Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?
Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.I'm putting these together because I think I answered Day 4 pretty well in the last entry.
Although I'll add one more: student films. I got a film degree at a point in my life when I knew about kink, had already had kinky experiences, but at that particular point in my life I was mostly celibate. (Not out of kink-guilt. Partly because I'd just had a terrible breakup from a terrible relationship, partly because I didn't turn 18 and "legal" until halfway through my junior year, and partly because I had approximately zero social skills.)
I had no intention to make my final project kinky in any way. It wasn't about my kinks. It was just a horror film about a guy who joins a cult to try and raid their ill-gotten riches. But the cult "initiates" him by torturing him. A lot. Creatively. For most of the film. There's an entirely excessive number of "wait, we have to initiate you some more" scenes in the film. I figured I was just ramping up the horror, right?
...Oops. In retrospect, oops.
(Content warnings for the next bit: Statutory rape, emotional abuse, legal system fuckery.)
Day 5 happened when I was 16 years old. My boyfriend's parents were out of town for the weekend and we had the whole weekend and the whole house to ourselves, which is whoooa when you're 16. (Well, I don't know about you. It was for me.) We walked around the house naked the entire weekend, which was amazingly sexual at the time, even if nowadays it usually just means I'm feeling lazy as hell.
We had sex a bunch of times, but the last time on Sunday night, I asked him to spank me. I was all shy and stuff about it. And he did. He started out with little tippity-taps. "No, I want you to spank me," I said. So he wound up and did it for real, smacking me hard on the ass, over and over. I went from "um please just a little um you know um" to "FUCK YEAH FUCKING SPANK ME THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT." It was fantastic. I didn't want it to end. But when it did end, I tackled him and fucked the hell out of him.
That was the last time we had sex.* The next morning the police were there. My mom had reported me as a missing person, filed a restraining order against my boyfriend, canceled my scholarships and withdrawn me from my school. (The first two because I hadn't come home when commanded so she told the cops I'd disappeared for a week, the second two because I had a B average. GOD I LOVE BEING AN ADULT NOW.) My life utterly fell apart and wouldn't be back together for more than a year, the abuse at home peaked from "bad" to "how did I survive that?", and even though the restraining order was not upheld in court, my boyfriend decided I was not worth this level of trouble.
In retrospect, he wasn't worth my trouble either--he was way too old to be dating a 16-year-old and didn't exactly make up for it by treating me well. But that spanking. I don't regret that. That changed things. Forever.
*We did have sex one more time a couple years later, but it was thoroughly mediocre and rekindled absolutely nothing. I'd kind of caught on that he wasn't such a spectacular person by that point.
Thank God *someone* else out there has a mom like mine. Lying to authorities in order to get your kids in trouble as a form of revenge--yup, I know that one. It's only just now occurring to me that that's a pretty colossal reversal of Normal TV Parent Land, where kids screw up and wind up in jail, then the firm but understanding parent comes to convince the cops to let the kid out. (TV parents are what I use as benchmarks for normal parenting, since otherwise I would have no idea.)
ReplyDeleteYay, the Pervocracy is back! Double yay!
ReplyDeleteThanks, I missed you! :-)
Trigger Warning
ReplyDelete"GOD I LOVE BEING AN ADULT NOW"
Wish I could too. If I might ask, Cliff, how did you leave your parents? Did you just say "I'm moving out?" Was there a big scene? I'm 30 yrs old and I've had to move back in with my possessive horrid mother while I search for a job, and when I finally get one and save up enough money to leave, I'm pretty sure she won't want to let me. Plus I'm officially diagnosed with autism and on meds and in therapy, so she could make the argument I'm not capable. Don't know how far that would go legally...have you any idea?
Anonymous: You should check with a legal expert in your area. That being said, in my region, the only reason the state would appoint a guardian for a legal adult is if compelling evidence were brought forward indicating that said adult was mentally incompetent to care for themselves. That's a pretty steep bar to clear - basically, she'd have to prove to a court that you were categorically unable to look after your own health and safety (and not just that you made bad decisions). If you've been able to care for yourself in the past and nothing has changed significantly in that regard, the odds that your mother will be able to have herself appointed your guardian and force you to stay with her are very low.
DeleteOnce you have enough money to leave, you can leave. Just... up and go. That's what I did. (I can't promise your mom will do this, but my mom was much more supportive than I expected once I was getting ready to leave. I think once she realized I was really doing it, she realized she had to be nice if she wanted me to keep in contact with her. So even though she'd given me a million speeches about how I could never live without her--once I had a job offer in hand and apartment lease signed, she got all cheerful and helped me pack.)
DeleteAnd like the previous anon said, your mom can't just go to a judge and say "in my unbiased opinion, anon can't live on their own" and have the judge go "okay, guess I'll make it so they have to stay at home forever." It would take a lot more than that to prove you legally incompetent. Don't let your mom keep you tied down just by the threat that she'll do it--make it clear that unless she has an actual court order in hand, you're going to keep moving along with your plans to move out no matter what she threatens.
Hey Cliff, maybe put this under a trigger warning? I found unfortunately several triggers in this and the previous post--- not huge ones but anything that says "delve into your childhood memories" can turn out to be emotionally taxing. I should know that by now.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, what Anon June 13, 2014 at 9:01 PM said, exactly, My mother used threats of surrendering me as an incorrigible child, then in college of throwing me out and cutting me off financially but lying to the authorities that she was still supporting me to get me to do what she wanted. When she died unexpectedly just after I turned 21, it was one of the luckiest things that ever happened to me, though at the time and a long time after I was a mess since I only ever wanted her love and approval, and now I would never ever get it. (Of course, now I understand that I likely would never have gotten it anyway...) And yeah, B grades were not acceptable, an A was only just barely acceptable. An A+ was the only thing that was really approved.
Much sympathy for everyone who finds Cliff's mom familiar.
And of course, welcome back Cliff!
Oky, warnings going up.
DeleteMy mom had reported me as a missing person, filed a restraining order against my boyfriend...because I hadn't come home when commanded so she told the cops I'd disappeared for a week
ReplyDeleteMy parents had a similar tendency to forcibly exert their ownership over me. Twice, they told an authority figure (my school principal and the cops, respectively) that I was "missing" or "hadn't come home" - like I'd probably been abducted or something - when in fact I'd gone somewhere against their wishes and told them precisely where I'd be and why.
It is just indescribably pathetic to me that any parent would get the fucking police to back them up when they're having a petulant little hissyfit. I mean, srsly? SRSLY?
But yeah. I feel your pain.