Oh God, no, not like that! Pet the cat's head! This is metaphorical!
That aside... if you have a friendly cat handy, go give the kitty some scritches. Cats, even (or especially) the neutered ones, are shameless pleasure-seekers. They know what feels good and they have no inhibitions about going for it. You'll never hear a cat say "I'd love to eat some houseplants, thoroughly lick my own genitals, and spend the rest of the day napping on the sofa, but I'm so worried what people would think!" Cats don't have those hang-ups.
So when you pet the cat, if you're not quite in the right spot, kitty will help you along. If you're scratching the right ear but kitty's left ear needs some love, kitty will turn its head.
What you can learn is to not compensate for this. Instinctively, you'll move your hand and follow kitty's right ear around so you're still scratching the same spot. This isn't what kitty wants. Kitty wants you to hold your hand still and let kitty work around you. Otherwise you're at cross purposes, canceling each other out.
Learn to accept messages like this. If kitty pushes harder against you, don't back off; understand this means kitty wants more pressure and has just showed you exactly how much more pressure would be good. If kitty pulls away, don't follow; understand this means kitty wants a break.
In this regard, sex partners can be a lot like cats. (Also sometimes in terms of sounds they make and the ability of a tiny one to somehow crowd you off a huge bed.) They'll show you what they need with their bodies, and you'll miss the cue if you try to move in sync with them. If someone tilts their hips differently, presses into you or pulls back a little--keep moving just the way you were moving and make a little mental note, because how they shifted things is how they like it.
Myself, I like real firm pressure on my vulva. Real firm, grinding right up against the bone, pushing against me like a wrestling hold, hard muscular sex with absolutely no surface delicacy to it. I try to say this with my words, but I'll also say it with my hips. When your hand is down my pants and I move my hips up hard against you, don't back up and make me chase you. Understand that it's a message and listen to it.
Kitties know what they want. Bodies know what they want. And sometimes all you have to do is a very deliberate nothing to learn what that is.
[OBVIOUS PUN INTENTIONALLY OMITTED FROM THIS POST]
*head explodes from holding in filthy comment*
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
But like most metaphors or analogies, there's an obvious difference here that I think is important to point out. When you're petting a cat, you're not doing it for your own pleasure in the same way as what you're after during sex. It's a two-way street with sex. Both partners are looking for pleasure, and if one's partner moves away to make one chase them, it might just be because that's what gives one's partner pleasure. This is an issue my husband and I have dealt with a lot; I go for a non-verbal message of "I want you to do this," and he either doesn't pick up on it or he simply doesn't want to do that. I have to use my words, and he gets to decide if he wants to do that for me or not.
I definitely agree with encouraging people to be honest about exactly what they want from a sexual relationship, but non-verbal cues like this don't always work very well, or at least they don't for me without a conversation where I say explicitly "when I do this, it means I want that."
Macha - I agree. This is a useful way to make minor adjustments, I think, but it definitely doesn't substitute for verbal communication.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if pussy doesn't like to be petted anymore, the claws may come out. What you can learn from this is that you need to stay alert as to whether consent remains enthusiastic, and to adjust your approach accordingly.
ReplyDeleteMy comment was basically going to be the same as Eli's, so instead I'll just second it.
ReplyDeleteI knew this already. I knew it.
ReplyDeleteHow the hell did I not know that I knew it until I read your explanation?
Great insights as always.
I like this post a lot! For me at least, verbal communication works great before and after sex, but not always in the middle of it. I am just not that articulate while I'm having sex, and sometimes the message is clearer if you just move yourself or your partner.
ReplyDeleteMacha - I don't know, sometimes I just walk up to my cats and put my face on them, and it's definitely for my pleasure. They tolerate this, I guess because they are very GGG cats.
If I pet my cat and stop before she has had enough, she gets her claws out and starts scratching. How does that fit into your Analogy? :D
ReplyDeleteYou got a defective cat, man.
ReplyDeleteA properly assembled cat will give you Death Glares for insufficient petting, but should ultimately respect your choice.
>If kitty pushes harder against you, don't back off
ReplyDeleteHmm, sometimes, with both humans and kitties, teasing is good. It's a dance, right?
Teasing can be good if you know you're doing it. (I think it's overrated, actually, but to each their own on this one.) But you don't want to accidentally tease someone, or do something that isn't teasing but just plain uncomfortable.
ReplyDeleteThis is s great post, Holly, thanks.
ReplyDeleteIt drives me crazy when I'm with someone and they do something which pinches, rubs uncomfortably, is a bit hard, or whatever, and I pull back, grimace, shift away etc, but they FOLLOW ME to re-lock us into the same (uncomfortable, ow ow now that bit is caught ow now I have to say OI GET OFF and that's not sexy) position.
I realized exactly this a few years ago. Using pretty much the exact same analogy.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad to find that I'm not the only person who thought about it in these terms.
This is spot on... I learned a lot about touching people from petting cats.
ReplyDeleteThe other good lesson to draw is that while there are some basic go-tos, every cat is different. My current puss likes to have her nose rubbed, which is a little unusual.
Oh Holly, thou art a genius! That's such a great analogy. Winner. :D
ReplyDeleteThis is OT, but with all the fuss about comprehensive vs. abstinence-only sex ed, I'm interested in seeing what people from a variety of backgrounds think should and should not be taught in schools. Any suggestions on polling sites to use, and how to increase exposure so that people who AREN'T "liberal deviants" get a chance to see it?
ReplyDeleteto Laura;
ReplyDeleteif you design such a poll, please include an option for "schools should teach both sides of the debate, with equal time devoted to the theory of abstinence-only and to the theory of comprehensive sex education"
@previous anon: I know that you weren't exactly being serious, but I DO think a good sex education program should include some talking about abstinence as a valid choice. Both to help students learn how to avoid being pressured into sex that they don't want, and to tell students who were like me that their choices are okay too. I decided that I didn't want to have sex until after high school - but then again, I was kind of an outcast, so I don't know if anyone would have wanted to have sex with me at the time anyway... Anyway, my health classes included informative sex ed, but also made me feel like I was *expected* to be having sex and reinforced my feeling that there was something weird and wrong about me. I think a little mention of alternative choices could go a long way to avoiding that for other students.
ReplyDeleteI think teaching the controversy would be awesome here, actually. Why not let the kids in on it? Now that's respecting their ability to make choices--tell them what abstinence advocates say and what comprehensive-education advocates say and let the class discuss it.
ReplyDelete(Then teach them how to put on a condom, because geez, let's be real here.)
Laura - The only way to get a really random (or at least random-er) sample is to call people out of the phonebook or clipboard-quiz people on the street. Any Internet poll is subject to getting flooded by people from one political community or another.
Comprehensive sex ed would include accurate stats on the (actually fairly large) fraction of kids who don't have sex until college, so you're covered there.
ReplyDeleteAbstinence is cool and an option. Abstinence-only is bloody stupid.
ReplyDeleteFrankly, I think any sensible comprehensive-education type should be mentioning that it's an /option./
@Holly: I thought the previous anon was just making a joke referencing the "teach the controversy" evolution thing. Maybe I just imagined it.
ReplyDeleteOh, they were, but I still think it's not a bad idea. Why have all the arguments over the kids' heads? By high school, they can understand damn well what the disagreement is about.
ReplyDeleteI agree! My least favorite thing about my health/sex education was how little our individual views were respected. Even when controversial issues - not scientific facts - were brought up, we were *told* how to think. Even when I agreed with what we were being told, it bothered me a lot. Keep in mind, this happened in a fairly liberal area with (relatively, at least) comprehensive sex education.
ReplyDeleteOh, wow, I just remembered that we got that 'there's no condom for a girl's heart' binary gender role bullshit, too. At least the biological stuff was accurate.
I'm impressed by the lack of pussy jokes so far.
ReplyDeleteBy jove that is mindblowing. So that's why my cat always spins around when I pet him o_o
ReplyDeleteI think my cats are broken too. If I maintain the "scritching" motion, they will reposition themselves under my hand, and then scratch at me for my transgressions.
ReplyDeleteAnd if I ever have a lover that poops in the hall...
I agree! I have found out that adjusting and searching out partner's (or cat's, for that matter) triggers actually feels nearly better than intercourse itself. So I prefer using hands for better tactile feedback...
ReplyDeleteAlso, an unrelated question: Holly, can you explain how to "love". Or maybe, how to separate love from other emotions, like attachment, curiosity (stalking), etc?
RE: Satsuoni
ReplyDeleteUh. I really don't think curiosity and stalking are the same thing... I'm really hoping you're not serious.
Also, can I recommend bell hooks' "On Love" for an entire book trying to define exactly what love is? It's good stuff. She's very hard-nosed about it. (Myself, I derive my idea of love as a matter of deep trust + affection - desire to change the person.)
--Rogan
To: LBT - I have learned to suppress the urge to follow and stare as I grew up. The urge is still there to some extent.
ReplyDeleteI'll give this book a look. Thank you!
P.S. (trust may be a problem)
...I've known many a cat to cause themselves to fall over trying to follow/lean into the ear-scritches. ... Take that with this analogy however you will.
ReplyDeleteMan, whenever I pet my friends' cats or dogs (and I always wait for them to come to me) they end up lying by me, blissed out. Clearly, if I ever have sex, I will be awesome at it.
ReplyDelete/only mostly joking
Very nice blog.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes from Italy.
I think it's kind of sad that we can visit our friends and pet their cat or dog (and get enthusiastic consent), but if we would pet our friends like that we'd seem weird and sexual, and this appears to be a cultural thing.
ReplyDeleteSo true :D I approve of the cat method.
ReplyDeleteThanks for articulating this! Especially when you're not used to communicating your desires, it can be a lot easier to hint at them physically. It's good to be perceptive!
ReplyDeleteThank you for articulating "Pay fucking attention" so well.
ReplyDelete