I looked at PJ longingly. I could feel the lust behind my eyes, and the entirety of my body was subtly tightened, my breath catching just a little in my throat, my mind swimming with desire to feel him inside me.
"I want to fuck you," I said out loud.
"I don't want to," he said, gently. "I don't feel that way about you."
And it was okay. It hurt a bit at first, my ego and my libido both being large and sensitive areas, but it was okay because now I knew. I didn't have to watch him for secret signals and coded messages and "this is your big chance" moments, and I didn't have to send any of my own. Were we friends or was something else developing under the surface? We were friends. Over time this became not just okay but good, because it gave us the freedom to be friends. "Friend" may not be as much fun a role as "lover" when a sexy man is involved, but it beats the hell out of "lover-in-waiting."
If only it always was this simple.
ReplyDeleteAnon - Sometimes it's not simple. But other times, we deliberately make it complicated when it doesn't have to be--either because we're afraid to ask, or because we simply don't conceive of asking; we conceive of just falling into a magical moment.
ReplyDeleteBut I believe that when you ask and someone says "no," it means you never had a chance and you're better off knowing that for certain. When you ask and they say "yes," it means you don't have to wait any longer and you can be deliriously happy together. And when you don't ask but wait for that magic moment, it means you drive yourself insane.
I love that you could take his 'no' at face value. There are so many people who would think, "I could change his mind once we get to know each other." And continue to follow him around with sheep's eyes and, "watch him for secret signals and coded messages..."
ReplyDeleteWhich is why I am uncomfortable being "just friends" with someone that I know finds me attractive if I don't reciprocate.
Vicky - Unfortunately, that last part is part of the reason people are afraid to ask--they're afraid that just by broaching the subject they won't even be friends any more.
ReplyDeleteAnd that does suck, and is complicated. I guess my only answer to that is that if you've gone beyond attraction and into full-on pining, you don't really have a normal friendship anymore anyway.
Wait a second...
ReplyDeleteYou mean it's not okay to engage in Secret Insano-Pining and fuck up the friendship (as well as often annoying half or more of the mutual circle of friends watching you take the Extended Swan Dive Into Narcissistic Mopery)?
Well, shee-it. I've been doing it wrong all these years. On the other hand, that explains a lot...
Aww, Jack, you can just tell me. My current poly licencing agreement allows up to 8 partners, with the option for 40 if I upgrade to the Professional Edition.
ReplyDeleteAlso, another thought for Vicky - Often friendships fall apart after declarations of love/lust because the declarer was acting like a pining fool before the declaration, and the declaree is creeped out now that all the pieces suddenly fall into place.
I was into Insano-Pining and the Extended Swan Dive Into Narcissistic Mopery before they got famous...
ReplyDelete@Holly: ohthankgoodness. I haven't had anyone in the Slightly-Demented Ginger slot since, let's see, early winter of '96.
ReplyDelete@Ozy: do you have their B-side cover of 'My Bacteria Are Feeling A Wee Bit Triste At The Nonce' on vinyl? I played it for Holly once -- she can tell you, it's completely overwrought.
Oh -- and Holly --
ReplyDeleteSo being poly means you just fuck lots of people, right?
(whistling)
MURDERDEATHKILLSTABEXPLODERRRRRRAAARRRRGHHHHHH
ReplyDeleteAnd that MURDERDEATHKILLSTABEXPLODE stuff -- you think it's just okay to do that kinda thing to people? That's a mental illness, Sassafrassimastication, right? What if they don't want to be MURDERDEATHKILLSTABEXPLODEed? Isn't that a sin against God? (trad. second half of Argument From Tiresomeness)
ReplyDeleteI think the question of when to pine and when to be honest about your intentions comes down to what you want from the friendship.
ReplyDeleteI have a very close friend with whom I've been in love for years, in a mostly unreciprocated manner. I genuinely enjoy his friendship, and don't simply want to be with him. We are such close friends that it is only when I try to hide my feelings that problems happen between us- and then, only because I've been lying to him. We need to build our friendship on trust, and trust is built on honesty.
Another friend, though, makes clear his pining for me in somewhat creepy ways- posting about how I broke his heart on his blog, etc. etc. It's gotten to the point where I've been forced to push away a good friend just because he wasn't willing to be a friend without angsting about it.
Honesty is good if you'd settle for friendship, but first you have to be honest with yourself as to whether you really would.
-C
Dude. I really need to learn to do this. Not just with the whole sex thing--being controlled by your own fear of rejection pretty much sucks, no matter what area of your life it happens in.
ReplyDeleteDon't you love when you can be that open and honest with someone. Makes life so much simpler. Ahhhh.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I wish I was brave enough to do this. Perhaps I'll give it a shot. Being heartbroken for a moment is, as Holly says, much preferable to being mostly heartbroken for a REALLY LONG TIME.
ReplyDeleteIt's just hard to convince myself of that at times.
And, really, there are few friendships in my life that make me as happy as this one, so top marks to team us.
ReplyDelete