Cosmocking: October '09!

Pink cover! Megan Fox! That woman looks different in every picture of her, it's weird! I like her dress except that it's bikini-wax-required short and I don't see how she could sit down in it! Best headline: "The Sexy Ass Workout"! I thought they would have to say "butt"!

Men don't like to acknowledge when they're upset, but if your guy's face briefly crumples up, that's a sign of sadness or disappointment. Watch for furrows that form above his nose and extend to the outer corners of his eyes as well as eyebrows that scrunch together and lift at the inner corners.
Yes, and, if his lips curl upward and he shows his teeth it's a sign of happiness or amusement among us humans. Truly, we are fascinating creatures. But tell me more about your kind--what are the tentacles for?

There's a lot of ads for vibrating beauty products. A vibrating razor (ow?), vibrating mascara, and some sort of brightly-colored vibrating pore cleaner. I'm pretty sure I know how this works. "But mom, it's for my pores!"

And there's a whole article that's nothing but celebrities' Twitter posts selected at utter random. I guess the layout came up a little short.

"Like most female animals, women are hardwired to want a mate who can provide for their offspring," [supposed expert] says. "You may not even want children, but unconsciously, this is a trait you'll still be drawn to." So when you're checking out a guy's designer clothes, as 74 percent of you do, you're really instinctually sussing out his resources. "It's a biological ritual that's millions of years old," says [expert].
Designer clothes are not millions of years old. (Are they? "Ohmigosh! You wear Og style loincloth! Real mammoth hide! That so hot!") Maybe conceptions of physical attractiveness are somewhat innate, but you're not going to have a goddamn "instinct" to analyze for walletability. If you find yourself mentally pricing a guy's outfit with great fascination, that's all you, honey.

Think of the naughtiest trick you've ever tried in bed. Now imagine bumping up the intensity so that it was even ballsier. Pretty. Freakin'. Hot.
Not really. The naughtiest trick I ever tried (and man, I have no idea what that even would be, I don't own a naughtyometer) was as far as I was willing to go. Bumping up the intensity would mean something I wasn't comfortable with. I'm not bound by inhibition or lack of creativity but by actual limits.

Lie on the bed with your hands tied together, and let him devour you. Have him start with a tease by holding his first and second fingers in a V, placing them on either side of your clitoris, and massaging in a scissoring motion. Then he can use side-to side motions with his tongue to get you even more worked up.
This article is seriously topping from the bottom. I don't know "I want to be the helpless damsel being devoured" goes with "now I insist you follow these detailed orders on exactly how to do it."

...Hmm, maybe Cosmo understands kink more than I give them credit for.

Have him tie your hands with a scarf and hang them on a hook on his door (the kind you would hang your coat or towel on) before he tantalizes you with oral.
Ooh, here's a fun activity you can try at home: stand with your back to a door and raise your arms high over your head. Now spread your legs far enough to allow cunnilingus. Don't rip the hook out! Don't fall on your ass!

(To be fair, I think this might work if you lift only one leg and brace it on a wall, furniture, or his shoulder. It still doesn't lack for awkwardness though.)

At the end of this activity, rapidly locate a pair of scissors or a sharp knife, because after you've hung near-bodyweight on a knot in a scarf, you're never getting that puppy untied.

Moves That Cross the Line
72% of guys would not be turned on if their girl spanked them with a paddle.
...73% of guys would not be turned on if their girl dripped hot wax over their chest.
28% ain't bad. These aren't moves that cross the line, these are moves you should ask about rather than just suddenly pulling out a candle and flinging wax about. I don't know if it's still a "move" when it's a negotiated activity, but it's a hell of a lot more likely to go well.

A husky voice is seductive since it reminds guys of sex. When you're aroused, testosterone rises, deepening your timber.
Timbre. And testosterone does deepen a person's voice--irreversibly, over the course of months, by physically growing their larynx. Unless you develop an Adam's apple when you get turned on (and likely also a beard), it's not the testosterone at work there.

Q:This may sound weird, but I hate it when my boyfriend compliments me during sex. Like, he'll say my O face is really hot, but that just makes me self-conscious. Or he'll say that he loves grabbing my butt, but he'll do so in a way that makes it sound big. Can I somehow train him to compliment me in different ways?
A: Good Lord, get over yourself. I'm sure you're coming from a place of genuine anguish here and all that, but do you realize what you sound like, complaining that you're not getting the right kind of compliments? I prescribe three months of not getting complimented at all; should give you some perspective.

Q: My boyfriend often asks my permission to do things in bed, and I hate it! I want him to take charge and get creative, so how can I convince him to boink outside the box?
A: [...] If you want your guy to "boink outside the box," you need to let him know he has an all-access pass to... well, the inside of the box.
But he doesn't. Not many people, and definitely not many Cosmo girls, hand out all-access passes. This girl doesn't want him to boink outside the box, she wants him to boink in a slightly larger box, and she wants him to psychically divine how big that box is because she can't be arsed to tell him.

[Positions that project power and confidence] Clasp your hands behind your back. This displays your most sensitive zones (neck, chest) in a way that says "I don't need protective cover."
Yes, but it also says "I'm like a meek little girl." Ideally you'd also go a bit knock-kneed during this power position and maybe giggle shyly.

A teeny white lie won't really hurt anyone. And isn't the minor pang of guilt worth saving you some cash? Your magic words: "Oh, it's my birthday." ... You could use them at a restaurant or bar to score a free appetizer or celebratory glass of wine or cocktail. Mention it at your favorite bakery and you could walk out with a gifted cupcake. Or try casually dropping that it's your special day as you're checking into a nice hotel--maybe you'll find a fruit basket waiting for you in your room.
Jesus, that's low. It's not that the things you get are so valuable or things the businesses couldn't part with--but you're abusing the shit out of human goodwill. People give you stuff on your birthday (sometimes spontaneously and out of their own pockets) because they want to make it a special day for you, and you're treating them like suckers.

Find a half-finished beer in a brown bottle--like Budweiser--and sneak into the bathroom. Fill the bottle the rest of the way with lukewarm water and saunter back to the bar. Tell the overworked bartender that the beer you got was warm--on a busy night, beer is racing in and out of coolers fast enough that it's totally possible--and ask for another. He'll be so busy with the rest of the crowd that he'll slip you a new one, no questions asked.
Seriously, Cosmo, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Knowing what'll impress a guy isn't always easy. You could spend $200 on a haircut, highlights, and a blowout and he won't even notice. Meanwhile, ha can't stop raving about the time his buddy cooked a T-bone on the radiator of his Dodge Ram.
That is kind of awesome though. I had some friends who were on a road trip and managed to cook a container of Jiffy Pop by hanging it out the back window on a rope. The friction on the asphalt heated up the little frying pan enough to pop all the corn. That's way more impressive than some lady who went to an overpriced salon.

"I dated a guy with serious stubble--he always left my face raw. The scabs from kissing him lasted for days."
SCABS? Jesus!

[Quiz question:] A first date cancels without explanation an hour before you've planned to meet up. How do you respond?
[The "correct" answer:] C. Feel a little down, but give him a rain check to call you another time.
Um, no. With a good explanation, maybe, everyone has scheduling disasters sometimes. No explanation, an hour ahead? Either he's not interested in you, he's playing some weird game, or he's an enormous flake. None of those merits a second chance.