Dark red cover! Biggest headline: "First, Take Off His Pants"! Classy! Also, "Sh*t My Boyfriend Says," because it's not vulgar if there's an asterisk! Katy Perry! I really want this woman to go away! In a romper! Because that's her thing! And no one else's! Because normal people don't like totally undressing to use the bathroom!
Pat Love, EdD, coauthor of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.
Cosmo finally found their perfect expert.
I can't help but picture the conversation, too; in my mind the couple's voices simply cut out when they try to say certain words, leaving nothing but that powerless breathy gasp you make in the nightmares where you can't scream.
"Honey, we need to talk about... haaahh."
"Oh? Is something... haaahh?"
"Well, I love you very much and I'm telling you this because I trust you, but lately I feel like... haaahh."
Sexy: Dudes on a roll [picture of guy standing indifferently on a skateboard]
Skanky: Nudes on a roll [picture of naked people on a roller coaster]
Once again Cosmo confuses "skanky" with "awesome." That's one of the happiest pictures I've ever seen. And it was a cancer fundraiser. (Mildly NWS picture.) If having fun, bending rules, and doing good is "skanky," then I'm glad I'm a skank.
A recent study found that when a guy is attracted to a woman, he'll concentrate so much brain power on wowing her that he'll temporarily lose his short-term memory for basic facts, like the name of the company you work for or your roommate. Aw, that's kinda cute.
Coincidentally, when a guy is not attracted to a woman, he won't care enough to memorize where she works or her roommate's name.
Q: Is sex on the first date a deal breaker?
A: No. I don't get why women think that. You're telling yourself that all you have to offer is your body and the physical act. There's so much more to you than that. If I like somebody, there's so many great things to look forward to, even if we do it on the first night. I want to go to different restaurants with you, hear you tell new stories, see where you work.
This is some musician named Drake, and while I've never heard of him, I had to quote him for getting a small scrap of awesomeness into Cosmo. You're cool, Drake, whoever you are.
Your fantasy: Watching two women get it on
Why it revs you up: You know what it's like to be a woman but have no idea what a man experiences. So with only females in the picture, every kiss, touch, and lick is something you can relate to. Plus, girl-girl action is usually portrayed as more sensual.
Remember, kids, there's no such thing as bisexuality! Hell, I'm not sure there's such a thing as female sexuality at all; are you, like, attracted to people? That's pretty gross.
How to use it: To get more sensual lovin' from your guy, set the scene for it: Put on slow tunes, light a candle, and slip into delicate lingerie. He'll get the message that you want to take things slow.
That's right, kids, when you feel attracted to women, the best way to explore that desire is with a man. That'll keep ya on the straight and narrow.
Also note Cosmo's continuing dedication to not saying anything, but conveying the message entirely through set design and costuming. Because, let's face it, most guys would be pretty turned off by their girlfriend whispering in their ear, "I had a fantasy about two women and tonight you're going to do me nice and slow while I tell you allllll about it."
Your fantasy: Treating your guy like a sex slave
Why it revs you up: If he has to follow your every sexual command, you're guaranteed to get exactly what you need. This fantasy hints that you feel uncomfortable being aggressive in real life and/or are reluctant to tell him that some of his moves don't work.
How to use it: There's a gentler way of letting him know what you want. Pull out a few issues of Cosmo, and circle some sex tips that will help him please you. Then leave the mags open on the coffee table (or in any spot you know he'll see them).
Yep, if you have fantasies of being dominant and taking control, the correct action to take is to be as passive as humanly possible. On the off-chance that he even sees the hints instead of moving them over so he can put down a coaster, on the further-off-chance that he gets that these are things you want him to do, on the only-visible-with-the-Hubble chance that you can find appealing suggestions in Cosmo--you're still not getting to carry out the incredibly obvious and straightforward fantasy you had in the first place.
Sometimes a cigar really is just a giant throbbing cock, Cosmo.
Hold his penis in one hand, and lightly slap it with the other. This increases blood flow to the area.
Oh, so Cosmo does know how to do femdom, they just don't know when they're doing it. I know that this would work for some guys, but because of Cosmo's strict no-talking-about-sex policy, you're supposed to not ask or warn but just start in with the whackity-whack-whack.
Cosmo's 2010 Bachelor Blowout
I will never understand this. It's just pages and pages of guys--one from every state--who don't happen to be married. And they have vapid little blurbs like "People tell me I have a great smile." And it just goes on and on. I guess most of them are above-average-looking, and some of them have their shirts off, but I don't get this. Is every Cosmo girl in Nebraska supposed to track down the Nebraska dude because "OMG he's available" or what? It's just a listing of men who exist. I'm baffled.
When you go get your Saturday morning caffeine fix, take a look around the coffee shop to see if there are any cute guys with their noses buried in a laptop. If you spot one, approach him and ask if you could borrow his computer to briefly Google something. When he hands it to you, quickly open a blank Word doc, and type in your name and number before handing it back to him.
And then...? I get the impression you're supposed to just sashay away in a puff of exotic perfume and ethereal beauty, but if you aren't an ethereal beauty then it's kind of weird. I guess this tip isn't terrible, but I don't think I have what it takes to make guys go "who was that mystery woman?" I have what it takes to make guys go "then we just started talking like we'd known each other forever," and I like that so much more.
Your man begs you to play hooky so you can enjoy a frisky day at home together... but you have a ton on your to-do list at work. You tell him...
A)"I have to turn in a report by noon, but I feel a cold coming on after that..."
B) "Screw it. My deadlines can wait a day."
C) "Keep your pants on, horndog. There's no way I'm ditching."
If you choose "C", the quiz informs you that you are "a bitch to yourself." Because if you cared about you, you'd put your job in jeopardy because your boyfriend asked you to. That's just good self-respect right there.
One guy's take on Cosmo:
ReplyDeleteIf having fun, bending rules, and doing good is "skanky," then I'm glad I'm a skank.
-- So are we! (Sincerely, The Kink Community Of Greater Boston)
This is some musician named Drake, and while I've never heard of him, I had to quote him for getting a small scrap of awesomeness into Cosmo. You're cool, Drake, whoever you are.
It's too late. The fanatically devoted Cosmonauts have already assassinated him for the sin of common sense.
Your fantasy: Watching two women get it on
Yeah? And? So what's wrong with that??? (/aggrieved, defensive tone)
Remember, kids, there's no such thing as bisexuality!
Well, shit, then some of my friends got some serious 'splaining to do...
Because, let's face it, most guys would be pretty turned off by their girlfriend whispering in their ear, "I had a fantasy about two women and tonight you're going to do me nice and slow while I tell you allllll about it."
See, I'd know this was some kind of foul female trickery designed to get me to cook dinner (admittedly for the first time in like a year).
Hold his penis in one hand, and lightly slap it with the other. This increases blood flow to the area.
I'm actually fine with the tap-and-shout, as long as they do the two breaths and compressions afterwards.
...If you spot one, approach him and ask if you could borrow his computer to briefly Google something. When he hands it to you, quickly open a blank Word doc, and type in your name and number before handing it back to him.
This would be more effective with me if they actually googled something interesting. Preferably Munchos or a good vodka. Or aardvarks.
Because if you cared about you, you'd put your job in jeopardy because your boyfriend asked you to. That's just good self-respect right there.
Wait a second... women are supposed to have JOBS? What the Christ kind of seditious blog entry IS this, anyway???
Jack - It's just compressions now. We bounce on you 100 times a minute and we don't stop... (although every two minutes we trade off).
ReplyDeletestayin alive stayin alive oh oh oh oh stayin aliiiiiive
LOL. I'm holding out for the breaths.
ReplyDeleteSo did you folks actually move to breathless already? It usually takes a couple years after the pros switch for it to trickle down to your basic Red Cross CPR classes for human services and other lower-strata-of-humanity folks.
Actually I think the laptop one is a major Cosmo advance because it's not completely and utterly passive. Jack's right that it would be better to also have googled something interesting.
ReplyDeleteJack - Actually, hands-only CPR is only for lay folk--pros still give breaths. Hands-only is not really as good, especially for long stretches, but it was felt that the counts for breaths were too complicated and made people pause compressions for too long. But if you're a healthcare provider they expect you to have help and to not be quite so easily confused (hah...), so breaths it is.
ReplyDeleteI *love* that photo!
ReplyDeleteHolly, it's scary, but I think you've more brilliant than usual when you're sick...
Seriously, those sex tips . . . wow.
ReplyDeleteThe laptop tip is weird, too. You're supposed to deliberately delay an opportunity to talk to him? "Oh, we can't talk yet, I just met you!"
I actually do think the computer one is pretty terrible. Most people are willing to let a stranger use their laptop in an emergency, but they really don't like it. It feels weird to let a stranger use something so valuable, they might be working on something private, & everyone hates being interrupted when they're trying to concentrate. The guy is going to be annoyed with you & never call. Plus, you shouldn't hit on people if you have to tap them on the shoulder & startle them to get their attention. Only approach people who look friendly & open to being approached... that's like the first rule of game.
ReplyDeletemaking fun of cancer fundraiser=new low for Cosmo?
ReplyDeletebut... are you reading cosmo from the future? nov. 10? hmmm...
ReplyDeleteBruno - I think the idea is to "create mystery." It's not a concept I ever got--I'd rather be a whole person in his eyes from the start--but I'm guessing that's the intent.
ReplyDeleteAnon - As in November 2010! Since Cosmo tends to send the issues out two weeks before the actual month starts, I'm reading Cosmo from the past.
Maybe I'm the weirdo in the woodpile here, but the coolest thing about that picture is the roller coaster with the dragon head looking slightly bemused in a naughty way. If you didn't notice it, check it again. I guarantee you'll see it.
ReplyDeleteHow was the roller coaster thing skanky? It wasn't even sexual!
ReplyDeleteSilly Cosmo. Nude isn't lewd!
Apparently Drake is a half-Jewish rapper. Thank you, my boyfriend and his roommate and their argument about whether Drake was the only Jewish rapper, whether the Beastie Boys were rappers and whether the Beastie Boys were, in fact, Jewish.
ReplyDeleteI do believe the Cosmo Bachelors are supposed to be porn!
The turnons thing is fucking weird. You left out the one where women who fantasize about submission are supposed to cross their hands over their heads, this being the universal symbol for the hittysex, which is clearly a good idea to do without negotiation or safewords.
Oh, and I only remembered this after I posted--
ReplyDeleteThe Shit My Boyfriend Says article was evenly divided between dumbass men (no, really, you can't turn off your period for a few minutes for sex purposes) and dumbass women (I'm sorry, your boyfriend cuddling you and declaring 'I'm Spider-man, you're in my web' is COMPLETELY ADORABLE).
Also, yay grocery store reading of Cosmo!
Don - Oh, that dragon (alligator? it is unclear) totally knows what's goin' on.
ReplyDeleteOzymandias - A lineup of a bunch of guys just standing there, half of them fully clothed, makes pretty poor porn. I dunno, maybe I'm just not visual, but just seeing a picture of a dude hanging out, even a damn fine dude, doesn't do that much for me.
The Beastie Boys are Jewish. Also: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Jewish_rappers
I'm actually okay with the hand-crossing; in a vanilla context I think it's a pretty clear signal for "hold my wrists" and not likely that a vanilla couple would push it further than that. I do agree that Cosmo reducing submissive fantasies to wrist-holding is super dumb though.
Hahahahahahahah, I saw the Cosmo cover, "First take his pants off" and then thought of that video you posted and had to restrain myself from shouting "AND THEN TOUCH HIM ON THE PENIS!"
ReplyDeleteOzymandias, how could you forget Matisyahu?
ReplyDeleteHolly-- I didn't say they were good porn. But they clearly appeal to the prurient interest while lacking serious literary, artistic, political or scientific value.
ReplyDeleteI will convey this helpful information to my boyfriend and his roommate immediately. One of the points of contention is settled!
I dunno. I think the words 'hold my wrists' are an even better signal. Of course, that's because if I was fucking someone who was crossing her wrists over her head, I would wonder why she was doing that, shrug and get back to doing whatever I was doing.
Graphite-- Because neither my boyfriend nor his roommate thought of it, and because what I know about rap can be summed up in 'Gold digger guy thinks President Bush hates black people, interrupted Taylor Swift.'
Never commented here before, but I just had to chip in with this:
ReplyDeletehttp://books.google.co.uk/books?id=pJH7AcCFWuQC&dq=how+to+improve+your+marriage+without+talking+about+it&source=bl&ots=V3Ljb1sxlW&sig=iseWetS75T9TjaoC5BOw67wQAkM&hl=en&ei=toHSTO2uH5SL4gb6_bnbDw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=2&ved=0CBwQ6AEwAQ
Even the summary is a whole string of what-the-fuckery.
Skanky: Nudes on a roll
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that strikes me as skanky are the seats. You don't know if the folks before you threw up on that.
If you spot one, approach him and ask if you could borrow his computer to briefly Google something. When he hands it to you, quickly open a blank Word doc, and type in your name and number before handing it back to him.
If my nose is buried in my laptop, I'm using it. Talk to me and I'll come back out of it, but if some stranger comes up and asks me to use my laptop when I'm in the middle of something, I'm going to be really put off.
On the other hand, I'll gladly lend my mad library science skillz to them what asks.
If my nose is buried in my laptop, I'm using it.
ReplyDeleteThis concept is entirely lost on legions of people who attempt to flirt with busy people by interrupting them.
In my case, that pretty much makes me start out annoyed by the interaction, and pretty much guarantees the person's going to crash and burn.
JFP - One hopes they followed standard nudist protocol and put down towels.
ReplyDeleteAebhel - If someone asked me that, I would worry it was some kind of scam and I'd be all wary and "uh, how about I Google it for you?" I'd figure a stranger asking for my laptop and turning it away from my view is planning to either bolt out the door with it or make major purchases with my credit card.
I'd figure a stranger asking for my laptop and turning it away from my view is planning to either bolt out the door with it or make major purchases with my credit card.
ReplyDeleteMe too. And if I somehow lent the laptop anyway, I'd be really pissed afterward to realize the person went rummaging through it - even if it was just to find and open Word. The programs I have on my computer are nobody's damn business.
Your fantasy: Treating your guy like a sex slave
Why it revs you up: If he has to follow your every sexual command, you're guaranteed to get exactly what you need.
Having a guy act submissive and defer to me is what I need. Even if he's really, really adept at giving me pleasure without any guidance.
And I have to say, I hate the "is sex on the first date a dealbreaker?" blurb. First-date sex shouldn't be a dealbreaker, but I suspect the guys a Cosmo girl would date are all riddled with Madonna/whore. Drake's adorable answer to the question is only going to set these ladies up for disappointment.
I don't know any songs that Drake did, but I do know that he's Canadian. Yay Canadians! :D
ReplyDelete"quickly open a blank Word doc, and type in your name and number before handing it back to him."
ReplyDeleteTerminal? File Manager? Root Console? Where the hell is your Word, you deviant?
Eli, I thought the same thing. I gotta admit, though, if I found vi open with a name and number, I'd be impressed as hell.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with the people who wouldn't hand over the laptop. And I probably wouldn't call the number unless "Call Me" or something were added. But at least it's not supinely passive.
OK, so I have to ask...
ReplyDeleteWhat should Spoon's "first step" be, since "taking off my pants" will be difficult... ;)
Hope you're feeling better soon!
Oh love me too much this cosmocking, Ms Holly!
ReplyDeleteCosmo laptop vice be, in Svutlana opinion, terrible. It no only be impolite for interrupt somebody who be engross in work, but invite all manner of complication if you no know how for toggle or accidental drop machine or forget phone number because guy be so cute.
Simple do what Svutlana do and slap sticky note with name and phone number in for side of penis and sashay off with linger aroma of Tigress by Fabergé in airs.
If the only reason you like the idea of having a sex slave is because you want to guarantee you get what you want - why the fuck don't you try telling your partner what you want?!
ReplyDeleteOh right, this is Cosmo.
Excellent Cosmocking, as ever. Thank you.