US, and rarely get called to account.</i><br /><br />Also, women who kill their children only "get off" in the sense that they are usually judged "not guilty by reason of insanity". However, unless one can prove that the insanity was temporarily brought on by outside conditions which are not likely to recur, such a judgment usually results in the accused being committed to a mental ward rather than being released.Not Menoreply@blogger.com