White cover! Is it a yearly cycle? I think last April was white too, but sadly (wonderfully) I set my old Cosmos on fire rather than drag them across the country, so I can't check! Lady Gaga! In nude-colored grandma-ish supportive undergarments! That's kind of awesome! Not awesome: she's been airbrushed within an inch of her life, to the point where her torso is a featureless pink blur! Is Lady Gaga's real body that bad? Cosmo thinks so!
An ingenious dating rule of thumb: in the beginning of a relationship, every coupley thing you do is magnified five times. So when you text him twice, it's basically the equivalent of 10 check-ins.
Oh God. If I call him once, I'm a crazy person.
iTrust is a new 99 cent app that tells you if someone snuck a peek at your iPhone. Keep that in mind the next time you're tempted to scour... we mean, glance at your guy's call log. Not that you'd do such a thing.
Tee hee, how silly of me to do an eensy widdle pwivacy viowation! Ain't I the fucking cutest?
The Rise of the Less-Successful Boyfriend
Me, I would have titled this article "The Rise of the More-Successful Girlfriend."
The best statistic in the article: as a result of the 2009 layoffs affecting more men than women, 1 in 4 women now earns more than her husband. OH NO THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH WHAT ABOUT TEH MENZ.
When you're out together with friends, casually mention a random thing he does well, like his cocktail-mixing expertise or the way he effortlessly lifts your 2-ton couch. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, couples who put each other on a pedestal are happier in the long run than pairs who don't idealize each other.
Yeah, and if you paint stripes on your face you'll turn into a tiger. Happy couples say nice things about each other, certainly, but I don't think you can work this one backwards.
Really thank him. If he helps you paint your bathroom, leave his favorite salty snack in the pantry.
Gosh, you really went all out there. Buying a bag of chips and not even directly giving them to him, that's gotta be reserved for very special occasions.
(Wait... do you live together or not, here? Because if you do, then it's a shared bathroom; if you don't, then he's not going to find stuff in your pantry. Unless you're supposed to smuggle it into his pantry next time you come over, which is kind of weird and might convince him that his pantry is haunted.)
Slide your hand down the front of his pants and graze his goods when you can tell he's had a hellish day. In those moments, he really doesn't want to answer questions like "Are you okay?" or "What's wrong?" ...but your caress still sends the message that you're picking up his vibe.
I can't even deconstruct this one in words. It's just... look, I'm kind of an awkward hermit, but even I have some social skills, I have a sense of how people are, and my instinct is that people who've had a really bad day do not want to be walked up to and wordlessly grabbed in the junk. It's just a feeling.
When you introduce him to friends or coworkers, highlight any recent impressive accomplishments of his. For example, "This is Steve. He just finished his PhD dissertation in microbiology" or "Tom ran the Ironman marathon last week!"
"This is Rob. He goes potty all by himself!"
The Sex Article We Can't Describe on the Cover
Oral sex. My, how shocking. Hey, Cosmo, I'm doing something right now that you couldn't put on the cover.
A shocking number of women have trouble mentally letting go and enjoying oral. Sound like you? Try keeping the lights off so you can't see him. You'll have fewer distractions and be able to focus.
The awesome part is that Cosmo is always advising you to "spice it up" by turning the lights on. So a full and varied sex life can be had simply by using a light switch. (The Clapper would be downright kinky.)
Man, this article is really frustrating from a Cosmocking point of view, because there are some really bad suggestions but they're repeats. I've already mocked the "stick his penis against the back of your tongue" and "squeeze his balls like they're supermarket fruit" things, I can't do it again. Can't Cosmo come up with something new every once in a while? The magic is gone from this relationship.
To put [a date] at ease, try the 5 in 15 ratio: Casually touch the guy you're talking to 5 times every 15 minutes. [...] Try telling him that you love his watch and gently touch his wrist, or briefly put your hand on top of his as you ask him a question.
Being "casually" touched every three minutes, the first few acceptably casual, then more and more coming until I suspected and then knew she was doing every one of them on purpose, would not put me at ease.
Yeah, sticking to benign topics will ensure that you won't rock the boat. But being a bit fearless by sharing something that's a little out there--for instance, recounting the time you won a karaoke contest with your awesome rendition of "Endless Love" or admitting that you've seen all the "Saw" movies at least twice--shows an attractive amount of balls-out confidence.
Is there something that's more benign than your incredibly mainstream entertainment tastes? If that's "a little out there," what isn't?
"Hi! My name's Holly. I like puppies. But not pitbull puppies. Those are a little out there. Um... I like puppies. Puppies."
Q: Not long after we got married, my husband started seeming less enthusiastic about sex. I was mad at first, but I realized it happens only when he's stressed about work. I'm fine with that, but I feel like now the situation bothers him more than it does me. How can I let him know it's okay if he's not up for sex as often as I am?
A: If you try to tell him that, it won't matter what you say--all he'll hear is "you don't satisfy me."
Yes, honestly communicating that you accept your partner as they are is the worst thing you could do in this situation! Or any situation, really.
Holy shit! This issue contains a sexual connect-the-dots puzzle. Mind status: BLOWN.
A romance novel excerpt:
"He kissed her, pinching her nipples so that each time, blood rushed between her legs."
Ew.
If, in the beginning of a relationship, every coupley thing you do is magnified by 5, will touching a guy 5 times every 15 minutes make it feel like you're touching him 25 times every 15 minutes? Or have they already factored the 5 thing in, so you're only supposed to touch him ONCE every 15 minutes, but it'll feel ike 5...
ReplyDeleteOh god, I think I'm stuck in that Monty Python mattress salesman sketch.
-Andrea
Andrea - I believe you multiply through, so you should actually be touching him 25 times every 75 minutes. You'll probably need to take notes.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking that too.
ReplyDeleteI actually think the complimenting thing can work, though. Consciously making an effort to say more positive things and fewer negative things has been good for my relationship. I don't mean avoiding talking about stuff that's bothering you, but just dropping petty criticisms.
...my instinct is that people who've had a really bad day do not want to be walked up to and wordlessly grabbed in the junk.
ReplyDeleteSomebody's forgetting Cosmo's all-occasion relationship panacea...
I've already mocked the "stick his penis against the back of your tongue" and "squeeze his balls like they're supermarket fruit" things, I can't do it again.
ReplyDeleteBut Holly! My boyfriend just told me that he loved to have his balls squeezed when I'm blowing him, and when he put his hand over mine to show me how, it was exactly like... squeezing fruit at the supermarket. But harder, actually. I thought about what you had posted earlier, but I stifled the snort.
Anon - That doesn't hurt? I've got yelled at by guys for putting any force beyond the merest graze on the balls, but maybe it's one of those individual things.
ReplyDelete(The specific supermarket fruit, I think, is kiwis.)
See, the sex with the lights off thing actually can work if you're self-conscious (I was for a long time...got over it). But I wouldn't exactly call it an innovative idea.
ReplyDeleteThe touch thing just bugs me. Some people are very tactile, some aren't. Someone who's outgoing and physically affectionate will just touch people a lot naturally; someone who's more reticent will not feel comfortable doing the 'deliberately casual' touching.
All Cosmo's dating advice seems predicated on the assumption that the worst thing you can do on a date is act like yourself.
I'm an opinionated sci-fi geek with a foul mouth and a fashion sense that can be described most accurately as 'lazy'. Anybody who's ever dated me has known all of that either before we went out or shortly thereafter. And somehow, I managed to have relationships. Often with people who like me the way I actually, am, how 'bout that?
I'm willing to accept that ball squeezing works for some, but sure not for me. Cupping? fine. Light squeezing is uncomfortable, like touching your eyeball. Firm squeezing, holy hell, no thank you. Really not something I'd advise surprising a guy with. Ask, and if yes get a demonstration like Anonymous above did.
ReplyDeleteAlso, ditto everything said regarding the "bad day at work -> touch him on the penis" article. If anything, this sends the message that you are not "picking up his vibe" at all. How did anyone think this was good advice?
Oh God, what the hell is up with that romance novel excerpt? Some kind of menstrual faucet?
ReplyDelete"Also, ditto everything said regarding the "bad day at work -> touch him on the penis" article. If anything, this sends the message that you are not "picking up his vibe" at all. How did anyone think this was good advice?"
ReplyDeleteWell, *I* once got yelled at by my ex for not picking up on the fact that I was supposed to initiate sex to make him feel better after a bad day( or rather, as he claimed, deliberately withholding sex that I obviously *knew* he needed even though he didn't even want to look at or talk to me after having a big fight at work and almost losing his job the same day his grandmother got put in the hospital). But he was kind of an immature jerk anyway. I guess Cosmo is for people who assume every guy is an immature jerk. Or every girl, for that matter. :/
Call me an insane unintuitive prude, but I always assume a hug is a better option than a grope when it comes to "epically shitty day, could probably use my support".
ReplyDeleteI think the problem is in the magazine's name. "Cosmopolitan" Means something like "all-cities person" and originally referred someone who was well-traveled and well-versed in the customs of many cities all over the world. And considering that I've seen this magazine in languages other than English, it seems like they're providing advice for women all over the world. But they don't label which countries each particular piece of advice is most relevant in. Thus it comes out sounding like a psychotic mishmash.
ReplyDelete[Not really, they probably just make up stuff which sounds vaguely plausible if you don't think about it too hard. Like I just did. ;-) ]
Holly, this is Anon-with-the-squeezing-issue. He says that it doesn't hurt (!?) and that he loves the sensation. A hard squeeze with a firm push toward the base of his cock. I was dumbfounded; it was completely counterintuitive based on my (and probably most peoples' experience). I never would have gone there on my own, and it took him a long time to tell me, and now I'm thinking, great, there's this sexual thing that really does it for you that I haven't been doing for ALMOST A YEAR.
ReplyDeleteHe had this funny notion that a cock is a cock is a cock, and that all men like to be touched in pretty much the same way; I had to let him in on the secret that, based on my somewhat-vast experience, men are as diverse in the way they like their parts to be touched as women are.
"This is Rob. He goes potty all by himself!"
ReplyDeleterotflmao
"He kissed her, pinching her nipples so that each time, blood rushed between her legs."
ReplyDeleteI would have thought menstruating on command would be way beyond kinky for Cosmo! Also, yes, ew!!
Really, the menstruating on command that the romance novel except obviously contains could be useful because then you could just get your period over on your own time and then go off to wear white pants and ride horses on the beach or whatever.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI can't even deconstruct this one in words. It's just... look, I'm kind of an awkward hermit, but even I have some social skills, I have a sense of how people are, and my instinct is that people who've had a really bad day do not want to be walked up to and wordlessly grabbed in the junk. It's just a feeling.
ReplyDeleteThis time I'm not joking: I actually think this is a great idea. This would work on me every time. Maybe I've just been married too long, and I know I don't speak for all the men out there, but this would be excellent.
The problem would be that I would take it to mean that my wife was ready for more than just a brief caress, and they don't seem to mean it that way . . . but still, I see what they're getting at. Maybe I'm the one with no social skills.
(I am of course talking about my wife here, and maybe that makes a difference.)
"In those moments, he really doesn't want to answer questions like "Are you okay?" or "What's wrong?" ...but your caress still sends the message that you're picking up his vibe."
ReplyDeleteErm... yes I do.
"When you introduce him to friends or coworkers, highlight any recent impressive accomplishments of his. For example, "This is Steve. He just finished his PhD dissertation in microbiology" or "Tom ran the Ironman marathon last week!"
"This is Rob. He goes potty all by himself!""
To be honest I'll be introducing my girl as "This is my Kitty, she's going to be working on a PhD at oxford!" after she gets accepted. 'Cuz, you know, I'm pretty proud of the fact that she's done so well for herself.
Brains are sexy... and I think pointing out that he has a PhD in microbiology is, well, a good thing ;-)
"Yes, honestly communicating that you accept your partner as they are is the worst thing you could do in this situation! Or any situation, really."
Wow no kidding, right? Actually if my girl was like, "Hey, I understand your sex drive is a bit lower and it doesn't bother me at all." I would be ECSTATIC! Probably want to fuck her right then to show how much I appreciate her compromise and sacrifice for me.
Oh, yes, I like to give sex acts as a form of appreciation. Nothing says "Thank you so much!" like an hour of getting your body played like a violin until you sing ;-)
""He kissed her, pinching her nipples so that each time, blood rushed between her legs.""
... wat.
The only thing I want to comment on is the lights on/off thingy. I mean, sex with the lights on is awesome, and sex with the lights off can indicate a lack of body confidence... But is it really that black and white? (Geddit, lights on/off, black and white, HA) Occasionally, just for a treat, sensuality is seriously heightened by sex with the lights off. It's not a self-confidence thing, it's either an 'I'm in a particularly attention-deficity mood so even the smallest thing can distract me' kinda mood, or "I just want to feel every single sensation quadrupled by the unexpected". We don't do it often, but when we do it's intense :)
ReplyDelete"Holy shit! This issue contains a sexual connect-the-dots puzzle. Mind status: BLOWN."
ReplyDelete...what was it a picture of?
A.