It's that time again! Time to reaffirm that Cosmopolitan magazine is made of poop and patriarchy! This is "The SEXY Issue," as distinguished from "The HOT Issue" or "The NAUGHTY Issue."
"I was ecstatic when my boyfriend of three years proposed. He took me out to dinner, and the actual proposal was really emotional and touching. Even better: he invested in a serious rock for me."
EVEN BETTER! I think she's being a little sardonic, but even as a joke, damn that's cold.
Don't immediately hop into the shower [after sex]--lying in his arms with that musky scent helps you bond.
This is one of those cases where I'm offended not by the advice but by the suggestion that someone needs it. "Seeya later honey, I'm so fucking special I can't stand smelling like anything besides cucumber-melon for a single instant!"
Passionate words are more effective when said in the left ear because it corresponds to the right side of the brain, which remembers emotional language better.
Well, if you're dating a split-brain patient. Except that if you are, they won't understand a damn thing you say, because the right side of the brain doesn't really process language at all; that's why people with left-sided strokes are often aphasic.
Nowadays, a lot of chicks are empowered and for good reason. Women are earning advanced degrees, big salaries, and their fair share of recognition in the world. But there's another kind of boldness that's a little harder to come by, the kind you require in more private situations, such as when you spot a hot guy you want to chat up or just before you and said hot guy are about the hit the sheets. We've dubbed it sex-kitten confidence...
Fuck you, Cosmo. I'm all about developing my sex-kitten confidence, but I've fucked a random dude and I've graduated from college, and I can tell you which one is just a teensy bit harder.
"I pay my apartment's cable bill, and my male roommate likes to order adult on demand. Recently, I looked at the bill online and was shocked to see the actual titles. I didn't need to know he's into Lil German Treats... or that he viewed four XXX films in two hours!"
Well, as long as he's paying you back for the on-demand fees, maybe you should mind your own fucking business?
He showed up with two dozen tulips, totally spacing that you love pink gerbera daisies? Thank him for remembering that you love flowers, and concentrate on how lucky you are to have a man who tried.
Is their target readership the cast of My Super Sweet Sixteen? "You gave me the wrong kind of flower and now you've ruined everything, asshole!"
Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.
lol whut
Ask what songs he listened to in junior high, and play them back during a hookup. It will take him back to that time when he was in an almost permanent state of horniness, triggering his primal urges.
"Backstreet's back... alright!"
During sex, place your fingers on his tailbone, and rapidly press and release. This stimulates the coccygeal nerve, a small mass of vascular tissue, and gives him chills.
Man, Cosmo's really laying on the "science!" in this issue. I'm very interested to hear how a nerve can be vascular tissue. Also, I like that "stimulating a nerve" is a sexy selling point. I can make up a lot of hot sex moves on that basis.
"When you and your hunk are doing the dirty deed, press on the inside of his big toe; this stimulates the medial terminal branch of the deep fibular nerve, which means that he'll be able to feel it."
Given that Cosmo still has a few remaining shreds of leftover "for the liberated woman" cachet from its Helen Gurley Brown days, I'd guess that its target audience is those party-girl "sexy feminists" for whom we were mistaken.
ReplyDeleteSunflower
Sunflowerp - Yeah. I'm feminist and also sexy, but I'd like to think that even as cockcrazy as I can get, I at least have the lucidity to realize that equal wages and governmental representation are just a tidge more important than my sex-kitten confidence.
ReplyDeleteSprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.
ReplyDeleteYou know, in the fabled SuperFight at Ultimate Fighting Championship III, Ken Shamrock attempted to neutralize Royce Gracie's shocking grappling advantage by taking top position (it looks like being on top in missionary) and allowing Royce to take guard position (it looks like being on bottom in missionary.) But he then refused to attempt any submissions or any serious striking, with the result being that the match turned into a long, protracted struggle of two men who looked like they were having hot gay missionary-position sex. In a cage on pay-per-view.
Disgusted at his son's inactivity and refusal to attempt to finish the match with one of his trademark submission holds, Bob Shamrock shouted from his corner, "Why don't you just give him a big sloppy kiss, for God's sake!"
Royce looked deep into Ken's eyes and said what I want to say to you about the pepper trick:
"No, please don't do that."
I asked my boyfriend about the pepper thing. Response: "uhhh... WHAT? no thank you."
ReplyDeleteConveniently, that's exactly how I feel about it too.
"EVEN BETTER! I think she's being a little sardonic, but even as a joke, damn that's cold."
ReplyDeleteNothing says "I love you" like investing a very large amount of money in a company who runs an international monopoly on a particular moderately common rock what funds blood wars and genocides, eh? "To prove my ever-lasting love for you, I funded the rape of the town of Umbuganda in Kenya."
"This is one of those cases where I'm offended not by the advice but by the suggestion that someone needs it."
The sweaty, dirty smell of sex is the best part of sex though! When your hands and arms and body all smell like her vagina and her body smells like ballsweat and semen and you lie there with the sheets soaked through to the bottom of the battress and the now-drenched blanket having flown across the room...
Fuck man I LOVE the smell of ballsweat. It's not apetizing but scent's the strongest sense tied to memory and all my memories attatched to ballsweat are of... well... sex.
"Fuck you, Cosmo. I'm all about developing my sex-kitten confidence, but I've fucked a random dude and I've graduated from college, and I can tell you which one is just a teensy bit harder."
... the random dude?
(Ha ha... boner)
"Well, as long as he's paying you back for the on-demand fees, maybe you should mind your own fucking business?"
Better suggestion: watch them with him! Sex is more fun when shared, you know. If you're lucky, you two may get some sweet ideas from these adult shows on demand and get to act them out yourselves!
"He showed up with two dozen tulips, totally spacing that you love pink gerbera daisies? Thank him for remembering that you love flowers, and concentrate on how lucky you are to have a man who tried."
Tulips mean "perfect lover." Red tulips mean "believe me" or are a declaration of love.
Gerbera daisies mean innocence and purity.
I'm not saying your man was paying attention to this sort of thing but I *am* saying that a) Cosmo probably did, and b) I certainly would. But hey, I think using flowers as a method of communication is pretty fucking sweet. It's like writing poetry.
"I'm all about developing my sex-kitten confidence, but I've fucked a random dude and I've graduated from college, and I can tell you which one is just a teensy bit harder."
ReplyDeleteI guess that depends on the person. For me, graduating college would be by far the easier of the two. Social anxiety and all that. School was always easy for me, but TALKING to someone? Someone I don't know? And convincing them to have sex with me (and not having a panic attack at the thought of possibly getting gonneherpasyphilaids, or being murdered, or who knows what else*)? Fat chance.
*Not meant to imply these things will happen, or to cast judgment on anyone. Simply stating those would be the thoughts in my head because, again, anxiety. More power to those of you who can avoid this.