1. Mr. Standalone Dick Shot
"u like wat u see? 8 inches"
[picture of angry purple erection, taken down body, dick clenched in fist and glossy with mysterious fluids, patchy hair scattered on thighs like sagebrush on the side of a desert hill]
2. Mr. Discreet
"I'm married, but she'll be out of the house between 2:30 and 3:00 picking up our kids from karate... you'll have to be precise but I think this'll work out if you come at exactly 2:30 and work fast."
3. Mr. Concise
"hey"
4. Mr. Enormous Prefabricated Story
"...You feel the head of his cock settle at the lips of your pussy. Now tell me you're sorry, he says. You cannot say anything as your breathing is frenzied and your mind is swinging and spinning with what you desire, with what you need. You feel his hand come down hard on your ass, harder than the whipping before and it stings as if a swarm of bees had stung you. I'm sorry, sir, you manage to stammer out, and it is cut off with a moan as his enormous cock slides inside of you fast. It is enough to make you almost come right there. He stops suddenly..."
[like ten pages of this]
5. Mr. There Is a Goddamn Baby In My Picture
"Sorry hun this is the only pic I had. It's my nephew."
6. Mr. Unqualified
"I know you said you were looking for a guy under 35 who could meet today and host, but I'm a really healthy 54 and I'm a little busy right now and we can't use my home but maybe we could do it in the backseat of your car or something sometime next week?"
7. Mr. Suspicious
"I'm sorry but I have been burned before, so could you please prove to me that you are actually a woman? I need some kind of concrete proof that you are not a spambot for a transsexual hooker sting operation before I can carry this discussion any further."
8. Mr. Fucking Scary
"I WANT TO POUND YOUR CUNT ASS WITH MY GIANT HORSE DOG DONG UNTIL YOU SCREAM FOR THE PAIN OF RIPPING SLUT MEMBRANES AND I WILL TEAR YOU APART AND SEND YOU HOME SOBBING AND BLEEDING FROM YOUR HOLE PUSSY ASS CUNT ANUS."
9. Mr. Presumptuous
"I'll be at the Starbucks on Western at 5. I'm a tall guy and I'll be wearing a blue shirt. See you there!"
10. Mr. Suspicious Motives
"I don't remotely meet the qualifications in your ad, but you are gorgeous and I love your ad! Oh well, I guess that's all for now since I don't measure up, I just wanted to let you know how awesome you are and I hope you find what you're looking for.
...If you don't, you could always give me a call."
The 10 Types of Women You Meet on Craigslist
ReplyDelete1. REAL WOMAN 4 REAL MAN! HOLLA AT YO’ GIRL! -- 28
2. Looking for a Generous$ Man -- 24
3. Cum see my webcam -- 21
4. Cum see my sexy pics -- 18
5. Cum with me on sexy talk -- 20
6. Why are all men cheating lying scumbags? -- 31
7. Only Nice Normal Ripped Rich Guys 6’+ Need Apply -- 23
8. Really a Gay Guy but Hoping You Won’t Notice/Care – 22
9. I’m FAT! Get Over It! – 26
10. Redhead Wants to be Your Hittyslut – 22
Bruno - Number 1 baffles me. But I'm probably a snob.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit of Number 9 (although without the "get over it!" attitude, oy) and secretly a bit of 7, I just feel that it's better to look open-minded and then screen for nice/normal/muscles/etc. ex post facto.
And Number 10 was freakin' creepy of you, dude.
Gay Craigslist would just be type number one for the vast majority of posts and then the occasional disgruntled veterans looking for a barely legal partner from the country of their deployment or whatever.*
ReplyDeletePlus, bears, obvs.
Bonus points if the pic found in any given ad is just some random-ass thing that certainly isn't a penis. Does that really work? Does anyone think, "OH! I want to see what this guy/his cock looks like now! And I can! ...wait, that's just a picture of a sunrise. But his writing is so beatiful that I must have him."
*my perception is almost certainly skewed by the fact that my only experience with Craigslist was giggling at some of the weirder ads a few months ago in high school
I'm guy #11. "Hi, I am not writing to you because I'm interested. I'm writing to tell you that if you want to actually find someone, three pages detailing your life story and your ideals of a perfect partner, done entirely with spelling and grammar so bad that it induces headaches trying to slog through all of it, is not the sort of thing that has any chance of success. Also, your ad is probably about to be removed because you posted a picture of a sunset instead of yourself."
ReplyDeleteI've found the baby-in-photo guys are married and lying. The "nephew" is his son. He uses his child's picture to facilitate cheating on the kid's own mother.
ReplyDeleteAt least, that's my experience.
Why is #10 creepy? Is that some kind of kink etiquette the Vanillas don't know about?
ReplyDeleteFrom here it doesn't look like he said anything you haven't posted about yourself many times before.
Anon - In other news, Nigerian princes don't really want you to safeguard their fortunes. At least, that's my experience.
ReplyDeleteDG - It's creepy because he actually tracked down my craigslist ad and responded to me through it. I'm not mortally offended or anything, but it gave me the weirds.
Guys, what's a Hitty? I have no idea what the hell it means.
ReplyDeleteOhhh . . . I didn't know that.
ReplyDeleteStill not sure what you expected from placing a classified ad trolling for anonymous sex partners, though. Creepy seems to be part of that landscape.
DG -- That's what I was thinking. If you're getting email from purple-dick, vagina-ripper, and just-my-nephew, why would a message from actual-friend trigger the weirds? Regardless, I promised never to do that again (the /cas ads depress me, so that should be easy).
ReplyDeleteBrandon - "Hitty" is a sickeningly cute euphemism for BDSM. With all the hitting, you see.
ReplyDeleteBruno - Because I expected anonyweirdos, but I didn't expect you? Anyway, not angry, just... huh.
curious choice of words.. why did you say it's 'sickeningly cute'? sounds like a fun game though.
ReplyDelete