tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post113931458307278498..comments2024-03-22T05:55:48.117-04:00Comments on The Pervocracy: Getting into BDSM Part 3: Safety.Cliff Pervocracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-91628672782822008122013-10-19T00:04:52.233-04:002013-10-19T00:04:52.233-04:00Posts like these make me feel so much better. I ha...Posts like these make me feel so much better. I have an experienced Dom friend who once tied me up and beat me without negotiating any consent, he pushed me way past my limits and now mocks me for my low pain tolerance.Kaylahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06319561373927664741noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-2421753367725966042011-10-13T07:08:09.957-04:002011-10-13T07:08:09.957-04:00Is it OK if I take a moment to say how much I hate...Is it OK if I take a moment to say how much I hate the term "consensual nonconsent"? It gives the impression that consent, as such, is a flimsy enough concept that you can "consent" to <em>give it up</em>, and it doesn't help that there are people who actually believe that (both in the fringes of BDSM and in general society) and interpret the phrase that way.ZeSpechttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00466317991259434260noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-45870803501314453132011-06-09T18:21:54.081-04:002011-06-09T18:21:54.081-04:00That's logical. Okay.That's logical. Okay.Kristycathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13321532023627519016noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-42101980511461590902011-06-09T18:02:43.435-04:002011-06-09T18:02:43.435-04:00Mary - You certainly don't have to do things t...Mary - You certainly don't have to do things to the same <i>degree</i> as a masochist, but I think it's a good idea to at least get a feel for how they work. Like, I don't think you have to take a full beating, but you should know how a fist feels different from an open hand and at what speeds it causes different amounts and types of pain.Cliff Pervocracyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-62871278232858932412011-06-09T02:14:51.946-04:002011-06-09T02:14:51.946-04:00Also, if you're a top, know what it's like...<i>Also, if you're a top, know what it's like on the bottom. Don't flog people without knowing what a flogger feels like; don't stick needles in people without knowing how a needle feels.</i><br /><br />What if you're a top with a very low pain tolerance?<br /><br />Example: there's a friend of mine who is quite masochistic. There are things that he likes that, if done to me, would probably cause me to punch the inflictor in the mouth and storm out of the room - but he enjoys it. On the few occasions when we've played, I enjoy hurting him (partly because I just, well, enjoy it, but mostly because I love seeing how much he loves it), but I don't pretend for a minute to understand what he likes about it or how it feels to him. I don't want to experience it myself; one, because I know I'd hate it, but two, because I know what I'm experiencing isn't what he is. I'm a wuss and hate pain, personally; I would never want to make someone else feel what I feel when I'm in pain. But if someone tells me that they enjoy it, who am I to argue?<br /><br />On safewords: on the few occasions when I've been a sub, I've joked that my most reliable safeword is "Quit it, asshole!" (This... is why I'm rarely a sub, and only with people with a robust sense of humor...)Kristycathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13321532023627519016noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-42600238760014457422011-05-20T10:27:01.221-04:002011-05-20T10:27:01.221-04:00@John B -- "Stand Down Damnit" makes me ...@John B -- "Stand Down Damnit" makes me smile. <br /><br />My very first safeword was "I think THAT will be quite enough of THAT!" It was during my first scene, and my playpartner had asked if I wanted to feel a cane, and I lasted about two strokes before deciding that no, this wasn't for me. <br /><br />To be fair, by the time I got to my second scene, I really wanted to try it again, and now I love canes and cane-like implements (with sufficient warm-up).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-44281361399600537402011-05-14T05:07:12.707-04:002011-05-14T05:07:12.707-04:00Good Call Holly, I have the agreement with ALL my ...Good Call Holly, I have the agreement with ALL my playmates, Safeword is the universal safeword. I do remember yelling "Stand Down Damnit" when a flogging was veering to extreme painville rather than entering sub-space.<br /><br />Very bad combination of sunburn and flogging.<br />Mistress wanted to make 100 lashes so bad.John Bhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04875185117306503147noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-43425005158315081192011-05-13T21:30:09.024-04:002011-05-13T21:30:09.024-04:00Although you are posting these as principles for B...Although you are posting these as principles for BDSM play, they seem to me like excellent guidelines for life in general!Comrade PhysioProfhttp://physioprof.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-1924768867245882112011-05-13T20:45:19.876-04:002011-05-13T20:45:19.876-04:00Mistress Mattise wrote that the words "nausea...Mistress Mattise wrote that the words "nausea" and "lawsuit" work very well as safewords. Short, memorable and attention-getting! <br /><br />Signed, another Anon.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-55799937842177040252011-05-13T19:28:35.724-04:002011-05-13T19:28:35.724-04:00hey, new to comments, hi :) I've found that, i...hey, new to comments, hi :) I've found that, in a long term relationship, establishing one safe-word that is in place any time there is non-consent play (which we do a lot) is helpful. Then, no one has to try to remember a new one. We always refresh on what our safe-word is before each time thoughAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-81346717227352051662011-05-13T19:07:16.291-04:002011-05-13T19:07:16.291-04:00I've been very interested in hearing you talk ...I've been very interested in hearing you talk about kink because you clearly do it with more... awareness/seriousness than I do. My past two partners and I just sort of slipped into kink (with communication) early on in the relationship, and I didn't know them *all* that well before we were letting ourselves get tied up by the other. We also never went to any public play parties and just sort of were like "hey, you think it'd be fun to have me tie you up and hit you with this?" on our own. I'm now getting into a dating situation with someone with whom we also on the first date did some kink stuff, but after having read your post I was more aware of how I was taking a risk letting a relative stranger do things that could permanently harm me. <br /><br />I guess I'm just saying, does your vision of kink/BDSM allow for those of us who have always known we wanted to tie up/be tied by someone else, or that we always wanted to hit/be hit by someone else, but perhaps are a little less social and as such just tend to cultivate relationships that involve BDSM in them, rather than seek out community?<br /><br />I do believe that the way you've gone about it is safer and perhaps better, I just know my own reluctance at socializing gets in the way of it.TheDeviantEhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11962230588950968738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-86743147247876693922011-05-13T17:51:13.858-04:002011-05-13T17:51:13.858-04:00Ozy - Miscommunication aside, when people have the...Ozy - Miscommunication aside, when people have the kind of spanking session that includes "fish" and "twelve part two," it makes me smile.<br /><br />I also find that simply yelling "SAFEWORD!" itself ought to suffice in an emergency.Cliff Pervocracyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-16907656076129516462011-05-13T17:29:11.286-04:002011-05-13T17:29:11.286-04:00Important note on safewords: make sure your partne...Important note on safewords: make sure your partner doesn't forget what the safeword is. I said 'yellow' when my boyfriend was spanking me, and he forgot it meant "slow down" and just thought I was fucking around with counting the blows (given I had also counted the blows as 'fish' and 'twelve part two', that wasn't an unwarranted assumption). Thankfully he read my body language and slowed down, and was properly apologetic once we'd sorted out the problem later. <br /><br />But still! Definitely a concern.Ozymandiashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08410555827569922830noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-46112451568394740642011-05-13T17:21:49.715-04:002011-05-13T17:21:49.715-04:00Yeah, that's pretty much the opposite of a goo...Yeah, that's pretty much the opposite of a good person.<br /><br />I will say though, that I don't dig the "safeword"...seriously, it's gonna be like me when I think of a password for a new site. "Oh, that's a good password!" Then the next time I visit, I'm there fishing for words and codes I'd probably use for an hour or 3. I think the "STOP" method is perfect for anything that isn't rape play.<br /><br />Rambly rambly I be. Good write, Holly. Bro-fist.RoboCophttp://i.annihil.us/u/prod/marvel//universe3zx/images/thumb/e/e7/Moon_Knight_Head.jpg/406px-Moon_Knight_Head.jpgnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-49290032892276270262011-05-13T16:45:59.402-04:002011-05-13T16:45:59.402-04:00Safeword Anon - What that partner did was not okay...Safeword Anon - What that partner did was <i>not</i> okay and <i>not</i> explained by the lack of a safeword. Merely engaging in BDSM doesn't mean you're doing nonconsent play; unless <i>specifically agreed</i> otherwise, no still means no.<br /><br />A safeword is good, but don't think that was your mistake for not using one. It wasn't.Cliff Pervocracyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-29369433270439731472011-05-13T16:39:48.819-04:002011-05-13T16:39:48.819-04:00Holly, I said this on the post that got eaten, so ...Holly, I said this on the post that got eaten, so I'll say it again here, this series has been enormously helpful to me! I've met a number of new people in my local bdsm scene, and started exploring my fetishes and making new friends and it's wonderful and liberating! I've always been interested, but shy and nervous and uncertain how to begin. You've really helped me out.<br /><br />Thank you so much! =DSarahnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-74753558275992024532011-05-13T16:24:13.918-04:002011-05-13T16:24:13.918-04:00I definitely agree that there should be a safeword...I definitely agree that there should be a safeword in place at all times. I don't do consensual nonconsent, so I thought I didn't need one.<br /><br />Long story short, a partner I trusted ignored the words "I'm really uncomfortable right now", which were followed by "no, in a BAD way", which were followed by "no, I don't want to do that". And afterward, when he'd done what he wanted to do and realized I'd just been silently crying the whole time, he asked me why I hadn't said stop.<br /><br />So yeah, have a safeword. Because apparently we don't all agree on what indicates a lack of consent.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-68721627874750221072011-05-13T15:44:38.737-04:002011-05-13T15:44:38.737-04:00Anon - Tell the host of the party or a dungeon mon...Anon - Tell the host of the party or a dungeon monitor/greeter/whatever sort of authority is around.<br /><br />I wouldn't interrupt a scene in progress unless it was <i>really really</i> dangerous, like they were tying a slipknot around someone's neck and throwing it over a ceiling beam. If there's any "maybe" at all to it (especially if you're new; it took me a while to realize, for instance, that a limb changing color slightly in bondage is not a disaster), ask someone who seems like an authority rather than interrupting the scene.Cliff Pervocracyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-24872255428085082522011-05-13T15:35:25.832-04:002011-05-13T15:35:25.832-04:00Suppose you are a bystander and notice something t...Suppose you are a bystander and notice something that seems genuinely unsafe. How would you point this out?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-18462843656933432862011-05-12T16:15:38.095-04:002011-05-12T16:15:38.095-04:00I just want to let you know that your BDSM educati...I just want to let you know that your BDSM education posts have been enormously helpful to me. Particularly the tip about getting on fetlife. I've met some really cool people, and had some fun times.<br /><br />Thanks so much!Sarahnoreply@blogger.com