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Friday, May 27, 2011

Prove it.

When I was 9 or so, I was on the schoolbus with a female friend when an older boy came and sat next to us. "You're not really girls," he said. "You look like boys to me. You look just like boys." He wasn't joking around. He was accusatory.

"We're girls!" we said, confused and slightly hurt.

"Oh yeah?" he said. "Prove it. You know how." He glanced at our crotches.

We went back and forth a few times with "But you know we're girls!" and "Nope. Only one way to prove it." My friend, embarrassed and flustered, flashed him her labia. I didn't, but I also didn't stop her or tell anyone. He went away.



It scares me how much of people's adult lives are spent reenacting this same scene. Simply identifying myself as a woman doesn't ever seem to make me woman enough. If I don't look woman and act woman and talk woman, I might accidentally be a man, and that would be terrible.

This is what the intellectual-feminism types call "performing gender." It's when you put on makeup not because you like to wear makeup, not even because you think the makeup makes you look attractive, but because you don't want to look like a man.

And at its heart, it's subject to a horrible circularity of argument. If a woman has visible facial hair, saying "she doesn't look like a woman" ought to be a blatant oxymoron--you're looking at a woman right now, so I'd say that's what a woman looks like! For a woman to change her appearance for the sole purpose of looking "more like a woman" ought to be as silly as dressing your dog up as a dog.

This is an equal-opportunity form of sexism, too--how many times a day are men implored to act like "real men"? With the implication being that if they screw it up, they'll be... fake men? Women? Gay? Probably gay. From how they dress to how they walk, the desire to not be gay dictates way too much of the social behaviors of millions of guys who weren't even attracted to men in the first place.

(Digression: I think this constant pressure to broadcast "I'M A STRAIGHT MAN REALLY I AM" is responsible for, among many other things, street harassment. Most guys who hoot at women in the street aren't doing it because they think it'll make the woman drop to her knees in adoration and arousal; they're doing it to prove to their buddies--or themselves--that they're a straight manly man.)

Never mind "this is what a feminist looks like"--now I want a t-shirt that says "this is what a woman looks like."

53 comments:

  1. Really, it's as dumb/pointless as going "Holly? You don't *look* like a 'Holly'."

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  2. If you ever want to see "real men" affirmation at it's most pathetically hilarious, look for any sort of "male" branded moisturizer, facial cleanser or any other male beauty product that isn't a basic cleaning necessity, then read the back of the container.

    "Trust me, dude, this stuff won't make you gay, I promise! We're gonna kick that dry skin's ASS brah! This shit's like some sort of badass, exfoliating commando! It's gonna go all Chuck Norris on your face, man! (nohomo) The chicks will be lining up on your beef whistle!"

    First off, I don't like it being implied that taking care of one's appearance is "gay". Buying skin care products doesn't make me gay, liking men makes me gay. Do straight men really need that much reassurance just because they want a fucking facial cleanser?

    Second, it's just insulting that they think that level of BS would even work on a halfway-intelligent human being. If I wanted to be pandered to, I'd turn on the news, thank you.

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  3. Have you read Michael Kimmel's Guyland? It tackles a lot of the 'patriarchy/gender performance hurts men too' stuff. The book pretty much backs up your claim that street harassment (and rape and gay bashing and...) are products of men trying to prove their masculinity to other men, at least partially. It's a really interesting, quick read.

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  4. Hermetic: So, so true. In fact, in the Rite Aid I shop at, the men's grooming products are in an entirely different aisle all the way across the store from the women's products, I would imagine just to be sure said products don't catch any girliness.

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  5. "Trust me, dude, this stuff won't make you gay, I promise! We're gonna kick that dry skin's ASS brah! This shit's like some sort of badass, exfoliating commando! It's gonna go all Chuck Norris on your face, man! (nohomo) The chicks will be lining up on your beef whistle!"

    I bought men's deodorant the other day... One of the advertising points on the can is a "Masculine scent" xD

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  6. @Hermetic

    I'm fairly certain that the first deodorant I used was a "women's" product. In fact, the only reason I switched away from it was because I started itching horrendously any time I used a roll-on type or stick type. I now have to use gel, and chose the only brand I could find that marketed itself as an antiperspirant, not just a deodorant, because I sweat like a pig.

    Also, I most certainly use "women's" shampoo and conditioner. I do the herbal baby, and it does wonders for my curls.

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  7. It's still ok to like the Old Spice guy, though, right?

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  8. Anonymous 3:08 - I actually tend to like "masculine scents". Not sure if that's social conditioning, or if leathery, smoky colognes are just my thing, both to wear and on other guys.

    PersonalFailure - What do they do with the gender neutral stuff like Aveeno? Is it cast out until it "picks a team"?

    Digitrev - Nothing wrong with girly stuff. Heck, half the time it's the only stuff that will get the job done, if you want something more than "generic cleanser with gender-approved scent".

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  9. This reminds me of a Gloria Steinem essay about her response to when she tells people her age (60 or 70 at the time, I can't remember) and they'd always say, "Oh, but you don't look it!" Her standard response was always, "This is what 60 looks like."

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  10. Anon - I like the guy. Not so much the "Your man can't smell like a lady because then he'd be a lady and then how can he be your man except that he already is your man" logic puzzle.

    He's on a horse.

    Hermetic - Aveeno usually gets classed either as "lady" or put in a third, separate aisle for "natural" or "therapeutic" stuff, which does tend to be gender-neutral. (Although, weirdly, dandruff shampoo seems to be largely masculine. Is dandruff actually a male trait, or related to having short hair, or is this just a Thing? Go figure.)

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  11. Anonymous 3:32 - Oh sweet jesus the Old Spice Guy. I don't care WHAT you want your man to smell like, that guy is liquid sex in a hot brown wrapper.

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  12. Holly - It's probably masculine, either because women should never HAVE dandruf (because they're expected to be perfectly groomed at all times, of course), or guys MIGHT actually have more dandruff, because using something that moisturizes your scalp properly would be "gay".

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  13. The only thing that can detract from The Man Your Man Could Smell Like is that, judging from the product he's actually hawking (it's their body wash, even though most people just get the general Old Spice message, if not just the Isaiah Mustafah message) he smells like a rancid high school chem lab. I bought that stuff once, it's seriously grotesque, not at all like the brand's liquid scent or deodorant products. If only he was The Man My Man Could Look And Sound Like instead, eh?

    Anyway, boy YEAH is there a hell of a lot of pressure on men to prove they're Straight Manly Men. It's actually rather nice being openly queer for exactly that reason- it takes one off the treadmill. (The only time I ever put on any remotely camp mannerisms is when someone is implicitly trying to get me to prove my Straight Cred. Reactions are generally hilarious.)

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  14. I've noticed dandruff on more guy shoulders than girl shoulders, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's related to Hermetic's guess that properly hydrating hair products are way too gay, bro.

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  15. Relating to your anecdote, it's disturbing that some guys seem to think that's ok to do, and the way it plays out online as "you're not a real woman unless you show me your tits on cam!!"

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  16. "(The only time I ever put on any remotely camp mannerisms is when someone is implicitly trying to get me to prove my Straight Cred. Reactions are generally hilarious.)"

    I used to know a guy who actually did the "nohomo" thing. Every now and then, when I'd say something "gay" sounding, he'd say "Say 'nohomo' dude!"

    I'd give him the most predatory grin I could manage and say "oh, yes homo, Carl. Yes homo INDEED."

    It freaked him out, which amused me in an awful, petty way.

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  17. Sprite and I always say "nohomo" when we kiss.

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  18. If you want to see male gender enforcement as it is performed in the wild, read this page, but I warn you now, it's depressing:

    http://officialmancard.com/tag/man-card/

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  19. In addition to not wanting to be gay, I think not wanting to be a *woman* is part of the equation too, or maybe that and not wanting to be gay are very intimately related.

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  20. "For a woman to change her appearance for the sole purpose of looking "more like a woman" ought to be as silly as dressing your dog up as a dog."

    This made me laugh and then do a little cringe-laugh as I realized just how ridiculous gender is.

    Some things are even more ridiculous than dressing your dog up like a dog, though. I think feminine clothing is a bit like dressing your dachshund up in one of those hot dog costumes every time you take them to the park, because that's what dachshunds wear. Hello, that's why we call them wiener dogs. If it isn't wearing it's hotdog costume, no one will be able to tell it's a dachshund, and then how will they know how to interact with it? What does it even mean when it wags it's tail? Is it going to bite me? Is it going to convince that german shepherd to take of it's police dog costume?! CHAOS.

    It's dressing your dog up like a dog but with weird cultural symbols, instead of with fur and ears.

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  21. Emma - To really distort the metaphor, it's like dressing your dachshund up as a poodle (because those are the ideal dogs and every dog's beauty is measured on how poodle-like it is).

    And then also putting a hot dog costume on it, because even the most purebred show poodle still isn't good enough without having weird cultural symbols too.

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  22. DUUUUDE! The talk of men's grooming products made me need to show this to y'all! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUjh4DE8FZA

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  23. Hey, I got some gender-based advertising to get upset about.

    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_t6rV3U9ZEHM/TGV7UfCDYJI/AAAAAAAA4-Q/c24K0MWMpe0/s1600/RDCAkarate2.jpg

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  24. Anon - I choose to believe that ad is saying "Your boy likes high heels? Well, he might have to karate chop some assholes who give him shit about it. Make sure he's on the winning side."

    That's not what it's saying, but I like to dream.

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  25. Perversecowgirl - It's like Brawndo made a shower gel.

    Anonymous 6:55 - That one dragged up a particularly bad memory for me.

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  26. On the up side, the ads didn't run, and the ad agency apologized for leaking the concepts. http://www.bilerico.com/2010/08/karatesissy_ad_update_a_teachable_moment_in_stereo.php

    Ironically, the ad agency's slogan was "Erase Stereotypes."

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  27. Speaking of dressing up your dog...a few months ago I was fostering a sweet little mixed-breed. When I first got her, I went to the pet supply store and asked for help finding a collar.

    "Is it a boy or a girl?" the employee asked.

    "Uh...a girl?" I said. I honestly had no idea why he was asking this.

    "Well, we have some pink ones over here," he said. So yeah, apparently even a dog has to have a clearly defined gender. I ended up buying a black collar with little skull-and-crossbones on it, mainly because I wanted something that looked cool and I didn't care if people misgendered my dog, for fuck's sake.

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  28. I always feel a little weird, as a man, when I purchase women's socks. They're not even stereotypically feminine. There's no pink or purple. They're just ordinary white athletic socks. It seems strange that they need to market them as women's products and then not provide the same product except with the word men on the package, for us men with small feet.

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  29. Anonymous, I think you're right about not wanting to be a woman / not wanting to be gay being very intimately related. I've always felt that the major cause of homophobia is that being queer makes you impossible to stamp into a classic gender mold.

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  30. Holly - And then photoshopping all the pictures of it!

    trickunicorn - people are so insistent on animals having human gender. We had a male cat with a female name, and occasionally people would actually try to talk about his relationship with our other male cat in terms of him being "the girl." WTF? They're cats, they don't understand what you've named them. Their relationship is about cuddling and trying to steal food.

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  31. How timely. I literally looked at this story just before I checked your feed and came here:

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-13581835

    It's about the Canadian child whose parents are refusing to disclose hir gender.

    I don't get the enforced gender roles thing. I don't. Because if men are naturally one way and women another, the way a lot of people think it is, then why does our fucked-up culture HAVE to push to make sure EVERYONE is defined as either a man or a woman, and that their gender is communicated in socially-acceptable way?

    I mean, if it's "natural" for men to be "manly" and for women to be "womanly," then why force the issue? If it's natural, you won't be able to PREVENT it from manifesting. Just like you don't try to make goats into dogs or sheep into chickens. I mean, okay, some people can be pretty obnoxious re: wanting animals to be something other than what they are, but hopefully I've made my point clearly enough to be understood.

    Why waste all that time and energy trying to force something that is, according to many of these same people, a foregone conclusion? Because the assertion that boys must act like boys and dress like boys in order to be considered boys seems to me to be an admission that gender is NOT fixed at birth.

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  32. I was talking to a guy who owned a female retriever puppy named Dallas, recently, and the fact that she was wearing a pale pink collar was the only thing that kept me from tripping over pronouns the whole time I was talking about her.

    I don't think it's necessary to apply gender cues to your pet, but it does seem a pragmatic choice on a dog if people are guessing wrong, and you don't enjoy watching the kind of conversational crashes that result. (I've got enough of an edge to me that I do rather enjoy it, at least for a while.)

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  33. What I don't get - why do we need to tell people the gender of our pets? I had a cat once that the entire family believed was male, then she had kittens. One trip to the vet later and she was treated exactly the same as before.
    If someone called her "he" I wouldn't bust a gut, ya know?

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  34. Finally I get to link this; a bit how Steve Hughes defends picking girly subjects like cooking over sports in high school:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=in9SiDtJLaU

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  35. I am always entertained by watching people apologize for mis-gendering my dogs. They are both very fluffy males, and people usually assume that one or both of them are female, and then get terribly worried by having used the "wrong" pronoun for a creature that couldn't care less what you're saying unless it is in one way or another connected to food, scritches, or walkies.

    I also now want to dress my dogs up as each other. It would be delightfully surreal.

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  36. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85HT4Om6JT4

    I'm not sure if this show has made it across the pond. I kind of like that it makes fun of double-standards and manages to point them out as silly, rather than come off as "ha ha, hate to be a woman and have to put up with that."

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  37. I can definitely say that even when I try to avoid the stupidity of gender roles, there's always a bit of apprehension when I'm trying to pick out shower products. I'm a guy, but I have long hair - what shampoo do I use? Will I be judged if I get the "wrong" kind? What will that random woman with her screaming three year old think of me for buying a shampoo meant for women? When I'm buying shower gel, does that random guy know I use a loofah, and is he judging me for it?

    Quite frankly, it's freaking exhausting. And even knowing it's ridiculous and stupid, I can't escape it. And this is something I only need to do once every couple of weeks; there's plenty of crap that I - and, surely, many other men and women - get judged for every damn day. It's enough to make me want to scream, but I can't, for fear that'd make me a woman.

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  38. I have no idea why people bust a gut if you misgender a dog, but I've had it happen to me, so I always ask "he or she?" when meeting a new dog. It's silly, but some people do get upset.

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  39. I know it's a little late, but the men-centered skin/hair product slogan that really, really grated on my nerves was "man-suit." Or "man-hide." Or "man-skin." It's like mens' skins are some sort of prized pelt that we must protect from Canadian pelt tradesmen (gay pelt tradesmens at that, probably).

    Honestly, it always gave me the image of a reverse Silence of The Lambs scenario. Like some deranged executive at Old Spice or wherever was trapping dudes to make his man-suit. My partner and I, whenever the commercials were on, would add after the tagline "it buys the Old Spice or else it gets the hose again!"

    JMb

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  40. Hahahahahahahahah. From that article about the Canadian couple with the baby of unknown gender: Kathy Witterick and David Stocker have been widely criticised for imposing their ideology on four-month-old Storm.

    Y'know, as opposed to everyone else imposing their ideology on the baby, instead.

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  41. Personally, I think it's a little bit cruel to raise a baby with a presumptive gender.

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  42. "imposing their ideology on four-month-old Storm."

    I thought we just called that raising your children?

    People use this language all the time when they don't like how parents, or especially teachers are telling kids something. Agree with what kids are learning? Then it's teaching. Don't agree? That's indoctrination! It drives me nuts because it completely shuts down any actual discussion about teaching. I've started thinking of it as a sort of Godwin's light, where you don't come out and say people are Nazis, but you imply that they're some kind of totalitarian pawn.

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  43. I've seen articles about the Canadian couple's "genderless" baby in a few spots, and what gets me most is the frothing rage in the comments. It is just so damn important to these people that they know the genital configuration of this baby! How dare the parents not tell them! What gives them the right to withhold this super-vital information?!

    Plus of course you always get the rants about "Penis equals BOY and vagina equals GIRL, period!" and "What do they mean, let the kid choose a gender later on? You can't just choose a gender!" Yeah, well, tell that to trans people*.

    *I know that trans people aren't "choosing a gender", they're living as the gender they actually are inside; but it still usually boils down to a person with a penis living as female or a person with a vagina living as male, which is what the rude commenters are talking about anyway.

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  44. @Emma - I've read the comments section on the ungendered child article. It's not just Godwin light. About every 10-15 comments, someone would proclaim that "It's a child, not an experiment! These so-called parents are just like Mengele!" And then they would insist that Storm is a boy because zir picture in the article clearly showed masculine features.

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  45. @perversecowgirl - I saw a few comments where people didn't even mention 'vagina equals girl.' Just 'you can tell the gender by whether it has a penis or not!' Thought it definitely said something about gender roles - men are more important than women (or "not men" as this comment implied) and they show they are men by not being like women. Which gets back to the whole street-and-other-harassment-proving-your-masculinity thing.

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  46. Wow. That just confirms for me the wisdom of my policy against reading unmoderated internet comments.

    I hear the "indoctrination" accusations a lot in totally mainstream, non-anonymous contexts too, though. Getting everyone to agree on public education is probably impossible, but it makes it impossible for anyone to even try.

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  47. I find it funny how people used to assume that I was gay because I didn't specify that I was straight. Apparently if you do not say that you are straight, you are by default gay.

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  48. "For a woman to change her appearance for the sole purpose of looking "more like a woman" ought to be as silly as dressing your dog up as a dog."

    Best line of the week

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  49. Gah. Being a queer transman just turns this up to eleven; you get people who INSIST they're all for gender equality nagging me for how do I KNOW I'm not just a lesbian, and I don't get to be a real man until I buy myself a big fancy surgically constructed penis.

    Do you have ANY idea what one of those fuckers COSTS on the white market? It's insane! I could fund a fucking college education for the cost of one penis!

    Thanks to having surgery, I now have a ridiculously formal letter that states that because I have had surgery, I am now "functioning in my male gender."

    That's right. Only NOW could I get my paperwork changed because I whacked off my tits.

    I kinda want it framed on my wall, just for the stupidity of it.

    --Rogan

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  50. Are... are gay men not real men? Is this a thing? Cuz I know a lot of gay men, and they seem pretty dude-tastic. (Seriously, guy-guy relationships work weird. I've given up trying to understand, I just smile and say "I'm glad you're happy." Also, the whole bit about gay guys being more into personal grooming and cleanliness than straight guys? IT IS A MYTH. Some are, sure, but I've been in some gay guys' bathrooms that are exactly like you'd expect a bathroom to be in a house inhabited solely by men.) I'm just saying, other than the whole "liking dudes" thing, the gay men I've known have all been pretty goddamn manly.

    Regarding the "prove you're a girl" on the bus scenario - I vaguely remember comparable incidents as a kid, but I tended to respond to them with the blank stare of "you are strange and off-putting; I'm going to ignore you now." (I didn't actually have a lot of friends in elementary school, possibly because of this method of conflict resolution; I'm kind of ok with that.)

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  51. I remember a similar incident. A boy came up to me in elementary school and demanded I prove that I was a girl.

    My response was something along the lines of "Well, I don't quite think I am, but I know that you *are* a brat."

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  52. Been reading as I work my way to the present.... and I'm remembering the whole "would you take a million dollars to switch from male to female or vice versa" thought experiment. And also mulling this concept of asexuality. I used to wonder if I was somewhat asexual. Except I've figured out I just haven't worked out all the obstacles surrounding piv sex for me..... Sex itself is definitely a yummy thing to have periodically.

    Do people ever talk about the concept of maybe being agender? Like.... I don't think I'd take a million dollars to be male.... because I don't think I want to be male..... but I might take a million dollars to be Neither Male Nor Female. I'm a lot more No That Male Thing Definitely Isn't Me than I am You'll Take My Femaleness Over My Dead Body.....

    I dunno.... just more to to think about....

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  53. I would take a million dollars to be male, IF I didn't have to get an operation, just change gender.
    I'd just spend the rest of my days at home and wear jeans and t-shirt just like I do now. Would be a bit difficult to get used to a male name and pronouns, but for a million dollars, I'd absolutely do it.

    I would not, however, change anything about my body for money. Neither sell a kidney nor sell my reproductive organs. I'm rather attached to them.

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