My last post has gotten pretty heavily criticized. And I think the critics are right.
I think the problem I have is that, for me, femininity is something artificial, something added on. Obviously not everyone experiences it this way.
I, personally, feel masculine when I'm not trying and feminine only when dolled up. I, personally, feel like femininity is uncomfortable and inconvenient. I, personally, feel like femininity is something that requires me to make effort and make changes, and masculinity is just how I am when I wake up.
I, personally, am not everyone.
I, personally, really may not be a woman.
Or you may be a woman who feels just the way you do.
ReplyDeleteAnon - Maybe? But then I don't even know what a woman is.
ReplyDeleteYou may feel better after wandering through an art gallery, something old, that celebrates female beauty as the simple, natural beauty it can be.
ReplyDeleteFrida kahlo would be one of my favourites.
You might be spending too much time reading cosmo =P (I joke)
Sinead - Honestly, it's not Cosmo so much as the world at large. I can't help feeling like almost every woman out there is doing the femininity thing more than I am, or more competently, or more willingly, or something.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how much of this feeling is real.
Femininity is definitely not equal to being a woman. There is obviously a correlation between the two, but butch women exist, even masculine women; femme guys exist; femme/masculine genderqueer people exist; and so on.
ReplyDeleteFrom my experience talking with others about this topic (and from my own life), most people don't really notice aspects of their gender (or lack thereof) unless it's a mismatch in some form. In other words, discomfort is what makes it apparent that anything exists in the first place.
In your case, Holly, it seems like your discomfort with femininity (in certain aspects) leads you to notice that you're not necessarily inherently feminine. But there are other layers to that as well.
Long time lurker, first time commenter, getting tired (but probably not as tired as Holly) that every time Holly posts along the lines of "I'm probably not a woman." everyone jumps in "You totally are, look you've got tits and everything!".
ReplyDeleteThe thing that makes you a woman is feeling like a woman. The thing that makes you a man is feeling like a man. The thing that makes you non of the above is feeling like non of the above, which, if I've understood correctly, Holly, is kinda where you're at? End of. It's not complicated.
Gender is not a social construct, any more than sexual orientation, it's something we tend to Just Know about ourselves. What is a social construct is how we perform that internal gender identity (femme/ butch, masculine/feminine etc) so other people can understand what's going on in our head. That doesn't make it artificial, or fake, and certainly not a bad thing, though.
So, if Holly feels on the masculine side of agender (do correct me if I'm wrong) and presents this to the world as the masculine side of androgynous, how about we support hir identity and stop projecting on to it? It's only courteous.
Obviously your gender identity is something only you can really work out, and you might just end up being more comfortable identifying as genderqueer or whatever, but I think you might be assuming more about other women's successful performing of femininity than you should.
ReplyDeleteFor example, you've talked about hair before, and how you feel about being mistaken as a man when it's short, even though you like the ease that comes with short hair. As someone who presents with incredibly girly hair, I guess, I can easily see you reading me as successfully performing my gender identity, or whatever. Really, though, for me thigh-length curls are a sign of laziness and the same desire for ease that makes you cut yours short. If my hair gets close to shoulder length, much less any shorter, it turns into a frizzy uncomfortable nightmare and requires a huge amount of upkeep to be not just presentably, but manageable and comfortably out of my face. So I leave it long. And go years without haircuts, because I'm cheap and while cutting 2 inches off my hair takes less time than giving someone a short cut it costs twice as much, and because I've got more interesting things to do than to actually make an appointment to deal with it. And then one day I notice my hair, which in my head stops mid-back, hits the tops of my thighs. My hair really isn't long to show I'm a girl, it's long because I'm lazy and am fighting the hairstyle that all the women in my mom's family (and some of the men)inevitably acquire, which requires getting it cut every couple of months or having a weird Irish-fro thing that will get in your eyes if you sweat or it rains.
I used to struggle with feeling I wasn't presenting as feminine enough a great deal (despite the ridiculous hair and being the kind of fat that gives one hips and ass and tits), because of being tall and big and not ever feeling much like a girl.
I really think feeling comfortable as a woman had a lot to do with coming to terms with my body as never being completely socially acceptable but still enjoyable and sexual and working for me. Honestly, right now I'm stinky, unshowered, and undressed in my apartment, and I feel much more comfortable with my identity as a woman now than I did when I was in a bridesmaid's dress and makeup last weekend, because this is the kind of woman I'm good at being.
If the kind of woman you're good at/comfortable being feels masculine, or if the kind of person you're good at being isn't comfortable with the gender identity you've been using the important thing is being comfortable with yourself in your private/safe places, even if you have to perform in public/work/etc.
@Holly:"I can't help feeling like almost every woman out there is doing the femininity thing more than I am, or more competently, or more willingly, or something." I feel this way a lot, too. I guess the difference is that I, personally, still don't mind being ID'd as a woman.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm still just trying to understand where you're coming from, because it's important to me to understand other people's perspectives as best I can. Before you said you don't ID as either gender, and today you say you ID as male. Maybe you just ID as one or the other at different times? It doesn't matter - but I think perspectives like yours help to shed light on what gender is, what it isn't, what it means to different people that I wouldn't otherwise think about, so for that I value your contributions and your experiences.
From the other post:
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that a lot of expressions of femininity are inconvenient, labor and money intensive, or submissive. The fashions and mannerisms expected of women are generally more sexualizing and less useful than the ones expected of men.
This is a feature, not a bug. The entire point of femininity is to hobble women, to rub their faces in the fact that they are the sex class, and to make sure that they don't get any crazy ideas about their humanity being equal to that of men.
I, personally, feel masculine when I'm not trying and feminine only when dolled up. I, personally, feel like femininity is uncomfortable and inconvenient. I, personally, feel like femininity is something that requires me to make effort and make changes, and masculinity is just how I am when I wake up.
It's *not* just you. You are recognizing the central fact of patriarchy: masculine == human; feminine == subhuman.
Hmm how about doing a post on what femininity is?
ReplyDeleteAlong the lines of
Femininity is... - pretty pink dresses, - long white tips nails etc etc
And when you get an insane amount of comments disagreeing with your idea of femininity you might find a definition you like and feel suits you?
Whoops, I just commented on the last thread... should've refreshed before doing that!
ReplyDeleteHolly, re: your feeling that you're not doing femininity "right", I went through something similar a few years ago. I wasn't doing the kind of deep thinking about gender that you are doing right now; instead I took an entirely aesthetic approach to figuring my shit out. All the conceptualization came later.
Though I'm straight, I started obsessing over butch fashion sites like http://www.dapperq.com/ and http://androstyle.tumblr.com/ and trying on piles and piles of men's clothes. I chopped off my long hair and sold it to a wigmaker, which was basically one of my awesomest moments in fashion.
What I discovered... first of all, there is no reason to shop in any part of H&M besides the men's sale rack. (Seriously, their cardigans and sweaters are made out of MUCH better materials than ours). Also, I love my short hair, I love my combat boots, I love the way my legs and ass look in men's chinos.
But I'm also very female. Now I feel good in my skin as a woman. But I had to start performing my gender according to MY criteria and noone else's in order to get to that point.
Whatever you discover about your gender, know that there are many ways to be a woman, and that some of us have felt every bit as displaced as you do now.
Good luck.
I haven't had a chance to read the comments on your other post, and I'm sorry if you had some negative ones. I didn't take it as you saying that I also woke up as a man because I hadn't done my hair or put on makeup; I took it as a post about how you aren't cis.
ReplyDeleteI myself am a femme cis woman. But even that I interpret in my own way; I don't wear heels, I only wear makeup on special occasions, and I don't shave my legs. But I love flowy, femme dresses and ruffles and tight minidresses and doing my hair so it looks pretty. But that's me! I do it because it's fun (for me). I certainly don't think it's a requirement of femininity or womanhood. I also recognize that that I am privileged to feel so comfortable being a "feminine" "woman."
Good luck on exploring your own gender identity.
Holly wrote, "Sinead - Honestly, it's not Cosmo so much as the world at large. I can't help feeling like almost every woman out there is doing the femininity thing more than I am, or more competently, or more willingly, or something."
ReplyDeleteYeah, this is the Gordian knot I'm still trying to untie. Do I not feel female because society's expectations for female presentation are hard for me, or because I'm genuinely genderqueer?
I remember feeling shocked when I started reading and asking around more, and a *lot* of people who I thought were better at being female than I was still don't feel like they've quite got it. Maybe cultural pressures make most women feel like they're never female *enough*, kind of like how no one is skinny enough?
I'm looking forward to reading more posts where you explore this! :)
@Holly: Not to question your gender identity or anything, but I can assure you that they're all failing at it too, because it's impossible not to fail at it.
ReplyDeleteI can say honestly that if being a man is muscles and watching the game I totally fail at being a man. But it's okay! Nobody I know has big muscles and likes football and likes beer and gets laid a lot. It's just not possible to match a stereotype exactly, and FWIW I don't think it's terribly worth it to try.
So I was an anon commenter on your last post (3:01 AM) and I just wanted to say thanks for listening and considering our thoughts. And you know, this post doesn't make me feel bad at all. I think it's because I was interpreting your last post as prescriptive - that is, that you were saying "male" and "masculine" are default for everyone, and furthermore that "femininity" is only what Cosmo and stereotypes tell you is feminine. Which I reacted negatively to, because... well, that's not my experience, on either count.
ReplyDeleteBut in this post you make it very clear that no, you mean yourself - for you, "masculine" is default. And to that I say, rock on. Your gender identity is always up to you, obviously. :)
"I think the critics are right" is an unusual and brave sentence on the internet. Kudos.
ReplyDeleteTo me, "femininity" is sort of a vague concept. The world can refer to both the condition of being an identifying as female, and to the pink frilly trappings thereof.
I have a lot of ambivalence about the pink frilly trappings, and I'm still searching for the gender presentation that feels right to me.
But my sense of myself as "female" is at the core of who I am. That part of my "femininity" never wavers.
It seems to me that you tend to conflate these two meanings of "femininity." And why not, since society does too? But I think it's important to remember that they are very different things.
I can relate to what you're saying, but I kind of feel like if "femininity" is popularly defined as looking a certain way (and I think you're right that the popular definition entails lots of extra work: shaving, etc.; I actually agree with your last post) we should work to change the definition rather than conceding the word to the forces of darkness. (And that's actually what I thought you were maybe suggesting in your original post.)
ReplyDeleteBasically, the word "femininity," with all of its popular connotations, doesn't fit me right, but I think that's a failure of the connotations, not a failure on my part to be female. I'm personally reluctant to renounce my gender association even though the connotations are uncomfortable because I feel like I'd be conceding that the definition of feminine is that you have to look a certain way (a certain labor-intensive way). It's like if all of the people who hated George W. Bush renounced their American citizenship it would be genuinely true that no Americans hated George W. Bush, but it wouldn't naturally be the state of affairs that all Americans were in favor of the Bush administration, it would be a state of affairs brought about by undesirable developments in America.
Holly: I completely understand how you feel, and I really closely identified with your descriptions of your childhood gender identity. I wanted to be a guy basically until I first had sex, at which point I decided being a girl was fine. I'm still not sure how my own gender identity fits into anything else, but I have a few thoughts about why I am the way I am, which may or may not relate to you.
ReplyDeleteFemininity as expressed by our culture is a very public trait. It's sometimes referred to as a performance in gender theory, as I'm sure freaking everyone has heard, but consider the implications. If femininity is (treated as) something you have to work to achieve, then of course chilling at home in shorts and a t-shirt isn't feminine. I believe a non-performing version of femininity exists because of the existence of trans folk, but I can't honestly separate my personal idea of "woman" as someone who performs from some inherent trait. Perhaps this is because I have the privileged of not being forced to justify my gender presentation.
The reverse of that is being masculine isn't performative, which your post suggests you believe. Farting, which everyone totally does (I see you digesting over there) is manly because to hide your farting is feminine. It feels like a mental trap because, a gender-neutral act (farting, scratching yourself because you itch, having messy hair) isn't masculine. It's gender-neutral.
I guess I feel like there's a difference between having been successfully socialized as a woman and being a women. I'm not sure what it is, exactly, and while I know I haven't been very well socialized as a woman, I don't know if I am one deep down. So while I share many of your doubts about my inherent womanhood, but I don't think that makes me a man.
Come to the genderqueer side! We have cookies!
ReplyDelete... what sort of cookies?
ReplyDeleteDon't try to classify our cookies into your little cookie-type boxes! SMASH THE COOKIE GENDER BINARY!
ReplyDeleteThese cookies have no name, but they are delicious. *offers*
ReplyDeleteReminds me of the (semi-)recent post on No Seriously, What About Teh Menz, concerning how in media, there are three genders: "men", "women", and "normal people". The last group, however, are also male.
ReplyDeletehttp://noseriouslywhatabouttehmenz.wordpress.com/2011/07/18/media-gender-roles-wtf/
I'm not sure how (or if) that applies to you Holly, but it somehow seems relevant.
"I can't help feeling like almost every woman out there is doing the femininity thing more than I am, or more competently, or more willingly, or something.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how much of this feeling is real." - Holly
And there you have the crux of the biscuit. I'm certain the feelings you reported were an honest reflection of your individual experience (personliness?), but when it comes to labelling those feelings we all resort to the pre-packaged, one-size-doesn't-quite-fit-all terms that we already know and love to argue about.
Who's to say that other women are really doing "the femininity thing"? It's simply a social convention that this is what "femininity" means. People do it, so that's what it means, so more people do it. Circular, self-fulfilling, and utterly arbitrary.
To a certain degree it changes with fashion as well, which is always a good indicator that something has no inherent meaning.
I really doubt whether it's possible to pin down identity and shared experience to something as wide as a "gender", yet narrower than "humanity" (and even then the line is fuzzy between us and other animals). The way I see it, the individual experience is for the individual. Everything else is constructed by society, and can be deconstructed - or just plain ignored - if you really want to.
In that case, I will most certainly have some non-specific cookies!
ReplyDeleteAlso, What Mr Monster said.
@Holly,
ReplyDeleteI have no criticism for your previous post because I think I understand what you were trying to say.
Not to put words in your mouth, but: for YOU, being what our society calls "feminine" is burdensome.
My only stipulation would be that there are others, whether they have boobs or not, who do not necessarily see being what our society calls "feminine" as burdensome.
But you knew that. :P
I actually thought all the posts were really enlightening and I enjoyed all the discussion. I really like that you also are able to admit that you are human, that you don't know all, and that you are not 100% perfect on language usage and definitions and labels. I think some people have this Demi God picture of you in their heads and expect you to be ON all the time. And that sucks (flattering I'm sure, but still. Sucks).
ReplyDeleteSo thanks for leaving the other one up. :)
"I think some people have this Demi God picture of you in their heads and expect you to be ON all the time." - Leah
ReplyDeleteUm, yeah. Mea culpa, I guess. And it does indeed suck to expect that of someone. Sorry.
Still, DEMIgod, right? So you only have to be perfect half the time - the rest of the time you can display mere-mortal levels of awesomeness. Even that beats me on a good day, though. [/fan]
'My only stipulation would be that there are others, whether they have boobs or not, who do not necessarily see being what our society calls "feminine" as burdensome.'
ReplyDeleteWould you accept the caveat that what our society calls "feminine" often is literally burdensome? Putting on makeup is extra work, whether or not a particular person happens to enjoy the work.
@Anon (2:31am) In the previous post, Emily H. wrote:
ReplyDeleteI don't think this is the problem, at least not all by itself. Cooking a fine meal is work, so is crafting, writing or carpentry. The fact that one puts a lot of effort and energy into a certain activity doesn't make it oppressive or problematic. Rather, the problem is the expectation that all women should be expected to perform this work thanklessly and invisibly.
Which I think is a very insightful point. So yes, putting on makeup is extra work. Like, say... knitting. Plus I have to buy the yarn, which gets expensive, and it takes time out of my day I could be using for something else. But I honestly enjoy knitting! So it's my hobby.
(In this example, then, let's say that oh, half the population is socially required to knit for an hour a day. So now I'm knitting with many other people who hate knitting, except I actually like knitting... Oooh. See, now my enjoyment of knitting gets complicated. And obviously the people who hate to knit are super frustrated...)
...I don't know, does this work for you all? Obviously gender issues are far more complicated than any analogy can deal with, no matter how good, so I'm definitely open to criticisms.
@ghostpaw,
ReplyDeleteThanks for pointing out that calling something a social construct can be used to dismiss it out of hand. I think people often declare things to be social constructs, end of discussion, as if just by recognizing them they go away. But it doesn't, because being a social construct doesn't mean something isn't real. For example, the English language is clearly a social construct, and we can even see how specific people have influenced it. But it's still real - I mean I speak it, and learning about it's history doesn't dispel it. I think we should respect people's gender identities even when they do make use of social constructs, as Holly does here with "getting all dolled up."
Also I'm really enjoying these posts. Thanks for sharing this stuff, Holly!
It's simply a social convention that this is what "femininity" means. People do it, so that's what it means, so more people do it. Circular, self-fulfilling, and utterly arbitrary.
ReplyDeleteNevertheless, it is a social convention with the purpose and effect of subjugating women.
I don't think the original post was that far off the mark. I have talked to many boys and men who have trouble performing masculinity, but so far, there has always been a fundamental difference between the nature of their problems and mine.
ReplyDeleteThey were talking about wanting to play with girly toys, I was talking about wanting to scratch myself. They were talking about going to restaurants and knowing they were supposed to order steaks, I was talking about having to check up on myself to make sure I ate in a sufficiently feminine manner, regardless of what I was eating. They were talking about wanting to put on make-up for fun, I was talking about re-learning how to walk when I was wearing female attire. They were talking about a couple of traits male superheroes were generally not found with, I was talking about a guide to drawing superheroes mentioning how to unnaturally arch the back of female characters as to avoid “compromising their femininity”. They were talking about feeling like outsiders because they didn't like football, I was talking about feeling like an outsider because I didn't take long enough to pee.
A lot of masculine and feminine roles are about conscious choices and preferences, like taking a philosophy class instead of a music lesson, and it sucks that people are supposed to choose those based on their physical sex, but some things are just plain more natural than others. Some people might feel fine not scratching themselves, but it's usually a learned behaviour. If people want to limit their scratching then this is their choice, and it certainly can be a good one (such as not scratching your crotch right before shaking someone's hand), but it shouldn't be part of anyone's gender identity.
The only case I can think of where a natural, reflective reaction is considered feminine is in the case of crying (and it's still preferable for women not to cry). Otherwise, the most obvious, comfortable, and direct reaction tend to be coded male. Most people don't nibble at their food when they're really hungry, most people don't abstain from scratching when something itches, and most people don't walk easier in high heels than in flats, unless they've learned it.
When an illustration of male character shows him standing straight (or hunching) with his feet planted on the ground, and a similar illustration of a female character shows her twisting her spine to reveal both cleavage and ass-crack, or arching her back to push out her breasts, these are not illustrations of how men and women tend to stand, they're an illustration of the norm (and not some arbitrarily decided norm, but the way the vast majority of people will tend to stand unless they've learned differently) as opposed to an (often physically impossible) ideal of a social construct.
Whoa yeah, no matter how dirty and smelly I wake up as, I still feel like A Woman.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what the hell that means any more than you do, but I can perform femme or not, and still be a woman either way.
Actually, I still feel feminine no matter what, because it feels like an intrinsic quality, rather than something I can put on. I can look MORE femme, but I can't lose it by not wearing makeup and dressing in t-shirt and jeans (which I do most times anyway).
Of course, when you think about the strangeness of gender...I don't feel any need to be seen as a woman. I'd be perfectly happy being Person Who Likes X, Y, and Z Things.
Sort of sounds like you see femininity as a scale. Naked Holly is 0% feminine (therefore masculine), then 100% feminine is makeup, corset and heels, or...whatever your definition would be.
I think the source of confusion here is that "man" and "woman" have a lot of connotations about behavior and personality. These connotations don't go away simply because when pressed most people would say that the words mean nothing but a person who has a male or female body and is comfortable with it. So it's reasonable for someone to feel like they're the opposite sex or no sex at all depending on what they're doing, even if on another level they're an unambiguously cis person.
ReplyDelete@AB -
ReplyDeleteI think men are discouraged from expressing any of their emotions very exuberantly, not just with crying. Things like hugging, being visibly excited about something, or talking about moral dilemmas or anything religious are coded feminine, in my experience. I also haven't ever been discouraged from crying, and I cry at sad movies, in the theater. Maybe I just live in a particularly "feelings are for chicks" place?
@Anon who responded to me:
ReplyDeleteIn a word: yes.
Anything that involves extra effort between getting up in the morning is burdensome, whether or not they enjoy it.
This includes putting on clothes.
Does society impose extra effort on anatomically female people? Yes.
Does society impose extra effort on anatomically male people? Yes.
Though some of this socially imposed stuff is quantifiable and some of it isn't, and though all of it is worthy of discussion, I think that what matters in this thread is that HOLLY seems to find the socially imposed behavior associated with the female body burdensome.
Pardon me if I spoke out of turn.
Post Script:
ReplyDeleteAgain, I'm not trying to put words in Holly's mouth.
Holly, if I'm wrong, do correct me.
(Yep, me again...)
ReplyDelete"The only case I can think of where a natural, reflective reaction is considered feminine is in the case of crying (and it's still preferable for women not to cry). Otherwise, the most obvious, comfortable, and direct reaction tend to be coded male." - AB
Crying, yes, but what about simple pain response? What about going gooey over cuteness? Vicarious excitement for another's joy? Interest in another's emotional life or relationships? Actually expressing emotions as opposed to stating their existence? In a male, all these would be considered unusually feminine traits. Then add in an interest in any social or creative activity that's labelled feminine. Men who like to dance, knit, sew, bake or even live in a clean house are all expressing a simple, reflexive reaction to their environment and personal needs, yet all these things are considered feminine, or worse, "un-manly".
"When an illustration of male character shows him standing straight (or hunching) with his feet planted on the ground, and a similar illustration of a female character shows her twisting her spine to reveal both cleavage and ass-crack, or arching her back to push out her breasts, these are not illustrations of how men and women tend to stand, they're an illustration of the norm (and not some arbitrarily decided norm, but the way the vast majority of people will tend to stand unless they've learned differently) as opposed to an (often physically impossible) ideal of a social construct." - AB
I disagree. The male poses are just as much an exaggeration of the "manly" stance as the female ones are of the "womanly" archetype. Admittedly, they contort the body less and so would appear to be more readily attainable, but the poise, groundedness and four-square solidity you find in male comic-book heroes is just not that common in the real world without martial arts, dance or movement training. Standing still is harder then it sounds.
*than
ReplyDeleteFWIW, the other post did help clarify something for me.
ReplyDeleteSee, I've often wondered about my own gender identity. Although I like stereotypically feminine things (cute clothes and shoes, makeup, jewelry, etc.), I usually find them too much trouble for anything but a special occasion. I don't carry myself in a particularly feminine way. I'm not tidy. I laugh too loud, I take long strides when I walk, I shovel food into my mouth when I'm hungry, and if I have an itch, I scratch it. I'm more comfortable around guys than other women, I put myself in a man's role in most of my daydreams, and I've often thought I was probably male in most past lives. And yeah, I've wondered if I might be genderqueer.
When I read your post, it struck me as odd. I'd never thought about feeling the way you describe - as though my default state was masculine, and I only became feminine through effort. For me, if I wake up with messy hair, smelling of old sweat and unbrushed teeth, with unshaven legs and pits and wearing only underpants... I'm a stinky, sweaty, hairy, messy, underpants-wearing woman.
So... I guess I'm female after all. Which seems like a silly thing to suddenly realize, after almost thirty years of being a girl, but there ya go. And it's not something I think I would have been able to articulate or even identify, without a frank description of what it feels like to wake up and not feel like that. So I for one really appreciate your frankness, because it prompted me to think in ways I usually don't.
I think that believing that all default human things are male is an explicitly patriarchic idea, which we can't just wish away from our heads and it's ok if we still have it (like if a feminist is theorethically fat-positive, but sadly still happen to hate her body, it would be meaningless to make her hate herself for hating herself for being fat, this is not how you get rid of fixations)... but it is still not a Good Idea Worthy of Spreading.
ReplyDeleteI do have "I'm male, argh" moments too, and I know I am cis because they cause me anxiety and pain; my aim is, in your terminology, to be able to wake up one morning, having some nice femininely strong leg hair and a nice feminine body odour (not resembling roses at all). And if everyone who felt human and not fancy-sparkling would fled girldom, then in the end Cosmo would be right, but I just refuse to let them define me or my gender.
if you're not a woman, have good luck sailing those seas, but what you have told in the last post still was kind of awful, and much resembling the "I'm too smart to be a girl!" argument.
correction: I have "I'm male" moments too, but in my case they are "I'm male, argh :(".
ReplyDelete"I can't help feeling like almost every woman out there is doing the femininity thing more than I am, or more competently, or more willingly, or something."
ReplyDeleteThis is one of my favorite pics Oleg's ever done of me, FWIW.
To all the commentators that are like "But feminity =/= being a woman!"
ReplyDeleteYou're right. It doesn't. But some people are masculine and not women.
(It's also possible, Holly, that your gender is different at different times. I sometimes feel more androgynous than female, and sometimes less.)
I'm catching up on your posts and this pair interested me a lot - so even though it’s a month old, I'm responding anyway ;)
ReplyDeleteI was mainly intrigued by the comment that [humans in general] aren't (can't be?) feminine when they wake up. Implying that masculinity is the default human characteristic. I believe that both are complete constructs. Sort of like burping (in some cultures it’s rude, in some, it’s a compliment!) it’s just how we as a group interpret aspects of humanity
I woke up feminine today (I always do). For me that's just tied into who I am. But that doesn't mean I dont scratch places that itch or don’t fart if I need to. Also, there was nothing "feminine" about using my new divacup this morning!
Sure – EXAGGERATING femininity might take some extra time, and I occasionally wish that wasn’t the case, but generally I think tidy masculinity takes some time as well. It, at the very least, takes effort.
I don't wear makeup because it makes me MORE feminine. I wear it because I think it makes me look better & my identification as a female permits me to wear it as a culturally appropriate choice! Ok, so maybe it’s more like my socialized identification as a female encourages me, but I don’t think of it that way. I believe gender equality means we should start giving men the option to wear make-up, skirts, etc. (as well as to play with dolls or be stay-at-home dads or work in female-dominated professions), NOT that we take the option away from women.
Meaningful Word Choice: I don’t put my face ON. It’s already there. I simply put stuff on top of it…kind of like clothing… hiding the parts I don’t want others to see & conveying certain things with what I choose.(*not a perfect metaphor)
Also, have you ever heard of a book called Self Made Man? It's about a woman who presents as a man for a year and focuses on a few different contexts (work, dating, social). I think it might be right up your alley: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Made-Man-Womans-Journey-Manhood/dp/0670034665¬
Have you ever heard of a book called Self Made Man? It's about a woman who presents as a man for a year and focuses on a few different contexts (work, dating, social). I think it might be right up your alley: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Made-Man-Womans-Journey-Manhood/dp/0670034665¬
ReplyDelete