Cosmocking: May '09!

It's "The SEXY Issue"! Not like all those other issues! Whitney Port (who???) on the cover! I actually like her dress! But she needs a bra!

A confession: this issue was somehow less reprehensible than most. There were points when I thought "You know, I could cherry-pick a couple silly sentences but there's nothing really wrong with this." The article on "fun things to do naked" struck me as awfully sweet and free-spirited, there's an article on date ideas that sound fun and reasonable, and a sex-advice article I even agree with. The theme is "fuck like a man," which contains an assumption worth quibbling with, but the messages within--don't be self-conscious, love your genitals, seek your own pleasure, don't have sex until you're really turned on--are solid, I'm embarrassed to admit. I just can't hate on an article that contains a section headed "Your Crotch Is Awesome."

But don't worry, it's not all puppies and hugs in this Cosmocking. Because there might've been three or four decent articles (plus the fashion and makeup articles which I can't even judge, it's complete Greek to me), but there were... others.

Guy Truths They'd Tell If They Had The Guts
We're not fans of your hamster-size dog. It's high-maintenance, temperamental, and embarrassing to be seen with.
Ah yes, men have labradors and German shepherds, women have chihuahuas and toy poodles. And the man dogs are the only "real" dogs. Women get small breeds not because we live in an apartment or we genuinely like them, but because we're silly little girls who like silly little things.

Threatening to revoke sexual privileges is both cruel and unfair and leaves us no equal measure of recourse.
Hurrr, funny joke, I know, but still. My body isn't like the community pool that you can visit any time the door isn't locked, it's not something left open by default and occasionally closed as a punishment, it's attached to a goddamn person. The thing a lot of guys don't seem to get is that for a woman to not deny them sex, she has to have sex too. Giving a guy "sexual privileges" doesn't amount to handing him a key and walking away, it means her whole naked body is going to be wrapped up in his and that's awfully unpleasant to be doing if you don't actively want it yourself.

Ooh, an article on aphrodisiacs! I do love when Cosmo does "science."
Asparagus
NO. I don't care what chemical it has that supposedly enhances whatever, do not eat asparagus before sex. Please. You know how it makes your pee smell all weird? It does that to other fluids too.

Bananas: Another reason to think about sex when you wrap your lips around this phallus-shaped fruit: Chiquitas deliver potassium, a nutrient key to muscle strength. So when you orgasm, the contractions will be superintense.
If you weren't getting enough potassium to have an orgasm, you wouldn't be able to stand up. But it doesn't work the other way; you can't turn into Wonder Woman and lift cars with your vagina if you get extra potassium, you're just going to pee it out. It's like gassing up a car--filling the tank to overflowing isn't going to give it extra horsepower. It just Doesn't Work That Way.

There's a section called "The Single Girl's Bible" with various factoids for women who have not yet landed themselves a reason to exist man. In this issue, two of the boxes are "How to use the self-timer on a camera" and "Tips for dining solo at a restaurant." Apparently when they say single, they mean alone. Damn.

Sorry to be positive again, but the model for the "50 things to do naked" article has such an exceptionally real body and smile that I wonder if Cosmo had some sort of editorial turnaround. She's in good shape and she's wearing makeup, but she's just not... Cosmofied. She looks like she's having fun rather than trying to seduce the camera. She's got small breasts and visible hip fat and she's laughing so hard her face is scrunched up. I kind of love these photos. Damn, which magazine am I reading again?

On the other hand, there's an article on home security for women living alone that basically comes off as "you fool, a woman can't live alone, she'd be a babe in the woods!" (Naturally, it doesn't even mention guns. This is a magazine for women, sillypants!)

Plant something thorny, like a small cactus or rosebush, in front of your windows to keep Peeping Toms or potential thieves at a distance.
I'm pretty sure thieves don't care if they have to destroy a little bit of landscaping, and as for peepers, maybe you should just close your curtains when you take your clothes off.

20 percent of all violent crimes occur in the victim's home--more than in any other venue. The greatest number of rapes and sexual assaults (33 percent)... happen in the victim's home as well.
That's because you're massively more likely to be assaulted or raped by someone you know. These statistics don't represent home invasions, they represent truly shitty boyfriends, and there's nothing you're going to plant in front of the windows to get rid of those.

And the improvements it suggests to make your home safer: good locks, 911 on speed-dial, a panic alarm, a dog. (Pictured, bizarrely, is a tiny West Highland terrier.) What's missing from this list?



Actual self-defense.