Which is something I didn't want to be important to me--hey, I'm not "a kinkster," I'm just a person who is kinky!--but it turns out to be huge. The feeling of having nothing to hide, of being able to tell my roommate honestly about my weekend, of not needing to censor the contents of my room before opening the door, of not needing to constrain the way I interact with my boyfriend in the house... turns out that's not a silly whim. It's something that takes a gigantic weight off my shoulders. I feel safe in my home, and I'm just now realizing I didn't before.
...I also didn't feel safe in the old home because apparently my roommate was letting random people shoot up in the house. I found that out as I was leaving. Lovely. But not my problem anymore.
Anyway. I only just now got Internet in the new house. So I've got some posting to do this week!]
This started as a joke.
"Welcome to Holly's vagina! Please stay seated for this important briefing.
"Very little foreplay is required, but in the event that insufficient moisture is available, artificial lubrication is available in your seat pocket or beneath the seat ahead of you. Make ample use of this lubrication, as it greatly enhances the experience and reflects in no way on your performance or her enthusiasm, and can be used as a floatation device.
"Roughly one inch above your seat you'll note the clitoris, illuminated with red and white indicator lights. Tampering with the clitoris is a federal offense and may result in a fine or jail time. Unauthorized clitoral stimulation will result in delay of our trip, and continuing to manhandle the clitoris and claiming 'but girls like this' may result in cancellation of your ticket.
"Directly inside the vagina, on the front side, you will find our exclusive The Happy Place™ facility. Feel free to enjoy The Happy Place™ throughout your trip, but please bear in mind that this facility is designated primarily for rubbing and massaging, and extensive or forceful thrusting in this area may not produce the desired effect. If at any time during your trip you wish to thrust forcefully, please activate your call light for assistance and we will direct you to the most comfortable positions to do so.
"In the event of an emergency orgasm, please assist those around you with their orgasms before securing your own, bearing in mind that the plastic bag may not inflate.
"Enjoy your trip! You may use approved electronic devices at this time."
Truth is, though, having an orientation spiel for my vagina is damn useful. Simply sitting down and writing that, airplane jokes and all, clarified things. To have good sex, it helps to know what you like--and to know what you like, it helps a whole lot to actually put it down in words.
Giving a little speech on The Care And Feeding Of My Vagina is one of those things that seems awkward, until you realize how awkward the alternative is. Getting someone up to speed on my physical quirks makes the difference between constantly interrupting sex with "whoa no not that" (or worse, politely enduring "whoa no not that" things) and having things just flow. It's not just about catering to my own needs, either; letting my partner know what's up with my body gives them an idea of where to start and relieves some of their performance anxiety, and it gives them an opening to tell me what's up with their body.
Obviously I wouldn't really do it flight-attendant style? (Or I might. Mixing "sexy" and "hilarious" is underrated. This weekend I watched a couple have a pillowfight while having sex. It was adorabawesomesexy.) But I really would make a little speech out of it. A breathy speech right in my partner's ear, given between deep kisses, with my hand running through their hair, maybe. Or a cheery, matter-of-fact one over dinner.
...Or one posted on my blog, under the clever guise of talking about how to clarify sexual needs.
Sex for me is a three-step process.
1. Find out what you want.
2. Make sure your partner knows what you want, and you know what they want.
3. Dirty sweaty monkey love.
Step 3 gets all the glamor. But it's rare chemistry indeed that makes Step 3 just work out without any planning. The awkward, talky, using-the-word-clitoris-without-giggling process of the first two steps is where the real magic happens.
Hahaha, that was great! And it makes me feel so much better about my own vulvar spiel. No entry to the vagina, anal ASAP, clit stimulation is good but touch about .25 cm bellyward of the actual clit, and despite being denied vaginal access, you can take the other entrance to the Happy Place by rubbing hard on my stomach right above my pubic bone.
ReplyDeleteI always feel so weird when I sit down with people to tell them this--like, A) we were just nakedly making out, is this really necessary now, and B) sexually healthy people wouldn't need to have a spiel because they would be normal and like normal things and by saying all this I'm revealing how fucked up I am.
I gave the spiel the other night and was feeling residual badness for it, but this post made me feel a lot more normal.
Yay for vulvular spiels! I've been giving partners "the crash course" for years now and it's improved my sex life immensely. I love it when a partner gives me instructions for their "bits", too.
ReplyDeleteIt's odd to me that people have all these weird superstitions about "how to tell if a guy is good in bed" ("...if he's a good dancer!" "...if he's tall and has big feet 'cause that means he'll have a big dick!" "...if he has a small dick, 'cause that means he'll overcompensate!"). I mean, first off there's no such thing as being universally "good in bed" anyway, since women don't all like the same thing. Secondly, all these weird little hints are totally beside the point.
MY definition of "good in bed" is: "Can articulately tell me what he likes and give constructive feedback during sexytimes" along with "Follows my instructions and feedback accurately."
I don't care if a guy is a great dancer with the biggest and/or smallest dick in the world - if he does something I specifically said not to and defends it with "...But girls like this!" he SUCKS. Communication > experience.
I would care very much if a guy simultaneously had the biggest and smallest dick in the world. If his penis distorts reality, I want to see that thing.
Delete"Show me slowly what I only know the limits of/And dance me to the end of love."
DeleteAll I can say is http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_UsjAWaH4kqU/TNLzJhaWXuI/AAAAAAAAB-U/IxHAsOG2dTg/s1600/guiag.jpg
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the new place Holly! I know how odd it is to realise you didn't feel safe in your last place and to realise just how awesome it is now that you do. :) Also, yay t'internets!
ReplyDeleteAnd as for the main point of the post, vagina/vulva spiels ftw. Doing it as a flight attendant = PURE GOLD! Leading into sexytimes roleplay if that's your thing.
I don't see why giggling is verboten when using the word clitoris. Giggling is fun! I like giggling, and am perfectly capable of giggling and taking things seriously at the same time.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, I tend to giggle quite a bit during sex, and it doesn't seem to detract from the experience.
(This post in defense of giggling may be tongue-in-cheek. Consult your local humortician to be sure.)
Giggling is not verboten!
DeleteIt's just that I find the idea of saying "clitoris" without giggling to be itself funny.
"Clitoris" is just a funny sounding word in my opinion. Kind of like the word "waffles". It's just fun to say.
DeleteMade me think of this, personally: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-Mq9HAE62Y
ReplyDeleteI love that they put men in it. (Especially the captain. His little shoulder epaulettes just made the video for me.) It makes such a big difference in tone between "this is a hottt sexxxy dirty video" and "this is a fun silly happy sexy video."
DeleteOMG, do you notice that they are cracking the fuck up during that video? I think they must have had to do multiple takes of certain scenes, because most of the time they look like they're just barely containing their laughter.
DeleteWait, what part of that animation was sexual?
DeleteWe are seeing the same New Zealand Air video, right?
They aren't wearing clothes; it's all body paint.
DeleteThat explains why all the women are only shown above the boob level.
DeleteI love this! I totally had this conversation with myself last night & got all excited because I could finally put it into words that felt conversational & comfortable. Reading your posts on this topic help sift away the shame of having to have this conversation, with realizing how damn practical it is to HAVE this conversation & avoid the alternative awkwardness. Thanks for this!
ReplyDelete- Jess
Totally not what I expected when I saw the title.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you, everyone who does these spiels instead of hoping your partner will just guess right!
as a german it seems so funny and weird to see americans using "verboten" as a foreign word in their writing. how does it come?
ReplyDeleteI think it's because in American culture German is viewed as the language of discipline. So "verboten" is used as a very forceful version of "forbidden."
DeleteI'm sure there is also some aspect of its use that came from military personnel stationed in Germany after WWII. If nothing else, always know how to say "no" and "not allowed" in a foreign language. lol
DeleteI'm sure there is also some aspect of its use that came from military personnel stationed in Germany after WWII. If nothing else, always know how to say "no" and "not allowed" in a foreign language. lol
DeleteSo on the one hand, there is an angle from which discovering this stuff is fun, in a sometimes-giggly sort of way. There's any number of times I've gone "ooh, I've found a new trick!" and such and that's a lot of fun.
ReplyDeleteThat said, women who come with "instruction manuals" are AWESOME and I am so very in favor of this. I agree that sometimes that discussion feels a little awkward, but in my life it's been way, way worth it, every time.
I find that open communication even improves the finding of new tricks - mostly, I guess, because talking things out means way more chance of good surprises and not icky ones.
Delete"I know you said G-spot stimulation is usually painful and annoying to you, but could it be that your past partners have just pushed too hard? Could I try to stimulate it but really, really gently?" "Yeah, I'm open to that. I'll let you know if it's too much"
...Is way more fun (and possibly illuminating) to me than someone just blindly trying stuff. And I don't feel that the resulting discoveries are any less giggly/fun/awesome.
Love the spiel. Love that you're happy in your new place.
ReplyDeleteIt's kind of awesome when things you don't expect to be A Big Deal turn out to be, in a good way.
ReplyDeleteI once took a class in solar panel installation that was women-only. At the time, I didn't care one way or the other about it being women-only, it just happened to fit my schedule best. Only when I actually got to learn in that environment, with NO judgment at all around saying "I don't understand, please explain again" did I realize just how much stress had been lifted!
So yay for the epiphany on "oh, so THIS is what all the 'kink-friendly living space' people have been rabbiting on about."
I have to admit I laughed when I read it, including reading it out a bit in the flight tone. But also very educational and informative. Thank you for writing it.
ReplyDeleteWow, awesome post Holly. I missed your updates; so glad you're back!
ReplyDelete(Gotta say, though, uber-jealous about your new kink-friendly space. The self-censoring, what with my only trans-, queer-, and kink-friendly space being my girlfriend's room at her place, gets exhausting).
"Dirty sweaty monkey love" made me snort with laughter. Fabulous.
ReplyDeleteWhole post is great. I am not as articulate about my desires as this but I *love* giggly, silly, awkward sex. Perhaps it's something to do with how my endorphins work during sex, but I find I am prone to helpless laughter if the right situation arises. I also like wrestle-y sex which might have something to do with it!
As for safe spaces, the concept has come in for a lot of criticism recently but I think they are hugely necessary and if you've got one, I'm ecstatic for you!
Out of curiosity - what do you see as the distinction between "a kinkster" and "a person who is kinky?"
ReplyDeleteI don't think there's such a thing as "a kinkster"--we're all just people who are kinky; kink is never our whole lives. (I don't object to the term "kinkster," just explaining the particular hair I'm splitting here.) I think kink is one of the things that defines me but I don't want it to be the only thing.
DeleteInteresting point. Personally, when I define myself as "a _____er," I'm not trying to say that that's my WHOLE life or that it's the ONLY thing that defines me, just that it's a part of my identity and important to me.
Delete(...Also - how do you use italics in comments here?)
I *think* I posted a reply here last night (it might have just not gone through,) but it's not showing up. Was it deleted for being offensive in some way? If it was, I'm very sorry, it wasn't intended in that way. If that's the case, could you let me know what I said that was offensive so I can avoid doing that again?
DeleteIf it was just my computer crapping out on me, well, can't hurt to be polite.
Anon - Your comment was just caught in the spam-filter. Fixed now!
Delete(Also, it's angle brackets. [i]stuff[/i], but angle instead of square brackets.)
I truly wish more women would communicate what they do and don't like in bed. And, reading this, it occurred to me that I could / should compile a list of likes and dislikes myself. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI truly wish more men would respond to women communicating by saying "okay" and doing it (or "no can do, sorry, not my thing, but what about this?") instead of by looking at you like you're some kind of freak and doing whatever the hell they want anyway.
DeleteI also wish more men would communicate what they do and don't like in bed. I'd say more men than women have a problem with not being able to say anything more about their sexuality than "uh... I like sex."
Delete(However it's not a competition and really I wish more people would communicate in bed.)
Or, if you wish women would say more, ask them! Not every woman will be able to roll out a tidy little speech for you, but you may find out something you didn't know before.
Good filter mechanism I guess, not worth sleeping with twice if they have that reaction.
DeleteDo men seriously do that? I wonder if that is a failing of a certain demographic or if there is some reason that I never run into it.
Falcon: I think guys are trained that they have to seem suave in bed - that they have to "lead" the whole encounter and know exactly what they're doing at all times.
DeleteWhich probably explains why certain guys ignore stated requests and just do their own thing anyway, and definitely explains why so few guys have ever asked what I want!
Holly: I wish guys would communicate their needs more, too. I've had more than one partner ask for fellatio, lie there totally silently during it, and then tell me I'm not very good at it (NB: this was during my ubercougar phase and the guys were around 19)! Each time, I tore the guy a new one for his ridiculous behaviour and refused to go down on him again unless he gave me constructive feedback during the act, and everything worked out. Still...WTF!
I would like to second the notion that openly talking about your preferences doesn't take away from the "discovering stuff together" part of sex, or the giggly fun adventurous part of sex.
ReplyDeleteThis was hilarious! And such good advice. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on the new place!
Years ago I worked at a theatre that had monthly improvvy-type nights for the company (improv is kind of the wrong word. Basically anyone who worked there could put together *something* to do on stage be it sketch comedy or music or whatever and present it on these evenings. I vividly remember one very out young male actor who did a monologue that was very similar to what you've put here except it was 'welcome to the anus'. The best part was at the end where he began doing the same speech over again, but in French. (We're in Canada. Airline safety speeches have to be bilingual by law)
ReplyDeleteThis applies to every single one of your posts that I've read so far (I'm going backwards, chronologically).
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you, thank you for the sanity check. It is really nice to know that there is someone else out there who gets it- and not only that, but writes it clearly, concisely, and a way that's fun to read, so that I have an easier time of explaining it when it's my turn.
Thank you.
I have one question: what is the plastic bag?
ReplyDelete