tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post8746595132164903886..comments2024-03-22T05:55:48.117-04:00Comments on The Pervocracy: Growing up ugly.Cliff Pervocracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comBlogger78125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-31223227944647349082014-06-14T02:56:35.263-04:002014-06-14T02:56:35.263-04:00This reminds me of some of the lessons teen girls ...This reminds me of some of the lessons teen girls who were slut-shamed learned, as described in the aptly named book, Slut! It also clarified for me a lot of what I learned through being in the same position--though I was mystified by the fact that being thin and blond and horny as hell didn't lead to *some* amount of sex, despite my other shortcomings in the looks department. (I didn't get my first kiss until I was almost 18, lol, and I had to come onto a guy pretty damn hard for three days straight just to make that much happen.)<br /><br />"I wasn't sexy and my boyfriend wasn't sexy, but the actual sex we had was fantastic." -- I had occasion to look up Ursula's song in The Little Mermaid recently, and it made me remember why I hated that movie so much, even as a kid. She conjures up two conventionally unattractive people over her cauldron, explaining they're sad because they're unattractive and they can't hook up. She makes them attractive and then they can hook up after all. What. I mean, it's one thing to be all, "Unattractive people can't get the attention of hot people!" even though that's bull, too. It's thing another to be like, "People are incapable of having sex (or romantic embraces, as seen through the Disney lens) unless they're attractive!" It's such a bizarre litmus test to be like, "Y/N: This would make good porn" as a means of determining whether a relationship can possibly exist. Okay, end rant now, lol.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-47971634766060667762013-05-05T00:38:25.802-04:002013-05-05T00:38:25.802-04:00Honestly, half the reason I'm afraid to have c...Honestly, half the reason I'm afraid to have children is all the ways they could internalize K-12 public school bullying. I got out of it okay as soon as I hit college as well, but it could be hell all the way up to that point. I feel like your article should be distributed to all the kids on the fringes. Because we were right all along about how society should actually work.Beenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-3687547923504691642013-02-24T19:33:39.599-05:002013-02-24T19:33:39.599-05:00Thank you for writing about this! I related a lot ...Thank you for writing about this! I related a lot to this blog post. I was particularly struck by the first item on the list of things you learned growing up ugly, "I am horny." What you described happened to me too to an extent, but I never consciously thought about it before, at least not in those terms.<br /><br />I mean, I'm not sure that I experienced my sex drive as something completely separate from male sexual desire. I certainly remember not just desiring, but wanting to be desired as well. But I still think there's something to be said for having been horny without actually ever having been desired, and feeling and knowing that sex drive so fully.<br /><br />But yeah! I never thought about it before reading your blog post today. And I found it quite thought-provoking. So thank you!Savannahnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-87634585762400627542013-01-07T21:51:23.607-05:002013-01-07T21:51:23.607-05:00Hah, this was me! I had good grades, strong friend...Hah, this was me! I had good grades, strong friendships, and I was pretty active in the theater department. And I was ugly. Nobody picked on me after elementary school, but they never let me forget it, either. <br />I liked what you said about the Ugly Duckling thing – ugly kids don’t necessarily grow up to be pretty. They just stop thinking their looks matter.<br />I don’t know that I experienced my sexuality separately from male desire. Certainly, there weren’t any boys in my life who wanted to fuck me, and I recognized the bull my Catholic high school sold me when I saw it, but I think I was still very affected by the objectifying gaze – I would dream about being not just beautiful, but more beautiful than anyone else. And as a queer woman, most of my sexual development centered on learning to not think of my sexuality as an extension of my ugliness – she’s got zits, her hair sucks, she has scoliosis, she has a cleft palate, and she’s a raging lesbo – and wading through the bullshit about sexuality that I was taught (including “men desire, women accept”). <br />That being said, a lot of my fantasies included someone desiring me. Not infrequently, that someone was a man. And I really bought into that stuff about prettiness, including the idea that women are only desirable for a certain time…Unless you mean “okay, time to feel horny/time to shut off your clit”?<br />I still haven’t gotten to the point where I can approach someone. I believed --and still, to an extent, do--that the odds of someone wanting to fuck me are so low that I’d better not get my feelings hurt (and disgust the person I want) by reaching for the impossible; that, if someone wants me, they will be the one to make the move. I am slowly moving past that. Thank you, and thank everyone who commented, for helping me.<br />Morgainehttp://www.morgaine.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-21798638018483280092013-01-05T09:19:36.135-05:002013-01-05T09:19:36.135-05:00Thank you! This is the story of my life (also exce...Thank you! This is the story of my life (also except for the having been laid part). I'm at the point in my life where I'm waiting for the universe to come good on the other side of the equation: Bullied to within an inch of her sanity in school = Obviously will be a raging success later in life. I'm 34 and can honestly say I've worked hard to bring about my big break even to the point of trying different careers and moving to different countries. Years of effort and heartache. The result is I'm single, unemployed, overweight, living with my parents and miserable. All the bullies who made me hate myself for decades are now married with great jobs, homes and kids. I feel like I've been cheated. I'm pretty smart but Life is the hardest damn test I've ever taken and I feel like I've done nothing but fail every question since I was born. I LOVE these Woe is me moments! Thanks for letting me get this off my chest!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14195209539071334958noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-60411105924110190602012-10-21T23:04:20.101-04:002012-10-21T23:04:20.101-04:00Wow! You sound like me (including the sex!) 30 ye...Wow! You sound like me (including the sex!) 30 years ago. I didn't get any until I was 17, but I could come like mad from a guy inside me like they all say is impossible :P I went through much of that crap in high school too: I tell people I was Meg Griffin growing up, and while I still don't look like Lois, I'm much happier, both with my life and myself.<br /><br />And yeah, mine still haunts me, too. I go through days where I'm convinced I'm hideous and that my partner must be blind for wanting me and I think she's far prettier than I'll ever be (she thinks the same of me too).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-85238401147087007012012-09-13T14:41:08.662-04:002012-09-13T14:41:08.662-04:00I also got tormented on my looks growing up. Fat a...I also got tormented on my looks growing up. Fat and ugly is mostly what I heard and I am in my 40s and still resent those bastards and bitches. <br /><br />I did, however, became hot by means of liposuction and body contouring. Ironically, talking about sex, I became a sex object for many men in the last few years. I had and am having a lot of fun. It "makes up" for being made fun of but it still doesn't take the painful past away. <br /><br />Like a previous post said by Mr. Monster, I don't think I'll ever truly get over what I went through either. It gets so instilled in our soul. People don't realize how much damage it can cause.<br /><br />I also heard "oh they were just kids" "it's such a long time ago" "get over it already." Such heartless words from people who don't understand. They don't realize that ANY trauma that a child or young teen growing up goes through gets stuck in the developing mind, emotions and spirit. It's the fact that they are so young and learning and what's learned is there forever! It sticks like 2+2=4. It will never get unstuck unless you get Alzheimer's...God forbid.<br /><br />Sometimes, I think having a selective memory or somehow taking out bad memories would help but that's not going to happen. It shouldn't have to happen. People need to be more nicer because we are responsible for each other. We create criminals if you think about. That's a bit extreme but the way you treat others will come back and haunt you in some way and even sometimes, innocent people get hurt by it too.<br /><br />I may not be a fat ass anymore but it still stings. I'm still sensitive about it. To some people, I might still be fat just because of how they think. Size 0 or else. I am a size 6/8. To some, that is fat. I still wear a bikini during the summer. I get hit on by young men and men my own age so I must be "fuckable" obviously. <br /><br />BUT....it still stings. It never goes away. I am also in therapy about it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-9668886507012265922012-06-19T16:50:29.420-04:002012-06-19T16:50:29.420-04:00Thank you so much.Thank you so much.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-50148881716364573702011-10-17T00:05:55.924-04:002011-10-17T00:05:55.924-04:00Fantastic, realistic and humorous: The best way to...Fantastic, realistic and humorous: The best way to be inspiring. Really glad you posted this - thank you!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-4751989414021738982011-06-09T18:21:13.101-04:002011-06-09T18:21:13.101-04:00what a great post, new to your blog from a comment...what a great post, new to your blog from a comment on "yes and yes". I feel bad to say this, but your line "But still, when you're twelve years old and people tell you that you're unfuckable, you don't have the perspective to go "duh, I'm a child." " made me laugh out loud because it's true. also your line about "those bunnies must suck." <br />I was also teased about my looks in junior high through early college and see it now as having been a blessing in disguise.melina beehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10079734489990081556noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-79919758116304636162011-05-03T02:13:39.517-04:002011-05-03T02:13:39.517-04:00wooooooooowwwwwww that... was... AMAZING!! :) lol....wooooooooowwwwwww that... was... AMAZING!! :) lol... i loved this this is real life!!!!!!!! i hate watching movies about the ugly duckling and how he/she grows up and they get everything and they get revenge and shit.. no ways this is for reals.. thanks for writing this.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-4898789423666122052011-05-02T16:50:05.089-04:002011-05-02T16:50:05.089-04:00I'm 16, Im so fucking glad i read this.I'm 16, Im so fucking glad i read this.RosaFranklin101https://www.blogger.com/profile/16044268086785130717noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-35951001376388874672011-05-01T08:22:15.303-04:002011-05-01T08:22:15.303-04:00Hi,
Thanks for sharing. Your story really spoke t...Hi,<br /><br />Thanks for sharing. Your story really spoke to me.<br /><br />See, the thing is, I'm 22 and I've never kissed a boy. I don't think I'm ugly but I'm overweight, short, don't put on makeup and my idea of an outfit is T-shirt and jeans. While I occasionally wish I have a boy/girlfriend, I'm mostly okay with being single. I have a satisfying fantasy life and erotica and porn make up the rest of it. What I'm tired of is the feeling that other people felt sorry for me for this - like I have a condition. Some trotted out the, "It's okay, you still have time." line if I ever mentioned it in the course of conversation. It's worse when I was with people in the states (I'm asian, went to the states for college) - I get that shocked look. I despise the movie, "40-year-old virgin" that makes a mockery out of something that should be a very personal choice (I've never watched it).<br /><br />What I got out from your post was the fact that I'm waiting for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet when I could be proactive. Yet, I still have no idea how I should do it and as yet, there's no one I wanted to approach.Felicianoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-5263627429180744362011-04-23T23:46:57.882-04:002011-04-23T23:46:57.882-04:00You kind of just wrote my biography. Except for th...You kind of just wrote my biography. Except for the part where you got laid and I still haven't. :( This is a really great post... and it's nice to know I'm not the only one who's gone through this shit. Thanks.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-6591994320589402892011-04-22T20:55:44.344-04:002011-04-22T20:55:44.344-04:00some have mentioned being both bullied and a bully...some have mentioned being both bullied and a bully and that kind of applied to me. it is not something i am proud of by any means, in fact i feel horrible about it. but at the time it seemed like a reasonable coping mechanism. i was being picked on both verbally and physically. at the same time, because the issue of bullying was not, well, considered an issue as it is today, there was a general vibe of "kids will be kids" and more specifically "boys will be boys." and so this discouraged me from telling teachers or other authority figures, out of fear that this would just make me a "crybaby," a "tattletale," a "whiner," or whatever. so i found others who seemed more out of it socially than me and made fun of them. again, not something i am happy about in retrospect but at the time it seemed like a way for me to feel like a bit less of a loser who should just go commit suicide or something.Vanessa Emma Goldmannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-47233349763122488102011-04-22T12:56:35.670-04:002011-04-22T12:56:35.670-04:00wow, Holly, i can so identify with this article. m...wow, Holly, i can so identify with this article. my situation was different in a lot of ways, but also similar in many others. i am a transgendered woman who has only recently (like in the last five or six years or so) even been able to partially come out as such. i was born in 1964 and grew up in what was then a VERY conservative, primarily Roman Catholic suburb of Detroit in the 1970s and 80s. Even being a cisgendered (that is, not transgendered) lesbian or gay guy was not something anyone admitted to, being trans was even less something to even think about telling anyone about. and in general, the conformity and narrowmindedness of the community and especially other teenagers was totally off the charts. at the same time that i was told bullshit like "just be yourself and people will like you" and so on...yeah, friggin right! so i tried my best to be a "normal boy" because admitting that i was really a girl would probably have gotten me severely teased and picked on at best (and i was ALREADY getting picked on more than i could stand) and perhaps even seriously maimed or killed. played football even though i was a horrible athlete, hung out with the heavy metal listening, hard partying bad boys even though i was really a sensitive girl deep down, anything to maybe make things a bit less horrible than they already were, and/or avoid making things much worse. <br /><br />things started getting better in college, where as you say people tend to be at least a bit more mature. also i found that there was a wider variety of things to do and "niches" to fit into. no longer did i have to try and play sports, or act like a bad ass. i got involved in the campus peace movement and other progressive activist stuff and felt much more happy and accepted. of course i still was not really able to come out as trans, as at the time there were basically (cis, not trans) lesbians and gay men with no real place for trans or really even bisexuals let alone anyone else like genderqueer people or whatever. things continuned to get better over time and, while there is still things that could be better, i think your last two lines hold true for me too..."i didn't get the life i wanted. i got something way better!" i am currently a faculty librarian at The University of Michigan, and have many wonderful friends and family who i love and who love me. thanks so much for posting this!Vanessa Emma Goldmannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-65443129999981177362011-04-21T18:23:13.594-04:002011-04-21T18:23:13.594-04:00Saw this post on Twitter and it just flipped my wh...Saw this post on Twitter and it just flipped my whole world around on its head. I, too, went through so much of what you described, and I just never found a way to look at it so positively. I've found ways to have confidence despite this or that, but until reading this post I didn't realize the good things that can come from growing up "unfuckable." Your paragraph about experiencing my own sexuality as completely separate from male desire - as someone who started fucking girls long before she fucked boys, that's always been true for me, but I just didn't realize how fucking *amazing* (and rare!) that is.<br /><br />This post made me feel confident and powerful and awesome for things that have nothing do with looks. Thank you.Lizhttp://www.liznugentdraws.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-42622090366697054502011-04-19T23:45:48.708-04:002011-04-19T23:45:48.708-04:00"I got something way better."
Ain't..."I got something way better."<br /><br />Ain't it the truth? The real possibilities are so much better than the fairytale futures we dream up as kids. No rules.Sladehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04771082787334736784noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-64680607524525486882011-04-19T16:48:56.024-04:002011-04-19T16:48:56.024-04:00I found this post through Twitter. All I can say, ...I found this post through Twitter. All I can say, Holly, is thank you. I was really moved by reading this. My struggles in high school were so very similar to what you described, and reading this has really helped in ways I can't even explain.<br />Thank you so much.Aimee Duquettehttp://twitter.com/aduquettenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-49901165886902580372011-04-19T16:15:18.032-04:002011-04-19T16:15:18.032-04:00You are so right. I'm in the college phase rig...You are so right. I'm in the college phase right now and I'm very glad I was the ugly kid all through puberty and most of adolescence, it saved me lots of trouble with grades and sex! Lovely article, thank you!<br />V.Vhttp://hoymegusta.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-30869258824718038512011-04-19T16:10:40.883-04:002011-04-19T16:10:40.883-04:00I just found this blog and I must say I already lo...I just found this blog and I must say I already love you. You have perfectly described my entire educational experience pre-college. The first time I got suspended, it was for punching a kid who constantly tormented me. My father was 59 when I was born. He incessantly would shout across the school yard that my father would not walk me down the aisle at my wedding because 1) he was too old and 2) I was too ugly to find anyone to marry me. My father will be walking me down the aisle in october. I mailed my wedding invitations today. I made sure to invite my tormentor.Bethanyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07461873682447863116noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-59708123690125155672011-04-19T16:01:08.152-04:002011-04-19T16:01:08.152-04:00High school for me was just sort of a roller coast...High school for me was just sort of a roller coaster with no dips or turns or loop-de-loops or any of those things...<br /><br />I got okay grades, had a group of loser friends, didn't really get picked on, didn't have any sexual or even romantic encounters.<br /><br />I found out my senior year that most kids thought I was going to be that guy that would go bat-shit and shoot up the whole school, which I thought was pretty disturbing, but worked out for me. Explains why the one guy who tried to bully me backed off when I got mad about it... Mostly I kept to myself and everyone just let me do it...<br /><br />Like you though, I was able to understand that I am horny as shit.Kylogramhttp://kylogram.deviantart.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-37905575026664403762011-04-19T15:52:06.260-04:002011-04-19T15:52:06.260-04:00As someone who was formerly one of the assholes in...As someone who was formerly one of the assholes in high school, I'd like to offer my sincerest apologies. I got lucky and had a young, brilliant girl smack me upside the head with the truth before it got too bad. <br /><br />I'll be forever grateful to her and to anyone with the brilliance and the courage to stomach the hell of it all and come out unstoppable on the other side. I can say with some certainty that the contentment you know now is better by miles than anything the high school bullies will ever have the pleasure of understanding.[overclicked]https://www.blogger.com/profile/01011079863728310738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-8673920613151724942011-04-09T20:47:19.487-04:002011-04-09T20:47:19.487-04:00Who said to feel bad for me?Who said to feel bad for me?Cliff Pervocracyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-85352047778778369582011-04-09T20:21:30.214-04:002011-04-09T20:21:30.214-04:00Um, OK. What's the point of this. I'M A GE...Um, OK. What's the point of this. I'M A GENIUS WHO HAS AMAZING SEX BAWWWWW FEEL BAD FOR ME CUZ I'M UGLYAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com