Cosmocking: February '10! (Part Two!)

Picture this: you and your guy meet at the gym, where you talk him into doing the body-pump class with you. Then you head home together, turn on "The Hills," and order in from the vegetarian place you like (after months of convincing, he's finally conceded to eat grains). Sounds like a pretty normal night. In fact, sounds like a pretty great night.
But while each of these things--body pump, bitches, barley--seems innocuous on its own, when you add it all together, you're submitting my guy to a whole lot of girliness.
I don't give a crap about "The Hills," so I can't speak to that, but BodyPump is a weightlifting class and fairly co-ed in its marketing and approach, and men eat fucking vegetables, you fucking crazy person.

But what that night really sounds like is something that was all about my interests. I chose the class, the show, and the food, and when he didn't agree I "convinced" him into "conceding." I can see him getting frustrated with that, easily, not with the supposed "girliness" of anything not involving engine grease or sides of beef.

Your guy's testosterone level nose-dives. [...] Imagine the flip side: What if he wanted you to hang at sports bars, throwing back brewskis in a rumpled tee? You'd feel like your inner girl had been hijacked.
Actually, that sounds pretty fun. I'm not super big on sports but I like the atmosphere in a friendly sports bar and I sure do like the brewskis. I'm seriously not seeing the problem here.

I've talked about this before: it's dumb to label arbitrary activities "masculine" and "feminine." If hanging out at a sports bar is possible and enjoyable for a great many women, I don't see how you can still argue "but it's still a man thing" and have that mean anything.

Femininity is mysterious and enticing to men. [...] The differences between you are what create that electric current, that magnetic pull.
Not to sound negative, but I'm positive that isn't how healthy relationships work. While it isn't a great idea, especially early on, to try to share 100% of your interests, that has a lot more to do with personal boundaries than gender differences. It's less about being a "mystery" than just being your own person. It doesn't matter if I go shoe shopping while he goes to the sports bar, me going shooting while he goes to the sports bar will work just as well; the important thing is that I don't demand to tag along to the sports bar every time.

But then Cosmo ends the article with a bunch of stereotypical "Manly Date Ideas" involving steak and football and the usual. (One of them is to "go dog shopping" without intent to buy. That's kind of a toolish thing to do to a breeder or rescue.) So apparently the problem isn't maintaining boundaries after all; it's only womanly things we mustn't do. Just remember kids: a woman being manly is a cool chick, but a man being womanly is degrading himself!

On morning sex:
And while you may feel more like Megan Mullally than Megan Fox when that alarm goes off, getting it on in the a.m. can be amazing for you too. [...] Between stanky morning breath and hair that's flying in 10 directions, sex is probably the furthest thing from your mind in the morning.
I'm not sure I see the problem with Megan Mullally.

But much more importantly, my sexual desire has shit-all to do with my looks. If I've got an eager partner right there in the bed with me, I'm going to take his word that I'm doable. Primping is a way to attract a partner, it's not a method of sexual arousal in itself. I don't put on lipstick and get wet. I'd fuck with axle grease on my face if I had a dude who didn't care.

When he mentions having done something undeniably awesome, like studying abroad in Nepal, resist the urge to gush about how amazing that must have been. Play it cool by maintaining a low-key tone, and challenge him to prove how smart he is by saying "That's a curious choice. What made you decide to go there?" By questioning him (instead of going all awestruck), you'll trigger his competitive instincts.
Actually, you kinda just sound like a critical and snotty jerk. Remember that article earlier about how hard it is for men to put themselves out there and how much they hate getting shot down? A lot of guys are going to take signals of disinterest as... signals of disinterest.

Not that you need to gush. Just... fuck, I don't know, I'd just say what I was thinking. Like maybe there were things I actually wanted to know about Nepal. I'm not real good at seeing the wily cat-and-mouse games behind small talk. I always get tricked into thinking we're talking about the thing we're talking about.

Once you're feeling more comfortable, try dragging your fingers slowly along your collarbone, massaging your neck, or arching your back while letting him see and/or hear (try letting out a little "mmm"...). When he sees how good you're making yourself feel, he'll subconsciously assume that you're someone who loves to give and get pleasure.
"Subconsciously"? Don't get me wrong, moaning self-stroking has its place in flirtation, but this shit ain't exactly subliminal.

[Q: My live-in boyfriend won't do his share of the cooking or diswashing.]
[A:] Luckily, there are ways to make him start looking at it as a guy friendly activity instead of a as a tedious domestic chore. [...] Buy him a grill--it needn't be an expensive one--so he has an irresistible new toy to play with. Or walk into the kitchen wearing nothing but an apron, and tell him that unless he strips down to his skivvies and serves as your sous chef, he gets no dinner... or dessert.
But it is a tedious domestic chore. One that grown adults have to do. Bribing him with toys and pussy isn't my job; his reward for cooking is dinner. Not only is it degrading to both of us for me to act like he's a special little boy just for pulling his weight, but the day will come when I don't feel like buying anything or holding up a "will fuck for food" cardboard sign. On that day, when the treat bag is empty and the clicker is out in the car, will he still respond to verbal commands?

"From the beginning of our relationship, David complimented me and was very affectionate. I later found out that some of his exes saw it as insecure and even a red flag. Luckily, from working at Cosmo--where we're very pro-man--I didn't jump to that conclusion. [...] David said my ability to appreciate his sweetness and not take the typical guy-bashing attitude drew him to me."
Yeah, most women really hate men and especially hate men who compliment them. You're very special and brave for breaking the mold and allowing a guy to shower you with affection.

"This new underwear is so uncomfortable, I can't wait to take it off as soon as we get home."
Taking underwear off - sexy.
Discussing uncomfortable underwear - sexiness level not quite determined.

Your boss calls you into her office and asks what the deal is with two coworkers whom you know recently coupled up. You say:
A) "You didn't hear this from me, but they're Facebook-official as of last Tuesday."
B) "I'm not sure, but they do tend to leave at the same time every night."
C) "Oh, I wouldn't know. I'm always the last to hear office dirt."
[The "correct" answer is B.]

Wow. That's really not okay. That's a completely backstabbing, not to mention rather crude wink-wink thing to be telling the boss. Maybe it's different in the nonspecific middle-class office job Cosmo assumes everyone has, but if my boss asks me anything personal about my coworkers I tell him that I know nothing whatsoever about these two upstanding citizens who, last I heard, were volunteering at a shelter for homeless kittens with cancer.

I know what they do to snitches around here.



P.S. If you haven't seen this, it's some entertaining Cosmocking. If you have, stop emailing it to me. I love emails and am always flattered that someone thought of me, but... I've gotten sent that article like fifty times. :p