The other night I went out to a party (you know, a party) with my friend J. I was hoping to get him laid, but J is a rather shy and awkward man and a big hulking galoot to boot, so he just chatted and watched. I stayed with him like a good faithful friend for several whole entire minutes, then got swept up in conversation with a new guy and we ran off and fooled around. Not quite sex fooled around, but fun times.
So I came back out, all flushed and mussed, and hopelessly cheerful, met back up with J, and I suddenly started getting really friendly with him. Not sex or even fool-around friendly, but unwarrantedly affectionate. I was touching him way more than I touch a friend, hugging him, ruffling his hair, trading backrubs. I felt like I'd fooled around with him. It was strange, a very chemical feeling.
I really do get high on sex.
(And I worry a little that all this was kind of cruel to J, but I made it very clear to him at the outset that I didn't bring him there to fuck him, so... ah well. I shouldn't be so damn sure he would've wanted my pity sex anyway.)
Projecting a little bit here, but if it's hurtful, being affectionate with him isn't what's going to cause that - it's being the guy at the party that nobody's interested in (especially if it's an italicized party) that hurts. (Yeah, was triggered a bit reading this.)
ReplyDeleteFriendly affection, even if it's not at the level of "fooling around," actually *helps* that quite a bit.
Can't speak for your friend, of course. I can picture some Nice Guy(tm) types being even more resentful at the touchy-feeliness of it without entitlement to "more," but that's their problem.
I agree with JFP's first paragraph, but disagree with his second. There's nothing comforting about the hugginess of "oh you're so nice SOMEONE will want you" especially when it's obvious you were just fooling around with someone else. Regardless of whether he feels entitled to your sexual favors, being blatantly denied them can sting.
ReplyDeleteJFP - Yeah, it was awkward, but honestly I don't think he was miserable--it was his first experience with public sex and he got to watch people play in new and interesting ways.
ReplyDeleteBruno - I made it clear when I invited him that that we were both there to find our own new friends and I didn't intend to play with him. I'm not into J. like that, I just wanted to show him a cool scene he'd expressed interest in.
If I fucked him it'd be favor sex, pity sex, guilt sex--but not "you're actually hot" sex, and does he really want that?
Even if he does, I don't.
No, he doesn't want that. But neither does he want pity hugs.
ReplyDeleteI had no idea this was at the sex club, though. That may change things (i.e., I no longer feel qualified to comment).
Bruno - I made it clear when I invited him that that we were both there to find our own new friends and I didn't intend to play with him. I'm not into J. like that, I just wanted to show him a cool scene he'd expressed interest in.
ReplyDeleteWell, you said that. But then you, by your own account, rubbed yourself all over him and went a little sex-crazy with him.
This is what scientists refer to as a "mixed signal."
And if he's got "Nice Guy Syndrome" issues, he already thinks that if he's just good enough to you, you'll eventually come around and give him what he "deserves." Not consciously; guys like us are wired that way.