I have to get better at saying "no." I spent so much of my life being awkward that I'm still not used to men hitting on me. I never developed a script for politely rejecting someone.
And I think that in trying to be nice, in trying to avoid the arrogance of saying "stop hitting on me" to a guy who might just be chatting or the meanness of saying "leave me alone" to a guy who's been friendly to me, I end up being much crueler. I go from being a rejecting bitch to being a stringing-along bitch.
This is only an issue, of course, with guys who won't shit or get off the pot. If someone actually asks me if I want to fuck/play, I can say "no." But it's hard to find the right point in a theoretically innocent conversation to say "hey, I just figured out that you're flirting with me, and you need to stop now."
I really hate not fucking people. It's lose-lose. It's awkward, the guy's unhappy, I feel bad that he's unhappy, I feel scared that he'll be angry, and my vagina goes home sad and empty. But I find that fucking people I'm not attracted to is physically and emotionally intolerable, so I'm kinda stuck.
Maybe the worst part is wondering if the guy thinks I'm enjoying the whole deal. A lot of guys seem to think that stringing a guy along is like multiple chocolate-coated orgasms for a girl, that we really dig on the power trip and we giddily high-five each other for it. God no. It might be true that I have "power" over a guy who wants to fuck me, but I didn't ask for it, I won't exploit it, and it feels about as pleasant as those dreams where you didn't study for the test.
I just have to get quicker and harsher about saying "I'm not interested." That sucks balls too, but at least it ends the torment for both of us.
OTOH, if the guy is "stealth flirting" so that you don't really have the opportunity to say no, he's also stringing himself along.
ReplyDeleteI don't think people think of themselves as "stealth flirting." There's a certain subtype of "Nice Guy" who will say "Of course she knows I want to fuck her, I was chatting with her and walking her home, wasn't I?"
ReplyDeleteHershele Ostropoler: I think there's some guys who rely on that (or on "of course she knows I want to fuck her, I'm a het guy, aren't I?"), but what I'm thinking about here is the kind of display of interest that never gets overt enough for someone to say "no, I'm not interested" (or "yes, I am interested") naturally in response.
ReplyDeleteI'm probably projecting here, because I used to do that (and then wondered why I couldn't figure out if anyone was interested in me or not... go fig).
Basically, anyone who can't articulate what they want forfeits the right to complain when they don't get it.
JFP - Good point, there's also no good place in that kind of thing to say "yes, I am interested." It requires me to not just initiate but to take a risk (I can't always tell flirting from conversation, and I would be mortified to be wrong), and unless you're so super hot that I'd feel like initiating on my own anyway, I'm not going to do that.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little concerned that one of the guys in question will read this, but fuck it, he's not identifiable here, I'll just tell the story behind this post: last night, I'm sitting with three guys. A, B, and C. A is my age and cute, B and C are older and ordinary-looking.
All three are talking with me. A makes no specific advances, just straight up chats with me but also chats with a lot of other people, and even though he's cute I'm really not sure if he's into me so neither of us tries anything.
B is quiet, but not weird, and he asks my permission to show me something cool by "tying up" my hand. He takes out a little colorful string and ties an amazingly elaborate, precise design onto my hand with that look of total focus that good rope guys get. It's a gimmick, sure, but it gets the message across--dude has SKILLZ. And then, without pussyfooting around, he explicitly asks if he can tie me up some time and I say yes and give him my info.
C is the one this post is about. C puppydogs me for half the night, being very solicitous in that way where it slowly dawns on me that he's hitting on me, but he has a total shit-or-get-off-the-pot inability so it's one of those conversations that painfully drags into "what's your favorite movie? ...Wow, great. Um, uh, what's your favorite kind of music? ...Wow, great." It's the terrible first date I never agreed to go on.
Also I was wearing a necklace, which was on my boobs, and he grabbed at it. Just "ooh, nice ti... necklace!" and he freaking grabbed at it! (Which really should have stopped everything, but this is the kind of sucker I am, I'd hate to be the arrogant bitch who flips out on a guy just because he's a jewelry aficionado.)
C spent the rest of the night trying to monopolize me and openly pouting that I had boundaries, (all without ever actually asking me to do anything) and... somehow I feel bad for how I might have made him feel.
@jfpbookworm: "Basically, anyone who can't articulate what they want forfeits the right to complain when they don't get it." YES. THIS!
ReplyDelete@Holly: Guy C was creepy and I would have cold-shouldered him at the necklace grab. If he were actually just a jewelry aficionado, he'd have learned many years ago how to NOT GRAB YOUR STUFF.
flightless
Also, I think maybe you get a distorted perspective from being a blogger who gets all those weird comments from "Nice Guys"[TM] and "Pick Up Artists"[GAG] etc? I would really not lose any sleep over people who failed to manage to hit on you.
ReplyDeleteflightless
This is an interesting post for me.
ReplyDeleteI've been here:I really hate not fucking people. It's lose-lose. It's awkward, the guy's unhappy, I feel bad that he's unhappy, I feel scared that he'll be angry, and my vagina goes home sad and empty.
And I've been C: C puppydogs me for half the night, being very solicitous in that way where it slowly dawns on me that he's hitting on me, but he has a total shit-or-get-off-the-pot inability so it's one of those conversations that painfully drags into "what's your favorite movie?
Both problems probably boil down to low self-esteem. I can't turn down sex, because the next time I'll get an opportunity might be never, and who am I to turn someone down? I'm slow to hit on someone because I tend to require an undeniable display of interest to convince myself someone I like might like me too, and I hate having an audience.
The good news is it's only one problem to overcome. The bad news is it's a really difficult problem.
About a year ago, I suddenly started noticing that women were actually hitting on me, whereas before I thought a lot of them were just being nice (the light switched on when a couple of female friends laughed at me and told me what was up with the women I was talking to). Because I spent so much of my life NOT getting a whole lot of attention from women, I'm in a similar place - I don't know how to let them down gracefully if I'm not interested.
ReplyDeleteI got stuck on a street corner having a conversation with someone for like 45 minutes because I didn't have the skills to say "I know you're interested in me, sorry, I'm just not interested back." It seems...mean, almost, to call someone out on whether they are hitting on me if they haven't outright said it.
I still have no clue how to tell the difference between flirting and casual conversation. Aside from lack of general experience, I haven't really had much opportunity in my life to see how it's done in TV or movies (not that it would necessarily be reflective of reality, but it would at least be a hint). Plus the people I normally deal with tend to either act with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the head or assume you read their mind even when they're not present.
ReplyDeleteI'm slow to hit on someone because I tend to require an undeniable display of interest to convince myself someone I like might like me too
ReplyDeleteThis. I have a feeling quite a few people are afraid of not just rejection but offense -- or at least of blowing the chance for what could be a good Platonic friendship.
A lot of these people (the ones who fear offense, at least) are "Nice Guys," orat least recovering, but all the same.