Sorry for no posty, it's been a busy week, with insane amounts of overtime (85 hour workweek, good Lord) and Halloween partyin' duties to boot.
Anyway I've been thinking about dates, and specifically about the third-date rule. Which I've never followed; I live by a first-date rule. Unless it was an unalloyed oh-God-he's-a-creep-when-will-it-be-over disaster, every date I've been on has ended without pants. (Due to the "women are the gatekeepers of sex, men take whatever they can get" paradigm of American society, or possibly my immense charms, no guy has ever had a problem with this.) Every guy I've ever considered a boyfriend has gotten pantsless on the day we met.
I've had a lot of people tell me this is a bad idea. He won't respect you, he won't enjoy it if there's no "challenge" or "chase", he won't think you have relationship potential.
To which there are a lot of answers: hey, he got naked too; my sexuality isn't some prize I hand out; fucking a woman isn't disrespecting her; hey, I've gotten some swell boyfriends out of it.
But I worry sometimes. You can make logical arguments and you can bemoan the dominant paradigm, but that doesn't undominant it and in the end I'd rather have a fulfilling relationship than fix the world. Should I start waiting to have sex? Hold off til the third date, until he puts effort into wooing me, until we've got some sort of real connection? Because I use the word "slut" but deep down I'm not a slut; I'm just a very horny conventional girl, and what I really want is a steady boyfriend I can fuck about eight times a day. If I could achieve this paradoxically by not having sex for a couple days, I'd do it.
It feels so goddamn manipulative though. I really hate that kind of dishonest power differential, the idea that I'm withholding something from him to control him. If I didn't want sex that would make it okay, but I do so it's dishonest to act otherwise. I think the only ethical option is for me to start humping his leg before we're out of the restaurant.
It doesn't make you slutty or easy in any way its all about your own sexuality,i personally don't look at a woman any different if we have sex on a first date or not.
ReplyDeleteOn my blog I have just done a blog where I had sex with a virgin that a met at a ball that didn't make her a slut .
Its all in the mind how you perceive yourself
Wish you lived closer to me I would assist your needs lmao I could also show you a little technique to keep a guy hard and going for it for hours.
Call by my blogg or even better send me an email I would love to have a sexy correspondent like yourself
Hello, this is a random girl who reads your blog. Hope you don't find that too creepy.
ReplyDeleteAfter many years of dating experience, I have found that it really is better to wait a LITTLE while. Not some huge arbitrary production about holding out, but just make sure that y'all are really interested in each other with clothes on. I don't think every guy who fucks a girl on the first date doesn't respect her or think of her as a slut, but it also does make the relationship "about sex" rather quickly.
The easiest way to do this is just to not put yourself in sex situations on the first couple dates. Like don't go back to each other's places. Then you don't have to give some big "no sex yet!" speech. You don't have to look at it as withholding sex from him or manipulating him. Look at it as just putting off one thing you want in the interests of something else that you also want. I mean, we're only talking a few dates here.
I've tried it both ways, and it really does work better most of the time if you wait.
What anonymous says makes a lot of sense to me. The variable is how confident you are about wanting the same things from the relationship, which may depend on how well you know each other prior to the date.
ReplyDeleteI have (I hope )added you to my list of blogs I follow
ReplyDeleteAnongirl, Bruno - Yeah, I know what you mean. It's just... I have tremendous trouble balancing "this isn't just about sex" with "but hell yeah there's gonna be some sex", you know? I don't want a relationship about only sex, but sex has to be one of the abouts.
ReplyDeleteOy. The Clarity Fairy is not sparkling on me today. I'm going to try and make a post that makes sense tomorrow.
Aww, Holly, I know what you mean! I love the sex, there has to be sex or it's a no go.
ReplyDeletePersonally I've really only done the first date sex thing. I mean, if I liked him well enough on the first date we had sex. The ones I didn't like very well on the first date, there just wasn't a second. Most of my 'relationships' have been nightmares, but I don't think that has anything to do with the having sex on the first date part, just that they were mostly selfish assholes.
I met my current man through alt.com (I hear that's a mircale), and we fucked on our first meeting. Though, we had been talking online for almost 3 months prior.
Perhaps instead of thinking of it as "withholding sex", think of it as "reserving judgement". If you want a relationship, take a couple dates to get to know him. Once you've decided you like him well enough to potentially want to have a relationship with him, then fuck him and see if you still feel the same.
Just my 2 cents worth anyway.
"Once you've decided you like him well enough to potentially want to have a relationship with him, then fuck him and see if you still feel the same."
ReplyDelete(same anon here)
I think that's exactly right. Sex is hugely important, which is why I think a few dates is the optimal time (for me anyway)... get to know him a little first, but don't wait so long that you get deep into it without knowing what the sex is like.
I don't know. I think there's a lot to be said for the reserving-judgment approach.
ReplyDeleteBut honestly, I feel like if the guy is the type to discount me as relationship material because we had sex on the first date? I don't especially want to be in a relationship with him.
No need to be manipulative about it, I, personally, take longer to warm up to folks, so third date, fifth date, whatever. I've had a couple of first dates that ended without pants, but most do. YMMV.
ReplyDeleteI might want to hold on and try fucking friends, by that I mean developing a relationship before exposing wobbly bits. Sex does change dynamics, and you might have better luck.
Well, from Finnish perspective the "third date rule" sounds ridiculous. Everyone should do as they like. There is nothing wrong with hopping in bed within first minutes of the encounter. Why one should wait if she is "really interested in somebody with clothes on"? Choices should be made as freely as possible on personal basis, not according to some stupid cultural norm.
ReplyDeleteCan you explain why this post is under "ethics" tag? I cannot see the connection.
ReplyDeleteseksualisti - I don't assign my tags with scientific precision.
ReplyDeleteToo bad ;o)
ReplyDeleteWell I haven't ever had to wait until the third date. Usually I am undressing her for mad sex on the gaming or pool table while she's pretending to politely listen to all her friends telling her I'm too fat, creepy, perverted, undiplomatic, or unable to keep from yawning at them. Silly buggers think they could stop us from jumping each other. the only thing that can stop that is each other.
ReplyDeleteYou are worried, that you'll be considered a woman with loose and easy virtue?
Heck! I've had sex with other guys dates, on the initial acquaintance. The guys were complaining that they weren't getting anywhere after several dates.
One day I shall just undress her right there in front of the guy. Dudes are just so inhibited.
I've always been a "fuck on the first date" kind of girl, myself. If I liked a guy enough for there to be a second date, I liked him enough to want to fuck him after the first (or at least get a feel of the naughty bits).
ReplyDeleteMy feeling was always that this is who I am and the way I do it. If you're (the guy) not into it, then we're not going to
click" anyway. If he was the type of guy to think sex on the first date = slut then he wasn't my type of guy. I wanted someone whose morals were just as loose as mine and I found him. (Hubby and I dind't fuck on the first date but he did go home well satisfied).
I just meet this dude at the movies when i my best friend. He seemed very nice and it just-so-happened that we were seeing the same movie so he sat next to me. He but his arm around me and kinda feels on my arm. Like yourself I am a very sexual person and I can get very horny easy so the whole time we're sitting there i'm thinking about sex. Long story short I gave him my number and the next day he drives to my house. We ended up having sex and it was amazing....one of my best sex experiences. I feel if you want the sex and so does he than there is no problem.
ReplyDeletei think of all women the same. if they want to have sex on the first date they can. i would never force them to have sex if they don't want to.
ReplyDeletei would never force them to have sex if they don't want to.
DeleteTruly, you are a hero among men.