tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post723503231126178021..comments2024-02-23T03:38:53.049-05:00Comments on The Pervocracy: The Sexcalator.Cliff Pervocracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comBlogger77125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-37129845177443319382014-05-09T17:14:55.707-04:002014-05-09T17:14:55.707-04:00I'm imagining, having never cooked potatoes be...I'm imagining, having never cooked potatoes before, someone telling me "you just do it!". So I put them on my head, or throw them at the wall, and never actually figure out how to cook them. Molly Renhttp://molly-ren.tumblr.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-30919134454509156352014-03-02T08:04:10.402-05:002014-03-02T08:04:10.402-05:00I've been on the other side of this lately - s...I've been on the other side of this lately - starting a new relationship with an amazing person, who's into some things that I haven't tried, and am happy to try, but suspect won't be my thing. For me, the fear wasn't "Will she expect me to do X even though I don't like it?"; it was "If I don't like X and as a result we don't do it together, will she be left feeling unfulfilled; and, ultimately, might it lead to the relationship not working out?" Which I realise is - I dunno, possibly a silly fear? Because it's not like a kink is the defining quality of a relationship for most people, and I know I'll be perfectly happy if she's not into some of the sexy things I am - but I couldn't help being worried about it nonetheless.<br /><br />And for my part, I'm with second anon: when I asked her about it, and she told me that she has a few (non-partner) kinky friends she plays with, it was a big relief, because now I know that it doesn't matter if I like her X or not - if I do, and it's something we can do together, then that's great; but if not, she's got other avenues for it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-57916474989759236412014-03-02T07:51:55.907-05:002014-03-02T07:51:55.907-05:00Bit late, but:
You're quite right, that is a s...Bit late, but:<br />You're quite right, that is a sexcalator idea. Stop thinking of it that way: it's not normal sex and super sex. Think of it as a dinner menu.<br /><br />I love macaroni cheese, it's probably my favourite food in the world, which makes it doubly irritating that I can never get the consistency right when I try to make it myself. But I'm at a restaurant which has duck a l'orange on the menu. I've never tried duck a l'orange before, but I'd really like to, I think it sounds delicious. But wait! If I try duck a l'orange and it turns out that I do love it, will I only ever be able to eat duck a l'orange in the future? Will I forever mourn the loss of macaroni cheese?<br /><br />No, I won't. Because duck a l'orange is expensive and macaroni cheese is easy, so sometimes I won't want to bother with duck a l'orange. Because eating duck a l'orange all the time would be boring, so I will often eat macaroni cheese and, shit, probably curry and fish and chips and all sorts, and I'll enjoy all of them. And because some days I'll fancy a bit of sophisticated duck a l'orange, and some days I'll fancy a bit of warm comfort food macaroni cheese, because that's the way enjoying things works: you don't have a hierarchy of things you enjoy, and you don't feel ripped off if you ever do something that's not at the top of the hierarchy.<br /><br />So the obvious answer isn't "Why would you ever want to have normal sex again?"; it's "Why would sometimes having and enjoying kinky sex mean that you wouldn't also want to sometimes have and enjoy non-kinky sex?"Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-41248205273001688172014-02-06T04:10:24.259-05:002014-02-06T04:10:24.259-05:00Maybe I'm just weird in this, but I would have...Maybe I'm just weird in this, but I would have thought that "you do X with your other partner" would lead to, "Thank goodness your X needs are met, because ick, and so you and _I_ can just do Y and Z." Of course, this assumes that the partner in question also has acknowledged Y and Z needs.<br /><br />I worry a lot more about what my partner has done with past partners when, for various reasons, we're physically unable to do those things together (acquired disability since that prior experience, for instance) and I'm uncomfortable with the gold standard or "normal", so . . . angst. In our fictional fantasy world (story-telling can be really sexy, I think, even if physical aspects are restricted) I pretty much encouraged my partner to have somebody for PIV needs, though actually dealing with such things in reality would be way more complex.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-71611052945434174082014-01-27T21:40:55.561-05:002014-01-27T21:40:55.561-05:00So true. So well said.
(I'm always sad to real...So true. So well said.<br />(I'm always sad to realize how internalized those thoughts and feelings are. Even when you're so different from the norm and quite like yourself that way, somehow it's still there. A little bit. The fear of being different. Of liking things too hard and too much. Because what will be there after? And how spoiled will you be? But then the moment passes, and there are articles like yours and everything is well and as should be. :D)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-40765191034515062412014-01-12T04:04:43.128-05:002014-01-12T04:04:43.128-05:00Completely and utterly off-topic: where's that...Completely and utterly off-topic: where's that photo from? That looks like the most beautifully designed escalator of all time.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-74378295240739644712013-11-07T22:28:38.257-05:002013-11-07T22:28:38.257-05:00Really sad admission: this idea is a large part of...Really sad admission: this idea is a large part of why I haven't tried any of the kinky stuff I know I'm into in real life. I'm afraid that I might find I like them too much to find 'normal sex' enjoyable any more.<br /><br />(To which, I suppose, the obvious response is: "If you really do find kinky sex that fun, why would you ever *want* to have 'normal sex' any more?" Which is a pretty good point I guess... I didn't say it was logical.)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-55517536972435122782013-11-04T08:26:56.132-05:002013-11-04T08:26:56.132-05:00Is it okay to be thinking about having sex on esca...Is it okay to be thinking about having sex on escalators now?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-51465419044616444122013-10-28T02:09:30.884-04:002013-10-28T02:09:30.884-04:00And what's the bet if you said you had sex eve...And what's the bet if you said you had sex every day, or several times a day, they'd think there was something wrong with that, too?elledehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18381089476776888330noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-3719049710008383232013-10-28T02:06:16.290-04:002013-10-28T02:06:16.290-04:00THIS, exactly. It's why I loathe the term &quo...THIS, exactly. It's why I loathe the term "vanilla". My pleasures are my pleasures, and I have no more time for the "oh, how <i>boring</i>, what a prude you must be" brigade than for anyone saying kink = sexual predator in the making, or all the rest of the stuff Cliff described. It sounds like massive insecurity on both sides, with people unable to enjoy what they enjoy unless everyone else does, and then getting all judgemental about those who don't. elledehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18381089476776888330noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-3601436727525293382013-10-24T17:36:15.914-04:002013-10-24T17:36:15.914-04:00Yes!Yes!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-25782895636531353942013-10-24T02:48:46.399-04:002013-10-24T02:48:46.399-04:00"Take some Claritin if you can't handle a..."Take some Claritin if you can't handle analogy."<br /><br />Stolen.<br /><br />"Freed from analogies and paradigms and fixed linear progression, sex can get amorphous. "<br /><br />"Squishy," even :D<br /><br />Azkyrothnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-8901415530375520652013-10-23T17:14:25.225-04:002013-10-23T17:14:25.225-04:00As someone who falls in the subset of people who i...As someone who falls in the subset of people who is just hardwired poly, I can't stand the more-evolved(or is it less and justified by primate sex?)-than-thous. (And to clarify, it's not that I am hardwired to be unsatisfied by a single partner, but that I get zero emotional payoff from keeping one all to myself... I just don't get it, but I accept that it's what some, maybe many, people want. It makes Romantic Comedies / Dramas... okay it makes a whole lot of movie plots look totally ridiculous.)<br /><br />I do see value in getting people to think about actively CHOOSING monogamy rather than defaulting to it. But I'm happy for my friends who've found what works for them, and I don't need to convert anyone to poly. (Please, save some heartache all around and don't do it just because you think you 'should'.)<br /><br />If you have a monogamous partner, you'll both be happier doing what you want to do. If you have a poly partner who is willing to compromise because you rock their world... then that is ALSO their freely-given choice. (Please run if they attempt to guilt-trip you into changing terms later, especially if you call that out and they think they're right. DTMFA that has nothing to do with poly.)<br /><br />Same goes to everyone who insists that all men like anal play and should just try it. I know plenty of (non-homophobic) men who don't, some of whom have tried it, all of whom I trust to self-report what they want and don't.Jamienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-19533409473422942222013-10-22T06:37:52.517-04:002013-10-22T06:37:52.517-04:00Hey original Anon, as to "you might say '...Hey original Anon, as to "you might say 'who cares if you're not even in a relationship'"... nah. Bless you for thinking these things through before getting into a relationship. <br /><br />I figured out my own limits (poly, but with certain limits... which is another thing that sometimes gets glossed over, that there are more ways than one to be poly) when I actually was in a relationship. I believed that having any limits to my poly-dom was a sign that I wasn't open-minded and cool and enlightened enough, and so convinced myself that I was okay with stuff that I was really not okay with (even though it wasn't intrinsically bad stuff, just not for me)... and so my eventual realization that nope, this is not for me, involved gobs and gobs of drama and hurt to multiple people. You are definitely picking the better approach.Neuritenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-9988574027271457192013-10-21T12:36:27.159-04:002013-10-21T12:36:27.159-04:00Oh thanks! Nice one :)Oh thanks! Nice one :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-19454623030207536552013-10-20T23:24:12.890-04:002013-10-20T23:24:12.890-04:00You might find this TED Talk by one of my high sch...You might find this TED Talk by one of my high school teachers/mentors really interesting. He's developed a new "model" of sex that actually promotes healthy sexuality and destroys all the things that are wrong with the baseball/escalator/etc models. It's 8:21 long. <br /><br />http://www.ted.com/talks/al_vernacchio_sex_needs_a_new_metaphor_here_s_one.htmlEricnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-38822635351995566362013-10-20T22:47:40.963-04:002013-10-20T22:47:40.963-04:00@Cliff -- Exactly so, and a very good point. (I...@Cliff -- Exactly so, and a very good point. (I'm a different Anon, by the way.) I was in a relationship once that started off mono, but the other party wanted to make it over into a poly relationship, and I didn't. I asked him if it was about sex, and he said it wasn't. So, I asked, why he couldn't just have very deep, intimate friendships that didn't involve sex? He'd had these relationships in the past, and I hadn't found them objectionable. And he said he wanted to be able to act on his sexual feelings. So it is about sex, I said. No, he said. <br /><br />That was some batshit fuckery.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-58163770641755380292013-10-20T13:15:00.120-04:002013-10-20T13:15:00.120-04:00I think it is really harmful to equate monogamy wi...I think it is really harmful to equate monogamy with jealousy and possessiveness and polyamory with no jealousy and no possessiveness. While there might be trends in those directions, I can tell you that after identifying as polyamorous for eighteen years, I've seen plenty of polyamorous relationships that have jealousy and possessiveness and plenty of monogamous relationships that don't. I think that ultimately, the relationship form isn't what is important, and generally should be considered a matter of taste that everyone gets to decide for themselves. What is important is trying to be a better person and partner, which usually does involve trying to be less jealous and possessive and insecure, no matter what relationship style you end up choosing. One of the best guides I've read on this topic is on a polyamorous site, but I do think it really can apply to any relationship type and I hope it helps you, even if you ultimately decide that monogamy is what is right for you: http://www.morethantwo.com/becomingsecure.htmlmogwarnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-14258560378101666842013-10-20T13:03:32.337-04:002013-10-20T13:03:32.337-04:00Thanks for beating me to that - it's exactly w...Thanks for beating me to that - it's exactly what I was thinking the whole time I was reading this entry!mogwarnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-27331307932754749232013-10-19T22:30:29.491-04:002013-10-19T22:30:29.491-04:00"Take some Claritin if you can't handle a..."Take some Claritin if you can't handle analogy."<br /><br />I....died a little. This just made my day xDLainhttp://lanarz.tumblr.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-73775189078820865662013-10-19T19:39:48.555-04:002013-10-19T19:39:48.555-04:00Hi first anonymous! I struggled with feeling uncoo...Hi first anonymous! I struggled with feeling uncool and like I might be a horrid immature jealous person when I started dating my partner, who mentioned that he is drawn to poly and might want to explore that at some stage. I actually nearly ended our budding relationship with him because I didn't want to hold him back from what I thought he wanted (poly), which I knew it wasn't for me. I'm bi and kinky and I think of myself as a pretty non-judgmental and supportive person, but he was my first partner and I wanted to share the lovely unexpectedness of our new relationship just between us. The thought of poly didn't scare me, but it just didn't... turn me on or do anything for me. I had no curiosity about whether I would get jealous or how we would communicate and make things work; it just wasn't a relationship form that interested me. Even though I do get attracted to other people and play kinkily with other people, having a formalised poly relationship didn't sound appealing. And I knew that if I did give poly a whirl, I would be doing it for him, which seemed like a bad start. Anyway, we talked about it and he opined that for him, trying poly would be like dating a scientist - something he has always had curiosity about and thinks might be cool, but not necessarily to his sex / love life or happiness. Anyway, I pretty much got over feeling uncool about it by just remembering that ignoring my inner voice and forcing myself into a dynamic which seems like a lot of work right off the bat, and un-thrilling work at that, isn't self-loving, self-aware behaviour (and probably wouldn't be that kind to my partner in the long-term, either) and that I can be non-judgmental and supportive in a mono context. And that there's no way to Relationship wrong if everyone's being honest and respectful.Alexahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01381421167000177092noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-30128078524659755202013-10-19T17:09:59.160-04:002013-10-19T17:09:59.160-04:00I so know what you mean. My current boyfriend is m...I so know what you mean. My current boyfriend is my first sexual partner, and he's had roughly 80 sexual partners before me. So at first there was this whole "But he's done everything already with women who are much more experienced and much better at it than me, how could I possibly be interesting??" worry in my head, until I found out (fairly quickly, luckily) that hey, just because he's done a million things already doesn't mean that 'just sex' is no longer fun.JustSomeonenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-23062586677596432692013-10-19T11:50:58.695-04:002013-10-19T11:50:58.695-04:00Hi everyone! I'm the first Anon, back again. T...Hi everyone! I'm the first Anon, back again. Thank you so much for all your thoughtful responses - you really did help me feel better.<br /><br />And I do hope I didn't come across like "boo hoo hoo, it's so hard to be mono." Obviously poly people have to deal with all sorts of lack of legal recognition, social stigma, etc, which I never will. <br /><br />This all makes me think about how sexual relationships are seen as an escalator too- first you start dating, then you get exclusive, eventually you marry, and even if you've been married for twenty years and had an awesome time for 19 and a half of them, if eventually you go your separate ways then it's failure and disaster, and the only "success" is to stay married till death, never mind how miserable it makes you. Though hopefully I think American culture is starting to grow out of this idea. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-56348802842336056352013-10-19T09:38:45.787-04:002013-10-19T09:38:45.787-04:00d'oh!d'oh!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-5172764102385801772013-10-19T06:42:23.973-04:002013-10-19T06:42:23.973-04:00My own example: I think the advantage of poly is t...My own example: I think the advantage of poly is that you can live out your attractions and crushes on other people (I'm the kind of person who gets attracted to loads of people all the time). The general advantage of mono is that being with just one person, sexually and romantically, is in many ways simpler and less energy-consuming. <br />I used to feel that the advantages of poly outweighed the advantages of mono. When I met Husband though, it was different, since he's the one and only person in the world I wanna spend infinite amounts of time with; I just never get enough of his company. Also, for Husband, mono is a deal-breaker. Although he presented this fact as "I've thought about this and I really don't feel good about being in a poly-relationship, I'm sorry but you really must choose between being mono with me or not being with me at all" rather than "You MY woman now! MY woman no sleep with other people! Grunt grunt!"Jeppssonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05016901164247140438noreply@blogger.com