Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 25.

Hi!  I still exist!  I got a new job as a nurse and I was very busy for a while.  I'm still busy, but I have some actual free time now.

And I spent that free time reading Fifty Shades of Grey, because dammit, there's only two chapters left now and I've already left you hanging for like four months.

When we last saw our heroes, they were in Georgia, because Ana went there to get away from this confusing relationship and clear her head and talk things through with her mother--and Punch ThunderMeat stalked her there and totally prevented any head-clearing by taking her away from her mother and monopolizing her time.  ROMANCE.

Content warnings for this chapter: Stalking, gaslighting/mindfuckery, graphic sex and BDSM, and do I even have to mention emotional abuse.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 24.

First order of business: is anyone going to the Geeky Kink Event this weekend?   Rowdy and I will be there and would love to meet people in person.  We will also be hosting a Pervocracy room party Saturday evening--I'll post about this when I know specifically when and where. (UPDATE: 7-11pm, 5th floor. Look for the room with "PERVOCRACY FIELD HQ" sign on the door.)

Also, I'm officially an RN now, so that's cool.

Onto the book.  When we last left our heroes, they were... you know what, I could write one of these that would work for literally every chapter.  When we last left our heroes, Ana was all "I want you, but I don't enjoy anything about your actual personality or sexuality," which was understandable because Ralph ChunderStorm's personality was mostly obsession and manipulation, and his sexuality was mostly violent coercion.

But in this chapter... well, all that is still happening, but in Georgia!

Content warnings for this chapter: Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, of course.  Forced eating.  Murder reference.  Child molestation.  Dog bites.  Another long-ass chapter.

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 23!

The trailer for the FSoG movie is out, and here's my mini-review.  (And one more thought on it.)  I have a weird mix of glee and sorrow that they're making a movie out of this.  I am looking forward to it being so-bad-it's-good, a Showgirls for our time--but I'm also terrified that it's going to give millions of people the idea that BDSM is "abuse but they're perverts so it's okay."  I don't want that.

Based on the trailer, it seems like it will be very faithful to the book, which might work in my favor.  The audience consensus might end up being "wow, when you see this stuff actually acted out it's miserable," and then the whole thing will sink beneath the murky waves from which it arose.  I can hope.

Anyway, we still have four chapters left in this book.  Let's get slogging.  As a reminder, when we left off, THE EMAIL WAS COMING FROM INSIDE THE BAR!!!

Content warnings for this chapter:  Emotional abuse, do I even have to say it?  Stalking, bigtime. Weirdness around drinking.  Child molestation, molestation apologism, and implied (?) physical child abuse.  Period sex.

Also, this is another long-ass entry.

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 22!

Home stretch, you guys.  And a tough stretch it is.  This chapter is almost entirely composed of emails.  Here's that bug-eyed guy graphic again.

It's originally meant to illustrate "how can I ever live up to this sexy, sexy book?"  I have to assume he'd opened it to a section that wasn't forty pages of grouchy emails.

Content warnings for this chapter: Do I have to say emotional abuse?  You know there's emotional abuse.  Jealousy.  Stalking, SO MUCH STALKING.  Homophobia.  Physical abuse.  Kidnapping.  Slut-shaming.  Child molestation.  Excessive drinking.  And other sexy romantic things.

Also, this chapter (and hence this entry) is loooong.  FYI.

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 21!

There's only 25 chapters in this book.  We're gonna make it.

I have to admit, it's all starting to blur together for me.  In the first part of the book, things were already horrible, but at least they moved a little.  Ana worked, went out with friends, graduated school, moved to a new city.  Now we've entered this vague Timeless Zone where the pacing becomes an undifferentiated dribble of "we had really icky un-fun coercive sex... and then later we had some more."  I don't know the month, much less the day of the week, and the relationship isn't developing one inch past the "I want you to submit to me but I don't actually like you" point we were at a hundred pages ago.  Trying to enjoy this book as a piece of fiction is like trying to paddle a canoe through gravel.

Content warnings for this chapter: Emotional abuse and manipulation, bigtime.  Workplace sexual harassment.  Trying to help an abused friend.  Sparkly GIF.

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 20!

Call Mara Wilson a "sad fuck", will you, E.L. James?  Well, I've got some news for you: all of the fucks in your book are sad.

In fact, we're heading into a particularly sad one right now, as when we last left our heroes, Gaston Von RockThrust was angrily dragging Ana into a boathouse in his parents' backyard to punish her for offenses consisting of:

A) Making plans to go visit her mother.

B) Having drinks with a male friend.

and

C) Not letting him finger under the table during dinner with his parents.

And don't worry, she's genuinely terrified and trying to deflect or escape him the whole time.  Now that's how you make a fuck sad.

Note: all Christian Grey names in this entry are automatically generated by the Manly Name Generator, courtesy of Spencer Dub.

Content warnings for this chapter: More or less outright rape.  More detailed emotional abuse than usual, including some real-life stories.

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 19!

Last chapter Our Heroes had an ooky gynecologist appointment and a bunch of sex, and that was about it.  I always feel so indifferent and unaroused by the sex in this book.  It's like trying to read a sex scene starring Ted Bundy--even if the scene itself were great, the outside knowledge I have about these characters spoils any chance of it being erotic.

Content warnings for this chapter: Physical and emotional abuse, as always.  Child molestation, and Ana being a shit about it.  Eating disorders, somehow.  Horror movies, if that's a thing I need to warn for?

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 18!

It's baaaaaack.

When we last saw our heroes, Stud BeefThud had arranged a really weird gynecologist exam for Ana at his house, because he is rich in the creepiest possible way.

Content warnings for this chapter: Emotional and physical abuse, as always.  Casual misogyny.  Graphic BDSM and sex--I guess I'm pretty inconsistent in warning for that, because that applies to my entire blog and much of my life, but anyway, there's some in here.

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 17!

I'm not dead!  I'm in the last month of nursing school.  I haven't had much time or energy to write.  I'm utterly exhausted, a bit demoralized, and so, so close to a new chapter in my life.

I think I'm at the point I was at when I left Seattle--of looking at my life and thinking there's nothing at all wrong with it, except that I can't see this being my only life.  I want to reincarnate.  There's so much stuff out there to experience, and I have the freedom and opportunity to go out and experience some more, and I intend to.

I've been going through my grandfather's slides lately.  My grandmother died a few months ago, and I took the slides from her house.  My grandfather loved to travel, and I'm not sure I fully understood that until I started going through these slides.  There's wild leopards in them, and thousand-year-old synagogues, and million-year-old glaciers, and a stunning variety of things that look like penises.  Just pages and pages of rock penises and wood penises and gourd penises, interspersed with all the glories of the Earth.  I love my grandfather now more than ever.  I want to travel as widely as him, to live as fully as he did, and to see as many penises.

And so I'm going to leave Boston. I don't yet know when or for where.  I still love Rowdy dearly and the idea of leaving him breaks my heart--but I also know he doesn't want me to stay here just for him, and deep down neither do I.  I'll visit often and I'll email and I'll always love him.  But I may move away from him.


Anyway.  Wherever I go, Fifty Shades of Grey will still be with me.  Unfortunately.


Content warnings for this chapter: Stalking, mostly.  Physical and emotional abuse, although the physical is not quite so intense as in some other chapters.  And one sketchy-ass gynecologist.

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 16!

I'm back!  Unfortunately, I've been going through some bad depression once again, so... yeah.  That's why.  I'm getting treatment and hopefully will be on the up-slope soon.

(No, I'm not depressed from reading Fifty Shades of Grey.  I'm depressed from the stuff that made me so good at spotting abusive behaviors in Fifty Shades of Grey.)


In our last installment, our Brave Hero threatened to rape the heroine, and then they went off and had consensual sex, or as consensual as it can be immediately after a rape threat.  Making jokes about this book has become increasingly difficult.  It's like, I want to write about things besides abuse, but literally nothing else happens!

Content warnings for this chapter: Kidnapping, extremely graphic physical abuse, sexual assault for the umpteenth time, homophobia, even more emotional abuse than usual.

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 15!

ANNOUNCEMENT: I will be speaking at the University of Chicago Sex Week again this year!  I'll be talking about "Sex Outside The Lines" at 7pm on Saturday, February 8, on the second floor of the Logan Center (915 E 60th St.)  It's free and open to the public, and last year was a great time, so I highly encourage you to attend if you're in the area.



Well, here we are.  Past the halfway point.  Before I get into this one, I want to tell you a little bit about my weekend.  (Graphic BDSM coming. FYI.)

On Saturday night, I went to a kink party with Rowdy and his girlfriend Artemis*.  We walked around for a bit watching people scening, then I asked if they wanted to do a scene where they both topped me.  They did, so I stripped down to underwear and we talked.  I told them I wanted to be punched and flogged, mostly on the back over the shoulderblades, and we agreed how I would let them know if I was having a good time or a bad one.

And then they started hitting me.  Rowdy and Artemis took turns, first bare-knuckled and then with leaden sap gloves, then with a heavy leather flogger.  It started out slow with a lot of "how's that? harder?" and quickly got more primal.  For a while I was laughing with every blow, then gasping as the pain built up.  While Artemis punched me, Rowdy held me from the front, hugging me to his chest as I alternately giggled and moaned.  Artemis dug her fingers deeply into my back, grabbing the bruised and tender muscles, twisting them.  That's when I started to slip into a trance.  I closed my eyes tightly and stopped laughing and everything turned inward.  The blows stopped being "pain, but good" and started being "good, but good."  Rowdy and Artemis took turns a few more times.  They were holding my hair, kissing each other over my shoulder, biting my skin.  I was less and less aware of time and of what specifically they were doing, and more aware of... flying.  Just flying through endless inner space on a rocket made of endorphins and sweaty leather.

I came back to Earth on a plushy sofa, with Rowdy holding me and kissing me and giving me sips of water.  "That was amazing," we both said.  "I love you," we both said.  "My back feels funny," I said.

*Oh, right.  Rowdy broke up with Sprite like three years ago and he's been dating Artemis for more than a year now and she's pretty awesome.  Probably should've mentioned this at some point.

So that's real BDSM for you.  It's not the only way you can do BDSM, for sure--there's a million ways--but I think it's not a bad example.  I asked for it, and I could have stopped it without fear of retaliation.  My tops asked me--and gave me--what I wanted, not merely what I could tolerate.  The whole thing was full of a spirit of fun and experimentation, not anger or bitterness.  And I loved the hell out of it.  I didn't come away thinking "that wasn't so bad" or "I had that coming." I came away thinking "I feel fucking fantastic."

So you can see why I'm completely appalled and disappointed by the way my beloved kinks are presented in Fifty Shades of Grey.  It's one of the most joyous things in my life, and it's being forced on someone who hates it, and E.L. James is saying this is okay and sexy.  It breaks my damn heart.



Content warnings for this chapter: Emotional abuse, you know the drill. Also rape threats and graphic sex immediately following rape threats.

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 14!

When we last read Fifty Shades of Grey, our hero was threatening our heroine with rape and furiously badgering her any time she disagreed with him over petty little things.  ...That could describe any chapter in the book.  You don't have to read this one too closely to keep up.

I like this picture. It was originally illustrating a guy going "wow, I can never live up to this amazing Christian Grey fella, I'm just an ordinary man."  But it is also, for very different reasons, the exact face I make when I read this book.

Content warnings for this chapter:  The force-feeding thing, the child sexual abuse thing, the adult sexual abuse thing, the continuous rampant emotional abuse thing... boy has this book numbed me out.  You know, the thing, with the horribleness.

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 13!

In the last chapter, our hero broke into our heroine's house and raped her.  So.  Really nowhere to go but up from here, I guess.

Content warnings for this chapter: emotional abuse (like, a LOT), sexual harassment.  You know the drill.

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 12!

This is not going to be a very funny chapter. I would not blame you one bit if you skipped it. I'm going to go through it, for the sake of complete commentary, but there's a point in this chapter where there's no hope of making any jokes.

Plot summary if you choose to skip: Ana "jokingly" breaks up with Christian Grey. He thinks it's real and breaks into her house and rapes her.

MAJOR content warning: Rape. Not rape references or "that's kind of like rape"; outright graphic rape. Also home invasion, emotional abuse, child sexual abuse.

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey! Chapter 11!

It's a double post day!  Because I decided to, that's why!  And because nothing happens in either chapter, so really it's like getting zero chapters for the price of two!

(And because I really want to do more original writing, and I'm hoping getting more FSoG out of the way will motivate me to do that.)

I hope you like fakey, blatantly illegal legal documents, because most of this chapter is one of them!  In its entirety!  Right down to the signature page and appendices!  Because EROTICA!

Content warnings for this chapter: A legal document that somehow still manages to incorporate emotional and physical abuse and total disregard for consent.  Also forced exercise.

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey! Chapter 10!

Nothing interesting happens in this chapter, but I made a really good joke in Chapter 11, and we won't get to that if I don't post this.

Content warnings for this chapter: Emotional abuse (which is almost continuous in this chapter), child/adolescent sexual abuse.  You know, light fluffy romance stuff.

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 9

Last time on Fifty Shades of Grey, our heroes were having blandly mechanical sex while Buff RockGroin continued to pout and fume any time he didn't get his way about everything, and Ana continued to act like "I don't mind, it's sexy when he doesn't consider my needs" isn't something a lot of people convince themselves at some point in a really bad relationship.

Content warnings for this chapter: Emotional abuse, sexual coercion. As per usual.

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey! Chapter 8!

When we left off, Dirk HardPec was raging out at Ana because she admitted to him that she was a virgin. I remind you that this is our romantic hero who is supposed to be the epitome of the sexually appealing man.

Content warnings for this chapter: graphic sex, general abusive dickheaddery. I tell some icky personal stories, one of which involves coerced ickiness and both of which involve blood.

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 7!

When we last saw our intrepid heroes, they were entering Hack BlowFist's playroom, and she was playing "I'm too innocent to know anything about sex ever" while he was playing "I'm too domly to make any accommodations for that."

Content warnings for this chapter: disordered eating, plus coercion and emotional abuse all the hell over the place.  (And detailed BDSM talk, but I feel weird "warning" for that, lumping one of the happiest parts of my life in with all those terrible things.  Also, you're on a blog called "The Pervocracy" that has "BDSM" at the top of every page.  ...Anyway, there's detailed BDSM talk in here.)

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 6!

When we last left our intrepid heroes, he was committing sexual assault in an elevator, and her inner goddess was doing a samba about it.

Content warnings for this chapter: Stalking and emotional abuse, mostly.  The rape themes are still hanging around, too.