All righty! Marissa Miller on the cover! "SEX" also on the cover, in two-inch letters, because this is one classy rag!
Man, I don't look like any of the women in this magazine. They're all long-necked and square-jawed and smokey-eyed and plump-lipped and flowy-haired, and I'm just... like, a person. I'm not sure I even feel uglier than them, I just feel different, like we might not be the same species.
SEXY: Sleek redheads. SKANKY: Messy redheads.
Hey! :(
HE SAYS: "Let's just be friends." HE MEANS: "We can still sleep together, but I'm not buying you dinner."
What? I thought it means we aren't going to sleep together, isn't that how "friends" is different from "a casual thing?" Also, does the whole guy-always-buys thing really apply these days? At least among people I know, it seems like splitting the check is pretty universal. After all, we've both got jobs.
["What guys think" sidebar] "I don't like it when a girl knows how much I like her, because she might use it to manipulate me and play with my emotions."
"Also, I don't turn my back on her until I've thoroughly frisked her for concealed weaponry."
Bike shorts are in this season (we're serious). Pair your gym staples with heels and a tailored jacket or cardigan.
Spandex shorts. Heels. Tailored jacket. Well. There's not really much more I can say.
"Elevator" Kegels often do the trick. While he's inside you, squeeze your vaginal muscles starting at the opening and then moving up the walls of your vagina and finally to the top.
Is this... possible? I'm no stranger to Kegels, I can just about crush an egg in there, but independently controlling different parts? I'm not sure there are even separate muscles. Hm... three minutes of research... yeah. There's only one voluntary muscle around the vagina, and it's only around the lower part. Dammit, Cosmo, next you'll be telling me I can't truly please my man until I can kiss my elbow.
There are two tubes inside the penis that fill blood during arousal and a third that always contains blood. Since increased blood flow is what causes orgasm, stimulating these supersensitive tubes with your tongue can send spasms of pleasure through your boyfriend's entire body.
Well, yes he'll like it, because you're licking his penis, but... ORGASMS AND PENISES AND LIFE IN GENERAL DOES NOT WORK LIKE THAT!!!
Yeah, guys think they want two women at a time, but when it comes down to it, it's not usually a fantasy they want to make a reality.
Oh, is that so? Fellas?
It's a huge turn-on for a guy if you're open to acting out a threesome verbally... Talk about what he would do to you, what you would do to the other chick, and so on.
"So, yeah, it's just me, but pretend like I'm two chicks."
Many men think about sleeping with someone who's as open and sexual as a porn star, but they can be uncomfortable when faced with such a woman... They don't want to feel less experienced than their partner.
Oh okay then, I'll just pretend that I'm someone else... for our entire relationship.
His "boys" are actually tougher than you think.
Dangerous advice, Cosmo. Dangerous.
Now there's a whole article about why you shouldn't trust advice your friends give you about your relationship because they're probably all just jealous haters. Yeah, I'm sure that's it. Besides, he's a totally different person since that one time with the chinchilla, right?
Q: Do uncircumcised guys feel pleasure in the same way that circumcised guys do?
A: No. Uncircumcised guys actually extrude a complex proboscis during the mating act, attempting to fire barbed "sperm darts" directly into your abdominal cavity.
Q: I'm a touchy-feely flirt--I'll rest my hand on a guy's arm or touch him in some innocent way. But dudes take it as a green light to drunkenly be all over me. How do I convey that I am flirting but don't want to hook up?
"Flirting but don't want to hook up"? Uh, why are you flirting then? Well, to play crazy-chick "just because I'm acting like I want you to touch me doesn't mean I want you to touch me, you creepy letch!" head games, but other than that. I don't get it.
To get revved, lie on your back with your legs straight up. Blood will rush to your head, bringing a fresh hit of oxygen to your brain to revive you.
Believe me, honey, if your brain weren't getting enough oxygen, you'd know it.
Yeah, guys think they want two women at a time, but when it comes down to it, it's not usually a fantasy they want to make a reality.
ReplyDeleteWrong.
It's a huge turn-on for a guy if you're open to acting out a threesome verbally... Talk about what he would do to you, what you would do to the other chick, and so on.
Sounds like Dungeons & Dragons.
To get revved, lie on your back with your legs straight up. Blood will rush to your head, bringing a fresh hit of oxygen to your brain to revive you.
The Cosmo authors might want to try this position while writing.
The penis is a series of tubes!
ReplyDelete"The Cosmo authors might want to try this position while writing."
ReplyDeleteYour assuming that they have brains to send oxygen to.
Labrat, is the penis not a truck?
ReplyDeleteWhat they might be talking about with the threesome thing is a guy in a serious relationship (like marriage) who fantasizes about his wife/girlfriend and another woman. Even for that guy, it's not that he doesn't think two women are tempting, but it wouldn't work in most marriages/relationships.
None of that applies to the hypothetical unattached guy who gets a chance to be with two women. That guy jumps at the chance 9 times out of 10. That's my prediction.
Pair your gym staples with heels and a tailored jacket or cardigan.
ReplyDeleteI am going to laugh SO hard at any woman I see dressed this way! wth!?
Also, His "boys" are actually tougher than you think -- oh no they're not!! lmao. "relationship ending advice" says my man. uh yeah.
Holly, you crack me up as always!
1. Threesome, yes, please
ReplyDelete2. If your brain is getting enough blood, you're not reading COSMO
3. BIKE SHORTS!!!!11!
That is all.
Labrat, is the penis not a truck?
ReplyDeleteI, for one, do not want things just dumped on my penis.
Well, it's nice to see ol' Cosmo has some disinformation for the fellas this time around. For the record, YES I would like to have a 2-girl threesome. Even if Cosmo thinks I don't, I do. And however tough Cosmo thinks my testicles are, they aint!
ReplyDeleteMan, I don't look like any of the women in this magazine.
ReplyDeleteI don't think the women in the magazine even look like the women in the magazine. Most of them have been photoshopped beyond all recognizability.
"I don't like it when a girl knows how much I like her, because she might use it to manipulate me and play with my emotions."
ReplyDeleteI'll take "vocalizing (poorly) why everyone who ever lived is hesitant and nervous about approaching someone they like," for 300$ Alex.
As for Kegals, maybe this is kinda weird, but I know I can clench two or three different things behind my penis.
I'm not even sure what to say about the threesome thing. I think there are a lot of reasons not to make it a reality, but they're all practicalities, eg, partner utterly opposed, most likely option totally crazy, etc.
But that kind of blanket statement is just silly.
But what I really commented to say is that where they talk about the corpora cavernosa, it really sounds like Cosmo is advocating sex acts involving horrible elective surgery....
Because she wanted to get his number and go on a date later? Or flirted with him to find out whether she did or not and decided not? Or maybe she enjoys flirting as a sexual activity in and of itself, lots of people do? There are lots of reasons to flirt casually with someone, it doesn't have to be all or nothing.
ReplyDeletewell like when you cut the foreskin doesn't that, like, remove a lot of nerve endings n' stuff, and when done wrong it can cause scarring and so the scar tissue would also mean less intense feelings... but i don't think they feel arousal or sex or anything /differently/, i've just heard that it's less intense or whatever.
ReplyDelete