Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?How did you discover you have arms?
I masturbated for a long time before I understood it was masturbation. I knew that such a thing existed, but it was dirty and sleazy and desperate. I didn't do anything like that. All I did was touch myself between my legs and it felt nice, then felt really nice, then I didn't feel like doing it any more that night.
It was the same with kink. There were things I knew fascinated me far before I could say "that's a sexual feeling." I was eight years old, maybe six, way pre-puberty, and I would lie on the floor with my action figures making them play erotic games of capture, torture, and submission.
This goes back as far as I can remember.
(The mental image gets much better when I point out that I didn't have any matching sets of action figures. So this generally involved Commander Data making an off-brand Power Ranger his slave, with the assistance of a Tyrannosaurus and a sentient pickup truck.)
I was about fourteen or fifteen when I started having unrestricted private access to the Internet, and more or less instantaneously I discovered kink and BDSM. Of course, at the time I thought it was this fascinating but disreputable thing other people, disreputable people, did. It took about a year for me to realize that my fascination was not academic and my fantasies were not unconnected. So I guess that's when I discovered I was kinky? But it's really just when I discovered the name. I already knew.
Okay, see this is completely different to my own experience. I become aware kink through fanfiction, and then became aware that I liked it through experimentation. I sometimes have an overwhelming desire to get hit, but this also correlates with more general self-harm impulses so I'm not sure how to categorise it. I do like getting hit at other times, but I don't crave it as such. But then I also never had a "do these feelings I have about girls mean I am attracted to girls?" moment as well, I just tried being attracted to them and it seemed to work out. tl;dr: not born this way, therefore different from Cliff.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was little, around six maybe, I used to fantasize about being held down and fucked by a group of men. I guess that might be I found out I was kinky....? xD
ReplyDeleteI think my own experience was sort of like yours. I really can't remember when I started having an interest in kink, it was always sort of there, I just didn't know what it was. I mean, I remember having a bit of a fascination with cartoon characters, and later on book characters, getting hurt. I also had a crush on a friend's older sister, and when she tied up the friend due to our being rather annoying, I was jealous (and that was probably about 8). Then when I was 12, I had a friend who was 11 who actually just told me she liked embarrassing people/making them uncomfortable, and I just kind of let her do that with me (though I had mixed feelings on some of that). Of course, the communication was awful, but fortunately nothing too bad happened.
ReplyDeleteEither way, add that to a lot of daydreams about getting hurt by/for various attractive people, and the first time I heard the definition of masochism I was fairly sure it described me. I should add that I looked up the definition thanks to some book in the Twilight series. I'm not sure how I should feel about that connection, but in my defense I was 13 and everyone I knew was reading it.
Now, when it comes to taking a long time to come to terms with things, I share the whole masturbation confusion/denial, and I can also add realizing I was bisexual to that list. Seriously, considering that all the people in this description that I talked about liking were girls, you would think I would realize "Hey, I think you like women, like in a sort of gay way" pretty fast, but nope. It took me till I found out a girl who I was in denial about liking was a lesbian for me to realize that (although that was also at 13, making that a very confusing year for me).
For me, it would be when I read the Marquis de Sade somewhere in my early teens. I innocently picked up Philosophy in the Bedroom, was shocked and enthralled, then read 120 Days of Sodom and was both excited and horrified at myself. Then there was Georges Bataille and The Story of the Eye. I like my filth to be classic. :)
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in second grade, I started reading Nancy Drew novels and I found myself getting really turned on whenever she wound up being tied up and gagged by the villains. I found myself selecting other novels in the series based on whether or not it had illustrations of the bondage scenes, which I would stare at for long periods in a blissfully erotic daze. As I got older and read material with more explicit content, I started losing interest in bondage and was utterly indifferent to it by the time I reached fifth grade. I still have an interest in female submission as an adult, but only in the context of sexual fantasy.
ReplyDeleteI've never felt particularly guilty about the nature of my kink, but I've always been a little weirded out at how instinctive it came to me, almost as if I was hardwired for it. This is some primal, atavistic stuff, even if it is fun.
I really feel your last paragraph. I know some people have complex "how I became kinky" or "how I came to terms with my kink" stories, and I do have those for some other aspects of my sexuality, but for kink itself?
DeleteI want it like I want to drink when I'm thirsty. There's no "you see, I had a complicated relationship with water when I was young" story to tell--it's just an urge.
I remember reading the last few pages of an American Girl book over and over again when I was about 8. It was a little historical summary and maybe one line mentioned that teachers would discipline students by smacking their hands with rulers. Something resonated and I couldn't read that sentence enough.
DeleteI always feel so much better meeting other people who have pre-puberty kink fantasies. I had, like... pre-sexual fantasies about my Weird Kink, & the majority of the people who I know are into aforementioned kink don't really talk about that. I feel a lot less... sicknasty now. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteYep! I absolutely had torture fantasies before I even knew what sex was. I'd lie awake for ages coming up with really detailed scenarios, trying to make them as painful and humiliating as possible. Later, I went looking for Addams family fanfic because of uh... reasons, and ended up finding porn. And that was the end of that
ReplyDelete"Commander Data making an off-brand Power Ranger his slave, with the assistance of a Tyrannosaurus and a sentient pickup truck."
ReplyDeleteBetting that this would not be the weirdest story on adultfanfic dotnet...?
I think I am the only person in the universe who was actively introduced not just to kink but to sex. I had *one* kink that I picked up somewhere in early high school, but I hadn't at that point progressed to considering it sexual; I just liked watching inflation videos-- *particular* ones; I'm very fussy about them and always have been. When I was sixteen an acquaintance (someone I just *barely* knew) came up to me at a science fiction con and asked me if I was going to his panel, which was an intro-to-BDSM thing. I said no, he said I might like BDSM, I looked it up online, and he became my "teacher", which essentially meant talking to me about it and occasionally suggesting a book and showing me toys (not playing with them with me; showing them to me). When I was eighteen he used a whip on me once and it was nice enough, but I didn't start connecting it with sex or sex with a thing that existed relative to me (rather than a thing other people did) until at the age of nineteen I acquired a boyfriend (again much older than me) who liked sex. Even now, though, I don't have much of a sex drive, and I'll enjoy a few strokes of the cat and the atmosphere of the kink cons and I masturbate to the videos now, but beyond that I have panic attacks during sex, even when my favorite toys come out to play.
ReplyDeleteSo I think I'm maybe a kinky asexual? Can you be a kinky asexual?
You can totally be kinky and asexual! Or kinky and sexual in some ways but not enjoy sex itself.
DeleteDamn! This really put some childhood memories into perspective for me. I'd completely forgotten that I used to have the same pre-puberty torture play sessions with my toys. Like, really elaborate setups with fights and captures and arenas and psychological torture. And there was that one fantasy novel I read where the hero is bound and whipped, and damn that gave me funny feelings before I knew what they were.
ReplyDeleteWhen I turned thirteen and discovered sexuality, I just jumped straight to hardcore BDSM fantasies - no awkward vanilla introduction period. I don't even remember how I picked it up. Internet osmosis, maybe? It's just always been "duh, this is where my mind goes to get off".
Still figuring out how well all this translates to real life. I'm hindered by a "meh" attitude to dating and sex in general. Maybe I'm weird, but I'm feeling a lot more confident about my kinks than my vanilla side. Like, I'd probably mess up vanilla with a new partner, but hey, my fantasies are awesome!
Wow, I just had a weird lightbulb moment about things I'd totally forgotten. When I was little (maybe 9 or 10 years old), whenever I read or wrote stories about characters getting injured and then nursed back to health, I thought it made me want to pee. Of course, in retrospect, the only reason I thought that was because "what other feelings could possibly come from between my legs?"
ReplyDeleteOf course, in retrospect, the only reason I thought that was because "what other feelings could possibly come from between my legs?"
DeleteWell, it does feel (to me, anyway) remarkably like having to pee. To this day, I tell the difference primarily by context.
Me too! The first time I remember being turned on I was probably eight or nine, listening to an audiobook in which kids tie each other up and "torture" each other, and the one girl who takes it too far and introduces a hornet into someone's pants (and then, if I remember correctly, gets her comeupance later with a run in with a lot more than one hornet...but maybe that's my own addition). It definitely made me want to pee. But going and peeing didn't help and I was scared if I kept going back to the bathroom someone would notice and decide I was sick and make me go to the doctor and I wouldn't be able to explain and it would just be terrible and humiliating. Actually, I don't think I liked the feeling at all. It was insistent and squirmy and I didn't know what to do with it (no childhood masturbation for me), and I interpreted it as sympathetic pain and humiliation. If I had liked it, I would have been really hard on myself for getting pleasure out of something that was awful for the character "actually" experiencing it, but I don't think it was just shame that made it unpleasant. I think hornets just did not sound fun in any way but the pain/humiliation/genitals combination struck my brain as highly sexually relevant and getting turned on by something that started out sounding fun and then got more and more sexual but also really over the top awful was just bewildering and scary.
DeleteI was totally pants at climbing the rope in elementary school gym class (tho I desperately wanted to be able to do it), and I always got the have-to-pee feeling! I had a sense that it wasn't anything to do with peeing, because I only tried going to the bathroom afterward once, and I was afraid of being "caught" somehow, but I was really confused by it.
DeleteI've had a powerful thing for bondage (cages, being captured by villains, and almost anything involving rope) in books and movies ever since I can remember, and I remember a lot of childhood movies mainly by what turned me on about them. I played bondage games, both imaginary and involving actual restraints, with my sisters and friends (and I try not to feel too bad about it, because it was pretty harmless and a lot of kids do it, right?). I imagined scenarios with my stuffed animals. I liked to tie myself up with my bedsheets at night.
I'm actually having a problem where most of my kinks still haven't graduated from that level, to things that I can actually get myself all the way off with (involving genitals, or otherwise things two consenting adults would enjoy). Part of the problem may be that I've always known I was kinky (born this way! heh) but didn't come out to myself as queer or gender variant until my 20s.
Oh wow this reminded me of being like 5 or 6 and making up little stories about my Barbie and Ken dolls and I liked to end them with Barbie somehow being trapped, locked in with, or tied up by Ken. I thought it would be really romantic. I also had weird feelings about the old trope of the damsel in distress being tied to the railway by the villain, but didn't have the words or context to articulate it.
ReplyDeleteOH MY GOD YOU WERE KINKY AS A YOUNG CHILD TOO
ReplyDeleteSorry for the capslock, I just wasn't sure if anyone else had been. I'm into feedism (among other stuff), and I can remember watching "Hansel and Gretel" as a little kid and it affected me and I had no idea if that's normal or not. And I think I did the toy thing too, and the "creating elaborate (for my age) wanking stories for myself" thing (because I write fiction, so yeah). And then the guilt thing for having these fantasies of doing awful things to people and not realizing you can safely do them as an adult if you consensually roleplay/make believe.
Anyway, thank you for writing this.
Yeah, looking back there's so much that makes me sound like a really kinky child that at the time was just...where my brain went? I mean, pretty quickly I got the feeling from grownups that even thinking about sex was bad and wrong for good Christian girls etc, but the daydreams I had were pretty natural as I explored what sex might be like.
ReplyDeleteLots and lots of detailed scenarios of boys and girls both being stripped naked in public and spanked as punishment in front of a group of people.In retrospect, the fantasies about watersports probably made more sense as being about blowjobs (I had no idea that anything else came out of a guy's cock but pee). I was maybe 9, 10, 12? Later, after hearing about strippers, daydreams of being forced to show my breasts on stage in front of others. Or of someone peering through a window and finding me masturbating. But that was as a teenager.
Used to touch myself for pleasure when I was a little thing, but didn't realized what orgasms were until I was maybe eighteen. And then I did it constantly as if to make up for lost time, lol.
The "ooh, he looks so good debauched and muddy" stuff came later--I can trace it back to the Star Trek: Deep Space Nine episodes in college with Dr. Bashir kidnapped by the Dominion. Damn, good enough to eat!
omg I did the thing with the toys too! And I also used to play make believe games where I'd tie myself to the bunk bed and pretend to be captured/"tortured"... except I'd tied myself in a way that allowed a limited amount of masturbation, so that was the "torture." I spent many years thinking there was something wrong with me for daydreaming about *torture*, of all things. Didn't get past that until a few years into adulthood. I'm still not sure I'm totally over it, but admitting some of it out loud to my therapist helped a *lot.*
ReplyDeleteI'm honestly thrilled to hear about so many people doing the toy thing, because that was something I was *really* ashamed of, especially as I approached puberty and started acquiring a very vague, unhelpful idea of sex and sexuality through what I can best describe as cultural osmosis. Terrible way to learn about sex, btw. Worse way to learn about kink. Thank god for the internet.
omg me too - kinky kid. weirdly though, given the amount of time my dolls spent getting tied up and banged by other dolls I've never actually "done kink" in real life. maybe it's time ...
ReplyDeleteI remember as a kid always getting a "weird" feeling during spanking scenes in movies and cartoons, not realizing until later that it was an " I like this" feeling. When we were about six or seven, I think, my best friend and I would putneach other over our knees in my closet and spank each other. I remember having a vague sense that it was wrong but it felt good and we never got caught. Though I don't think I consciously realized what kink was until I discovered fanfiction. Thank the gods for the internet ;)
ReplyDeleteReading this has made me re-remember a lot of 'kinky' things from my childhood that I'd totally forgotten about. Strangely the things I remember fantasising about as a kid are really not things that turn me on any more. I remember making my toys pee on each other in a sexy way, but am not into water-sports. I also remember, during a long car journey when I was maybe 10, fantasising about hanging people from the ceiling and flaying them. It made me pretty horny at the time, is a pretty disturbing thought now! Perhaps I suppressed these things after learning that they were 'gross' and morally wrong/illegal, respectively... or maybe I was just considering the possibilities! Either way, when I had my first sexual experience (other than kissing) at 15, I didn't register that the spanking I was so gleefully receiving from my then-boyfriend was a 'kinky' thing, only a sexy thing, so I guess they've always been the same thing for me, too!
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