I am now two Cosmockings behind, owing to my continued lack of a keyboard. Writing this blog and answering all my email on a horrid little non-tactile phone keyboard is... an adventure. The amount of typing a full Cosmocking requires is prohibitive.
But for your entertainment, I submit without commentary a few of the questions from this month's "100 Crazy, Dirty Sex Questions." Part of that headline is very accurate.
If you're pregnant, can the man's penis hit the baby during sex?
Do guy's balls really turn blue if they don't orgasm?
Is it possible to have too much sperm in my vagina?
My guy has low-hanging balls that get in the way during sex. What are the best positions for us?
If a guy has a big penis, is he more likely to get you pregnant?
I've heard it's unsafe to do it on a trampoline. Why?
My guy has a third nipple. Is it as sensitive as the other two?
You're still without a PC? If you don't have something on the way, I can probably put together something out of my scrap heap good enough to type cosmocking.
ReplyDeleteMy guy has a third nipple. Is it as sensitive as the other two?
ReplyDeleteDear Reader: Time for a man-atomy lesson: About fourteen inches above his nipples is an organ called a "mouth", which is packed with nerve endings! [ILLUSTRATION] Speak your question in your dude's presence and his "mouth" may emit sounds which can be decoded to provide an answer.
Bonus: Your brain is pre-equipped with all of the hardware necessary to decode this information.
ReplyDeleteTime to get a cheap Bluetooth keyboard for your iPhone?
ReplyDeleteFactual answers in case you have readers who don't know some of these:
ReplyDeleteIf you're pregnant, can the man's penis hit the baby during sex?
No.
Do guy's balls really turn blue if they don't orgasm?
If a guy goes too long without ejaculating, then it may get a little painful down there (and supposedly slightly bluer, though I've never checked). But it has nothing directly to do with orgasms - it's possible for a man to orgasm without ejaculating and ejaculate without orgasming. (I know, I've done both.)
Is it possible to have too much sperm in my vagina?
No. Unless you're trying not to get pregnant and are not on birth control, in which case any at all is too much.
My guy has low-hanging balls that get in the way during sex. What are the best positions for us?
The "best positions" vary considerably from couple to couple, even without little things like that complicating it. (Plus I'm not even sure how this is literally possible anyway, unless they're doing something very strange. Most likely either the asker is uncomfortable with them slapping against her skin, or else the magazine writers made this question up.)
If a guy has a big penis, is he more likely to get you pregnant?
Very doubtful.
I've heard it's unsafe to do it on a trampoline. Why?
If you mean while bouncing on a trampoline, it's because you might seriously injure yourself on a trampoline while you're distracted with something else (such as sex). If you mean while lying down on a trampoline, it should be okay as long as you keep your head away from the metal parts around the edge.
My guy has a third nipple. Is it as sensitive as the other two?
It depends on the person. You can't know unless you ask. (While this last one is easy to make fun of, I'm guessing that the asker was planning on a "surprize nippleseks" attack.)
It's unsafe to do fuckin' anything on a trampoline. That's how I sprained my ankle.
ReplyDeleteLOL, Mark Z.!
that last one is...
ReplyDeletei mean, Cosmo is just a huge heap 'o disturbing, but that one is just...
i guess i should just be grateful that it's 2010 and not 1710, when that poor guy would have been tortured and killed for that. sigh.
and seriously, i'm gonna institute a GREAT new rule, after i take over the world: If you cannot TALK* about sex with the person you want to have sex WITH, then you may not have sex with that person. if you can't say* something like "do you like this?" or something like "*I* like this", you are officially too wonky to be trusted with the mysteries of sex.
*Ok, what i REALLY mean by "talk" and "say" is "COMMUNICATE" - sign language, grunts, pictures, visual demonstrations, WHATEVER! Comunicate!!!
Spoon and I noticed the latest issue while shopping. What grabbed my attention was the cover headline "Own His Orgasm!".
ReplyDeleteMade the comment to Spoon "Wait... I thought we gave that to you during the act?"
>:D
I read this post right after yours: http://www.starkravingmadmommy.com/2010/08/my-weekend-shopping-vodka-enemas-and.html
ReplyDelete"I used to read Cosmo sometimes at the drugstore while waiting for my anxiety asthma meds, but I had to stop even that when I saw a headline that screamed about "What Men Want In Bed Now!" All I could think was, "What the hell do they want *now*?""
I've always found Cosmo's sex tips either laughably basic and obvious ("The wild and crazy thing he secretly wishes you'd do in bed: get on top!" "The female erogenous zone that practically nobody knows about: her nipples!") and I laugh about them all the time.
ReplyDeleteI've just found out that one of my friends has been reading Cosmo for the sex tips. Like, on purpose, and not to mock them. When she told me this, I almost choked on my tongue; it was really hard to regain my composure and act nonjudgmental. But she's considerably more prudish and less experienced than I am, and has somehow never figured out how to have an orgasm (at age 36!!!!!!!!) so I guess even the tripe in Cosmo might teach her something.
Oh, and re: "if you're pregnant and have sex can his penis hit the baby?": OMFG, people. If the vagina segued into the uterus without any kind of "door" in between, how would a pregnant lady keep her foetus from falling out onto the floor? Nine months of constant kegel-flexing? This is almost as stupid as "if I swallow his cum can I get pregnant?". Even a virgin should be able to figure this shit out using simple logic.
-perversecowgirl
I'll be posting about this specific article on my own blog, because there is just so much FAIL there. The "How Not To Marry The Wrong Guy" article was pretty awful, too.
ReplyDeletePerversecowgirl, I pity the woman. She's apparently never met an actual man (and no, I don't mean any macho shit, just that she's never met an actual man, the kind who want the woman to have as much fun as they're having.
ReplyDeleteHolly, most laptops do have a keyboard. I'm typing this on one.
Sorry--Tennessee Budd on the last "anonymous." Can't remember whether I'm on LJ, WP, or what; my work filters have decided to block this site, so I don't come here as often.
ReplyDeleteShe's apparently never met an actual man (and no, I don't mean any macho shit, just that she's never met an actual man, the kind who want the woman to have as much fun as they're having.
ReplyDeleteDon't blame the men. My friend has had some selfish boyfriends, but not all of them were like that.
It can be hard to learn how to orgasm at the hands of someone else. When I had my first bf at age seventeen it took us months before he could give me orgasms - my body just didn't know how to do it. And I'd been getting myself off for years by that point. Imagine how hard it'd be to give someone an orgasm when they have no idea what one is supposed to feel like or how to get there!
Plus, being turned into a project "I'M going to give you your FIRST ORGASM!" isn't especially fun for a girl. My friend would usually stop guys from making a concerted effort to "get her there" because it felt like they were trying to earn some kind of scout badge. Remember, she doesn't know what an orgasm even feels like; she enjoys whatever sexual things she does do without feeling like anything's missing.
It's just a tricky situation.
I will say that her weirdly naive questions are starting to drive me batshit, though. "So the other day I was playing with myself and I got turned on and started to breathe hard! Is that an orgasm?" I've told her repeatedly that an orgasm is a very distinct blast of pleasure, kind of like a sneeze. But she doesn't seem to get it.
Orgasms should be easy to explain. You know you are having an orgasms if you are having unconscious genital contractions. That is, if your vagina is moving and you aren't moving it. That's more specific than "a blast of pleasure," especially because some women (like myself) have long orgasms which aren't like a "sneeze" at all.
ReplyDelete