You know what I'm shockingly bad at? Fucking on top. I just don't know how to do it right. I think everyone has a few surprising gaps in their knowledge--someone gets to be a mostly competent adult and just never learned how to use a record player, or how to crack ice cubes out of the tray--and this is one of mine. I was out sick on the day they covered it in school, or something.
(Pointless digression: I actually was out sick for my first sex-ed class. They just gave me the book to read at home. My mom came by and asked very awkwardly if I had any, um, questions. I said "no" and we were both greatly relieved by this lie.)
Part of the problem is that it doesn't actually feel good to me. It's relatively difficult for me to come when I'm on top; the whole "you can control the speed and depth precisely" thing so often used as a selling point is no fun at all for me. Who wants control? But a lot of guys seem to particularly enjoy being ridden, so I feel it's a skill I ought to have in my repertoire. Plus, asking guys to always be on top is lazy! I don't want to seem lazy!
To be fair, there's two kinds of fucking on top, and I'm only bad at one of them. I'm fine at the kind where the guy is thrusting upward, and I only have to respond to his movements. But the kind where he just lies there--I don't know what the fuck to do with myself. Bounce straight up and down? Lean forward and kinda slide back and forth? Do my hands brace on him or the bed or myself or nowhere? Do I rotate at the hips or knees or both? Is there a way to just move my pelvis or does my whole self have to move? Why does this look so easy in porn? Is it a problem that I have absolutely no innate sense of rhythm? Does he really expect me to go that fast with my entire body? Is it supposed to be this goddamn tiring?
Maybe the problem is that I've never really been taught. In every situation where I'd been expected to perform girl-on-top, the guy just lay back and waited for me to do my thing, and I never admitted I didn't know the thing, I just climbed on and half-heartededly wiggled around until he flipped me over in exasperation. I need someone who's willing to actually tutor me here, allow me a few mistakes and give me pointers until I succeed.
...then lay me down and fuck me in a way I actually enjoy.
(Weird fact: I can give a lap dance like nobody's business. It's only when it actually becomes penetrative that my mind and body lapse into total stupidity.)
I suspect it's easier with slim men -- or for women with long legs. I've yet to be with a woman who can straddle me well (partly inexperience, partly a preference for short women).
ReplyDeleteBut: If you're wet, just rubbing against me can feel pretty damn good.
Bruno - Hm. As I'm a rather stubby woman with a tendency to end up with beefier men, maybe the deck is just stacked against me. I've seen equally stubby women get up on those same men, though, so it can be done... somehow.
ReplyDeleteIm tall and have rather long legs, but, i have a thing for bigger men, so I tend to be on top a lot. It's something I've kinda learned from experience and a lot of trying, but when I started I had the same problems. So I guess my only advice is keep practinf? The guys should help out a little too though, it's a two party activity. If they're just laying there, arms behind their head then I don't think it's worth it...
ReplyDeleteI have the exact same problem. Fine when the guy is thrusting, "bzuh?" when he just looks up expectantly. And I've got fairly long legs, so that's not the problem. I've found I do slightly better when we're in a chair because then I can brace my feet properly, but that has angle and "this doesn't feel that awesome" issues. *sigh*
ReplyDeletehaha, just saw this on "crazy things parents say": Grandma: "What’s wrong with the shows on TV these days? People are always naked…and with the girl ON TOP! I don’t understand today’s youth."
ReplyDeletere the list of possible techniques, yes, any of those. Try them all and do what feels good.
zeeke42 - Girl-on-top is TV-ese for wild and crazy sexy sex. Missionary means you're boring and/or in love. (Doggy means this is a teen sex comedy and someone is about to inadvertently drink horse semen.)
ReplyDeleteGirl on top is also TV friendly as far as what's visible. Avoids showing 'hairy bobbing man-ass' (listen to the Bill Hicks bit about crappy hotel PPV porn if you haven't heard it)
ReplyDeleteI'm laughing because this reminds me of this time I and a guy friend tried coaching a girl friend of ours on something very much like this. We ended up all falling down laughing hysterically because he was saying something like "pretend you're taking a roast out of the oven" and I was trying to push and pull her hips separately from the rest of her body.
ReplyDeleteMoving your hips separately, Elvis-like, doesn't come naturally to a lot of people and takes some practice, but it's key to the 2nd half of my technique. The first half is for me, and it's sliding forward chest-to-chest, adding clit on pelvis to penetration and nipples toward mouth for a guaranteed orgasm (used to be the only way I could come from penetration). 2nd half of this is to make him come by staying in mostly the same position, but holding my top half still and rocking my butt toward the ceiling like a very fast version of the cat-cow yoga pose.
I've never been able to do the classic porno thing of sitting up in a squatting position and using thighs to bounce straight up and down for any amount of time, so sitting up is usually only around for as long as we want to mess around enjoying the contact and visuals.
But, yeah, you can hear all the descriptions, but it's like trying to learn to dance from reading - you need someone there actually leading for it to click. If it matters though, cause geez, you have a lot going on already! :P
I'm like dorkiewitch...I'm tall and I like bigger guys, and honestly I like something about almost all sex positions I've tried, though my favorite is definitely athletic missionary...something about feeling that whole weight driving the thrusting and the view is pretty awesome :)
ReplyDeleteAs for woman-on-top, I like mixing it up...the guy moving his hips up to meet me, or me rocking with a mix of sort of back and forth/up and down while straddling him (one knee on either side of him on the bed), and I also really like squatting over him with my feet in a wide stance/knees open, doing a grand plie on his dick :D :D It's prob my boyfriend's favorite move ever. It takes some serious leg strength, but hey, might as well put all that dance and sports training to good use!
Buh? I am, I admit, not the most experienced of fellas (monogamous twenty-odd years with only the one partner) but I never even IMAGINED that a guy could "just lie there" during sex. WTF?
ReplyDeleteHolly, I don't think your skills are the problem. Unless the dude was under some sort of spinal-block anæsthesia, there's really no excuse for him not moving.
Awww, doggie-style gets no respect.
ReplyDelete@Chi: that sounds more like reverse missionary than cowgirl - but it is a great how-to either way ;)
Ha, I never thought of it that way, but yeah, I love me some missionary, so that's probably right - a way to reverse who's doing most of the thrusting work.
ReplyDeleteWhat I wonder is, for all the press Reverse Cowgirl gets, how many people really love it? It always seemed overrated - does nothing extra for me physically, feels kinda emotionally separated, and I've never been with anyone who had much interest more than "ok, that was fun for a minute, now let's get down to business." Is it a Cosmo move?
Maybe reverse cowgirl just looks good in porn?
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I never tried it, but it seems to me like the female-on-top version of doggy, angle-of-penetration-wise, which makes me curious to try it.
I guess reverse cowgirl is one position I do not like, now that you mention it. chi, I think you're right that it was a Cosmo/porn move of the moment but it seems (to me) that the angle is wrong for everyone.
ReplyDeleteI've never had a problem being on top...until now. I always did it by undulating my hips forward and backward, kind of as though the two of us were a slide rule with my ladybits as the outside framework and his manbits as the slidey bit in the middle.
ReplyDeleteBut for whatever reason, this simply does not work with my current bf. I'd like to be able to get on top of him more often, but...nothing works. I always end up feeling vaguely ridiculous. I think what he actually needs is for me to rise and fall instead of sliding back and forth, but I don't have the thigh muscles for that and using the bounce of the mattress for momentum just feels silly (and still tires my legs out pretty fast).
Strangely, reverse cowgirl tends to work better (in that I've made him orgasm once or twice that way but have never managed it during regular cowgirl). But it does nothing special for me and and can't even have the pleasure of seeing his face, so I don't do it often.
Perversecowgirl - That's kind of funny, with your name and all. I have to admit I was just waiting for you to comment.
ReplyDeleteAs a guy who likes the ass, reverse cowgirl affords a very nice view!
ReplyDeleteReverse cowgirl is just a bad angle for me, it feel pokey and not pleasurable at all and I'm stuck looking at the dude's balls instead of his face. And I have no idea how to move.
ReplyDeleteRegular cowgirl, that is nice, but I agree that it sucks when the guy is just lying there. It feels awkward when he's not so much a participant, just someone who's there and expects you to pleasure them.
With one of my exes I used to more or less lie right on top of him and thrust shallowly but really quickly. It seemed kind of unorthodox but it really really worked for him and didn't tax my muscles too much. It probably mostly worked because his penis pointed pretty much straight upwards when erect - if I tried doing standard cowgirl it would either be uncomfortable for him or he wouldn't be able to stay in.
ReplyDeleteI always feel awkward on top - I don't really know what I'm doing, I'm quite clumsy and my muscles are all pretty weak, and I start getting self-conscious about how I look unless I'm either super turned on or I can see he's really enjoying himself. If you work out how to make being on top work, please let us all know! I could do with some tips.
I've found that having the guy in a somewhat sitting position (either on a couch, or propped with pillows) allows for a much better ease of movement. And with beds it prevents him from moving away accidentally too much after each thrust, throwing off the rhythm. As a short girl with some fairly thick thighs and short legs, the biggest issue I've come across is just irrtating a man's leg hair after awhile from all the bouncing. I go for a combination of grinding/sliding (kind like riding a horse while it's loping - the smooth hip thrusts) and just a general up/down. A fast way to make a lot of men orgasm is with long strokes, so I challenge myself to get as far up without flinging myself off, and then going back down.
ReplyDeleteI have no qualms with placing my hands on a man's chest and using him as a leverage. They won't notice anyway. My tits end up pretty much directly in their face, but they enjoy the view. I have WAY more problems and awkwardness if the guy is laying down. In orer for us (females) to keep up a fast pace and steady rhythm, we need something to use our hands on. The back of a couch or a man's chest or shoulders works great from me.
Up until the last year and half or so (of my 7 years being active), sex on top was boring and didn't feel good. After the implementation of having the guy sit up at least partway, it helped A LOT for my pleasure. I even ENJOY being on top! I can't say anything for orgasms though because I've yet to from penetration.
As for the squatting/plie thing, I think it's HIGHLY unreasonable for the "average" woman to sustain for more than a minute or so. It simply EXHAUSTS me and doesn't feel good at all, regardless if it feels amazing to the guy.
Wow, just stumbled on your blog... I love being on top, it makes me feel powerful. I get to tease him like crazy. Hands on the wall in front of you is sexy. Or reach down and grab him behind his head, and pull him towards you(I'm a powerhouse so this works for me)It's also hot to grab his hands and pin them to the bed above him...My favorite is to lean back, put one hand on the heel of my foot for balance and use the other hand to stroke myself. In reverse cowgirl, grip his ankles with your hands and lean forward. If your lucky, you'll get a finger up your ass! Makes the orgasm intense! Shit, I'm all hot now. Great conversation starter!
ReplyDeletePorn helped me out a little with this position, although I'm still nowhere near really good at it. I successfully figured out where everything goes, and can approximate some good movements, but mostly I'm in the same boat of "this seems like more trouble than it's worth". Mostly I just alternate between sitting up straight and rocking back and forth (which is pretty good for me, depending on the day, but doesn't do much for him) and lying on top of him and having him do the thrusting.
ReplyDeleteMy questions are there: Where the heck should my legs be? What should they be doing? Why is all this hullabaloo more tiring than pleasurable?
I do it anyway, because being on top of him is just sexy, even if nobody's anywhere close to getting off.
I have the same issue girlfriend! I don't get what the heck you're supposed to do on top. I lost my virginity at 12 (shameful) and i'm 19 now and i've only tried being on top about twice in my life cos i CONSTANTLY avoid it. I honestly don't find it a pleasing position. It can sometimes get too intense i feel like i'm about to be sick. Or i just am too tired to bounce my body up and down using my leg muscles... i dont understand what the hype is about cowgirl/reverse cowgirl. I just prefer the other common positions, doggy, spooning, legs around his neck, missionary, anything with some clit action at the same time! Anything BUT cowgirl please!
ReplyDeleteBumped into this in search for some online advice. My boy really likes GOT but I'm not at all good or comfortable with it. I really like to have him leading but I end up feeling lazy especially knowing he likes it so much. So I get up there and try and just like you i feel pretty incompetent and silly. He doesn't really wait for me to get a hold of it and starts pumping up. I guess the lack of confidence in my part doesn't help at all.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this I feel less bad that I'm not good at it, the tips on the comments are pretty good. I guess I'll just be honest with him and see if he wants to help me work at it. I guess that's the spirit huh?
I always thought it was just me who couldn't do cowgirl and I felt incompetent and lazy for making him do all the work in other positions. So glad I found this post. I'm going to try some of the suggestions on my OH tomorrow.
ReplyDelete