Sunday, March 30, 2008

Maybe why doesn't matter.

So I like some mildly sick shit. Not the worst (no actual shit, thankyouverymuch), but I get hit, cut, demeaned, restrained, and "forced" into sex acts, and I really really get off on it.

Why? Various theories. Fundamental neurological miswiring, weird childhood experiences, normalizing/encouragement from kinky friends, low self-esteem, reading too many vampire romance novels, escaping real-life responsibilities, bowing to the will of the Patriarchy. (That last one doesn't explain why I think about bondage when I masturbate--now that's internalizing!)

I do think about it but honesty I don't understand why. It feels so physically good to me that it's hard for me to accept a purely psychological explanation. When I'm getting beat up by a boy, my thoughts aren't at all complex or half-bad--all I'm really thinking is "gosh this is so exciting and fun." And my pussy is getting wet. I know psychology can do weird things to a person but the way I respond to pain makes me really think that I was just born this way. I don't remember making a conscious choice to be a masochist--but I do remember being about ten years old and thinking about torture when I masturbated.

At the same time, I grew up in a culture, I had friends and partners, I watched porn; I can't claim to have invented my entire sexuality myself. "Hurty is sexy" might be inborn but I don't think that leather or rope or buttplugged blowjobs were my ideas. So I have been influenced, but it's not at all clear to me how much--did the culture merely give me a script in which I could fulfill my desires, or did it actually change my desires? I don't know.

However, while not dismissing the value of introspection, I don't think there's any reason to stop having pervsex just because I don't know why I do it. What I do know is that I honestly, thoroughly enjoy it for its own sake. And I've never felt any ill effects or seen any in my partners--not only do I feel good during a scene, but I feel good afterwards. Then two days later when I'm all cooled off and I think about what I did, I still feel good.

Or maybe the whole idea that it even needs such thorough understanding is bunk. I haven't performed a full soul-search into why I like photography or country music or desert landscapes. I just... found out I liked them, figured they weren't hurting anybody, and had fun. It's a joy to find something that really makes you take pleasure in life, no matter what it is.


  1. I've encountered people in the kink scene who were all too obviously using kink to act out unresolved/unacknowledged issues. But as far as I can tell, that's not the norm - I've met even more people who either had acknowledged and worked through the related issues (and were now enjoying their kink for itself), or who didn't seem to have such issues.

    Acting out unacknowledged issues can be problematic in all kinds of ways, and many sorts of kink add an extra level of vulnerability to the potential problems, so I think a certain amount of introspection is a wise idea. Ultimately, though, there may not be a traceable answer to why; you might as well ask why one person likes anchovies and another one hates 'em.


  2. Personally, I think it's stranger that you can reach orgasm within a minute. Bondage is as you say; it can be harmful, but it isn't harmful by itself.

    Country music, on the other hand...

  3. Sunflower - I guess that's true but I don't think the kink itself is an indicator of the issues--if you're just kinky and not unhappy about it, you don't need to start combing through your psyche looking for what must be broken. Kink is like writing bad poetry, maybe; people with problems certainly do it, but bad poetry is not in itself a sign of problems. (Other than literary ones.)

    Owen - To be fair, probably not the first orgasm of the night. But still. A firm hand on the G-spot (or better yet, a really thick toy or cock) is pretty much an automatic. It's awesome.

    And country music is the music of the people, dammit.

  4. Real country music or Shania Twain country music?

  5. Yup, Holly - I should have noted that kink is just one of many possible ways of acting out buried issues, and one of the less-common ways at that.


  6. (I should probably, for politeness's sake, note that I'm reading you because of Sunflower's recent link to you.)

    I'm prone to fits of cranky at the notion that I have any obligation whatsoever to provide a 'why' about my kink. I think the expectation that such an explanation should exist is pretty oppressive.

    It always carries to me the subtext, "Your deviancy may be okay ... if you can provide a good enough reason for it. (By the way, I'm not revealing what standards you're being judged by, and I started the stopwatch over a minute ago.)"

    It might be an interesting academic exercise, maybe. Or it might lead to "If we knew what caused pervs like you, we'd know how to cure you. So tell us what broke your sexuality so you can be repaired."

    I'm not so much interested in being fixed out of existence. And I know damned well that the stuff that manifests as kink also manifests as me, it's not some tidy cancerous lump that can be removed. It's like my liver, which works just fine, thanks, and no, I don't think I'd be better off without one.

    It's a question that ... I don't think it gets asked in good aith, or at least with axioms that are compatible with "good faith" by my axioms.

    I don't have to justify being. I just am. I get this 'cause of being a real person, and not a cabbage or something.

  7. Don - I'm never sure what's "real," but: Trace Adkins, Dierks Bentley, Garth Brooks. MAN country.

    D-H - Right on. In a way it reminds me of the debates over whether being gay is a choice or not--which bug the hell out of me as they imply that if it were a choice it wouldn't be okay. And it's ironic that in kink it's only okay if it's a choice.

    The thing I'm touchy about is: I did get hit as a child. I did have some weird early sexual experiences. But that shouldn't remove my right (as if I need someone's permission?) to be kinky.

    This gets back to those radfem fights, in a way--no one can make decisions in a vacuum, with no influences and no history. But that doesn't mean we can't make them.

  8. And I was assaulted -- and had all the kink fantasy before the near-rape, but it's not like I can talk about the way they intersect without some numbskull coming in and going, "Ah! That's why you're fucked up!"

    Er, no. Well, okay, yes, that's a significant factor in being fucked up, but being fucked up has nothing to do with the fact that I had bondage and slavery fantasies before I even met the guy who broke my brain.

    The idea that I'm owed an explanation -- especially when it's generally the sort of people who want to generate some sort of sob story to explain me out of legitimacy -- is so fucking obnoxious. I don't go around asking vanilla people to justify their nonperviness; I consider this basic etiquette.

    There's something about being not-having-vanilla-het-monogamous-sex people that makes some folks just obsessed with the way we fuck. I've seen it in politics mostly at the "We can't let same-sex couples marry because we fear the buttsex and OMG buttsex and have you thought about the buttsex I just oh the penises CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT ALL THE PENISES" subtext level, but the whole "What's the etiology of your deviance" thing is part of it, or the "Oh, tell me about your threesomes!" response to poly people, or ....

    Waugh. Voyeurism is my anti-kink. Especially weird political-wanky voyeurism.