There's a lot of talk out there about how to meet the person of your dreams. Or how to pick up someone to screw. Or a whole lot of things in between--how to initiate the sexual/romantic relationship you desire, and how to "upgrade" that relationship to greater intimacy.
Not a lot about maintenance. There's discourse about how to fix a failing relationship or spice up a boring one, but when's the last time you read a book or an article or had a discussion about how to simply have an ongoing relationship? Whether you're one-night-stand partners or lifetime spouses, the primary task of a relationship--and it's a learned skill and a difficult one--is simply being in that relationship. Doin' some relating.
Meeting Rowdy was not, in itself, super rewarding. It was nice and all, but filled with apprehension and eagerness about what was to come--I didn't go "I MET A DUDE!", fist-pump, and accept my trophy. Meeting was nothing but the beginning. And the moment Rowdy and I first said "I love you" was wonderful, but it had nothing, absolutely nothing on the following months of going around actually being in love.
Yep, those months have been wonderful, but they've also been full of challenges and questions. How much time do we spend together, and what are we going to do with that time? Now that we've agreed we're going to have sex, what kind of sex do we have and how often? What does being in love mean to us and how do we express it? I've got this boyfriend now--what the hell do I do with him?
If we can't answer these questions, the fact that we merely started being in lust/love is... worthless.
"How to find sex/love" is only Step One. Steps Two through--through until you break up or someone dies--are "now that you've got sex/love, what the hell do you do with it?"
Accept it. Enjoy it (while it lasts, because nothing's forever, and all that). Allow it to grow and change. Nurture it. Repair it as needed, and end it if you must. Embrace it for what it is, and revel in it.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I got no idea what the hell to do with it, either. And, talk show 'Doctors' and Books From God to the contrary, neither does anyone else, I strongly suspect.
Jack - Accept it. Enjoy it (while it lasts, because nothing's forever, and all that). Allow it to grow and change. Nurture it. Repair it as needed, and end it if you must. Embrace it for what it is, and revel in it.
ReplyDeleteAll this is true, but I'm talking about "relationship skills" on a much more concrete level, too. Like "am I supposed to call him? how often? what do I say? how does one talk to a boyfriend that is different from or similar to talking to a friend?" This isn't (just) neurosis--it's questions I need to resolve to be in a relationship, and they're ones that don't seem to get talked about nearly as much as "how to call someone you'd like to be in a relationship with."
Like "am I supposed to call him? how often? what do I say? how does one talk to a boyfriend that is different from or similar to talking to a friend?"
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't think there's any magical formula/'right answer' for these kind of questions. You (using the generic 'you' here) call your partner(s) if you want, and as often as you want; you talk to them in whatever way feels right. And they'll do the same to/with you. And you'll either both/all enjoy it and feel good because of it, or you won't (not everyone is romantically compatible, of course).
I don't think you should change who you are, how you act, etc. (beyond the same very basic relationship skills you'd want to use for friends and anyone else -- being honest, being kind, managing your temper, etc., which is more about becoming a responsible adult than a decent partner -- I don't think there's an entirely separate set of relationship skills for romantic partners), 'just for the relationship.'
I know there's no right answer (just as there's no right answer for "how to ask someone out"), but there are some wrong answers and there are a lot of potential answers. I don't have to get the "right" answer to be in a relationship, but I do have to get an answer. It doesn't go without thinking, at least for me.
ReplyDeleteWhile I agree it should be a talked about more. I think in some ways it's different for each person and each couple. Really the only people that can have that conversation is the two people in the relationship.
ReplyDeleteI personally just focus on being myself and being honest with the other person. If I feel like calling I call etc. I think the rest will work itself out with time.
I'm with Holly. Just because social skills and relationship skills tend to be learned organically doesn't mean they're not skills, that need to be learned. There's a lot of them, ranging from the very basic sense of the appropriate that most of us pick up well before puberty to things that are more obvious in hindsight like "not every single assumption and standard you picked up being raised within your family is a universal".
ReplyDeleteA major reason the reflexive reaction to questions about them even being asked is hostile/dismissive is because of how damn often the people asking them are also living with a massive entitlement complex that leads them to treat having a girlfriend/boyfriend as more or less equivalent to having an X-Box, except massively more prone to Red Rings of Death. Viewing other people as objects is a pretty good way to prevent organically obtaining social skills as you go along...
Anon - "Just be yourself" is good advice for someone who is self-confident, is neither anxious nor avoidant in relationships, and who has good natural social skills.
ReplyDeletePeople who don't need to learn specifically how to fake it til we make it.
My partner and I had a litmus moment about a year after we'd started dating. We were both unhappy about a couple of things in our relationship, and realized that we had somewhat different ideals for the immediate future -- although a lot of things were good, there were a couple of bedrock Issues. As we went through about five days of discussing, arguing, and crying, it was clear to us that this was a moment where we could go our separate ways or stick together and work over the humps. We both had to reaffirm our commitment, our willingness to fight for the relationship, several times over the course of those few days. We're together today because we both chose to be, at a moment when it would have been just as easy to walk away.
ReplyDeleteI've never had a relationship longer than two years, so I can't speak from experience, but I'm guessing that any long-term relationship has a few of these crisis moments, and that working through them is one of the essential relationship skills.
Another one for us has been learning how to fight, and learning how to deal with each others' moments of emotional upheaval. Shaun expresses himself very differently than I do, so I had to learn his rhythms and the deeper levels of "what he means when he says X."
On a more mundane note, the "what do we do together" has been a surprisingly difficult one in any of my relationships. I like to read and write and quietly do crafty things, and none of those are really couple-friendly activities. The guys I date tend to be similar. Most of my relationships settle into a pattern of having a lot of "hangout dates" where we're both doing the reading and writing and projects that we'd be doing anyway, but doing them in the same space and sharing the occasional thought with each other. As long as we're also going on a few proper dates where we're more interactive -- usually out of the house, walking or going to a bar or something -- I'm happy with this dynamic. So that's the "right answer" that's worked for me.
There do need to be guides to maintaining relationships! And I'm gonna blog one, dammit. Some day when I've had more sleep.
ReplyDeleteHolly: I totally agree with you that, for some people, relationship skills need to be learned like social skills. I'm going to say this not at all as a counterpoint to what you said, because I think you're totally right, but just to add to the discussion:
ReplyDeleteI have some serious issues with social skills, to the point where I'm going to start therapy for the first time this weekend, and that is one of the main reasons. My boyfriend is diagnosed with Asperger's. And somehow, without even having to worry too much about relationship skills and the like, our relationship... just works. Of course, we have difficulties and disagreements just like any other couple, but we've never had a huge fight or made any serious missteps. Maybe it's because we really, really like talking to each other, and wouldn't ever consider it 'too much' unless we're busy and actually have to be doing something else at the moment. Maybe it's because we're currently long-distance, thus don't get to see each other in person often enough and don't actually have much of a chance to screw it up too badly. Whatever it is, I'm... kind of stunned by how badly I can fuck up the rest of my social life, but still have such an amaing relationship.
I'm, uhhh, not entirely sure where I was going with this. Maybe it'll give someone with issues similar to mine hope about their current/future relationship? That'd be nice.
*amazing. Obviously, typing skills need to be practiced along with those relationship skills.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely a question that should get more attention than it does.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I coped pretty well until moving in with my current partner and then all of those issues were magnified. What do you do now that a lot of the time you spend together isn't so much "time I set aside to spend with partner" as "time I spend at home, where partner also is." Is it silly to watch tv instead of talking? How often do you have sex, now that you can do so whenever? Who cooks (cleans, pays), and how often? Do you go to parties/events without each other, or try to have all of the same friends? What happens when one of you is unhappy, in general?
... I guess you already said some of that. In any case, this post really clicked for me - thanks for bringing it up!
I completely agree. I know what didn't work for me was blending my life into my then-boyfriend's which meant putting him ahead of me, 50's housewife with a job style. SO I like what Ginny said about finding ways to be together yet still do what each other like, either quietly or at the bar.
ReplyDeleteI wish I HAD talked about these things w/my guy before we 'got serious' because we weren't on the same page & that broke us up, really. I think it's important to think about how you both express love & feel loved.
I totally get why you're thinking about this & I think it's vital for a sustainable relationship. I just don't have any answers because I figured all this out once everything was going up in flames . . . so I definitely recommend nicely resolving conflicts.
much luck oxox
Jess
When it comes down to maintenance of a relationship, I have found that communication is key. My wife and I have had some pretty bumpy moments in our 7 years together. In the beginning, we did not know how to communicate with each other and it made things tough. But spending so much time together, at home, shopping, etc, we eventually learned to just open up and be honest with each other. I know that it is hard to do that sometimes but that is what it took for us. Now, if we have a problem, and we have a few every month it seems, we talk about it in a rambly sort of way. Like a stream of consciousness kind of thing, sorta, kinda. It's a bit wibbly-wobbly but we end up communicating our ideas and feelings effectively. And if one doesn't get it, we keep going until we do. It's kind of rambly like when I try to type up comments. I just hope that came out clear...:)
ReplyDeleteYou've hit the nail on the head, Holly. I'm an anxious, awkward and introverted person. I also have no experience whatsoever in maintaining a romantic relationship. Telling me to "be myself" is somewhat useless as well, because which self are you talking about? I have one for interacting with different types of people: friends, family, authority, etc.
ReplyDeleteJust because social skills and relationship skills tend to be learned organically doesn't mean they're not skills, that need to be learned.
ReplyDeleteThis, so much. As somebody who tends to be behind the curve when it comes to learning how to deal with people in new situations, it's immensely frustrating to be told 'just act natural'. Learning how to act with that person, in that situation, is often what's needed.
For me, it's been learning how to argue effectively. R. tends to avoid confrontations even when they need to happen, and I tend to start confrontations even when they don't, so that's something we've both had to work around. We have very different styles of communication. Etc.
I think the idea that a good relationship should just work without any effort is a dangerous one.
Cooking good food for each other works really well. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteI'm kind of glad there's no guides for this kind of thing, because as soon as guides start being written, they'll start becoming Cosmo-ified. I already have society telling me the "right" way to start a relationship (most of which is heteronormative, gender essentialist, consumerist bullshit). I'd actually rather stumble my way along by myself than have a similarly crappy guide to maintaining a relationship.
ReplyDeleteActually, now that I think about it, Cosmo DOES give tips about how to maintain a relationship. Wasn't there something in the last (or second-to-last Cosmo) about how if your long-term boyfriend ignores you for WoW or his job, you should start artificially pulling away from him so that he'll remember to chase you and his caveman chasing instincts will be all appealed to? Ugh.
Another one for us has been learning how to fight
ReplyDeleteFor me too. I had to learn to just be willing to start a fight in the first place, if I was angry about something. When I was younger I thought that any expression of anger or dissatisfaction could lead to instant dumping. Then it's hard to actually end your fight when you're done fighting, instead of just staying in fight-mode about nothing, or some other totally random thing. It's like some kind of emotionally charged, high stakes cotillion dance, including the part where I have no idea how to do it, and have been trying to make it up as I go along when the occasion calls for it.
I think fighting is one of the more advanced skills we have to learn, just because it's much more inevitable than it is with an intimate partner than it is with, say, a friend, and because arguing with an equal, nonfamily partner is a hell of a lot different from arguing with a parent or sibling.
ReplyDeleteGiven that intimacy means you learn vulnerabilities, aka how to cut the other person very deeply, and learning how to have a normal, healthy fight with an intimate partner can be a bit like learning to juggle chainsaws.
I am wouldn’t call myself self-confident or having good social skills. I have just realized at least for me that being myself works better. I don’t have different selves for each type of person. I just focus on being the best me I can.
ReplyDeleteAs for relationships I am open with what I expect from a partner and what I am capable of giving back. I will admit it can be off putting at first for some. I just find it limits a lot of heartbreaks and miss understandings.
Finally key for me is I don’t worry about how long or where the relationship will go. I try to make it so the person feels when all is said and done their life is better for me having been in it. I can’t say I have always succeeded on this but I try. Secondly I don’t try to hold on to people if they are ready to go. If they leave I focus on joy they brought to my life and how I have improved as a person.
That all being said I still agree with the idea of a discussion and even guides with people’s thoughts are great ideas. This is just what works for me everyone is different. I also like that you are being proactive. I didn’t do my research until after my marriage fell apart. I doubt it would have saved it but might have made the break up better.
James
Clearly there is something wrong with me, because my first thought is not "oh look, a blog post"; instead, it was "oh look, the green line viaduct."
ReplyDeleteI've heard from the xkcd forums the following:
1. More communication.
2. More passion.
3. More clitoris (if applicable)
I don't need relationship-sustaining skills, I need "How To Get Over Someone Who Turned Out To Be Insane" skills. It is almost physically painful for me to realize that, omg, I'm dating someone with severe anger issues and this is likely to end badly for me! Not because "how did I end up in this situation AGAIN?" but because "but he's so sweet and caring and I don't want to hurt his feelings by ending this now after X months of emotional investment."
ReplyDelete...You know, maybe I DO have relationship issues.
Also, upon reading the title, I couldn't help thinking "Step One: Cut a hole in the box."
Love what you said labrat about:
ReplyDelete"Given that intimacy means you learn vulnerabilities, aka how to cut the other person very deeply, and learning how to have a normal, healthy fight with an intimate partner can be a bit like learning to juggle chainsaws."
I hate confrontation! Learning how to fight with my last SO was really hard, and I get what other people said about learning how to end the argument. We kept going over and over the same problem without ever really resolving it, and it contributed to the eventual break-up.
One of the things I like about being with that SO was that we could happily occupy the same room, chilling out/working/etc without being 'couply'. Rae's point about working out how to do "time I spend at home, where partner also is" really resonated.
Great post and a very realistic topic...relationships don't just stay in good working condition by some sort of magic, they need maintenance. And what sort and when and how is definitely something I've been learning throughout my life.
ReplyDeleteA couple of people have effectively put into words some things I've been thinking about:
@Rae:Personally, I coped pretty well until moving in with my current partner and then all of those issues were magnified. What do you do now that a lot of the time you spend together isn't so much "time I set aside to spend with partner" as "time I spend at home, where partner also is." Is it silly to watch tv instead of talking? How often do you have sex, now that you can do so whenever? Who cooks (cleans, pays), and how often? Do you go to parties/events without each other, or try to have all of the same friends? What happens when one of you is unhappy, in general?
I'm in the midst of this transition right now and it IS a little disconcerting to have to re-figure out new interaction habits and renegotiate our joint needs for everything.
@LabRat: I think fighting is one of the more advanced skills we have to learn, just because it's much more inevitable than it is with an intimate partner than it is with, say, a friend, and because arguing with an equal, nonfamily partner is a hell of a lot different from arguing with a parent or sibling.
Given that intimacy means you learn vulnerabilities, aka how to cut the other person very deeply, and learning how to have a normal, healthy fight with an intimate partner can be a bit like learning to juggle chainsaws.
@Ginny: Another one for us has been learning how to fight, and learning how to deal with each others' moments of emotional upheaval. Shaun expresses himself very differently than I do, so I had to learn his rhythms and the deeper levels of "what he means when he says X."
This. My partner and come from very different family cultures and learning how to disagree and even fight in a way that is not hurtful but cathartic has been difficult because we didn't understand each other's backgrounds. Hashing through that has been a revelation.
Yeah, even though there's no magic formula for all long-term relationships, I do find that there are tips/suggestions I can make based on things that have worked for me (going on 20 years, including the last 5-6 years being kinky/poly/etc.)
ReplyDeleteLittle stuff that can be modified as needed. Like, my sweetie and I almost always talk on the phone during the workday / when we're away from each other. And usually it's a tiny, 2-minute "no news here, love you" kind of call. But having that little established window makes it easier for us to bring stuff up if there IS stuff.
Also, the poly thing about how important and sometimes stressful SCHEDULING can be. Seriously. Even when not being poly. Yes, we have "we are in the same space" nights, but it's also nice, in a totally-not-Cosmo way, to schedule a Date Night or other "all about us 2, let's make it special" time.
flightless
People should be warned more often about how tough it can be. I think Hollywood makes people think it's all roses and romance and awesome sex, and/or super melodrama. When really, just like EVERYTHING ELSE portrayed in the movies, it's a lot of mundane, nitty-gritty life. It's a lot of listening to shit you don't care about, a lot of crying, yelling and apologizing, a lot of compromising and work-arounding. Basically, a lot of NOTHING things that never get portrayed in the media.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I'll say "I must be doing something right" to one of my partners, because we are making the relationships work. That's half a joke, because I do know a chunk of it, and some of it is more generalizable than other bits: talk to each other, including about ordinary stuff (odd news articles as well as my relationship with my mother or how things are going at our jobs), is probably a good idea for anyone. So is walking places, if you both/all like walking. Knowing whether/how much time you need alone, or with people other than your partner, and respecting that, is important. So is making sure you get the desired time together, but fewer people will say "make sure he gets those weekends to himself if he needs them" than "make sure you have time together that isn't about doing chores."
ReplyDeleteCooking together works very well with my girlfriend. It works less well for the partner I live with, because our kitchen doesn't really have room for two people to work together. And my third partner doesn't cook much, or enjoy it, so that's not a thing we do together.
Flightless wrote, "Little stuff that can be modified as needed. Like, my sweetie and I almost always talk on the phone during the workday / when we're away from each other. And usually it's a tiny, 2-minute "no news here, love you" kind of call. But having that little established window makes it easier for us to bring stuff up if there IS stuff."
ReplyDeleteI second this! (and I didn't even fully realize that's what I was doing until now). I prefer to be able to text or IM my partners often. A lot of the IM convos I have with people I care about would be extremely boring in a book (lots of variations on "snuggle", "love you"), but it's a little bridge between us were we can talk about the tough stuff and send each other jokes even when we're not in the same place. Some people would think the amount me and Deep End text each other is excessive (another friend's partner dislikes using email or texts, and prefers to just talk to their partner at the end of the day), while others leave me in the shade. The point is, it's what works for us.
I guess, if you want a concrete tip, it could be something like "Find a method of communication you both like, and exercise it". Checking in and making sure you're both on the same page goes a long way, even if you're sending carrier pigeons. ;)
Hi Holly,
ReplyDeleteMy two (or more cents) on this:
Communicating clearly, openly and compassionately is key. Couples therapy can help a lot with this if you don't seem to be figuring it out on your own. I don't think there should be any shame or blame about not being able to learn how to do this without help, because in my experience, most of us don't learn how to do this from our families of origin.
Be on the same page about your level of commitment and your relationship-enders (i.e. under what circumstances would you feel the need to end the relationship). One thing that I think helps for people who have a fear of abandonment, or of screwing up and having no idea that they have screwed up, is to talk about how you will communicate if something does go seriously wrong with your relationship. My wife and I have committed to each other "as long as we both shall live," but it is only human to fear the scenario where you come home to a "Dear John" letter. The longer you have spent with someone, the more scary that prospect becomes. What I have promised my wife is that she will know if something is that wrong - that I would not consider leaving without giving her a reason or a chance to make it better.
Those are the big scary serious things. The more mundane day-to-day things I find helpful are:
- Figure out what you like to do together and what you like to do separately, and do that. Don't force each other to do things the other person doesn't like just so you can be together. I sometimes envy gender-conforming hetero couples the whole construct of "girls' or boys' night out," but I think you can create that sort of thing with your groups of friends without making it gender-role-specific.
- Figure out your "warning signs" for when you need to just spend some time apart. Generally, if my wife and I start getting irritable at each other for no apparent reason, it usually means we both need to just go do things that we want to do, separately.
- Also, figure out your "warning signs" for when something the other person is doing is bothering you, even if it seems minor. I've recently gotten into hiking, a sport where foot blisters can be the bane of one's existence. You prevent them by paying attention to where your boots are rubbing on your feet, and applying tape or moleskin before an actual blister forms. I think this is a good metaphor for preventing major blowout fights in a relationship. Talk about something when it's bothering you a little; don't wait until it's "inflamed" (e.g. you see red whenever you think about it).
- Schedule quality time together (whether that means time to have sex, play, cuddle, converse deeply, or whatever) if it doesn't happen organically. I find that scheduling more quality time that we *need* is useful, because things sometimes come up on our regularly scheduled days, like working late, or an event that someone doesn't want to miss.
Okay, I've written a long freakin' essay, and I'm guessing if I thought about it some more, I'd come up with ten more things. I hope at least some of it is useful to you!