tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post4807873031844774338..comments2024-03-22T05:55:48.117-04:00Comments on The Pervocracy: Everyone else is doing it... right?Cliff Pervocracyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comBlogger116125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-60019263196073006672013-02-24T12:01:00.643-05:002013-02-24T12:01:00.643-05:00I got this as a woman and didn't realise it wa...I got this as a woman and didn't realise it wasn't true until I'd already had one (unsuccessful) attempt at losing my virginity (my body just refused to become aroused no matter how much I told it to, so I gave up.) <br /><br />It's a good way to make someone not realise that they're a lesbian though, because if nobody is attracted to men then the fact that you aren't attracted to them and like women instead doesn't mean you're not straight. <br /><br />Well done on overcoming that yourself, though - it took me years and years. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-44472761548069737422013-01-05T15:24:27.638-05:002013-01-05T15:24:27.638-05:00I was repeatedly molested by classmates right in f...I was repeatedly molested by classmates right in front of my teacher in kindergarten and first grade, in addition to the constantly escalating verbal and physical violence and sexual harassment I was subjected to until I changed schools in the ninth grade. Again, most of this happened in front of teachers. And when our PE teacher was reported for inappropriate touching and peeking at the girls when we changed clothes, the principal didn't believe us, and refused to even buy us a curtain for the changing room. <br /><br />If actually seeing children get beaten, groped, verbally abused to the point of tears doesn't clue teachers in that maybe these children are being abused, I really don't know what will. There seems to be this idea that abuse is only real if the perpetrator is an adult. But that is just not true, and the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse of children by their peers needs to be taken much more seriously. Lanthirhttp://lanthir.etsy.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-75473913603320266222013-01-05T14:33:02.064-05:002013-01-05T14:33:02.064-05:00This whole post is full of stuff I should've k...This whole post is full of stuff I should've known (seriously my last partner loved me-on-top and i can't bounce up and down forever either! and I never knew I could do it differently!) and things articulated perfectly. I had a friend in middle school- we used to spend the night at each other's houses probably 2-3 times a month and spend almost every weekend together. We both said it was because our mom's were really mean, but they would be nice when friends were around. My mom and I got into arguments a lot because we both are conflict seekers- when we're upset, we fight with people- and it always got out of hand. (we've both separately received therapy for how to manage negative emotions and are much better now, by the way.) My friend's mom was an alcoholic who threw chairs at her father and threatened people with knives.<br /><br />I assumed my friend's mom was like mine, and she wanted to take refuge at my house to avoid yelling fights like I did when I went to hers. I was wrong. She never knew that anything was different. She assumed that everyone's moms had a bit much to drink and got violent. Because that's the story her dad told her- mom has had too much to drink, it's nothing to worry about. It wasn't until my friend was hospitalized for anorexia, her mother forced into AA, and her dad moved to London after divorcing her mom that she realized that this wasn't what everyone else faced.<br /><br />Basically, in short, I agree with this post entirely.Chelseanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-9622300632429431802012-12-31T11:06:52.678-05:002012-12-31T11:06:52.678-05:00RE: guy criticizing you for not bouncing up and do...RE: guy criticizing you for not bouncing up and down.<br /><br />That's crazy.<br /><br />Up and down is a good way to cause some inadvertent serious penis damage. As a guy, I applaud you.<br /><br />I still have memories of trying to bridge my hips up every time a partner went up to try and keep contact to avoid us becoming uncoupled and having her slam down on me at a painful angle.<br /><br />Dan_Brodribbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14026291343082142533noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-57672752165303424992012-12-30T15:44:37.550-05:002012-12-30T15:44:37.550-05:00My mum took that to interesting and extreme levels...My mum took that to interesting and extreme levels - by repeatedly suggesting that I'd been switched at birth and actually wasn't her child when I did anything she didn't like (like say not making eye contact when I'm autistic and partially sighted). I watched the Disney movie "Tangled" recently and cried because I spent my childhood enduring abuse waiting for my magical "real mother" to discover me and switch me back and love me unconditionally. And it never happened and never will.Yet another anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-46730272764740679822012-12-24T10:54:40.228-05:002012-12-24T10:54:40.228-05:00Um... Please tell me that was a regrettable gramma...Um... Please tell me that was a regrettable grammar snafu, and that you realize that atheists are NOT a subgroup of "non-conservative Christians"? The distinction is fairly massive.<br />That said, I appreciate your sentiment. It's not an easy thing to reevaluate what you've been told your entire life. I'm glad to know there's one more person out there who doesn't think I'm scary!<br />Also, YES to grinding hips when on top! I always thought I was just horrible at being on top (and avoided it because of it), until my bf guided me through the non-athletic way! It's better for both of us, it's more intimate, and let's be honest, it's WAY more attractive to look at than someone furiously squatting above you! I love you Cliff, you always make me feel normal. No wait... Good :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-11037118445365081522012-12-23T10:04:34.845-05:002012-12-23T10:04:34.845-05:00I just kinda wandered in here, so please excuse me...I just kinda wandered in here, so please excuse me if my comments are similar to those made elsewhere in the blog, but this post in particular echoes with me and got me to thinking about the relationship between childhood experiences and kink. <br /><br />I appreciate that this might be somewhat uncomfortable to think about but I've often wondered if being subject to both active and passive abuse as a child is the reason why I feel the need to be humiliated now. I'm sure I'm not the first person to make that link. I'm not involved in any community and know from conversations with those around me that they on the whole have quite simple sex lives, or maybe they're just less up-front than I am. Or judgemental. They also had 'ordinary' childhoods and are largely good people. <br /><br />I spent most of my 20s so stoned I didn't have to think and my 30s getting well. Kink has become/is becoming a foundation stone of my stability, and I've been fortunate enough to have a partner who is both accommodating and adventurous enough to compliment my own interests. I was 31 before I realised that I could find a partner like that. Ironically, being humiliated makes me feel much better about myself...who'd have figured that? <br /><br />I was present at my father's death, indeed I feel somewhat guilty for it, whilst my mother I cannot stand to be in the company of for more than a few minutes. I've always struggled with the whole abuser/parent conundrum. The narcissistic family label particularly interests me, I come from a big family and the demands of our parents certainly produced a dog-eat-dog environment, the harm done between siblings in such a situation can be almost as damaging as the direct harm done by the parents. That said, because I'm lucky enough to have a child of my own now, as might be expected I've gained a whole extra level of insight. It's unfair (on them and yourself) to expect your parents to be perfect, and everyone has 'issues' of one sort or another. Kids don't come with a manual...which is particularly tricky for people who were dragged up. <br /><br />That said, one of the most important things for me to learn was that I have a<br />choice not to become my parents, whereas, whenever you hear about a perpetrator that has themselves been a victim of abuse as a child (as many abusers have) society almost kinda nods it's head and says 'uh-huh' like it was bound to happen. Nobody accidentally physically or sexually abuses their children, though people can be so self-obsessed they neglect them or force them into doing things that are about the parent rather than the child. Nobody abuses their children because they themselves were abused. Being a kid is difficult enough without somebody treating you badly. As a society we need to start valuing children as individuals rather than treating them as property and we should be nurturing them in an intelligent manner. <br /><br />Oh, and that bouncy up n down stuff? I didn't realise people even worried about that shit!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-79831701935673708972012-12-22T22:14:05.354-05:002012-12-22T22:14:05.354-05:00I hope you will one day make your main point about...I hope you will one day make your main point about the abuse, because that was my life as a kid and I hope to one day hear another's perspective on what it's like living like that.Gloriahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09488037719105854429noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-70384583581225769562012-12-22T18:13:53.036-05:002012-12-22T18:13:53.036-05:00One of the most horrible things about abuse is tha...One of the most horrible things about abuse is that it's so easy to pretend it's not real. REAL abuse is _______, so what you're experiencing can't be REAL abuse since it's not THAT bad. And the thing is that there's always something worse. Right up until it's so bad the kid dies, there's always something worse. But some people will twist that around to say if there's something worse out there then you should be happy with whatever you've got, no matter how screwed up it is. Baytreenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-37137734432730651742012-12-18T22:30:47.611-05:002012-12-18T22:30:47.611-05:00To be fair, I don't believe that all spanking ...To be fair, I don't believe that <i>all</i> spanking is abuse. Open-handed spanking on the bottom, as a <b>last resort only</b>, isn't abuse. Spanking as a go-to form of discipline is a bad idea, and that BS the Pearls call "spanking" is just flat-out child abuse, period.<br /><br />It's the things he said when he spanked me. The yelling, and the anger.Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15116805850923318070noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-90867893817247246722012-12-15T01:15:54.366-05:002012-12-15T01:15:54.366-05:00I've always fancied different more jobs instea...I've always fancied different more jobs instead of the same old more jobs. ;)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-36644613258575234532012-12-14T18:21:55.711-05:002012-12-14T18:21:55.711-05:00The last guy I had sex with criticized my on-top s...The last guy I had sex with criticized my on-top style b/c I didn't bounce straight up and down ... I was both super pissed off and crushed at the same time. It's been a few months since that incident, so now I am just super pissed off. I mean, he's not required to be aroused by every single way I move, but still, ... I dumped him b/c I didn't like how he had sex, either.<br /><br />I grew up knowing that other people's fathers didn't hit their mothers, but knowing that didn't help anything. As a kid, I had a dream that she would divorce him and we would go live with her. As an adult, I know that single-motherhood on a secretary's salary wouldn't have worked out that well. She did eventually divorce him, and eventually even that worked out well. A therapist suggested that I should have been calling the cops on my dad every time he hit my mom, and again, with my adult perspective, first of all, the hell? The kid is supposed to be in charge of these things? And, calling the cops also doesn't always work out that well, and it's not always the immediately right decision. Sooo, what to do?<br /><br />With your adult perspective, if you had known you were being abused, what do you think your options would have been? I'm genuinely curious, b/c I have no idea what my options were.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-7803111559966924722012-12-14T16:52:52.352-05:002012-12-14T16:52:52.352-05:00And that's where I finally saw another woman t...And that's where I finally saw another woman that DOESN"T use her hands at all to masturbate, and instead used a bolster or roll of fabric and laid on her stomach while humping/grinding. I've done it that way since I was a tiny girl, (seriously, I remember doing it that way when I was probably 4 or 5 yrs old), and still don't really enjoy the sensations of directly touching my own clit (I have ZERO problem with handling any part of my body, but it's just not horn-reducing for me)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-54157172232027045992012-12-14T16:48:04.483-05:002012-12-14T16:48:04.483-05:00holy crap. Label or not, I have just understood a...holy crap. Label or not, I have just understood a WHOLE HUGE LOT about what the fuck is going on in a dysfunctional family I have the dubious pleasure of being involved with. And yes....it makes some MORE of the "wtf?" moments make sense (not that it makes them less wtf, just that I have an idea of WHY they are so wtf)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-60833974032109955872012-12-14T16:42:48.677-05:002012-12-14T16:42:48.677-05:00No it isn't ever EVER too late to know that wh...No it isn't ever EVER too late to know that what happened in your first family wasn't necessarily ok. Too late to change things in future between the family members, sure, but not too late to help the people struggling in the aftermath.<br /><br />Being validated in some of my own anger towards how I was parented by what seems to be a sane, functional couple was immensely helpful in healing or at least addressing....because the anger was also part of the shame of not being "ok" and "appreciative", and anger was "never" ok....but actually it is. And finally hearing that what had happened was deserving of the emotion "anger" helped with setting boundaries that I had never been able to set before. My anger was always ALWAYS the "cause" of the problem or the fight, or my mother's tears or my father's own anger. It was NEVER a valid reaction to an unfair accusation, or an impossible situation, or an injustice, or whatever.....only it was. And I was in my 40's before I found out that I hadn't been wrong _all_ those times.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-79074238953262807062012-12-14T12:31:13.443-05:002012-12-14T12:31:13.443-05:00""My parents spank me sometimes?" I...""My parents spank me sometimes?" In Ala-fucking-bama? What else, Princess, is the sky fucking BLUE?"<br /><br />I just... ugh. Don't have the words to form an eloquent response right now, but I'm so sick of this attitude. It's fucking horrifying. "I can assault my children because that's just what people do around here."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-65038125925636009472012-12-14T10:38:31.984-05:002012-12-14T10:38:31.984-05:00I'm still not sure if what I experienced at ho...I'm still not sure if what I experienced at home was abuse. But I sure can relate to feeling a lot of the things other people have written about feeling here.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-90907020499274948962012-12-14T03:48:40.377-05:002012-12-14T03:48:40.377-05:00That was my mother, too. :/ She's somewhat bet...That was my mother, too. :/ She's somewhat better these days, but it's too little, too late - I still believe it wasn't me she loved, but some fantasy child. I would only get love whenever I happened to emulate the fantasy.<br /><br />-FishgoatAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-25383416019648272272012-12-14T03:01:41.265-05:002012-12-14T03:01:41.265-05:00I was sexually abused when I was a little kid. Bu...I was sexually abused when I was a little kid. But it had only happened once, and I personally wasn't touched (I had to touch him). But I thought that I shouldn't feel bad about it because it happens to everyone, and they manage to survive. And they probably had it worse than me. So I'm just being silly for feeling bad about it. Also, I'd verbally consented. It was an accident, I misspoke. So if I hadn't misspoken, it'd be fine and I'd have had it better than most everyone else. Because I thought everyone else had been sexually abused too, probably more than once, and they'd probably actually said no. I said "no," but the question was "Are you uncomfortable?"<br /><br />But yeah, it surprised me to learn that some people didn't have similar experiences.Bennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-26927914859617187742012-12-13T20:50:47.940-05:002012-12-13T20:50:47.940-05:00I have always dreamed of a career in copy pasting....I have always dreamed of a career in copy pasting. And clicking. Actually I minored in clicking in college, more to it than you'd think...hummingbearnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-53910930619858810972012-12-13T18:46:46.829-05:002012-12-13T18:46:46.829-05:00This really got to me: "When I was a kid, I u...This really got to me: "When I was a kid, I used to go over to friend's houses and notice that their parents never seemed to bully them or hit them." When I was 11, in 7th grade, I had dinner at a friend's house; the first time I can remember having dinner anywhere that wasn't my parents' house or my grandparents'. And I was astounded to realize that at my friend's house, when the kids were hurt or needed comforting or needed some calomine lotion on their poison ivy, the adults thought it was the responsibility of the adults to take care of the kids. And I was so used to taking care of myself and not expecting the adults around me to take care of me - because no one did - that I freaked a little, inside, and didn't know what to do when my friend's mom put calomine on my poison ivy. And I've kind of always had trouble receiving help or comfort or whatever from other people - and I'm 65 now. So it's really important to talk about this stuff, whether it's the emotional distance thing or the how you do sex thing, or whatever. Talk about your experience and figure out what's your assumptions. LynnAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-47079175914980426302012-12-13T15:57:05.130-05:002012-12-13T15:57:05.130-05:00Cliff how do you always know the right thing to wr...Cliff how do you always know the right thing to write? Your post got to me on both topics. I had been wondering just earlier today what was wrong with me because trying to do the bouncy thing hurts my legs. Also, the not knowing that what is going on at home is not normal, I was there too. I never really saw any happy families growing up (just good actors) and my family sucked. To this day I can't really get it in my mind that there is such a thing a parents who love their children. TO me when a parent says "I love you" it's code for, "how can I give you just enough comfort so I can continue to abuse you without you figuring out that this is fucked up?" Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-5513031451017110162012-12-13T11:27:41.063-05:002012-12-13T11:27:41.063-05:00Most recent anon - Oh God, I know exactly what you...Most recent anon - Oh God, I know exactly what you mean.<br /><br />My mom loved me very much, if love means "wanting another to be perfect and successful." She sincerely wanted these things for me and she worked and sacrificed a lot to try to give them to me.<br /><br />But she had no understanding of the part of love that involves valuing anything about a person as they are <i>now</i>, or accepting if their ideas of perfection and success differ from yours.<br /><br />The message I always got was "I'm going to make you happy, even if I have to make you miserable to do it!" Which plays perfectly into those "you'll be grateful when you're older, you'll realize it was love all along" narratives. Except that now I'm older and I'm really, really not grateful.Cliff Pervocracyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02080142422250604406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-71422062830720123052012-12-13T10:18:36.952-05:002012-12-13T10:18:36.952-05:00This post, and your Cosmocking posts, have really ...This post, and your Cosmocking posts, have really made it clear to me how heavily our culture emphasizes *not talking* to the people in our lives. Not just our partners and parents, but our friends and co-workers, as well. One of my biggest complaints throughout most of my life (and strongest reasons to maintain my introvert personality) is that people are not "straight" with one another. I see so many people, in real life as well as both mainstream media and porn, continue to maintain the attitude that people *shouldn't* just talk to one another and be explicit about what they feel and think. I have no aptitude or patience for the game-playing and manipulation, or the notion of somehow just knowing what someone else is thinking/feeling, that media like Cosmo encourage.<br /><br />It wouldn't occur to me...it has never occurred to me...that I shouldn't or couldn't just say, in the middle of sex, or dinner, or shopping, or just sitting on the couch watching TV, "Do you like this? Would you rather do something different? I'm open to discussion, in fact, I *welcome* discussion. I want to know how you really feel and what you really think, and I want to share my feelings and thoughts with you, and I want this because I care about you and not my mental image of who you should be."<br /><br />I credit my parents with this notion - they weren't great at doing it with each other, but they were always frank with me and my siblings.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2770580070906411828.post-87645032803048860132012-12-13T09:56:23.380-05:002012-12-13T09:56:23.380-05:00"people need to be more explicit about what t..."people need to be more explicit about what they mean when they tell kids to talk to people if they're being abused."<br /><br />Being explicit about what constitutes abusive behavior, as well as the warning signs for child abuse, is taught (in the US, at least) to people going into early childhood education (pre-grade school). It is not usually taught to grade school teachers, and school counselors often get even less training (not to mention counselors are overworked and underpaid as well).<br /><br />But in addition to a lack of education for the people who spend the most amount of time with children other than their parents/guardians, for people who have not experienced abuse, the sheer scope and range of abuse can be very nearly incomprehensible. I was in my early 30's when, in conversation with my supervisor and a co-worker, I was utterly shocked at the childhood stories they told that they saw as completely normal. To me, the things they spoke about were almost inconceivable. My childhood was not idyllic, and my parents had their issues, but I can honestly say that I was *never* abused in any way.<br /><br />I had a friend in college who told me about the awful things her mother said to her on a daily basis. My friend knew that her mother was emotionally abusive. But although I believed her, I didn't really understand until I visited her at home and heard her mother say these horrible things to her - right in front of me!<br /><br />My mother is - and has been - very insistent for years that teachers need more training to spot children who are being abused, because children often *don't know they're being abused*. A person's own childhood instills in them the sense of what constitutes a normal childhood, so you've never seen abuse firsthand, it can be very hard to spot even when it's right in front of you. <br /><br />The amount of school bullying that goes on is appalling. I never experienced or saw anything more than nasty words (which can be bad enough), but I certainly experienced the fact that even good teachers are capable of completely overlooking blatant bullying. The physical violence that goes on in some schools shows that far too many teachers are extremely negligent.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com