My social circle these days is pretty much all perverts. I got to Boston and I met people three ways: through the blog (perverts), through munches and other BDSM activities (perverts), and through the friends I already had here (disgusting, dangerous perverts). If I didn't have to work I think I would have forgotten what normal even looks like.
In fact, in some senses I don't know what normal is like. Like hair-pulling. Do normal people pull hair during sex? I have no idea. I think of hair-pulling as a mildly kinky thing, but then I hear that apparently it's not weird at all to some people? And there's that bumper sticker, "If you're going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair." If it's a bumper sticker that means it must be normal, right?
Or, conversely, scritching. Casually scratching someone on the scalp or behind the ear doesn't seem like a particularly perverted thing to do, but I've only ever seen perverts do it. Does it have to do with the "pet" connotations? Is it just a subcultural thing? Or is it my hallucination and normal people scritch too?
Of course the "right" answer is that there is no normal and people who like BDSM and people who don't all touch in a variety of ways according to their own habits and desires. But still, normal people sometimes seem very concerned with what is normal, so I figure they have standards. And I'm drifting farther and farther from being able to remember what those standards are.
All I know is that if I have to sit through another conversation at work on the topic of "my husband and I are never in bed together and that's awesome because gosh it's such a pain having to deal with those icky things he wants", I'm going to explode and tell them everything.
(I already did let slip that I own a vibrator--they were judging just a little too harshly on a patient who had one in their pocket--and everyone was like "OOOH SO INTRIGUING HOLLY IS A WILD GIRL WHOAAAA." There goes any hope of talking about what I did this very evening, let alone on weekends.)
People who are a lot closer to the "normal" end of the spectrum than the "disgusting, dangerous pervert" end do scritch each other.
ReplyDeleteMy non-pervert (as far as I know) friends in high school used to scritch (perverted) me, for what it's worth. But I sort of egged them into it, I think.
ReplyDelete--Andy
Is 'icky things he wants' non-vanilla sex or is it sex at all? I'm over on the asexual end of the spectrum, and if I came out with something like, "Actually, I'd be perfectly happy to never bother with sex again," at work, I would be stuck spending the rest of the season putting up with well-meaning busybodies demanding that I justify my marriage.
ReplyDeleteI think scritching is a geeky/nerdy/LARPy thing around here, which overlaps with perverts.
ReplyDeleteHair-pulling like you mean it, I bet that's just kinky, and most people are thinking gentle teasing tugs that you'd hardly notice. Vanilla people might go handfuls-of-hair, but I'm thinking they'd be unlikely to go yank or to control the person by where their head is.
I think the bumper sticker is advocating two "kinky" things, from a vanilla perspective. Anal sex is totally out there, remember?
If they start giving you joke vibrators, I hope they at least give you nice ones.
Yeah, second scritching as a geek-culture thing that perverts happen to heavily overlap with. I tend to save it for privacy/intimacy, but I just plain out and out hate being touched much by people not within a certain circle of intimacy to me, then switch to loving it a lot. *shrug* Then again I'm told I give off a "touch me and I'll break your hand off" vibe even when I'm being friendly, so I've never had to deal with unwanted scritch.
ReplyDeleteI don't think normal, vanilla people know what normal and vanilla is like, because part of being normal and vanilla is not really talking about it.
ReplyDeleteI'm kinda like LabRat as to touching, with a milder general reaction and a super narrow "loving it" circle. I mildly dislike being touched by anyone until there's both trust and actual romantic interest, then I love it.
I think the spectrum of what's truly "normal", in the sense of actual frequency, is far wider than we care to acknowledge. You probably have coworkers who are a little more adventurous, and who might like the occasional hair-tug, but they're certainly not going to say much about it at lunchtime in the presence of Sexless McJudgypants there.
ReplyDeleteBTW, lurker here who enjoys your musings.
There are some "tropes", if you will, of kink that have bled over into the vanilla world to the point. Light bondage, sensual domination, certain elements of roleplaying (schoolgirl outfits with pigtails, anyone?) have all become at least enough of part of our societal schema that they don't stamp you instantly as a pervert.
ReplyDeleteAt least, unless you're talking to Judgy McJudgerJudge, in which case, if you like sex in the first place you're probably a pervert.
Scritches aren't kinky; they're just awesome.
With stuff like vibrators, it might be worthwhile to take a "Really? I don't see what's wrong with owning a vibrator. Are we Puritans here?" kind of tack. At least, that's my attitude when I deal with my (vanilla) friends! :) And you occasionally get people to at least pretend to address their biases and assumptions.
I have to slightly disagree with you, Aaron.
ReplyDeleteWhile liking those elements may not make you a pervert, it will likely make you a slut (if you happen to be female (used as an adjective, not a noun ^_o (I don't know what that emoticon is actually doing.)) (I don't know why I'm in the mood for nested parentheticals.)), at least in the eyes of most people who aren't perverts (in a broad sense). At least that is the sense I've gotten. It's unfortunate and slightly hypocritical.
What on earth is scritching? Some crazy American thing...?
ReplyDelete"Scritching?" There's a special name for it? Huh.
ReplyDeleteI'm a vanilla who likes to keep various kinks in rotation, and I've never considered hair pulling to be kinky. So either it's not kinky or I'm actually a pervert (and considering how many sex blogs I'm addicted to that is a very real possibility).
And maybe I'm surrounded by secretly kinky people, but I've rarely come across women with the "icky things he wants" attitude. I only know one, and there are so many issues in her relationship that it's probably not about the actual sex. I don't see any pearl clutching when it comes to many kinks.
I had no idea that having a vibrator is not normal :D
ReplyDelete(Then again, I don't live in US so I have no idea what is and is not normal there:)
I agree with Anonymous (12:22).
ReplyDeleteI'm not so sure it's a kink thing so much as a social/affectionate thing--people don't generally pet and cuddle with coworkers, which means that if the only people you know outside of work are kinky people, then kinky people are the only people you know who are affectionate like that. Doesn't mean vanilla people aren't.
(and maybe this isn't a representative sample, but every girl I know, kinky or not, owns a vibrator)
Anonymous@1044 wrote: I'm over on the asexual end of the spectrum, and if I came out with something like, "Actually, I'd be perfectly happy to never bother with sex again," at work, I would be stuck spending the rest of the season putting up with well-meaning busybodies demanding that I justify my marriage.
ReplyDeleteMan, I hope your spouse is either as asexual as you are, or you let them play the field, 'cause otherwise, that's just cruel.
----
I don't know many "normal" people (computer security / hacker types tend to be more kinky than average, in my experience.) but that may change when I start working for an ambulance service. My wife works at a local hospital, and says she has to keep a pretty tight lid on things, because of the Sexless McJudgypants folks there. So, I suppose I'll just have to see if the EMTs are, if not kinky themselves, at least not judgemental of those who are.
Man, I hope your spouse is either as asexual as you are, or you let them play the field, 'cause otherwise, that's just cruel.
ReplyDeleteBingo! Exactly like that! Those are the only possible options and compromise is impossible! Nobody believes it when we say it works for us and we are happy, and so I remain closeted.
Before you can answer your question about 'normal' behaviour, I think you need to define 'normal' first. Stop worrying about this 'normal', it makes for tired blog posts and from reading your blog only briefly, I assume you are much more interesting than this.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the people you work with sound tragic. Maybe you should get a more stimulating job?
I have the most repressed group of coworkers on the planet, and yeah, we had a similar conversation concerning vibrators.
ReplyDeleteThe hair-pulling thing...I am not sure. I love having my hair pulled, but I veer into the kinky realm, so I don't know. I know my ex husband was completely disgusted when I told him I wanted him to pull my hair...and he was pretty vanilla.
The skritching thing? I know a lot of people who do that...so I think it's just a "thing" with people who are really "touchy" in general.
Alice said, Stop worrying about this 'normal', it makes for tired blog posts and from reading your blog only briefly, I assume you are much more interesting than this.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the people you work with sound tragic. Maybe you should get a more stimulating job?
Shit yeah, all of us out here think lifesaving, insane patients and the occasional FBI agent is old news. I mean, who would make a TV show about something like that? Also if you want to get anywhere in this blogging field you should get a really big fur hat and some lipstick.
Anonymous at 7:03, skritching is gentle scratching for the scratchee's non-SM pleasure, like when you scratch someone's back for them or scratch a dog behind the ears.
ReplyDeleteMouse darling, you are so feisty. I like that. My comment was poorly constructed, I meant to imply that I like reading this blog FOR the other posts that are less concerned with 'being normal'. It was a reverse compliment...
ReplyDeleteMy fur hat is hilarious. I am from Canada. Don't hate.
The hat's fine. Far be it from me to criticize people for lively dress choices. Knock yourself out, the world will be a more colorful place. I only mentioned it to make a point about telling Holly what to write.
ReplyDeleteMaybe with some things how kinky they are depends on just how you respond to them? For me hair-pulling is a whole load of awesome, more than "this is kinda cool" and as for leather belts, I hope I never stop being surprised by how turned on they get me.
ReplyDeleteWhen the act can become satisfying by itself, rather than part of a package including more conventional sex, I reckon that definitely counts as kinky (but then it's a fetish, isn't it?).