Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?There's three main differences: consent, commitment, and clumsiness.
Which are all part of one main difference: in fantasy everything works out. That's what fantasy means. It may not work out for the best necessarily, but it works out in a way that's satisfying somehow to the fantasizer. Real life is full of randomness and accidents and disappointments and plot threads that never properly resolve. Fantasy is the realm where man plans and for once God plays along.
So in fantasy, it's okay to do things without consent, because you can be assured that either the person secretly likes it, they secretly like not liking it, or they don't like it but the author of the fantasy likes it just fine. Any time you assume consent in fantasy is fine, because you wouldn't be assuming it if the author didn't want you to. In reality, trying to guess which of someone's "no"s are secretly "yes"s is an excellent way to become a sex offender.
In fantasy, it's easy to make big commitments at the drop of a hat. Become someones 24/7 live-in servant who never wears clothes and is so high-protocol they can actually pronounce the capital letter in "Master"? Heck yeah! Never goes wrong! In reality... I don't want to say "it always goes wrong," but it requires a lot more thought about financial arrangements and family relationships and what if the servant needs a day off. And--importantly--how are you going to handle it if either partner decides they don't want to be in this arrangement anymore? It is possible to do BDSM full-time in real life, but you still have to deal with real life.
In fantasy, nobody ever falls on their ass, slips out of their ropes, or farts at a truly inopportune moment. In reality, oops.
Finally, one more difference that I didn't list above because it doesn't start with a "C": art design. Fantasy BDSM often comes with a lot of trappings, a lot of black leather or latex outfits and custom-built toys and lavishly equipped, literally underground dungeons. And everyone around is either a slinky sex kitten or a muscular sex... lion? Not sure how that works. Sex tiger, maybe. In reality, leather shit is expensive, lots of kinks can be done without any toys, and kinksters have roughly the same distribution of body types you'd see at your local bank office. We're a motley bunch of scruffy sex alley cats.
"Scruffy sex alley cats"
ReplyDeletePardon me but what exactly do alley cats have to do with sex?
Well, they're not as glamorous as kittens or tigers, but they get by.
Delete'Sex rabbits' sounds better!
DeleteIt kinda does.
DeleteAlley cats have *everything* to do with sex! Tomcats keep catting around, while the ladies are like cats in heat...it's all right there in our language! :-D
DeleteP.S. Note how I tactfully avoided any puns about pussy. I am the klassiest of Klassy Kats (which is the actual name of a strip club near where my sister lives). Klassy.
Because in fantasy things always run so smoothly they also lack the surprises and the laughter. They're so serious. Laughing tears during sex is just awesome.
ReplyDeleteI think this kinda sums up exactly how I feel about BDSM and why I'm 0% interested in it.
ReplyDeleteI'd be okay putting on a strappy black vinyl outfit and doing some Primtime-TV-style BDSM with a guy who looks like an underwear model.
But real BDSM? Everything about it is a nope.
Wow. Enjoy living up on your lonely cloud, I guess? It's kind of weird that someone with your "Ew, gross, it's real life!" attitudes is reading a blog that's so honest about the less glamorous (and yet sometimes glorious!) aspects of kink.
DeleteI think they might be kidding.
DeleteThey didn't say no one should do BDSM, just that they personally don't want to. That's fine. There are many non-BDSM, non-lonely-cloud activities open to them.
DeleteThey also said it in a pointedly dismissive and borderline-backhandedly-insulting way.
DeleteOriginal anonymous here
DeleteKink isn't why I read pervocracy (although learning things is always good and I consider it a nice educational byproduct) I read it for Cliff's insights and unique point of view.
I'm a visual person and that translates into my sexuality - I like conventionally physically attractive dudes in a sexual context. I'm not saying anything negative about anyone who does things differently.
P.S. I'm not lonely. I actually do pretty well but I find it kind of off-putting that you use loneliness or lack of sexual success as a 'punishment' to insult people with. I mean, isn't that view of sexuality kind of fucked up and MRA-y?
But how did you get from "BDSMers look just like regular people" to "I don't want to do BDSM because I believe there are literally no attractive people to do it with, even though I don't think that same problem exists re: vanilla sex." I mean, where do you get the idea that _fewer_ kinksters than regular people are attractive in the way you like?
DeleteWhere did I say there are literally no attractive people to do it with?
DeleteMy point was that I'm not into real BDSM at all. I do get the impression that the kink community has a lower proportion of conventionally attractive dudes vs. the non-kink community based on personal experience (I think this also has to do with beauty ideals being different in certain subcultures) BUT I digress.
My point is that the visual/costuming has it's appeal, however the actual activities don't appeal to me*.
*Me, personally. My preference. Personal preference. My preference. That is personal to me.
I'm sure you can understand why people on this blog might be a bit defensive, when you talk about your preference not to do kink. After all, this is a blog devoted to that sort of thing, primarily. Why come here and make a comment like that? It's absolutely fine by me that non kinksters should come & comment too - strange (where's the appeal for you?) but cool. But there's a certain way to comment about someone's choices that's respectful - 'not my cup of tea' etc - and a way that's not. Imagine walking down the street with a new partner. 'I'm sure some people like that sort of thing!' shouts a stranger, 'but I would never fuck her!'. Insulting, no? If you make such comments, you're likely to be mistaken for a troll. No matter how 'personal' they seem to you.
DeleteDifferent anon than all of the above here.
DeleteTo the anon directly above me (or the one at 11:47 AM, if someone else comments before I post this):
Well, I think this is a bit different than having someone insult your partner while walking down the street. I mean, this specific post was about kink in fantasy vs reality, and there is a comment section inviting people to say something, so it would make sense that people would comment on how they feel about kink in fantasy vs reality. Plus, in the first post at least, they're commenting on the activity, not on an individual person. It could have been a little more polite, but I don't think it was intended to be insulting.
Also, there are probably a lot more non-kinksters on here than usual, considering all of the 50 Shades posts there have been recently. I imagine a lot of people who just dislike the book are checking up on the entire blog. Even without that though, sometimes people are curious about things they don't personally like.
Original Anon (again)
Delete11:47 Anon
Actually my sexual preferences pretty closely line up with the kind of man that is popularly complained about as inconsiderate/selfish in bed so I'm used to having my preferences denigrated. So no, I don't take it personally, though sometimes I get annoyed when people say stuff like 'real women don't like x/don't do y/don't look like z' but I think that's quite different.
@12:36 Anon
"sometimes people are curious about things they don't personally like."
Pretty much. I don't see why being educated about things require that I personally like those things. I'm straight but I still think it's worthwhile to understand a bit about what it's like to not be straight for reasons that should be obvious to anyone.
I am totally going to ID as a scruffy sex alley cat from now on.
ReplyDeleteNow I´m imagining a sexy alleycat pet-play costume....
ReplyDeletecheers for the design factor, I still fantasize about me in my 15years ago body and with 2 breasts. Not sure if my wishful thinking will ever adapt to my ugly cancer scar
ReplyDeleteI was wondering how you saw these distinctions between fantasy and reality relating to your opinions of 50 Shades.
ReplyDeleteJon
And I am wondering WHEN MOAR 50 SHADES REVIEWS gosh darn it. :-D
DeleteAnother distinction I'd make is safety. in fantasies, bodily harm / pregnancy / STDs are hardly ever an issue. In the real world, not so much.
ReplyDeleteScruffy sex alley cats = is win!
ReplyDeleteLol! You're actually making me want to see that movie. From the trailers I was -.- at the bro-comedy aspects, but Sex Panther...that's pretty darn funny.
ReplyDeleteY'know, I...actually wouldn't bother. I saw it back in the day and yeah, bro comedy. Didn't really like it. Then not long ago my partner was reminding me of certain bits (like Sex Panther) and I was like "I forgot how funny this movie was! I feel like seeing it again!"
ReplyDeleteFound it for $5 in a bargain bin. Bought it. Watched it. Meh. The movie somehow manages to be less than the sum of its parts.
Paul Rudd rocks the shit out of that '70s 'stache though.
When I read this question I thought of my previous girlfriend who left me for her Cyber-Dom. When it happened I was utterly baffled as to how someone could chose a fantasy over a real life relationship.
ReplyDeleteIn a fantasy you don't have to worry about vanilla life. Or your partners relationships (sexual or non sexual) with individuals other than you. In a fantasy relationship you can be in a 24/7 D/s relationship with someone you have never met in person. You don't have to worry about whether your non sexual interests match up because that entire component of your relationship doesn't exist.
In a fantasy your partner is just an empty void you project your fantasies onto. Their sexual desires always match up with yours. In a fantasy your partner always knows what you want, there is never a miscommunication or awkward moment, unless it's intentionally an awkward moment. In a fantasy you never meet your ex at a play party and have that awkward where you figure out what to say to them.