Carrie Underwood on the cover. Yeek. I freakin' hate Carrie Underwood and if you follow this link or this one you will begin to understand why. (God helps those who help themselves. And your last name is Underwood, doofus.) The words "TABOO SEX" are on the cover in rather too large a font and bold a color considering this thing gets shelved at the supermarket. "Mommy, what's 'taboo sex'?"
(Yeah, I value free expression over innocence, and given the power I wouldn't make the editors change their cover, but I still don't like it.)
The notion of "going steady" is as antiquated to today's 20somethings as the phrase itself--dating on university campuses is all but extinct.
...Buh? I'm in my twenties, I've been to college, and... uh, yeah, people date and have relationships. I'm pretty sure about this one.
Girls who sit at the bar come across as validation junkies. They want to get hit on and then deny guys all night to make up for low self-esteem.
Dammit, you're ruining it for those of us who sit at the bar to get hit on and say yes. Not to mention the girls who sit at the bar because they're just relaxing, or their friends are over there, or they're talking to the bartender, or otherwise being normal human beings. I swear, denying men sex really isn't that popular a hobby.
Men are anesthetized to mild degrees of naughty, so they crave kicking things up a notch--by role-playing, participating in light bondage, or trying other slightly risqué tricks.
I'm pretty sure that "light" bondage (there's a heavy kind? heaven forfend!) and being "slightly risqué" are mild. But my bigger gripe with this statement is the implication--and it's an unsettlingly common one in the vanilla world--that kink is a response to numbness. That freaks get beaten because they can't feel anything else. BULLSHIT. Horrible, condescending, clinicalizing, other-izing bullshit. I, and every other kinky person I know, get turned on by kissing. I love having my neck rubbed and running my fingers through a man's hair and making love cheek to cheek. I just also love being belt-whipped until I cry.
When he's close to climax during girl-on-top sex and you're arched over him with your breasts in his face, suddenly lean back and widen your legs. Not only will his penis feel a different sensation, but the visual shock of seeing your hottest body part up close and personal will totally thrill him.
People may vary on this one, but in my experience, when your partner is close to climax the best thing you can do for them is exactly what you were doing. At that point, any sudden change in angle/speed/pressure is at best going to derail the Orgasm Train and at worst lead to painful slipping-out misthrusts. Also, no matter which way you lean I don't think it's possible to show your vagina to his face while it is also on his dick. Physics.
Be a Little Kinky:You can raise the bad-girl bar without flying your freak flag. Anything that's somewhat taboo (pretending that you're strangers, for example) makes a guy feel like he's being naughty, which is very exciting.
What is with this fixation on being a tiny eensy smidge kinky? There's certainly nothing wrong with light kink if that's the way you play, but this article's constant repetition of "no, no, this isn't the bad scary freaky kind of kink" comes off as a condemnation of people who aren't bunnyfur light.
Also, I notice the basic theme of the article is that kink is for the man's benefit, and the tips on playing as light as possible are basically ways to satisfy his evil desires without enduring too much pain. The idea that a woman could herself want to dominate or submit is not addressed anywhere in this four-page cover article on kink.
During dinner with friends, fondle him under the table. He'll have to work hard to control himself and not respond to your touches so no one knows what's going on.
Um, ew. Let's not use our friends in our sex life without their knowledge, m'kay? (Also, it might turn out like this. Only Owen Wilson won't be there to save your ass.)
Swap your usual one-note body spray for a subtle fragrance with oriental, musk, amber, or gardenia notes--they'll tap into his craving for variety in your relationship. When he notices, reply "Hey, I'm just full of surprises, aren't I?"
HAHAHAHA like he'll even notice HAHAHHA full of surprises right HAHAHHAHA oh man HAHAHAHA can't breathe HAHAHAHA laughing too HAHAHAHA okay I need some water now.
"Before we started dating, my honey would go out almost every night of the week. So I started throwing parties at his place, and at some point during the night, I'd pull him into the bathroom or closet to kiss him or show him the lacy undies I was wearing. It made him wish everyone else would leave! If he went out with his buddies, I'd send him sexy text messaves that made him want to rush home. After a while, he realized that being with me was all the good time he wanted."
Hey, congratulations on ruining a social life! I bet his friends are... "just jealous," is that how you justify it to yourself? Anyway, I hope they're willing to take him back once the novelty of your poonani runs out and you start resorting to harsher tactics to maintain your monopoly.
My boyfriend knows I'm insecure, yet sometimes he slips and talks about how hot someone is or mentions porn. He says I'm stupid for getting upset, but why would he care about others when he has me?
Oy, another one from the "monogamy means monopoly" camp. Fortunately, Cosmo has the answer: stare at other guys in front of him and see how he likes that! How deliciously kindergarten.
Well Holly, I've got nothing to add.
ReplyDeleteI think you've hit the nail on the head here.
But really... who would expect a MSM outfit to even acknowledge a non-mainstream culture in anything but a Foo Foo Bunny light? I mean... sounds to me like they were about one heartbeat away from selling the Mickey Mouse & Friends (tm) Light Bondage Set; complete with corporate sponsored safety words and a pain-free cat-o-nine-tails made of feathers or some such.
Bah. Bugger them.
And not in a good way.
This made me snort tea up my nose. I love you.
ReplyDeleteI'm really confused and a little depressed at the thought of women who find sending a sexy text to their partner kinky... WTF are these women usually like in bed? Do they just lie there with their hands over their eyes and try to pretend it's not happening?
I really hate the underlying tone of Cosmo's sex advice - sex is bad and dirty and you're not supposed to like doing it, so here are some ways to pretend that you do to please your man. Because we all know that insincerity is super-sexy.
...Buh? I'm in my twenties, I've been to college, and... uh, yeah, people date and have relationships. I'm pretty sure about this one.
ReplyDeleteEh, they've been saying that one since I was there. And people had "steady" relationships then, too - not so much with the dating, because the structure of formal dating doesn't fit well with poor people who see each other on a regular basis.
Girls who sit at the bar come across as validation junkies. They want to get hit on and then deny guys all night to make up for low self-esteem.
Who's writing this, and for whom? That's the kind of idiocy I typically expect from said guys as a defense mechanism - i.e., "it's not that I'm unattractive - men aren't attractive - it's that all the women were just there for the validation."
and it's an unsettlingly common one in the vanilla world--that kink is a response to numbness.
Well, in the vanilla world one's most likely to find kink in a context like this: appropriating sexuality and selling it back to people. It's inducing numbness and then selling a packaged form of kink as a cure to that.
What is with this fixation on being a tiny eensy smidge kinky?
I think of this as the Rick James phenomenon (in that it reminds me of how I can't stop smirking at the lyric "incense, wine and candles / it's such a freaky scene"). Um, sure.
I bet perfume advertisers are responsible for the stupid gardenia fragrance advice. Cosmo writers are probably told to mention how perfume can enhance readers' sex lives every 2,000 words.
ReplyDeletestare at other guys in front of him and see how he likes that!
ReplyDeleteOh God. Because A) If he loooooves you, he shouldn't possibly want anyone else! B) Of course HE will want someone else- men are pigs! C) You couldn't possibly be looking at men because you, you know, like looking at men. D) (and this one is the very best of all) You want your boyfriend to turn into the kind of jealous monster who tries to control what you LOOK AT. Cause that's a recipe for domestic bliss.
Girls who sit at the bar come across as validation junkies. They want to get hit on and then deny guys all night to make up for low self-esteem.
ReplyDeleteNow that's just snotty. Like a cosmo girl should never been seen sitting at a bar because that's trashy. On the other hand, that article will probably clear out more bar space for the ones that do want to say yes.
That freaks get beaten because they can't feel anything else
That IS bullshit. Add me to the list that can get turned on equally to the lightest kiss or hardest slap.
Urg, things like this just...I don't get it. I guess I was under the impression that sex is all about doing things that you (and hopefully your partner[s]) enjoy. So if you're into kink, do it and if not...don't! How hard is that?
ReplyDeleteThe kink-in-response-to-numbness thing makes no sense at all. First of all, I don't think most people have sex because it's soooo naughty; they have sex because it feels good. People do not generally develop callouses over their sexual organs and if they did, I can't see that fluff-bunny vanilla kink is going to help.
I haven't even read the post yet, I just thought I'd let you know that I saw a new Cosmo at the Walgreen's last night with "Taboo Sex Acts" on the cover and the first thing I thought was "I've gotta check Pervocracy--this oughta be good."
ReplyDeleteYou're my go-to source for snark about a women's magazine I don't read. No need to say thanks; an autographed Cosmo cover would be fine.
OK, I read it. Yup, that was good stuff.
ReplyDelete"Also, no matter which way you lean I don't think it's possible to show your vagina to his face while it is also on his dick. Physics."
ReplyDeleteAlso also I don't think most guys would be shocked to see a vagina. "Oh is THAT what I was sticking my dick in? Boy was *I* wrong!"
"Swap your usual one-note body spray for a subtle fragrance with oriental, musk, amber, or gardenia notes--they'll tap into his craving for variety in your relationship. When he notices, reply "Hey, I'm just full of surprises, aren't I?""
I just imagine this conversation going like this:
"Oh did you get a new perfume?"
"Hey, I'm just full of surprises, aren't I?"
"... I... guess?"
"My boyfriend knows I'm insecure, yet sometimes he slips and talks about how hot someone is or mentions porn. He says I'm stupid for getting upset, but why would he care about others when he has me?"
Two things: 1) 'sometimes he slips and speaks his mind.' 2) Yes, you're stupid for getting upset. 3) (in accordance with #2 I'm fairly sure you still think this is just 2 things), if my girl started pointing out how hot other guys were I'd probably ask why she thought they were so hot. Not because I'm jealous or whatever, but because I'm genuinely curious what she finds attractive about those men.
There's this really annoying meme-thread out there that there is just one acceptable way to have sex and if you are female and don't find it enjoyable.... well that just reinforces that women don't like sex.... instead of giving people the idea that there are many kinds of sex and maybe there are ways to figure out what kind of sex revs your motor and respectful and mature ways to negotiate getting that kind of sex from a partner
ReplyDelete