Once again, I was going to write a thinky talky post, but then I started browsing Extreme Restraints, and now my "how to reconcile feminism and BDSM" post (it pretty much just came down to "I want BDSM, giving me what I want is feminist thank you") has turned into a "get a load of this" post.
Well, get a load of this. (All links very, very NWS.)
The Head Job Ball Gag
I've seen strap-ons that attach to your thigh. I've seen ones that attach to your chest. I've seen ones for your chin, ones that cover your mouth, and ones to put a second one above a bio-dick. But this... this is new.
It definitely needs to be used with this dildo.
The Bird Cage Chastity Device
The residual nursing-home-worker part of my brain is horrified by this, because it's creating constant pressure points on his glans there, and he'll have skin erosion in like 24 hours if he tries to wear that long-term. Maybe since the penis has lots of circulation and he's able to feel and adjust for problems it'd be okay, but I still worry he's going to end up with a penile decubitus, and that's a search term that leads you to things you don't even want to think about. Turn your penises every two hours, people.
The Fetish Fantasy Super Penetrix Strap-On
First I looked at the second picture and thought "well, that doesn't seem fair." Then I went back to the first picture and thought "oh Jesus, I don't have a hole there!"
Tuggin' Tiger
Can't imagine why this is on clearance.
I'm also really weirded out by the continuing meme that Tiger Woods is the first person to ever cheat on his wife. It's like when Monica Lewinsky gave the first blowjob in history. (I'm also kind of secretly jazzed that according to his text messages, Tiger is a Dom. I mean, cheating, very bad, tsk tsk, but that's kind of hot.)
Silicone Anal Explorer Set
It's a buttplug the size and shape of a finger... that you strap to your finger. In fact, it's not safe to use unless it's on your finger. I feel like there's a middleman we could cut out here.
Locking Wrists to Penis Restraint
If this guy trips he's fucked.
The Rudy Tear-and-Share Cock Rings
I confess I don't know if this is a thing. The "wear it around town to show you want to tear and share!" sales pitch sounds a bit too "jelly bracelets and rainbow parties" to me, but maybe it's a thing and no one told me. Or maybe they're trying to start a thing? The whole concept of a sex toy that seems like an urban legend is blowing my mind.
the cock ring is calling from inside the house
Tall Japanese Drip Candles
This is what's known as the "sex tax." Paraffin candles (and despite what the copy says, paraffin "works with your skin" just fine), bought as candles, cost $0.94. But as soon as you call them sex toys, suddenly it's fourteen bucks.
Brass Snake Cock Plug
This is just exquisitely uncomfortable to look at.
The Pussy Spreader
" We have such sights to show you."
Darby-Style Handcuffs
Since I've been mean this whole post, I just wanted to point out that these are completely awesome and I want them for my birthday. Because dude.
Wow. Most of those either had me laughing or wincing. I mean, the locking wrists to penis restraint looks seriously dangerous! So much can go wrong there.
ReplyDeleteThey do have a few things I like though. :)
Has the designer of that strap-on EVER seen a woman's anatomy? I mean, ever? That's... really funny.
ReplyDelete(On the other hand, the wrists-to-penis thing? That's hot. I mean, I'm trying not to think about the actual practicalities of it very much, but I could wank to that. What? Fantasy!)
DragoJustine - There are positions where the wrists-to-ballsack (not sure why it says "penis") thing could work: sit or lie him down on the floor, or tie him to something solid. But the thought of someone walking around or being put in an unstable position (like the second two photos in the ad) with something like that on him--too scary.
ReplyDeleteWhen's your birthday?
ReplyDeletep.s. you live near me now! like omg can i have your autograph??
...ahem. What I meant was, you're awesome, and we live in the same city, and I want to be your friend. =)
You can totally have my autograph! Email me (pervocracy@gmail.com) and we can totally meet up! Are you free Friday?
ReplyDeleteDragoJustine, I don't think they've even seen a MAN'S anatomy. A dude's penis doesn't attach that high up. The dildo part of the harness looks suspiciously 'shopped in, anyway.
ReplyDeleteRe: the sex-candle thing: paraffin would work fine, but you can only get those in tealight form, right? Kind of more fiddly and less sexy to be carefully tipping a tealight over on someone. Interesting how they spell out for us that holding the flamey thing close to the sub's skin makes the wax feel hotter while holding the flamey thing up and letting the wax plummet down through the air will make it feel cooler. Anyone who didn't figure that out for themselves really shouldn't be doing BDSMy things.
Perversecowgirl - The strapon has to be shopped on, considering the no-hole problem. (Which really makes you wonder why they're carrying it, sheesh.)
ReplyDeleteMost candles of any shape are paraffin. It is important to find ones that are pure paraffin without anything added, but your average plain candle usually fits the bill.
Those are, in fact, pretty awesome cuffs. They'd be much better in stainless, though. (I hate chromed brass.)
ReplyDeleteHuh. The way tealights completely liquify a moment after you light them, I assumed paraffin would be too melty for pillar-type candles.
ReplyDeleteToo bad candles don't have ingredient lists so a person could find pure paraffin ones. And so a person could avoid ones made with soy, which I'm allergic to and probably shouldn't inhale in vapour form.
I think most "plain" white unscented cheap candles are paraffin, it definitely can be used in pillar candles (http://www.cb2.com/family.aspx?c=585&f=586), but yeah, it probably takes some looking to find ones that are definitely soy-free.
ReplyDeleteI should point out at this juncture that there's no ingredient list on the Special Sex Candles, which are presumably made of soy, peanuts, and gluten in a tangy ragweed sauce.
The clothespin thing gets me. I can see using clothespins in the protype model, but it seems weird in a retail product. Like, they couldn't have designed their own? Maybe from a material that doesn't splinter and absorb moisture? Whoever manufactures that thing really cheaped out. They could at least have included plastic clothespins.
ReplyDeleteUnscented Santeria candles. Safe, fun, and blasphemous.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite candles for social purposes are the religious devotional candles sold in glass holders. They're cheap, unperfumed, and the glass holders mean you can set one aside to melt a bit for a big wax-sploosh. I find the short ones work better. You get less candle per dollar, but the tall ones tend to drown the wick after a while.
ReplyDeleteI'm lucky enough to live in an area with lots of Jews, so there are plenty of guaranteed pure-paraffin candle options in the supermarkets. It may be a bit morbid using yahrzeit candles for kinky sex, but I'll deal. ;)
As far as those Darbies are concerned, I can't follow the link at work, but if they're the old-and-rusty replica type, stay far away. The quality is uniformly awful.
Handcuffwarehouse.com (much more reputable than it sounds; I've done business with them before) has great modern replicas in multiple sizes, in both the fixed and adjustable style. They're some of the best steel cuffs for bondage; the broad, curved surfaces aren't so dangerous to struggle against as narrow modern police cuffs.
Elmo - They're not old-and-rusty, but they have nothing on the omg-so-cool stuff at Handcuffwarehouse. I changed my mind about my birthday, I want something from THERE.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. My Handcuffwarehouse want list is as long as my arm.
ReplyDeleteThey're good people, too. I once dropped them a line asking them a handcuff-nerd question about the handcuffs used by South African police and got a polite and helpful answer back about the orders they'd filled for South African police forces. :)
Omg omg Posey restraints I want the Posey restraints!
ReplyDeleteFor some reason I like how their marketing never explicitly says "this is for perverts," too. They're just telling you about the products they carry, what you do with them is your business. That's professionalism right there.
I apologize for tempting you to kill your next paycheck. ;)
ReplyDeleteShabbat candles work well, they are also sold as "emergency" candles. The whole point is to avoid beeswax candles. Which are lovely, and smell good, and have a higher melting point than parafin.--They can burn real badly.
ReplyDeleteFrankly--going to a police supply house will get old style handcuffs--http://www.handcuffwarehouse.com/dastre1.html. They're still expensive, but Hiatt's is a good brand--and avoiding using a hacksaw is a plus dont'cha think?
Well that certainly was a eyefull.
ReplyDeleteElmo, I wouldn't come here at work.
ReplyDeleteelmo: *gibber*
ReplyDeleteYou... BASTARD! :)
Perlharq, I should see if they'll give me a commission.
ReplyDeleteAnon, my job requires social networking research, so Blogger pages are all kosher. My job is also a bit unusual with regard to "hostile" materials--I regularly get trannie porn delivered to my desk, so it's hard to get too upset over a blog that discusses sex. :)
Having followed the links now, I'm agog at the "pussy spreader".
They want 95 bucks for six clothespins, six drawstring bolos, and a needlepoint ring?