Lauren Conrad on the cover! Whoever that is! And she's wearing a top that looks sort of like a sports bra and sort of like a corset! A sports corset!
My work partner found this magazine with a bunch of sex tips circled and didn't believe me when I said it was just to make fun of them and he's still giving me shit about it!
Sneaky Signs He's Dating Other Chicks
Before the exclusivity talk, it's tough to tell if a guy is seeing only you.
So? That's the point. If you want exclusivity, you have the exclusivity talk! You don't tell him it's a casual thing and then get offended when he "cheats." Having a secret invisible exclusivity talk with yourself will only lead to broken hearts and dead bunnies.
"My guy is supershy and hates when people take photos of him--he'll duck out of pictures or put his hands in front of his face. It didn't really bother me until I got the idea to make a scrapbook for our one-year anniversary and realized we had hardly any shots of us! I made the book anyway, using the few photos I did have, plus pictures of couples cut out from magazines. When I presented him with the book, he was obviously confused about why I'd included random people, so I explained that his refusal to be photographed meant there was little documentation of our relationship."
Wow, that's... that's really crazy.
Play porn star by bringing a camcorder into bed to bed to view yourselves. But don't record the action--just seeing each other through the lens is a huge turn-on.
It is? I thought that SOP with camcorder sex was a tripod and leaving it on, not wrestling the damn hard blocky camcorder around in the bed with you. That's less "ooh so exhibitionistic" and more "get that thing out of my face, man, I'm trying to get fucked here." Also, I'm generally opposed to this kind of fakeness--if you're going to film yourselves, grow some balls and film it! You can always destroy the tape later, and you won't have to take half a drink next time you play "I Never."
Build momentum by keying into an urban legend that the seventh in a series of ocean waves is the strongest. Lie on your back on a bench and have your man make every seventh thrust his most powerful.
"That was six, honey, you're doing it all wrong, this isn't like the ocean at all! Ugh. Do you just want to stop and watch TV or something?"
In-bed aggression makes sex more exciting, so have him be a little firm with you by pinning you to the bed. Playfully resist by trying to close your legs or sit up. Just don't get too rough, and make sure you have a safe word.
Yes, when engaging in highly edgy perverted kink like light wrist-holding, it's very important to have a safeword. I mean, I don't want to get too harsh on Cosmo here, it's never wrong to have a safeword, but god dammit, stop talking about your uber-vanilla tickle-with-no-slap like it's hardcore kink. It's just a variant on plain ordinary sex, and that's okay, it's actually a really fun one, but stop co-opting the label I earned with blood and bruises.
Show up at his place in a long coat and knee-high boots and nothing underneath.
I get the appeal, but I can't help thinking that would be the one day I get pulled over...
Come to bed wearing nothing but sky-high fetish-style or gladiator heels. Your footwear will give your tryst a kinky S and M vibe.
Cosmo, Cosmo, Cosmo. Let's make a deal. You stop throwing around the phrases "kink", "S and M," and the like until you've been lashed down on a spanking bench while a man slaps your dildo-stuffed ass with tack-studded gloves, and I'll stop calling it "fashion" when my shoes are the same color as my belt. I'm holding up my end of the deal here, Cosmo. Come on now.
In missionary, up the G-spot action by having him rotate his body clockwise, using his arms to support himself, until you're facing opposite directions. From there, grip his waist with his thighs as he thrusts back in you.
I think I need a diagram here. But if this looks the way I'm guessing--he ends up with his head by my feet, still face-down--how in the hell is his cock going to stay in? It sounds incredibly uncomfortable for both of us. Also, wouldn't all the pressure be on the back of my vagina, opposite the G-spot? I suppose I don't know for sure until I try it, but... yeah, I'm not going to try it.
Q: Can a man physically tell when a chick peaks?
A: We definitely pick up the hints. You tense your muscles, you arch your back, you intensify your breathing, and we feel your vagina tighten around our penis as it contracts--signs you can't easily fake.
Actually, you kinda just listed the ways to fake it, and I'm pretty sure I can do all those things. So I guess now I have the tools I need to... oh. Oh. OHHHH. OH YEAH OH GOD FUCK ME FUCKMEFUUUCKKMEEEE AAAHHHHHHH. Mmmm. Ahhh. That was good, baby, really. Honestly. You were great.
The average vagina is 1.3 inches in diameter at its widest; the average erect penis diameter is 1.5 inches. So chances are, your guy in larger than you are. Whew!
How do you measure the diameter of a vagina? Because I never got down there with calipers, but I think my diameter goes from about zero inches at rest to... hangon, lemme get a tape measure... divide by π... about 2.75 inches when properly worked up to it. It's like asking "how open is a mouth?"
I'm guessing they measured the comfortable stretch in an unaroused, unprepared state, for which 1.3 sounds about right, but if "unaroused, unprepared" describes your sex life, you kids need to sit down and have a little talk.
Pick your favorite tree, and have your guy do the same. Then see where your attitudes toward life and love sync up and where they clash.
This was part of an entire page with pictures of trees and text about how if he's an oak he's loyal but if he's a redwood he's stubborn and seriously what the fuck Cosmo.
Finally, from the horoscope:
Thanks to captivating Uranus, men are more attracted to you than ever.
:)
> Let's make a deal. You stop throwing around the phrases "kink", "S and M," and the like until you've been lashed down on a spanking bench while a man slaps your dildo-stuffed ass with tack-studded gloves, and I'll stop calling it "fashion" when my shoes are the same color as my belt.
ReplyDeleteHAH! Yes. This. *snerk*
^ what dragojustine said. No other sex blogger cracks me up the way you do :)
ReplyDeleteWell, to be fair, if you ask him, it's probably true that he finds Uranus captivating.
ReplyDeleteBut the best has to be the psychotic scrapbook. That was a clear cry for help and Cosmo chose to publish it instead. Makes you wonder what reader stories they rejected. . .
Don: Cosmo rejects every reader story and replaces it with fiction. Every one has the same authorial voice.
ReplyDeleteHolly: I'm beginning to believe you when you say you're the only sane woman on Earth.
Don - It's worse than you think. That story wasn't filed under "embarrassing stories," it was under "How I got him to..." In other words, it's advice.
ReplyDeleteBruno - You think I'm sane? You seriously read this blog and you think to yourself "there goes one sane woman"? Really?
Bruno - You think I'm sane? You seriously read this blog and you think to yourself "there goes one sane woman"? Really?
ReplyDeleteI can't speak for him, but I do. Everyone's weird. You're just unusually honest about it.
I think you're sane Holly! I also think you're wonderfully snarky, and you crack me up *every* time you do a Cosmo bash!
ReplyDeleteI gotta say though, my man can tell when I'm just squeesing him, or when I'm actually having an orgasm around him -- my insides move in ways I can't control myself when I cum. But we've been together for almost 2 years now... It's easy to fake with a stranger.. Though, really, why bother? Though I'm sure Cosmo would say we should to protect their delicate male egos. ugh.
"
ReplyDeleteIn-bed aggression makes sex more exciting, so have him be a little firm with you by pinning you to the bed. Playfully resist by trying to close your legs or sit up. Just don't get too rough, and make sure you have a safe word.
Yes, when engaging in highly edgy perverted kink like light wrist-holding, it's very important to have a safeword. I mean, I don't want to get too harsh on Cosmo here, it's never wrong to have a safeword, but god dammit, stop talking about your uber-vanilla tickle-with-no-slap like it's hardcore kink. It's just a variant on plain ordinary sex, and that's okay, it's actually a really fun one, but stop co-opting the label I earned with blood and bruises."
Except that they didn't call that kink, and when introducing even mild power play to totally vanilla communicates-telepathically-during-sex people its really important to emphasise things like safe words, otherwise that scene could go really really wrong. I'm normally with you on cosmo's co opting of kink but I found that one kind of off as I would have found cosmo dealing with that idea less carefully, considering its usual readership and their expectations of sex, kind of triggery.
:: stop talking about your uber-vanilla tickle-with-no-slap
ReplyDelete:: like it's hardcore kink
No.
I understand that you do not like tickling. You're not alone; there are plenty of pro-subs who will refuse to do a tickling scene. I understand that you like pain. You are (obviously) not alone.
But darnit, dismissing something that will make you "safeword and break your restraints and kill you if you try" as too uninteresting and mild to be part of BDSM is not reasonable. It's not for you, sure, but that doesn't mean it's not "real" kink.
You don't like tickling without any slap. I don't want anything to do with pain, and find spanking of any sort badly triggering. We agree, I think, on enjoying being tied down and "made" to experience all sorts of interesting sensations that turn us on.
. . . and yeah, I'm commenting on a six-year-old article on the Internet. I only just discovered your Cosmocking series and read through the whole.
. . . and yes, I'm commenting anonymously. I never said I wasn't a coward, or even that not liking pain didn't make me a coward. I just kinda asserted even if my kink is not your kink, my kink is still . . . kink.