Dammit, Lance Part 1: Men are scum!

Via Lance, "Seven Lies Every Guy Tells, in Glamour magazine. Apparently men do secretly hate women, to judge from this.

2. "I'm sorry."
When a guy says this, there's a good chance that he's more confused than contrite. "I've apologized to tons of women, and not once was I perfectly clear on what I'd done wrong," says my cousin Steve. "I was, however, totally clear on the fact that I was expected to apologize."
You know, when women are angry, they're generally angry about something. Anger, like talking, isn't just this wordless emotional noise women produce for hormonal reasons. Since we speak human languages, you could even ask what we're angry about.

4. "I'm headed into a tunnel — gonna lose you."
I say this to get off cell phone calls at the beginning of a relationship. But I am not driving in my car; I am sitting in my apartment.
Okay, I don't think that's "every guy," I'm pretty sure it's just you. (And your stunning lack of faith in other people's perception; I can tell when you're in a car or not, jerk.) Some guys actually have the social skills to just say they want to wrap up the call. I don't actually want to talk for three hours either, y'know.

6. "Being with you is great, but let's take a quick break."
Ever have a steamy session interrupted because he suddenly needs to go to the bathroom or "has something on his mind"? In truth, he may have just finished having sex. Since we don't want to admit that we didn't last as long as we (and presumably you) would like, we'll pretend something urgent distracted us.
Again, I can tell, dumbass. Also, if you admit that you're done we can do other stuff or cuddle. If you just run away I'm going to be much more confused and frustrated.

7. "I'm just kidding."
Perhaps man's most employed tactic for getting out of a jam. We said something that held truth — about your family, your friend, you — and you got upset. Now we're doing damage control and trying to pass the whole thing off as a joke. It wasn't. When my friend Joe (stupidly) told his girlfriend that if he weren't with her, he'd want to date her sister, she flipped out. His response: Whoa, hold on! Totally kidding!
You see, when a human is angry they have a problem that has to be apologized for and solved. When a woman is angry, ha ha, it's just cute little lady anger, look at her pout and the way she stamps her little foot!