The other night, I was topless and locked in a cage at a party.
Funny thing is, it wasn't very sexy. And I don't mean that in a bad way. It was relaxing, being curled up in an enclosed space. It was playful, hanging on the bars and acting like an animal. It was sociable, being in an area where people could come by and chat, have a seat on my cage and say hey. And, not to deny the kinkiness of it all, it was also a submissive experience having my freedom of movement cut off and being okay with that.
But hot? No. My undies were dry, my body relaxed, my mind not on sex. It was nothing to masturbate over, nothing to get you breathing heavy. It was just good clean fun.
Kink, for me, divides into two very distinct types. There's kink as a rollercoaster, a wild escape from the world and from the bounds of sensation itself, a feeling that has me screaming and groaning and losing my grip on reality and flying through endorphins and pleasure and agony. And then there's kink as a Stupid Human Trick.
It's obviously a bit context-dependent and idiosyncratic what qualifies as what, but for me, flogging is a rollercoaster; fireplay is a Stupid Human Trick. Punching is a rollercoaster; elaborate ropework is a Stupid Human Trick. Biting is a rollercoaster; fisting is, though a very intense sensation, not an intensely kinky one for me, and thus a Stupid Human Trick. Being dominated during rough sex is a rollercoaster; being dominated to "go make me a sandwich" is a Stupid Human Trick.
I probably shouldn't say "stupid" human trick, because they're not stupid at all. They're lots of fun. But they're more about "interesting ways to play with bodies and minds" than about being swept away by an all-consuming wave of sexual power. Maybe the clearest difference I could draw is that I think you have to be innately kinky to like rollercoaster kink, but anyone with an open mind can understand the appeal of Stupid Human Tricks kink.
This is of more than academic interest to me. It helps me get a handle on a problem that's been bugging me--namely, why I don't like receiving pain in most BDSM situations, and yet I fantasize and crave about receiving pain. It's not just because I'm hopelessly fickle and inconsistent. It's because there's two very distinct headspaces I associate with kink, and I only enjoy pain in one of them.
It takes a very particular sort of chemistry to get me ready to ride the rollercoaster that is pain. But I'm almost always up for the kind of kink that's more like "hey everybody, check out what I can do!"
I'm pretty darn vanilla, and I know exactly what you mean. For me, sex has always had a "serious", hot and heavy side, and a playful harmless side. I can get so into the intensity of sex that I have to stop and take a breather so I don't get freaked out by the level of ego death going on. But I can also laugh and joke and be playful in bed. The difference is all about chemistry and headspace.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand what you mean. "Look at me! I'm being electrocuted!"
ReplyDeleteI'm all too familiar with what you're saying here.
ReplyDeleteYou know what the say. Different tricks work for different -um, dicks? - and all that. For me the "go make me a sandwitch" is much more than funny haha experiment. It's serious business. And although I don't get straight sexual arousal from it, or I do, but it's harder to explain than I can here afford to, it gives me (sexual) gratification. And I just found out that it's something I really need in my sexual or otherwise normal life to feel content. But it all depends on the other end of the game, the one commanding. It's an emotional game, for sure, one which will dissolve, if done with only a halfhearted attempt at a party, I would assume.
ReplyDeletebeing swept away by an all-consuming wave of sexual power.
Yeah, exactly. I just think this is more about preferences than you let on. I'm pretty much betting my love life on the thought that you have to be innately kinky to desire, need and express yourself in the "go make me a sandwitch" kind of way.
It helps me get a handle on a problem that's been bugging me--namely, why I don't like receiving pain in most BDSM situations, and yet I fantasize and crave about receiving pain. It's not just because I'm hopelessly fickle and inconsistent. It's because there's two very distinct headspaces I associate with kink, and I only enjoy pain in one of them.
This I can totally relate to. I wouldn't let it happen with anyone or anytime or with anything. Maybe it's finding my own boundaries and just recognising that not every day is a nice day for a spank or discipline and protocol, as may be more fitting in my experience world, even in the same "head" space.
This post sort of rubbed me the wrong way because there are plenty of people for whom things you've labeled "stupid human tricks" DO, in fact, cause them to be "swept away by an all-consuming wave of sexual power."
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't think you're saying these can't be anyone's kinks, but that's how it came off. At least to me.
R. - It's totally individual which things fall in which category, and I tried to make that clear?
ReplyDeleteI think there are two categories, but one act can be different things, sometimes even for the same person under different circumstances.
Holly: Well, you said it's totally individual which things fall into which category, and then you sort of generalized out to "I think you have to be innately kinky to like rollercoaster kink, but anyone with an open mind can understand the appeal of Stupid Human Tricks kink." And that sounds like you're drawing a line on acts rather than feelings. Like, because people who aren't innately kinky could grasp rope bondage, that makes rope bondage not rollercoaster for people.
ReplyDeleteRereading it I think I get what you're saying, and I agree with your "two sets of kinky activities" thing in general. I'm just not entirely sure where I draw the lines on some things, because stuff which is "Stupid human trick" in public becomes "rollercoaster" in private, for example.
Hmm, I don't see any butt plugs in there.
ReplyDeleteI can relate. There are some kink/BDSM-related things that really turn me on, and there are other things that are more like, "Cool! Let's try it!"
ReplyDeleteTo me, there's more to it than just sex. I like to experiment (Hey, maybe I'll like it?); I like the experience (part of my philosophy of life is that we're only here for a short time, so we should experience as much as we can--and in doing so, I also learn a lot about myself); I like having fun (sometimes my experiences are fun or enjoyable for other reasons, even if they aren't sexually stimulating for me); sometimes it's about things like aesthetics, skill, or talent (such as elaborate ropework).