(Still in Taylor, MI. But moving on soon! ETA in Mass: Tuesday night.)
I want to be a cool chick. I really want to approach sex with perfect naivete. I want to be the sort of person who can say "sex is fun! let's have fun together!" and really mean it and nothing else. But the more times people dick with me, the more times I get my good nature used to make me into a "take it or leave it, use it and ditch it, plastic don't care" sex toy, the harder it is to be that sort of person.
I don't want--couldn't stand--to become conventional and withholding in my sex, to agree only to fucking one guy, only in a relationship with "commitment", only after he sucks up a little. But I'm starting to understand it. Being a happy hippie about sex, but also having all these inconvenient feelings where I react negatively (like a psycho!) when people get my hopes up and then decide that my desire is inconvenient for them, could start to wear me down one day.
There's a difference between a one-night stand and being used once and thrown out, and the more times the latter happens, the worse I get at accepting it with perfect "hey, it happens! no big! I'm a cool chick!" grace. Everyone has the right to say no to me at any time for any reason, but--if you really don't like me well enough to tell me your realistic expectations, and turn me down kindly and openly if things don't work out--maybe you just shouldn't get my hopes up in the first place.
I hope I don't sound like the "cockteasing is like rape" guys or some psycho bunny-boiler girl. I'm really not asking to be fucked any time I get horny, or carried away into a Forever Love every time I get schmoopy. I'm just asking to have these emotions respected a little. There's a difference between just not fucking me, and leaving me fucking hanging, scared to even point out that I'm hanging for fear of looking "psycho," and I think it's actually not that hard for guys to know which they're doing.
I guess the TL;DR is "Holly is a psycho who will sulk if she doesn't get laid," and admittedly history does sometimes bear that out, but... I wouldn't mind being rejected as much if I could at least get properly rejected like a person you're letting down, instead of fucking discarded like a sex toy you decided you didn't want to use. This bullshit--this kicking me out after you come, this keeping me around as an optional extra instead of a legitimate third, this treating me like a psychopath for calling back after you were finished with me, this utter fucking disrespect for my own wants because cool chicks shouldn't want anything because the coolest thing is a chick who's really convenient to use--this could wear the "cool chick" right out of me someday.
Not a good night, it sounds like. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was younger, I thought polyamory was the best thing since sliced bread. As I get older, though, the I remember what my medical school instructor told us in the mind committee: Sex is not simple. Our sex organs give pleasure, they are for procreation, and sex is a bonding experience--humans go very quickly from "That was fun" to "You OWE me." Trying to be cool about sex has been a possibility only since the 1960's--people might not have been able to figure it out yet.
ReplyDeleteSecondarily, coming from the male point of view, where I've been laughed at for asking a woman out, where one of the kindest rejections was never hearing from someone at all; welcome to what men have been dealing with for years. Humans can be insensitive and mean, men and women.
I like the idea of one-night stands, had a few before I got married, but I'm too shy and lazy to pursue that as a long-term plan. The way I've seen some of my friends get treated makes me really glad about that.
ReplyDeleteI feel like you took a page from my own diary and posted it. This is me, word for word. I know your frustration.
ReplyDeleteI had a few one-night stands when I was younger, and I have a different approach to casual sex now than I used to. I still do it, but I'm much more cautious and even kind of paranoid sometimes. I know exactly what you are saying, and I DESPISED being treated like a pocket pussy. So much so, and so many times was I a convenient hole (without receiving any pleasure whatsoever), I was put off sex for almost a year. I hated it. I wasn't just disgusted, I legitimately avoided it. Maybe I just picked inexperienced guys, but I'm pretty sure I was just a toy, and that really pissed me off.
ReplyDeleteI've got a playbuddy now who I actually (somewhat surprisingly) get along with extremely well both personally and in bed, and he's the first person to actually change my opinion of sex fairly drastically - it's not just pretty good, it's really fucking fantastic. My situation, personally, only required a little more personal discretion and a stronger litmus test. (Not to say yours does; you've been doing this a much longer time than I have.)
I'm reaching the point where I'm just so over sex myself. I find it's not worth it anymore. Blah. It's a sad day for sure.
ReplyDeleteSince the only comment I could really make would be another rehash about how your suck is nothing compared to my suck, and I seriously doubt it would do anything other than annoy you, I'll shut up this time. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI've only just recently followed your blog, but I've loved everything I've read so far, and I just had to comment on this--for starters, because I feel your pain. It's hard to balance being a liberated woman with an independent life, an enjoyable sex life that allows for the full range of sexual options (from casual no-strings sex all the way through the gamut to deeply emotional sex that leaves you feel profoundly different afterward, and all of these with any number and gender of partners of any range of commitment), and still be able to listen to needs. Which I know sounds weird, but there it is.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the Sexist Beatdown this Friday with Sady of Tiger Beatdown and Amanda of The Sexist. They were discussing how it isn't hookup culture that's messing up girls, it's how we're approaching it (here's a link in case you don't follow them: http://tigerbeatdown.com/?p=948) It's one of those things that, for me, was a slightly uncomfortable read because it's easy to see that I've done some of the things they address. I don't know you so I don't know where you stand. But they address what you talk about at the end of this--a "really cool chick" doesn't have needs! Cause we're, like, totally liberated past having emotional wants! Guh.
I don't know if I actually said anything here. Regardless, I really have a raging crush on your blog, so I'm super bummed to read that you aren't feeling so hot. I hope you're feeling better soon!
Holly, I think that whole cool chick thing is basically just an artifact of sexism. Why should you have to be a cool chick, other than to please "the man?" Cool is ultimately a judgment other people make about you, and has just as little to do with your actual feelings as actions of the guys who treat them like shit.
ReplyDeleteI think of myself as a cool chick when I do things that make me happy, that take care of my emotions. Anyone who's going to judge me either for having feelings and sometimes being schmoopy as you said or for wanting to fuck and having casual sex and liking it, can go fuck themselves. And not me. Feeling feely things and fucking like an animal are not actually at all opposed, and I do my best to only sleep with (or at least continue sleeping with) people who get that.
I don't need to be cool if that means being okay with having my feelings trampled and being treated like a mannequin. I can be cool by being upfront about my desires and expecting the same from my partners, and then enjoying the shit out of our encounters when what we want is the same. Cuz boy is that waaaaay more fun, and therefore way more cool, than the wham bam thank you ma'am or the leading on or any of the other games people sometimes play.
I bet you do that honesty thing just fine, and that makes you cool in my book.
You've articulated something here that I really needed to hear, Holly. I just realized that I've tried to gloss over guys' bad treatment of me because I wanted them to see me - and for me to see myself - as "the cool chick". You know, the one who enjoys sex for its own sake and isn't all possessive and stuff.
ReplyDeleteAnd I do enjoy sex for its own sake, and I'm not possessive or psycho or any of the other labels men like to threaten women with...but you're made me realize that it's not all or nothing. The options aren't a) use sex as some kind of leverage to make a man marry me vs. b) let someone treat me however they want and never call them out on it.
All I wanted, when I was single, was to have one or more regular fuckbuddies who showed up when they said they would, called if they were going to be late, and let me know if they didn't want to see me anymore. It's absolutely ridiculous how hard it was to find guys who met those basic standards.
The thing that pisses me off the most is the guys who'd decide they weren't into me anymore and just...never contacted me again. And avoided my attempts at contact. Apparently, dudes think that if they actually tell a woman they're no longer interested, there will be some huge confrontation during which she'll scream and beg and cry. They're terrified of confrontation, so instead they choose to disappear. What this translates to on my end, however, is that I'll spend a miserable week obsessively trying to figure out what's up ("Is he out of the picture or has he just been really busy? I want to get laid dammit!") whereas if he'd sent me a brief "thanks but no thanks" text, I'd've been mildly pissed off for fifteen minutes and then gone online to troll for a replacement.
I wonder sometimes if this is truly why guys do the vanishing act: not because they want to avoid conflict, but because they relish the idea of a woman tormenting herself over them.
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