Benny's looking for a "real" girlfriend. Apparently I don't count, because I was too upfront about wanting sex, thus making me not appear to be a "quality" woman. He actually used that word.
I can't object to him seeking another partner, but I can't believe his fucking Madonna/whore complex. He seems to believe that a woman has to withhold sex (and then, once she finally cracks, withhold kinky sex) to be quality. Which I don't understand, because he's got a ridiculous sex drive and is extremely kinky. So what does he want?
A woman with a geniune low libido? She'd drive him nuts. I can't imagine him being happy in an exclusive relationship with someone who will never, ever fuck him the way he wants.
A woman with a high libido who plays games and pretends she doesn't want it? Sounds healthy. I guess this is what I'm supposed to do, but dammit, why? If I want what you've got and vice versa, why does it enhance my quality to make you jump through hoops?
And I notice that he thinks he's quality because he's got a good education and a successful job, even though, shit, he gave it up on the first date! Why doesn't doing that invalidate him as a person?
I'm mad at Benny. And I'm going to fuck him anyway. I guess that really is low-quality. Maybe we can do a scene where I tie him down, strip, tease him to erection, and then very slowly and loudly explain sex-positive feminism to his stupid face.
Personally, I wouldn't sleep with someone like that (not to punish him, more because I'm not generally attracted to misogynist assholes, no matter how good they are in bed). I gotta say that your scenario sounds like a pretty good second, though.
ReplyDeleteAnd who knows, maybe you can get him to think about sex-positivity in a new light, if only through Pavlovian response.
I gotta say, though, it makes me sad when you try to insert logic into these social questions. There's just no way that's going to work.
Aebhel - the few times in my life I've tried to withhold sex to manipulate guys, I cracked before they did. (Usually within the hour.) I'm really just withholding it from myself.
ReplyDeleteAnd hell, maybe this is working out in my favor, I just hope he still has my phone number when his high-quality pure girlfriend finds his gigantic fucking porn collection.
Yeah, I think the problem is that I don't really have the right emotional responses to these things. I don't find sex subconsciously disgusting, so I'm unable to form a proper morality about it. I try to work from things like "actual harms and benefits" and keep forgetting that sex is apparently somehow both.
DTMFA. Find someone new to play with.
ReplyDeleteSee, attitudes like that are Just What Is Wrong With This Country. It's people like you who keep the Evil Homosexuals and Other Perverts in business.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I just got off the phone with a very dear but very religiously conservative friend and I'm finding myself consumed with the urge to run around screaming, "IT'S JUST SEX, DAMMIT!"
I think what bugs me about this story is the notion that (and I could be misunderstanding this) that Jon would rather have sex with a woman who doesn't really want him but will do it anyway than with a woman who actually wants to have sex with him. Which is, um, insane.
Bruno - You're right, I know you're right, and I'm not going to, at least not right away. Bird in the hand and all that, even if it is the Northern Crested Douchebag.
ReplyDeleteAebhel - I think Jon's concept is actually more like "I can have sex with a dirty slut who wants sex, but I can only have a romantic relationship with a Respectable Woman who doesn't want sex."
Because sluts don't deserve love (*sniffle*) and being with a woman who's a terrible match for your actual desires is very romantic.
If Jon's not willing to have two girlfriends, that's not a very well-considered long-term life plan. Even the European aristocracy of the Victorian period had mistresses.
ReplyDeleteAebhel - I think there's some vague theory there that once he breaks down her virginal innocence she will turn out to secretly be a sex maniac for him and him alone, because... uh... because that's how it works, right?
ReplyDeleteYeah, declaring "Sex and romance are OPPOSITES!" is working out about as well for him as it is for Society.
Oh, and may I point out once again, just for emphasis, that I have been knuckle deep in this romantic-virtuous-pure man's butthole.
ReplyDelete1. Thank goodness for Brandon.
ReplyDelete2. Honestly, Holly, you sound like a great catch and if Jon can't see that, a woman with your libido should be able to easily (and quickly) replace him. I'm sure his tune would change if you just started fucking someone else.
So, if there's voting on this island, I'd vote Jon off and vote some new piece on. Heck, there can even be overlap.
Bottom line: You can't offend the woman you're fucking if you intend to continue.
It also sounds as if you need to reconsider whether you want to continue with only fuckbuddies or whether you need to find a mushbuddy.
ReplyDeleteScott - 1. Indeed. Except that he's incredibly boring in bed. Seriously, I like the guy so I try not to overcriticize it, but I really don't want him to be my only partner.
ReplyDelete2. Aww, thanks. I have been thinking about finding a third/replacement but it's slower going as my requirements are kinda stringent this time--"funny-looking but incredibly horny girl seeks BDSM dominant under 30 for whipping, candlelit dinners, buttsex, occasional shoulder to have insecurity attacks on. Must be intelligent, respectful, good with knots."
Sadly, though, the only person with a vote on this island is me, and I'm crazy, so Jon stays on the island until he does something really bad or I find another man who's good with the hitty.
Bruno - Brandon kinda is my mushbuddy these days--although he's not big on the explicit romantic gestures he's always up for hours of cuddling and talking and backrubs and general nonsexual coupley things. And he doesn't say stupid shit about "quality" women.
But sex with him is like humping a teddy bear--it's cute and cuddly but really not much of a ride. And every time you propose an act wilder than vanilla missionary under the covers, the teddy bear very politely and sex-positively tells you he has no problem with that stuff but it's just not for him, okay?
You need a teddy bear who will tie you up, too.
ReplyDeleteIt's a shame that there seems to be such a fine line between BDSM doms and sexist assholes. At least in my experience.
Peculiar and yucky of him. I can understand "I don't think of you that way, because I think of you as a fuckbuddy," without a sense that 'fuckbuddy' is bad or wrong, but with a sense that it can be tough to move from one relationship category to another. Or even, less politely, "I adore the sex we have together, and I don't think we're socially compatible." Which is a nagging problem--that it's hard to find someone who is just right for you in many different ways. (Which is why I'm polyamorous--but this isn't about me, is it?)
ReplyDeleteHis reasoning about quality people is odd, or at least he's expressing it very poorly. I do, however, think it's perfectly reasonable for him to look for a "real" girlfriend, and to claim that you don't count as a "real" girlfriend, if you and he defined your relationship as fuckbuddyish.
But m., I would point out that it's icky and heartless to assume that after the two of them have been at all of their fun, perhaps it invalidates her as being a possible "quality" partner. He must know her after tying her up all these times.
ReplyDeleteI've had fuckbuddies that I didn't tie up (to be truthful, I've never tied anyone up -- part of Holly's appeal) who I knew were real women who might like me more than just for the fucking. And I KNOW that the reverse was true. Had my heart busted a little when I pushed too hard.
I think the issue (to me, at least) is more of her feelings. Maybe neither of them wants it, but to flat out say it is just rude.
And now, I'm off to convince my wife that she's not exhausted after a long weekend with her extended family in eastern TN and that what she really needs to relax is... Well, you read this blog, right? :)
M. and Scott - the issue is not him seeking a girlfriend. That shouldn't bother me. (Does a little, because I'm bad like that. But I've got no grounds to complain considering my two-timin' ways.)
ReplyDeleteThe issue is him saying that I'm unsuitable not because of personality differences or anything, but because I slept with him too easily and too enthusiastically. That's the bullshit part.
to be perfectly honest, he doesn't sound like a very good person to be around actually - even if it is just for sex purposes.
ReplyDeleteThat line about the northern crested douchebag makes me laugh my ass off.
ReplyDelete